Jersey Shore: Family Vacation Recap: You Can’t Turn a Hamster Into a Housewife

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before — on tonight’s episode of Jersey Shore: Family Vacationit’s a Jersey Shore party house, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi and a whole mess of alcohol. You know what’s about to happen? I knew you’ve heard this scenario before. Well, keep reading anyway.

The show starts off with the remnants of DJ Pauly D’s birthday party — the last party with everyone and a whole mess of alcohol. Pauly D called it a success even with the Jen Harley/Ronnie Ortiz-Magro and Chris Larangeira/Angelina Pivarnick dramas. It’s the next morning and Pauly D is on his way to his next gig, but everyone else is eating breakfast and nursing their hangovers. Jenni ‘JWoww’ Farley and Vinny Guadagnino leave first and Jenni talks about getting a house for everyone at the Shore for vacation.

Ronnie is obviously still upset because Jen bounced on him at the party — you can tell he’s upset when his hair is all mussed up — and is leaving, but he considered it a great party too. He recognizes that he’s the one in more control in his relationship and he’s hoping that he and Jen can work everything out. He may be more in control, but he’s also more in denial than anyone. Wake up Ronnie!

Jersey Shore: Family Vacation Recap: You Can’t Turn a Hamster Into a Housewife

Three weeks later, Snooki texts everyone that she has found a house at the Shore for the summer. Jenni and Snooki stop by to see Deena Cortese because she is on bedrest. Deena talks about her pregnancy scare when she started bleeding. Deena says that the baby is fine, but she needed to go on bedrest because she’s still spotting (bleeding a little). She doesn’t want to go to the house with everyone, but if she gets better she may stop by. Snooki — or selfish Snooki as she calls herself — good name girl —  is hoping that she still comes.

Jenni, Snooki and Deena talk about the triangle of Angelina, Vinny and Chris — and the idea of them wanting to have a threesome. Jenni says that Vinny’s penis is just like six degrees of Kevin Bacon. Snooki doesn’t get the joke. Raise your hand if you’re not surprised. Basically, it means anyone you name can be traced back to Vinny sleeping with them.

At their dinner date, Angelina and Chris are, not surprisingly, talking about Vinny again. Chris asks Angelina if they can stop talking about him. It lasts for just a few minutes when the conversation comes back to Vinny. Chris asks Angelina if she loves him. Of course, she says no and who knows if she is, but raise your hand if you think that Angelina is at least obsessed with Vinny.

Snooki is talking to Ronnie about the house that she rented, sight unseen. When she arrives on her own, she’s absolutely thrilled with the way the house looks, but there’s no beach anywhere even close.

Nicole lies to Ronnie about the beach, but he loves the house.

Jersey Shore: Family Vacation Recap: You Can’t Turn a Hamster Into a Housewife

Ronnie and Nicole decide to get drunk while waiting for the others to show up. Ronnie makes them both drinks and the music keeps repeating ‘oh no’ as Snooki guzzles. She already feels drunk and they haven’t gone out yet. They decide to go out to eat, where Snooki confronts Ronnie on Jen and he tells her that everything is going well. “Is that before or after she dragged you in the car?” she said. Oh snap. She wants to know why he stays with her when Jen tried to kill him. Ronnie claims it wasn’t as bad as everyone made it out to be — he claims he just fell outside the car and Jen didn’t know that he was holding on.

Nicole thinks that for the baby’s sake they need therapy and need to get better. She hopes that they are never in the news like that again — oops they were just recently! Snooki wants to dance so they go to the bar. She keeps talking about the spiral squad being back and she calls Angelina. Angelina is heading the house with her suitcases, but Snooki gets her to come to the club.

Angelina talks about how she and Chris need to talk because they aren’t in a good place right now — they are always arguing. Maybe that’s because she can’t stop talking about Vinny! She meets Snooki and Ronnie at a bar and by the time she drags her suitcase up the stairs Snooki said she’s ready to leave and passes out in the cab back to the mansion.

Back at the house, Chris calls Angelina and he sounds sleepy, but she thinks he’s pissed at her. The conversation doesn’t last long and Chris tells her to call him tomorrow.

Vinny and Michael “The Situation” Sorrentino are on their way to the shore and Mike says that the prodigal son has returned to the land.

Back to Angelina, who tells Snooki and Ronnie that she loves Chris, but that they fight all the time. She said he talks nasty and that he has been getting too comfortable about what he says. Ronnie starts giving Angelina relationship advice — screeeech, wait, what?! Read that again. Ronnie is giving Angelina relationship advice! Ronnie gets it right though when he says, “If I’m telling you what to do with your relationship, it means that your relationship is really messed up!” So true.

In the car, Vinny asks Mike if he’s looking forward to seeing Angelina and he said he thinks she’s fun. The conversation always seems to go back to Angelina and Vinny.

Angelina thinks that Vinny is in love with him. Snooki thinks that the two of them should just have sex and get it over with. When it comes to Angelina, Ronnie makes the comment that you can’t turn a hamster into a housewife. Wow.

Jenni finally shows up and they all get ready to go to dinner at Char.

Let’s see if this part of the recap sounds familiar:

Vinny asks Angelina, “How is your night going dear,” and Angelina thinks he’s flirting.

Jersey Shore: Family Vacation Recap: You Can’t Turn a Hamster Into a Housewife
Nicole is getting drunk again. Asks for her favorite food while drinking, asparagus. Really?! Once she’s drunk, her alter ego Dren comes out and the rest of the squad wants to hurry up and pay the bill before someone gets hurt. Nope, it’s not 2009, but it seems like it.

In next week’s teaser, we see Vinny screaming at Angelina to stop talking about him.


Photo Credit: MTV