90 Day Fiance Finale Recap: I Now Pronounce You (Doomed)

Not gonna lie, I shed a wee tear last night after the madness of 90 Day Fiance season five drew to a close. What are we going to do with our lives until the next crop of morons is rustled up for season six?!? My husband asked me last night during the three-hour marathon if I “sometimes felt like a bad person?” for watching this train wreck. Um….NO. No I do not, sir! TLC has accomplished the impossible, has it not? It has literally made me feel better about every life choice I have ever made, and for that I am forever indebted.

As mentioned in the previous recap, I’ll only be covering the one-hour finale in short order, but oh boy – is there lots o’ drama in last night’s Tell All to snark on too! Feel free to do so in the comments section, where all snark is embraced and cherished equally. Now, on to the show. In the interest of getting to the good stuff, let’s run down the highlights of each couples’ final moments with us. We laughed, we cried, we cringed with embarrassment at the bras hanging out of people’s backless shirts. It was a journey, people.

Okay, so. Molly and Luis. Where to start? Besides slowly morphing into Danielle and Mohamed Jbali, Molly and Luis aren’t doing a whole lot during the finale except, in Molly’s case, apologizing to everyone she knows for being a lying idiot, and in Luis’s case, being invisible. Because Luis has disappeared, guys. Like Witness Protection Program/Mohamed Uber Escape Vehicle disappeared. He initially doesn’t even show up at the reunion. Which surprises everyone except Andrei, who thought he was “a punk” from the beginning. Hmm. Takes one to know one? Luis does pop up halfway through the reunion to show off his new brand of hair grease, laugh in Molly’s face, and express zero remorse about his dirtbag ways. Because he’s a prince, that one.

Short of screaming “YOU FRAUDED ME!” into the heavens from her front lawn, Molly is handling Luis’s disappearance as best she can. By that, I mean explaining herself to the producers like a kid called into detention and reluctantly confessing the truth to her family. All conversations go a little something like this: “Luis and I got legally married – but it didn’t really count so don’t hate me, kaaaaaaay?” This woman is exhausting.

Olivia and Molly’s father both basically tell her she is full of sh*t, and it’s especially heartbreaking seeing the betrayal register on poor Olivia’s face. She can’t believe her mother not only brought a stranger into their lives, but married him without telling her daughters! The garbage person Molly has turned into is virtually unrecognizable to Olivia, who has always been close to her mom. Molly’s redemption tour either starts now, or she humiliates herself by begging Luis to come back. At the reunion, we find out she does the latter, which elicits a collective groan from all womankind.

But I have a third alternative to propose: Molly – kick Luis to the curb, immediately file papers for an annulment, grab you a white binder, call Walmart Tom, and commence stalking Luis on SHOSHAL media with grammatically f**ked up threats from this day forward. Danielle can be your life coach, girl. (Last seen, she can be found on Instagram selling autographed photos of herself on a rocking chair. #Genius)

Andrei and Elizabeth get married in the woods, where Libby’s father sweats profusely through his suit and tosses empty threats her way about Andrei “not deserving her.” Alas, he must stop his grown man hissy fit before cardiac arrest sets in by the punch bowl, and the wedding ends up being pretty drama-free. Libby’s sisters dress up in their best club wear, celebrating their baby sister’s big day (and much improved lip shade). Elizabeth does look pretty in her dress, and will probably stay married to her caveman for a long, long time – if she can toss that sh*t stirring spoon of hers in the garbage. And also if she agrees to wear a tracking device on her ankle every time she leaves the apartment. Andrei is thrilled to be wifed up. Back in his country, women push a plow for forty years, then die. He hopes life with Libby will provide more amusement.

Annie and David’s big day, sponsored by Fantasy Thailand (TM), is everything Annie dreamed of since her birth in 1997. David’s daughter Ashley – who, as a reminder, is FOUR YEARS OLDER than Annie – barely shows up to the event after finding out that this very special disaster 1) is taking place on her birthday, and 2) is a giant scam on everyone in attendance. “Her a$$ can go back to Thailand,” snarks Ashley to her brother through gritted teeth as she watches Annie the alleged prostitution wh*re pose in her discount dress. David waddles through his first dance with Annie, barely able to remain vertical after drinking for 18 hours prior to his vows. Annie cheers that she’s just “so happy to wake up to this man!” for the rest of her life. <dry heave> Better her than me, dude. She’s a big fan of cinderblock rooms and man hips, apparently.

David and Evelyn are excited about joining their hearts and souls together in holy apple picking matrimony in Claremont, NH. Evelyn’s dad has gone all out with his man bun, looking hipster culty in his full beard and pink bowtie. As he walks his teenage daughter down the aisle to give her away to a foreign virgin, tears come to his eyes. Unless someone puts a tambourine in Yoko David’s hand soon, the family band is on notice. Somebody needs to alert that producer/local neighborhood creepster that his steady income of four glazed doughnuts per week will be drying up soon.

The young couple dances the night away at their reception, Evelyn making sure not to soil her Corpse Bride gown. Then she dresses up in grandma’s quilt later (WTF was that thing?!) to wave goodbye to everyone, her black thong likely on backwards underneath. Special shout out to Mikayla the bridesmaid for her deadpan delivery of good tidings! “If Evelyn is happy, we are happy,” she robotically tells producers. This line is delivered in the same tone one might say, “Your dog didn’t survive the hit and run.” #MiykaylaIsMySpiritAnimal

Okay, last but not least: Nicole and Azan. Except, Azan is in the same catfisher’s vanishing program that Mo and Luis have joined! Yes, it’s Nicole and only Nicole who will rock herself to sleep at night from now on. She will have to sniff her own shoulder and body slam herself into doorways to remember the good times – because Azan isn’t coming to the U.S after all! His visa was denied according to internet sleuthing, but Nicole doesn’t know this yet in the finale. So she grins about her true love’s visa interview coming up and, true to form, threatens to take May to Morocco when her mother, Robbalee, questions what she’ll do if Azan is denied. Robbalee can barely stomach Nicole’s threats because, as she knows, they are not empty.

As May is forced to hide under a table for amusement (because the iPad has died?), Nicole just smiles her evil, manipulative smile, goading her mother into tears of frustration. She will never stop torturing them – Azan, her mom, her baby girl. Everyone will cower before Nicole Of The Dirty Tank Top OR ELSE SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!!! One question for Robbalee: How exactly did you let this Nicole beast happen? And what advice do you have for parents to NEVER let this sh*t happen again? Asking for a friend.

Well guys, it’s the end of an era. But when one fire station door closes, another one opens. My secret sources tell me that TLC is working on a new season of 90DF right now – and it just may include some fan favorites from Before The 90 Days. Oh yeah, you heard that right. I can’t reveal exactly who has leaked news about cameras filming him, but let’s just say he likes to burn houses down, is scared of the poop water, and carries around hairballs for fun. 🙂

Until we meet again to bravely climb the ultimate garbage heap of all reality shows together…happy holidays, everyone!

Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast, Pink Shade With Erin Martin, for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance & more!) – plus a deep dive into cults & the supernatural. Now available on Podbean, Stitcher, and iTunes


Photo Credit: TLC