If the Real Housewives of Potomac were comic book villains, then Karen Huger would be The Riddler. Last night she had all the women staring wide-eyed and giving a collective “Huh?” Her story had more holes than a box of Cheerios, but it was sure entertaining to watch. I hope you all are having as much fun as I am this season. These women are on point, so let’s get into the episode.
Karen shows up at Monique Samuels’ house in a $100k+ Jaguar that is sexy pretty. She is wearing a skintight cat suit that makes me think of the pit crew from a NASCAR event, but I have to say she looks really good. Inside, Monique shows Karen her shark tank and points to the boss shark at the bottom that is named “Grand Dame” which Karen loves. However, as much as they have in common, the shark is kind of wimpy because while it will eat anything that gets between her and her food, Karen will gut anyone who gets in her way and then follow them into eternity and do it all over again, just for fun. That’s dedication, my friends! (and also why so far I’m being very nice to Karen…)
Meanwhile, Gizelle Bryant is showing how great of a friend she is to Robyn Dixon by schlepping all the way out to Hanover for the day. There is no service between Potomac and Hanover and we’re not just talking cell reception. But good news because Robyn is moving! The bad news is that it is literally around the block from her current address. Gizelle will have to suffer through a little longer until she can get her friend back to Potomac where she belongs and where Gizelle can hit a drive thru on the way to Robyn’s house. Then we’re treated to A Tale of Two Friendships. Monique is supportive with Karen but Robyn and Gizelle are not buying anything Karen is trying to sell. Bottom line is, if they come at her with claws out, Karen will go feral on EVERYONE.
Back in Potomac, Sherman 2F picks Gizelle up in a stretch limo and the two have a picnic in a vineyard. The scenery at this place is 10 out of 10. Gizelle looks really pretty too and she says that Sherman makes her happy. They talk about taking the leap and Brady Bunching their families. Then Gizelle Feeds him a strawberry and the two head into the vineyard for what I guess is the second part of the F’s.
Ashley Darby is at Oz and hallelujah it is finally making a profit! It was really tough working a long side Michael while they were estranged, but now they’re back together and she’s putting her marketing skills to the test by holding a Bliss Brunch. Did you know that if you gather all your cute girlfriends together and freely flow the alcohol people will flock to your restaurant? Apparently, it’s almost worth trying the fried kangaroo if you can make eye contact with the former Miss United States. It’s true, that’s really a thing and to prove it, in walks Candiace Dillard, in all her orange skintight with cutouts in all the places pantsuit. Candiace is Ashley’s “friend” from the pageant circuit, but how good a friend is up in the air. We haven’t yet finished readjusting the orange color setting on our TV’s and Ashley is already throwing shade by calling her title the “Off Brand Pageant”. Ouch! And yes, sometimes Ashley can be funny.
Monique and Candiace instantly hit it off because they have so much in common. Both of their guys are named Chris (but let’s be honest, Monique’s Chris could snap Candiace’s Chris like a twig with two of his non-dominate fingers). Candiace went to Howard and Monique used to party her ass off up there sister used to go there. Candiace sings and Monique raps! When Candiace was Miss United States, her platform was Women’s Empowerment. Oh! Well Monique just LOVES that. It is soooooo important. And then without taking a breath Monique takes to slamming all her fake friends and gossips about Karen drinking a whole bottle of Champagne and she has an expensive car even though she owes millions in back taxes and Monique completely misses the irony of it all.
Robyn’s missing all the fun at OZ because it is moving day. She longs the days when you could just call people to do all the packing and moving and heavy lifting. Now it is DIY and she has found friends with a truck and horse trailer that are willing to help her move for pizza and beer. Housewives, they’re just like us!
Now it’s time to get to know Candiace a little better. She and her ‘susband’ (soon to be husband) are meeting up at a bar. Her Chris had surprised her a while back with a stealth proposal that involved flying members of both families out and a video tape. It was so romantic that she makes him ask her again. In the bar. While they wait for their drinks and appetizer. After he half-heartedly complies, she makes a face like she just discovered she has stepped in dog poo, but she bravely moves on. Now Candiace has always been a princess to her family, but Chris has always been a frog. He has 3 kids from 2 wives and not at all what she ever wanted, but she can look past all these flaws. Why? Because he lets her pick out her oysters on the appetizer platter first and he eats the ones that are left that look like vaginas (I wish I was kidding). He has a hole in his jeans very near to his… (sigh) let’s just move on…
Karen has decided that the only way to handle her problems is to meet them head on. She has called a press conference for the women where there is nothing to eat, just water to drink, and a note pad for doodling. Robyn, Ashley, and Monique show up looking pretty in dresses, but Gizelle and Karen know when it’s time to bring it! Karen is in a camo jumpsuit and Gizelle is wearing a t-shirt that says #freeuncleben. Once everyone is seated, Karen introduces her dear friend Matt who she just found at a temp service has been her assistant for years. Karen then passes out all the mean tweets Gizelle has posted in the past few months. Gizelle objects. She didn’t say it, she just retweeted it. There’s a huge difference! And here’s where it gets confusing. Karen and Ray are married but their finances are independent. She learned to do that after her last divorce. Or was it Ray who told her last episode to do it this way? Robyn and Ashley tell her there are advantages to filing as a married couple and to tell you the truth I didn’t pay attention to all this tax stuff the first time I took Accounting 101 and unless it’s on the quiz, I’m not going to remember any of it!!!
Ashley pulls us back together by asking Karen if Ray will be indicted. Karen, the grand master of deflection, snaps back, “Has Michael been indicted for his ding-a-ling swinging around on Instagram?” We are then treated to a naked dick pic of Michael. (Dear Bravo, for pity sakes, PLEASE warn us next time! Our eyes! They burn!) Gizelle tries to bring it back to sanity asking what they can do to help Karen, but Karen admits that her life is very, very confusing. Yes. It. Is. The cameras flash to the waiter standing at attention, holding a water pitcher and smirking at these messy women. You, I, and everyone watching at home are all that waiter.
Tell us: What are your first impressions of Candiace? Do you think the ladies ganged up on Karen at her press conference?
Photo Credit: Bravo TV