The Real Housewives of Potomac Recap: We Need To Talk About Monique

Up until tonight’s Real Housewives of Potomac episode, Monique Samuels has kept clean and for the most part stayed out of the drama. Yes, she fought with Robyn Dixon at Big Chris’ birthday party. And before filming began, she suffered a miscarriage which she hasn’t really dealt with properly. But so far she has come across as a fun-loving woman whose biggest complaint is she can’t find a good nanny. Tonight those impressions came ‘crashing’ down (puns are fun!).

But first, let’s hop over to Great Falls and check in with Karen Huger. She wants Siri to call Matt, but Siri just asks too many dumb questions and gives Karen attitude. Karen feels lonely out in Virginia. Rayvin is gone off to college and Ray won’t talk to her about anything meaningful, but Karen can always count on Siri to be there when she needs a good argument. Karen has the entrepreneurial spirit and her business is called “Icon Enterprises”. She started with wigs and is now moving on to perfume. I just can’t help myself…was last weeks wig slip an Icon wig? Enquiring minds need to know! To make the perfume she’s going to need financing and look who walks in but Mr. Money himself, Ray. He supports her newest venture with his heart but not so much with his wallet. Besides, he has bigger problems to think about. He misses Rayvin and there’s this small matter of a 4.5 million dollar bill that Uncle Sam is requesting to be paid ASAP. But hey, Karen is not afraid of a little work. She once worked at Taco Bell and has the picture to prove it. She saved her taco coins and has her own savings. Then Karen puts me in my place and tells me to stop asking questions and mind my own business, so, okay.

Ashley Darby and Candiace Dillard meet up with Monique and Charrisse at District Cryo. They’re all sore from Bubble Ball and there’s nothing like three minutes is a freezing chamber to forget about a little muscle pain. The rep tells them that the cryo chamber is colder than the coldest place on earth, and they are all like “Great!” and I’m all like “You’d have to be threatening the life of my cat to get me in there”. But Monique is all in for this and goes first (they go by height but this makes no sense but whatever). Now, we’ve never heard this before *sarcasm* but Monique is BUSY! She has a business (grated ginger juice), she has charities, she has to please Chris (which apparently is a job), she has two kids and no nanny. This girl needs some me time!

The Real Housewives of Potomac Recap: We Need To Talk About Monique

After they all take a turn freezing their tits off, they hit the massage chairs and start talking crap about Gizelle Bryant. I have to give it to Charrisse, she tried to stick up for Gizelle, but it’s 3 against Charrisse and as we will hear NUMEROUS times later, they’re younger and wiser in the world than the geriatrics of the group. Charrisse decides to fight fire with fire. She asks Candiace, “How old are you?” Candiace admits she’s 30. Then Charrisse goes in for the kill: “Did your mom buy your engagement ring?” Oh, shady Charrisse is the best Charrisse, which I can’t believe I’m saying and maybe the world has tilted on its axis more than usual. Charrisse is on a roll. When Candiace asks about her marriage (which 100% she already knew was over) Charrisse says “Divorced…Ashley, how’re you and Michael doing?” Ashley admits it’s hard and she needs a break from the domestic drama. Therefore, she’s taking the crew to Nemacolins Resort for a few days of relaxation.

Gizelle is packing for the trip. She has lots going on and isn’t sure that she even wants to go. On top of her three girls and everything that goes with tweens, and her beauty line, Sherman is acting weird and uncommunicative. This isn’t Gizelle’s first trip around the block, and she knows trouble when she smells it. Besides, his Facetime skills are pathetic, so we’ll have to see how this plays out.

Ashley and Michael are on a bike ride. They’ve been trying to have more fun, but it’s not easy. Shocker: Michael brings up Ashley’s mom AGAIN. If we were playing a drinking game and took a drink every time Michael says “Cut her off” we’d all be more wasted than Monique is going to be after the next commercial break. Ashley and Michael just couldn’t be more different. Ashley was raised the family always helps family and Michael was raised that everyone is independent. This seems unfair to Ashley. He can’t expect her mom to change overnight, despite the fact that the unemployed boyfriend is a drain on everyone and a relative to no one. Michael tells Ashley that she’s so forgiving and he wishes she’d be that forgiving of him to which she replies, “Excuse me?” I have to pause here and ask, what does this mean? Are we talking about the ‘dingaling’ incident from Tindr? (Thanks Karen). Whatever it is, Ashley is offended. She has forgiven him for numerous things! Michael repeats that she has to cut her off, but Ashley wonders if Michael is not going to help, then what’s the point of the relationship? What’s a girl to do? The trip to Nemacolins can’t come soon enough. They’re at an impasse and decide to bike home. Nothing is resolved, and it is a long, looooong 45 miles back home.

Robyn is also getting packed for the trip. Juan brings her a gift of sneakers to take with her. They’re on a financial roll. Robyn and her mom are going to go in on a fixer house together. After the trip, she will be balls to the walls working. She thanks Juan for the gift and her boys encourage them to kiss. Juan and Robyn give a PG version of a kiss. I mean, the boys were in the room, so I’m not going to read anything into it.

Ashley, Monique, and Candiace meet at a store to shop for the upcoming trip. Monique just needs to get away from her busyness. They discuss room arrangements. Would Candiace like to room with Gizelle? NO! Charrisse? Double NO! Monique admits her friend Charrisse was harsh on Candiace during Cryo. No way would Monique have been quiet during the interrogation.  Monique’s boots were made for walking, but apparently, Candiace’s were made for sitting there and taking it. Candiace says she’s a hurricane and she can cause some damage! But Ashley admits that Candiace is more like a light drizzle. Ashley asks Candiace about the wedding progress, but Candiace just can’t talk about it. It’s sooooo stressful. And her Mother! She just is ready to cry just thinking about it all. Ashley and Monique both realize that Candiace is going to get eaten alive during the trip.

The Real Housewives of Potomac Recap: We Need To Talk About Monique

It’s all good times until Monique drives into a tree. Apparently, Monique drank her lunch then took a nap behind the wheel while the car was still moving. The next day her back and neck hurt. She does some stretching at home. I have so many questions I don’t even know where to start. Was she drunk? Why didn’t she go to the hospital? Is the airing of this episode the first the police is hearing about this? Who owned that tree? Were the Bravo cameras there but the footage cut for legal reasons? I could go on. This is really bad, friends. Monique says this is a wake-up call, but apparently not big enough to stop her from going on the trip.

The Real Housewives of Potomac Recap: We Need To Talk About Monique

Everyone meets up at Monique’s to take the party bus to Nemacolins and are startled to hear about the car wreck. Monique admits that she did have a couple of drinks, but only 2 martinis. However, Ashley spills the tea in her talking head: Monique had way more than two. I could parse this all day, but let’s live in the present moment.

Ashley has all sorts of fun things planned for the ladies. Please let Karen get on the zip line! If we all wish hard enough, it has to come true. Ashley says that she came here once with her grandparents and loved it. Her grandparents lived in a trailer park called Indian Acres and those were really happy memories for her. Gizelle wants to know if the trailer was her third home (Not being shady). Oh Gizelle, even the bus driver knows it is, but you’re pretty and he forgives you. Even Ashley lets it slide. Interestingly, Monique is the one that gets bent out of shape and mentions (for the 12th time) that Gizelle asked about the number of homes Monique has. It’s four, no FIVE homes G! Get it straight!

Monique then brings up Cryotherapy. It seems the cryo machine froze Monique’s brain because she forgot that she’s Charrisse’s ride or die. Monique completely throws Cha under the bus by reminding Candiace of what Charrisse said about who paid for your ring. Candiace decides that was a Shady Bitch Moment. Well, excuse me? Cha Cha can’t believe someone called her a bitch to her face. Anyone with manners know we do that behind the back! The two start bickering. Karen sits back and enjoys the show. If only this bus served popcorn. Charrisse doesn’t play with kids and Candiace doesn’t play with old women. Well, there you go. The kid needs to be quiet. But no! the geriatric granny is the one who needs to close her trap. All this is entertaining, but does anyone notice that Monique has drank an entire bottle of wine on her own during the fight? Whaaa??

The Real Housewives of Potomac Recap: We Need To Talk About Monique

They arrive and all this time I thought it was camping, but Nemacolins is a plush resort. The women get settled then head to lunch. The young ones plus Robyn take the white Limo (that’s not shady, just trying to explain). They are all wasted (again, except Robyn). Halfway there, Ashley needs to pee. She gets out and does it next to a clump of grass and manages to do so without so much as a bee sting or a snake bite on her tush. They arrive at their destination which is a pretty lodge house that will be serving them a catered luncheon. As the hostess, Ashley’s job is to make her guests feel welcome. She does this by bringing up all the problems the women have with each other.

Gizelle jumps straight into it. Candiace needs to apologize to Charrisse. After all, Charrisse is the glue to this group and is Gizelle’s friend. Wait… Charrisse is the glue but not a full-time housewife? Siri, get me Andy Cohen stat! I have a bone to pick with him. Anyway, Candiace fires back that Gizelle and Cha Cha are hypocrites because they are also kept women, but instead of a mom, they have ex-husbands that pay for everything. Charrisse asks Candiace, “Where’re you from?’ To which Candiace replies, “I came from Jesus.” Well, how do you argue with that? Robyn reminds Candiace that she brought up the brown penis and the mom paying for everything and how Candiace plays here mom financially. Candiace admits, well yes, but does it have to be shade? Of Course it does!!! Where do you think you are, Honey ? Karen reminds her that she had been warned to not give so much information, and she needs to button it. I can’t be the only one to think, please lord let Candiace listen to the reason that is Karen Huger. So far she has not led you astray! But Candiace dismisses sensibility and goes deeper. When Gizelle reminds her that she needs to apologize, Candiace claps back and asks her if she’s Cha’s mom. No? Then shut up and eat your greens. Ashley thinks that if only Charrisse could get laid, the whole fight could have been avoided. These women still have the entire weekend to get through, and they are off to a very bad start. Ashley wants Smoky the Bear to kidnap them, but when confronted with these women the bear who braves wildfires would be quaking in his boots.

Tell us: What do you think about Monique’s fender bender?


Photo Credit: Bravo TV