The things we heard last night on 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After can never be unheard. For example, we now know that David’s large ass prevents him from being quiet during sex. And that Annie likes to turn up the volume in the bedroom
Did we need to know these horrific details? No. Is it TLC’s job to freaking hardcore-traumatize us every Sunday night now that our favorite garbage pile show is back on the air? Apparently, YES. But um – are you okay? I’m certainly not okay. Let’s just all take a moment to have a group hug before we move on…
We find Nicole right where we left her: In the filthiest room to ever appear on TV outside of Hoarders. After Azan’s connection fails, he calls back to explain (but not really) why he’s having issues getting the K-1 visa. He has to prove that he and Nicole are a “real” couple, which is basically mission impossible considering he has 8 other girlfriends around the globe and despises Nicole almost as much as Nicole despises vegetables.
Nicole hangs up in defeat while Robbalee calls Azan out for wanting more money from Nicole – and this looks like another move to extort one more Starbucks paycheck out of her. “I hope he’s not scamming her,” says Robbalee…who obviously KNOWS what the real deal is.
Oh snap, you guys! Nicole has ventured outside – all the way to a park bench! She and May take selfies before heading back inside to wait for news and stare at the carpet crawling away. Two days later, we find out that Azan’s K-1 visa was indeed denied. Nicole cries and wonders what went wrong? “We put so much work into the visa,” says Nicole. “We” means Azan filled out all of the actual paperwork and Nicole footed the bill. Instead of worrying about why Azan’s visa actually got denied, Nicole worries about coming up with more scratch to buy her a husband. I’m worried about May playing on the floor right now. (Do they make hazmat suits in toddler sizes?)
When Robbalee comes over later to find out what happened with Azan’s visa, she manages to console her daughter (and feed May) instead of doing a full-on jumping jack for joy. Azan told Nicole he would wait for her – because he’s a romantic, that one. At least Robbalee admits to the producers that she’s secretly received this is being shut down. She thinks Azan is a scam artist. And unless she’s the most delusional woman on the planet, she also HAS to realize that her daughter is several fries short of a Happy Meal.
Annie & David
Okay, it’s back to the firehouse we go! Be strong, everyone. David and Annie are wondering how they’ll pay rent now that Chris is stopping the gravy train. Since these two grifters (yeah, I think Annie’s in on the scheme) have NO plans of seeking employment, they’ve cooked up a scheme to let David’s son, Jacob, move in. Hey – maybe he can get a job and support all of them! Yeah…that’s the ticket. Until then, they’ll be charging him $50/week for the pleasure of living in an apartment they’ve lived in rent-free for months. #DadOfTheYear
There’s only one hitch: Annie refuses to have sex with David if his son is in the Firehouse/building/apartment/vicinity. Allegedly, David and Annie enjoy bumping nasties 5 times a week. Now, they’ll be down to two, only partaking in whatever fresh hell is under David’s mumu when his son is away each week. The reason? Well, David’s “big ass” makes too much noise thumping away on poor Annie, and Annie likes to scream. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD how are we supposed to move on from this nightmarish moment? I CAN’T DEAL.
Fast forward to sometime later, where we find David clipping coupons at the kitchen table instead of searching the want ads. Solid plan, Baht-man. Annie is bored by her life in America, which essentially amounts to life in a firehouse washing dishes while her old man tries to save 25 cents on canned salmon.
Annie calls home to complain to her mother who literally lives in a hut. Mom is all, “Is he saving money for your DOWRY?!?” Annie can’t work, drive, or even slide down the fire pole without a green card. So until then, she’ll just b*tch about David’s daughter, Ashley, who she describes in as trashy terms as she can summon. She also wonders when David will pay her family the $15k he owes them in back-dowry payments. Um, Annie – that payment will be made on the tenth of NEVER. Girl, please.
Oh man, River the “nake!” is back and he’s saltier than ever. At lunch, River reprimands Chantel about how she’s cut herself off from the family because of her no-good husband. Even though everyone despises Pedro and his family, they want Chantel and him to come along to a cabin vacation they’re planning. Because taking group trips has worked out so well in the past? Chantel pictures the Cabin In The Woods scenario to come while River promises to be respectful if Pedro comes. And by respectful, he means engaging him in a friendly Hunger Games challenge once he’s isolated his hostage.
When Chantel asks Pedro to come on this fateful journey later, Pedro is not happy. “I no like Chantel family!” he proclaims. Well – there we have it. Many flashbacks of chicken feet and Americans locking themselves in white vans are trotted out to remind us why Pedro feels this way. Basically, it one giant NO BUENO sitch all around. Chantel strong arms Pedro into going though, reminding him that in-law torture is a natural part of marriage. I mean, his mom and sister have already proven that, no?
On the day of the trip, Chantel’s family pulls up to whisk the couple off to the cabin of doom – but Pedro isn’t budging. Finally, he emerges from the apartment, but refuses to speak to anyone. “I don’t give a f**k if he comes,” says River, who’s already planning the hazing ahead. As Pedro sits in the back of the minivan with headphones on, the Family Chantel seethes about him not “making an effort” with them. They’d like Pedro to answer 20 questions, and now that he knows a little more English, the game is on.
When they arrive at their destination, Pedro is ready to talk – or rather, to lay down the rules. He asks that Father Chantel and River give him space on this little getaway. They balk, wondering what Pedro’s problem is. He asks if they remember what happened in the DR? As in: Snubbing his entire family at his grandmother’s home after she’d cooked all day for them. They are shocked, thinking maybe Pedro needs to sleep the rest of the weekend in the minivan. And just to be fair, Pedro doesn’t seem to remember his mom and sister’s vile behavior playing a part in any of this, so maybe he does need a time out. Whatever. The basement will serve him well.
Still sad-sacking it in his parents’ basement, Jorge ponders the alternative-divorce-solution he’s threatening. He knows it’s an empty threat, we know it, and Anfisa knows it. As he schleps his laundry to the laundromat on the corner, he thinks about what a mistake it was to call Anfisa a hooker. I mean, how is he supposed to get his alimony now?!? Because she is certainly making more than this dude doing…whatever it is she’s doing. Ahem.
In one of the most desperately pathetic scenes this show has ever produced (and that’s really saying something), Jorge calls Anfisa on his cracked iPhone as he leans up against a public dryer. #JesusFixIt
He wants to have dinner with Anfisa, and after much
acting like she has hesitation, she agrees. Jorge doesn’t care how many times this chick has keyed his car/turned off his phone/changed his email passwords/punched him in the face. HE LOVES HER! Yep.
Before they meet up for dinner, Anfisa tells producers that Jorge has lied about her being a webcam girl. She claims to not even know what this mysterious “webcam girl” thing is. “I don’t know what you are talking about,” Anfisa snaps when producers confront her on the subject. Then the camera crew disposes of their drinks before leaving, as they have all likely been laced with strychnine.
Finally, we move on to the most awkward dinner scene ever. Jorge and Anfisa trade riveting How are you’s? and I’m fine’s before getting down to brass tacks. Jorge admits he lied at the Tell All to hurt her, but blames it on his own hurt feelings. “Pooooor Jorge,” taunts Anfisa. She’s sick of Jorge playing victim when he’s lied to her from the start. Sure, she’s an asshole. But she’s an HONEST asshole! Jorge wants to try again though, so he promises to have Anfisa’s back no matter what. Anfisa takes a look at her rented handbag and agrees to try again. Without this show, there’s no paycheck after all!
After they touch down in Bucaramanga, Colombia, Paola’s sister, Patricia, picks Russ and her up. Paola instantly feels guilty when she sees how big her niece and nephew have gotten, but she’s glad to be home. They head to the hotel, where her Pao’s sister fills her in on how poorly their grandmother is doing. Her brain cancer is advanced, and Patricia thinks she’s ready to go. Paola is scared to see her grandmother, knowing how changed she will be since the last time they saw one another. Patricia admits that the family is hurt by Paola’s absence since she moved to the U.S. They want her to remember she’s got a life in Colombia too. (I’d like Russ to remember that he used to have a better haircut – then go get that haircut again.)
At the hospital the next day, Paola sees her grandmother for the first time in four years and now I’m sorry for making that haircut joke because this is just heartbreaking. “Hello my queen!” cries her grandmother. “How beautiful you are.” Paola actually lived with her grandmother off and on growing up, so they share a close bond. Russ is meeting her for the first time, which he’s happy about – but he regrets not meeting her when she was healthy. Pao’s aunt, Ivone, wonders why her niece has been so distant from the family since she moved. It’s not just about visiting – apparently, Pao hasn’t been keeping in touch with anyone as much as she used to either. At least she got to see her grandmother before the end, her grandmother finally got to meet her husband. Who needs a haircut. (OKAY, SORRY! I can’t stop.)
After that heart wrenching scene, we catch a more upbeat day of Paola taking Russ on a tour of her hometown. It’s lively and beautiful and filled with memories for Paola, who misses the excitement and passion of Colombia. She wants to ride motorcycles again, not pick out a new poly-blend V neck for Russ at Kohls. When Alex, Paola’s old motorcycle friend, stops to say hello, Russ is once again threatened by Pao’s old life. At least he agrees to go for a ride despite practically pissing his pants on the back of some chick’s ride. (Was that a woman? it looked like a woman.)
As it turns out, Paola dated Alex, which she finally admits to Russ. It’s tough to tell whether the scripting of this scene is going south or if Paola is actually embarrassed, but she basically laughs through the whole conversation while Russ feigns anger. It’s weird.
Ugh. Wipe down your screens, because Luis is about to slither across them once again. Since we checked in with the happy couple last time, Molly and Luis are pretending to be anything other than the utter disaster they are. Luis feels like he should be forgiven of everything since he made that pathetic apology to Molly’s daughters.
But Luis needs to watch his back because Uncle Jess is back – and he’s sportin’ a new hat. He wants to have a man-t0-manboy chat with Luis, who he’s pissed at for running away from the marriage just because he was scared of owls. Or whatever. “You be the man,” Jess commands, but Luis isn’t the man of his own selfies (check that IG, yo) let alone man of that house. Jess reminds him that he signed up to be a stepdad, so he needs to man up. As many times as Jess says “man,” Luis finally starts to ponder the fact that he isn’t one yet. He’s too young for this sh*t, he thinks. But the reality is that he’s too immature. And everyone knows it but Molly.
Until she gets a clue, Molly is still in it to win it. And she still thinks Olivia – who’s been “acting out,” according to mom – will eventually come around on Stepdaddy Luis. Molly can’t get Olivia to answer her phone, let alone accept this smarm bucket of a man as her new male role model. She does eventually get a hold of Olivia, who tells her she won’t be coming home. Luis practically squeals with delight when he hears this news even though Molly fears that her daughter might be gone for good.
In full mommy stalker mode, Molly grabs the nearest black hoodie and skull cap, then conscripts her friend Cynthia into driving her to Olivia’s boyfriend’s house. Once there, we see Molly and Olivia from far away. Cameras pick up Olivia telling Molly how selfish she is, and Molly actually agreeing. Wow. Will she actually get rid of Luis though? And…can it be VERY SOON? (Please!)
Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Exclusive Interviews & more!). Available on Acast, Stitcher, and iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.
TELL US: ARE YOU EVER GOING TO GET OVER HEARING ABOUT ANNIE & DAVID’S SEX LIFE? IS MOLLY GOING TO COME TO HER SENSES SOON? WHY WAS AZAN’S VISA REALLY DENIED?
Photo Credit: TLC