No one learned jack squat on last night’s 90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After, but that’s the cost of
catfishing for spouses online doing business, I guess. We were schooled on a few things, however, such as how ridiculously clueless Nicole’s parents actually think she is, why David was too busy purchasing a wife to make time for his children, and just how many drinks it takes before Pedro starts (almost) throwing punches at The Family Chantel. Basically, this show is the education we never knew we needed. So, let’s toss aside the formalities and head right to dimwit school!
Nicole emerges into daylight – which could really be the entire arc of today’s story for her – to meet with her stepdad and mother, Robbalee. May is happy to see other humans who will actually interact with her, and Nicole’s stepdad is happy to have the opportunity to lay the smack down. He can’t believe how much money Nicole has funneled to Azan in the past few years. “She’s making a bad mistake,” says Captain Obvious. “She’s very ignorant.” Um, yep. Thanks in advance for the title of Nicole’s forthcoming unauthorized biography.
Nicole doesn’t want to be questioned on her terrible choices though; she just wants everyone to congratulate her on ruining her and her young daughter’s life. “I don’t care about what they think!” whines Nicole, imagining that Azan’s family will actually be excited about her joining him in holy mother***king matrimony.
Bottom line: Nicole’s stepdad knows Azan is scamming her and that she’s pathetically trying to buy his affection, but there’s no slamming sense into Nicole’s thick skull. Robbalee already knows it’s a lost cause. She tears up as she says, “I pray that this guy is for real. But please don’t take my grandbaby away.” Oh my god, this is heartwrenching! Where’s crazy lawyer lady now? Huh? Thanks for NOTHIN’, woman! She gave Nicole this harebrained idea of pursuing the K3 visa, so she’s complicit in my book.
But never mind all of these naysayers, including me, because Nicole is marching moronically into the future. She’s ready to try on wedding gowns – at Robbalee’s expense, of course. Also, she demands a $2K budget because THIS GIRL IS SIMPLY THE WORST. Robbalee plays along, oohing and aahhing over Nicole’s tragic gown choices, while still attempting to guide her away from the full-frontal cleavage situation she’s apparently going for. Not a good move in Morocco, or anywhere for that matter. (Let’s keep it real.)
But Nicole whines “I look soooooo pretty!” loudly enough to drown out Robbalee’s concerns, so she wins in the end. As always, Nicole gets her way through brute force and b*tching, two of her greatest/grossest assets. Robbalee agrees to buy the dress, knowing that she literally has zero control over the horrific child she’s raised. Let’s hope this dress never sees the light of the Moroccan sun – or if it does, that it gets boiled goat head spilled all over it at the reception. #SilverLining
In CA, Jorge is still pretending that Anfisa loves him, and Anfisa is managing not to projectile vomit every time he touches her. They think marriage counseling can help. During their session, Anfisa cries about Jorge betraying her and continually lying to her. Jorge, who may be using a wee too much of his “product,” can’t even manage to come up with any issues to talk about.
The therapist tells Jorge that his lying is manipulative and a way of controlling Anfisa’s feelings. Jorge is like, “Uh. Uh. Yeeeeah.” He is literally taking in zero information here. Jorge also doesn’t understand why Anfisa is upset about him trashing her to his family. Oh, I don’t know – MAYBE BECAUSE THEY HATE HER NOW?!? And whether she’s given them reason to hate her or not (which, okay, she has), Jorge has thrown plenty of lighter fluid on that dumpster fire.
(Let’s pause for a moment to send silent strength to this therapist, who truly has no goddamned idea about what he’s getting into. Ohhhhhmmmm…)
Anfisa has a lot of pain, which is apparent in the session and in her interview with producers. But she refuses to get specific, insinuating that it’s mostly because she feels alone in America. Jorge was her only connection to her new life, and he turned out to be a broke-ass lying liar who LIES. Not a great outcome for a
webcam girl with big dreams. Again, say what you will about Anfisa, but she’s never lied about what she wanted out of this marriage (money and stability), and she was sold an empty bill of goods.
After their session, Jorge puts his one remaining brain cell on full display when he admits he can’t remember anything from therapy. Thus, he’s incapable of changing. But he IS capable of getting thrown in jail for being a world class idiot. And he’ll be trotting out that party trick very soon in the great state of Arizona. Tip of the hat to ‘ye, Jorgie Boy.
In Colombia, Paola is once again forcing Russ to meet up with Juan, her hideous “bestie” that openly loathes and insults Russ at every juncture. This is a stellar plan. Also part of Juan’s plan: Imbibing a substance that has rendered his eyes bloodshot and his fists ready to swing. Not saying he’s in an altered state, but, um…
Before this blessed event occurs, Paola meets with him individually to encourage the peacemaking dinner. Russ stays back in the hotel to call his parents and flowbee his hair. Juan thinks Russ stole his best friend away, changed into a sad, boring person who thinks she can break into the modeling industry at 30, and doesn’t deserve a chance. But he agrees to meet with him anyway because – more camera time for him! Also, it sounds like Paola has complained to Juan endlessly about Russ over the years, and he’s acting as her mouthpiece when he goes on the attack. She’s a snake in the grass, this one.
At dinner, Russ warns Juan that they need to be cool for Paola’s sake. But it all goes to hell pretty much immediately. Juan does the old “I’m scratching my eyebrow with my middle finger” in an effort to flip Russ off, middle school style. Russ tells Paola, and she feigns surprise, then just tries to laugh it off while mock-scolding Juan. But Juan obviously has his marching orders to rile things up tonight, because he doesn’t back down. He thinks Russ is a loser, which apparently makes Juan a winner? Okay, dude. You know, Russ does have a tragic haircut, but still – he’s nowhere near the loser status of that piece of trash.
To put it briefly: JUAN SUCKS. But Paola lets him suck, which sort of makes her a garbage person too. Hmm. I guess she’ll see just how dangerous it is to trot Juan out in public next week when Russ finally fights back – with his fists. (And I am here for that!)
It’s the day of reckoning for David, who has some explaining to do. Ashley invites her dad out to dinner to confront him. In the wake of Jacob’s gunshot tragedy, their petty issues were put on hold – but they certainly didn’t go away. David claims he wants to be a better father now, but Ashley has a hard time believing it. She’s only seen her dad twice in the six months he’s been back – and we certainly know it’s not because his lazy carcass is WORKING.
Ashley is also suspicious of Annie: Her age, her motives, and her goals don’t make sense. David just thinks Ashley is trying to break his marriage up, which okay, maybe she is. But it’s not like homegirl LIED about David’s sordid past to Annie when she met with her. Later, when David tells Ashley that Annie thinks she “yaks” too much, Ashley flips out. “It it because you have a d**k that you don’t have feelings?” she snarks at her dad, “Because I have feelings!” David doesn’t seem to know what he has or doesn’t have. (Although we can safely assume he doesn’t have the $1.49 to pay for the iced tea he just enjoyed.)
The years of fatherly betrayal and abandonment are the core issues here, not whether Ashley and Annie become besties. Ashley just wants her dad to start acting like a freaking dad. David’s like, “Um, okay, absolutely.” But we’ll see if those words are followed by action.
Because there apparently is a 90DF god, Molly’s mother has dutifully come over to take care of her granddaughter, Kensley. Luis has been holed up in his room almost the entire weekend, until Grandma forces him to go sledding IN A FUR COAT AND JEANS. Wtf? Wtf? Wtf? This is amazing and possibly the best thing we shall see all night. (I salute you, Mother Molly! Thank you for your service.)
Back inside, Grandma has a heart to heart with Luis. He admits it’s hard to fit into this new life, which is because he’s still a child himself. Grandma sees right through this dirtbag, but what can she do? Molly will have to kick his trifling behind out with her own left foot – and that time is (hopefully) coming soon. Tragically, it may not be soon enough. Those girls might never trust their mother again after what they’ve been put through. 🙁
Molly comes home, obviously having taken some good sense pills, to confront Luis on his dodgy behavior. She’s not sure that taking him back after the initial breakup was such a hot idea. He could not care less – truly. He sleepily mumbles, “So, you want to say again ‘get out of my house’?” This pre-breakup question is voiced with all the enthusiasm one might muster, say, when asking whether the ice machine is broken again. Like, “Ugh, this again. What-ever.” It’s obvious he’s done, but not before one final argument…which will end in much pushing and shoving, according to next weeks’ preview. Again, I must implore that an owl/buddha/candle situation be involved in the kerfuffle. We need a circle of life moment here, people!
Still holed up in the cabin with Chantel’s hostile family, Pedro assures his bride that he doesn’t plan on leaving her. When Chantel’s parents wake up, they need clarification though: What the hell was this kid talking about the night before? He threatened to go back to the DR without Chantel, right? Pedro backtracks, claiming it’s just the wine and language barrier at work. “I spill the beans. I wish no tell Chantel Family I go back to the DR!” says Pedro to producers. Chantel seems to be on board with Pedro’s totally – ahem – legit business goals too.
But wait – plot twist! Pedro’s mother apparently has a shady business running some sort of “marriage ring,” according to Mother Chantel. Sure, Pedro’s mom is a lawyer, but she’s also running an internet site matching American & Dominican spouses so she can take care of their immigration paperwork. Or something like this? OMG, it’s hard to tell what the actual f**k is going on between Pedro’s half-splanations and Chantel’s parents’ assumptions. But when Pedro blurts out, “My mother find people who want to marry for the money!” Chantel and her parents are shocked. Did he just flub his words or show his cards? In any case, everyone is on high alert. THERE IS HARVESTING GOING ON, AMERICA! HARVESTING!!!
At least, Mom & Dad think so. Therefore, they’ll be hiring a private detective to perform an investigation. (Okay, Family Chantel, here’s what you’ll need: One white binder, one random dude from Walmart, chainsmoking Beth & her rickety Honda, and a nice court outfit. Like stretch pants. YOU’RE WELCOME.) Hearing this P.I. news, Pedro is in disbelief, but Chantel seems completely on board. Hmm, interesting. At least she manages a monotone interview with producers: “I-am-in-love-with-Pedro-but-I-am-concerned.” #SuperConvincing
After Pedro calls his sister to fill her in on the situation, she calls The Family Chantel stupid. What she fails to realize is that it’s about to get a whole lot more STUPIDER up in here. Oh yeah. I’m all strapped in for this wild ride. (Pass the popcorn. Nom nom nom…)
Because this trip hasn’t fully crossed over into horror movie territory yet, the family decides to take everyone on a forced hike. “This trip is making me sick,” says Pedro when Chantel stupidly asks if he’s okay. Um, no – no, he is not okay. He’s about to be under investigation, girl! Even though Pedro says he never meant anything by his drunken claims to go back to the DR, he kind of made his own bed. Thus, he is forced to hike
to his own murder site with a family who hates him.
Back in the cabin, dinner is served, and so is some shade – courtesy of River, the NAKE! He wants to know about Pedro’s plans to leave. Pedro can’t handle this line of questioning again, even though he created the situation to begin with. “You ask too many questions!” he barks back. Chantel defends Pedro’s initial comments too – he’s not really leaving her, everyone is just confused. But when River doesn’t leave the situation alone, Pedro finally just exits the scene. We know he’ll return, however, and eventually lose his ever-loving mind ALL over River at a future dinner, where the sh*t really hits the fan. So, to be continued…
I’ll be here with a giant bag of chocolate almonds, four Diet Cokes, and a laptop next week to capture all THREE fights coming our way. Please join me. (I really can’t do this alone.) It’s gonna be a 90 Day Fiance RUMBLE!
Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Exclusive Interviews & more!). Available on Acast, Stitcher, and iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.
TELL US: WHO IS THE BIGGEST DISASTER? HOW ARE ANFISA AND JORGE BECOMING THE CALMEST COUPLE OF THE BUNCH? HAS ROBBALEE LOST ALL CONTROL OF NICOLE, IF SHE EVER HAD ANY?
Photo Credit: TLC