Bachelor Season 27 Episode 3 Recap: “I’m Not Here To Make Friends”

The episode began with the obligatory gratuitous shower scene. Bachelor Zach Shallcross and his hairy chest, to be more specific. Yawn. We’ve seen it before. And Sean Lowe did it better.

And speaking of Sean Lowe, what a coincidence! Zach decided to call his buddy Sean and bring him up to date on the whole sitch. I hope Sean’s getting paid as a producer on this season, because this is his second appearance. The Bachelor Nation veteran told Zach to look for his “best friend . . . and then there’s that romantic element on top of that.” Sean closed the conversation with, “We’re rootin’ for you. I can’t wait to hear how it goes.”

Jesse Palmer Sets The Week’s Calendar of Activities

Meanwhile back at the ladies’ residence, Jesse Palmer arrived to get the women all amped up about the week’s activities. The host informed them that there would be three dates this week: two “incredibly romantic” one-on-one dates and one “very large group date.” The women were disappointed when Jesse said there would not be a date “today.” Until he clarified, “It’s tonight” as he whipped the date card out of his back pocket.

After wishing them all good luck and ominously saying, “I hope to see you all at the end of the week,” the Bachelor alum made his exit.

Brooklyn (I think) jumped off the couch to read the card. “Kaity,” she began, “I want a love for the ages. Zach.” And all the women oohed and aahed and pretended to be happy for her, while Kaity cried actual tears of joy.

The First One-on-One Date: A Night At The Museum

When Zach arrived to pick up his date, he sat next to her on the couch and made small talk with group. It didn’t go unnoticed that he had his hand on Kaity’s knee. Zach, use your head, man! Physical affection for one woman in the presence of the others is just not cool and will only cause trouble.

Oh, man! That traffic in LA is horrific. I’m glad they’re in a limo and can just enjoy the drive, rather than having to stress over the stop-and-go of it all.

As they toasted to their first date with champagne, Zach said, “I hope it’s really as special as I hope it is for you [redundancy!], cause it’s gonna be an absolute blast. I can’t wait for you to see what we actually do.” Uh-oh. So they’re not just going out to dinner then? “It might shock you a little bit,” he finished. Cheers!

They ended up at the Natural History Museum, and they have it all to themselves. Cool! It’s Night at the Museum. I hope the dinosaurs don’t come to life and chase them. Kaity echoed my thoughts as she squealed, “Cool!”

RELATED: New Bachelor Zach Shallcross Promises A “Drama-Free” Season

At the museum, Zach and Kaity were sitting at a table next to a skeleton of what looked like a triceratops, not eating the dinner that sat before them. Kaity told Zach, “I just never have experienced anything romantic.” That’s just sad, Kaity.

Zach shared with Kaity, “I’m looking for my best friend” (that Sean Lowe training really stuck with him).

After Kaity said all the right things about wanting her best friend and the happily ever after, yada yada yada, Zach picked up the rose. “Kaity, will you accept this rose?”

ABSO-FECKING-LUTELY she would! Kaity was beyond thrilled.

But the thrills didn’t stop there. Zach asked Kaity, “Would you like to spend the night here with me?” It IS Night at the Museum! There was a campsite with a tent set up next to the elephant display. And inside the tent were . . . twin beds?! Okay– I guess we’re not at Fantasy Suite week just yet. The other women are still gonna lose their shite when Kaity doesn’t come home tonight.

Zach and Kaity ran through the museum in their pajamas and slippers, checking out all the exhibits. It really did look like a fun date. I was a little jealous myself.

As they zipped themselves into their tent, Kaity suggested, “I think we should move our beds a little closer together,” and Zach agreed. Cue the smacky, kissy sounds (ewww!). The women who were waiting up to hear about Kaity’s date became more and more anxious and irritated, as they realized Kaity was probably not coming back tonight.

Back at the mansion, Christina was bragging to the rest of them, “I’m the only one here who’s been on a one-on-one, and whoever does get it, you’re going to probably be blown away.” A rather forceful knock on the front door startled them all out of their jealous hatred of Christina. The next date card had arrived! Everyone was hoping it would be their name on the card, as Ms. Mandrell skipped to the door to retrieve it.

It’s a group date next. Ariel, Mercedes, Kylee, Anastasia, Christina, Bailey, Genevie, Brooklyn, Brianna, Jess, Katherine, Davia, Gabi, Charity and Greer (yikes! 15 of them!) pasted smiles on their faces and tried to hide their disappointment. “There are no rules in the game of love. Zach.”

Aly was the lucky recipient of the other one-on-one. Even though she claimed to be “freaking out inside,” Aly is pumped!

Kaity’s Walk of Shame in Her New Pajamas

The next morning, the ladies were all up early (7:00 am?! What are they clocking in for work?), and the tension grew as they realized that Kaity had spent the night with their boyfriend. Christina was not feeling as special as she had when she was “the only one who had been on a one-on-one.”

Kaity proved that she was a hussy when she did the Walk of Shame in her new pajamas (Brooklyn stole my line right after I typed that). Nice way to make sure the rest of them will REALLY hate Kaity, Bachelor producers.

Kaity plunked herself on the couch and began to “tell us all about it.” Everyone just looked more and more sad, as Kaity went through every detail, including, “He wanted to spend the night together.” I don’t think I would have shared that one, Kaity Kat. That won’t make you any friends.

The Group Date: 15 Women Tackle For Love

Later that day, the tech executive waited on a football field, as his 15 dates spilled out of their party bus. “Football is like love,” Zach mused. “It takes heart. It takes guts. It takes passion.” He was ready to “grow the energy” and “really get to know” all 15 women, as they played football together. Right.

Running onto the field were two “LA Charger Legends,” Shawne Merriman and Antonio Gates. Never heard of either of them, but I’m not a Charger fan. One of the former pro football players (I already forgot which was which) announced that it was “Bachelor Bowl V.” The ladies would compete in a game of full-tackle football. Is that really a good idea? Someone is bound to get hurt. Or at least break a nail, which would be equally tragic.

The winning team would go to the After Party, getting to spend more time with Zach and have a chance at the rose. The losers would, of course, go home on the Loser Bus.

After a little bit of “training,” it was time for the game. Jesse Palmer and ESPN Sports Journalist Hannah Storm were calling the game. Hannah called the honor “truly a career highlight.”

The two teams were the “Shall-Crushers” in yellow and the “Ball-Zachs” wearing — ahem — blue. (I can’t. I just can’t). “They’re bold, they’re confident and they’re blue,” Hannah intoned with a straight face. “Hence the name.” She went there, so I wouldn’t have to. Thanks, Hannah.

And just as I predicted, there was a player down–on the kickoff. That was fast! Good thing there was an ambulance standing by. Lying flat on her back on the field, it was Anastasia (yellow team).

“Are you hurt? What’s happening?” Zach wanted to know.

Once she’d gotten enough attention from everyone, ‘Stasia answered, “Nothing. I’m good.” She said she’d hit her head when she was tackled (I knew this wasn’t a good idea), but she was able to walk off the field unassisted for a rest. In a confessional, Brooklyn said what everyone else was thinking, “I knew she wasn’t hurt. She was fine. She’s just milkin’ it.”

RELATED: New Bachelor Zach Shallcross Addresses Being “Too Young” for Marriage

“Speaking of strategy,” Hannah told Jesse, “I think Anastasia is the winner so far. She gets to spend some time with Zach on the sideline after her [meaningful pause] injury?” Good call, Hannah. She added, “She looks perfectly fine to me.”

The score at halftime was tied 7-7. And as predicted, someone broke a nail, but I couldn’t identify the injured party.

In the end, the blue Ball-Zachs won the game 14-7. The Shall-Crushers were crushed, as they said tearful goodbyes to Zach and headed for the Loser Bus.

All cleaned up and glammed for Zach, the Blue Team headed to their cocktail party. When Zach arrived, they all raised a glass and cheered, “To the Ball-Zachs!”

As the women at the cocktail party were competing for the Bachelor’s attention, the ones at the house were commiserating over their aches and pains from the football game. There was the ominous knock at the front door.

But it wasn’t an envelope at the front door. It was a ribbon-bedecked white box. Could it be an outfit for her date? Kaity opened the attached card, and read aloud, “Aly, are you ready to fall in love? Zach.”

The box seemed to contain a wedding dress, and they all tried to be happy for her. “I just need to pick out my colors for you to wear as my bridesmaids,” Aly joked. The other women were not amused.

Back at the group date, Christina couldn’t stop talking about her one-on-one date, and the other women were getting tired of it. Brooklyn (I think) finally called her on it, saying, “If I hear one-on-one [one more time] . . . I might lose my mind, just because — not that I don’t care or [I’m] not happy for you, But we know.” Enough already, Christina. Read the room.

Brooklyn then took it a step further and accused Christina of being “malicious” to keep talking about her one-on-one date and how she got to meet Zach’s family.

Bailey went to Zach seeking some validation, but he seemed to be starting to tell her that their “spark” might be fading. They were interrupted by another of the women (Becca maybe?). Rather than ask for another minute to finish their conversation, Zach kind of rudely told Bailey, “Maybe we can continue this conversation later?”

I really hate when they do that. First of all, to interrupt when someone’s having a serious conversation is annoying. And then for the Bachelor/Bachelorette to agree to be interrupted just seems really disrespectful. Poor Bailey, knowing he’d been about to give her some bad news, was forced to awkwardly excuse herself. That must have felt awful.

Bailey took another try at talking to Zach. It was obvious that she’d been crying, as you could hear it in her voice. When she told him that she really liked him and wanted to be there, he admitted to not seeing a future with her. Oh, no! Bailey was “really shocked to hear that.” She didn’t see it coming. Zach said he just had other “connections” that he felt “more confident” about.

Bailey made her farewells to the other women and went home. Did Zach not walk her out? Didn’t his mama raise him to be a gentleman?

The other women were shocked, but when Christina commented, “Although it’s sad, and she was our roommate, like, that’s inevitable.” Ouch. That was a little cold, Christina. The other ladies agreed with me, as they all shot daggers at her with their eyes. Christina was wearing thin with the other women.

When Zach rejoined the group, the other women were all hoping that Christina would not be getting the rose. Charity ended up the lucky recipient of the date rose. (I wasn’t surprised after seeing that kiss during her time alone with Zach). The Bachelor said his good nights, and just like that, the party was over.

Christina just doesn’t know when to keep her mouth shut. After Zach left, she said, “I’m confused. Maybe I missed something, but honestly, I’m mad that it wasn’t me.” Gurrrrrrrrl, you are not making yourself any friends.

She seems like a girl who is used to getting everything she wants, and she doesn’t have much awareness or concern for other people’s feelings either. I’m bummed, cause I liked her, but the writing is on the wall, and it’s written in her own hand. To quote Ms. Mandrell, “Duh!”

Second One-on-One Date: Falling in Love is Really Scary When It’s From 5000 Feet

The next day was Aly’s one-on-one date. Zach waited under a flower-bedecked trellis as Aly pulled up in a stretch limo. Doesn’t it seem a little silly to send a stretch for just one person? It must be kind of cavernous in there all alone.

Aly stepped out of the limo, and she looked stunning in a lacy, white jumpsuit with a sheer skirt. Nice choice, Zach! They walked around the corner to find a small propeller plane parked and apparently waiting for them. Zach took her hands in both of his and asked, “Will you jump out of this really scary plane with me?”

Aly giggled nervously as she answered, “I do,” even though she had serious doubts about the whole situation. “Jumping in the jumpsuit,” she joked.

So they got into the plane and took off. No training? No instructions? NO HELMETS? That seemed a little sudden. The plane went to a ridiculous altitude, and even I said “OMG!” when the camera panned down toward the Earth far, far below. I think Zach and Aly are definitely getting married after this. He’s going to owe her BIG time, because this was a serious bonding activity.

When asked if they were ready, Zack looked REALLY nervous, shook his head and I think said, “Not ready,” even though closed captioning read, “I’m ready.” Aly looked much calmer and smiled, “I’m ready.”

They both seemed giddy when they landed safely on solid ground. Afterward, they relaxed in a hot tub in the middle of a picturesque vineyard with flutes of champagne.

Back in LA later that night, Zach and Aly rode in an antique elevator up to a rooftop dinner. They talked about what they each wanted from a relationship. Aly talked a LOT, and Zach offered her the rose, which she accepted. They went to a performance by Griffen Palmer. I never heard of him, but he sounded country. He was pretty good.

As the women looked forward to seeing Zach the next morning, Christina said in voiceover (thank goodness, not out loud), “I’m feeling pretty good. It’s pretty obvious that family’s important to Zach, and I did meet his entire family. Everyone’s a little bit jealous, but I’m not here to make friends. I came here for Zach. So I don’t feel like I have to hold back.” Christina’s giving me Courtney Robertson vibes. She “didn’t come here to make friends” either.

Instead of Zach, Jesse Palmer walked through the door. “I know you’re all aware there’s a Rose Ceremony tonight. You’re probably also wondering why I’m here,” he began. “Zach has decided that he doesn’t feel he needs the cocktail party tonight.”

Jesse went on to add, “The good news though is that Zach wants to have a pool party today!” And just like that, everybody was happy again. Everyone raced from the room to get those bikinis on!

Sunscreen, hamburgers, hot dogs, cannonballs into the pool, and making out in the hot tub. Zach had a busy day, which included talking with several of the women.

One of those women was Brianna, who just couldn’t seem to get anything going with Zach. During her sitdown with him, she admitted that she was going to leave. Before she left, she felt the need to throw someone under the bus. She said a lot of the women were being “intimidated” and having “really hard times with this person.” Oh dear. Are we going to have to talk about Christina again? She was just kidding when she said she hated you, cause you looked pretty. It was an awkward joke, Brianna. She apologized. Get over it.

Drumroll please. “That person is Christina.” Of course it is. Poor Brianna is such a victim. Why do the women always get so caught up worrying about other people’s behavior, instead of worrying about their own relationship with the Bachelor? It’s not a good look.

Brianna told Zach that Christina “made Charity cry after you gave her the rose last time, and she made me cry several times.” Toughen up, Brianna. You might have been “America’s Favorite” on After the Final Rose, but I don’t think you’re anybody’s favorite at this moment. And with that Zach gives her a big hug, and Brianna is headed for the door. Good riddance.

Zach rejoined the women and shared with them that Brianna had told him there was “someone in the house” who was making the others uncomfortable. He then asked if he could talk to Christina. This is not going to be good. We’ve seen the teasers showing Christina having a meltdown in the stairwell.

If You Didn’t Come Here to Make Friends, You Can Pack Your Bags Right Now, Missy

Christina is a big, confident personality, but I don’t think she’s truly mean. I don’t think she really means to hurt people. She’s a little spoiled and immature, and she just has no awareness of other people’s feelings. She just never learned to see other people’s POV.

Zach started his conversation with Christina. “It’s come to my attention that women in the house have felt hurt and insecure because of you. I was shocked, and I wanted to talk to you about that,” he said.

Christina admitted to having been “confronted by some of the girls” and “rubbing people the wrong way.” She claimed she’s “outgoing and happy and loud,” and that some people took that as her wanting to be the center of attention. She said when she was confronted, she offered “clarification” and thought everything had been settled.

Christina pleaded with Zach, begging him not to send her home, because it would be “a mistake.” But Zach has no tolerance for drama. He told her he has only a short time to find his “best friend,” and he just can’t deal with the drama. He gave her a hug and went home to give it all a think.

Zach left and sent Jesse in to do his dirty work with the women. “I just left Zach,” the host said, “Understandably, he’s very, very confused. He just doesn’t feel like he can continue on with the pool party at this point. Take a moment, gather yourselves, and I’ll see you at the Rose Ceremony.”

Meanwhile Christina sobbed in the entryway of the house. “I feel like I’m just hanging on for my life,” she sniffled. “I think he trusts me, but how do you say three girls, one who went home because of me, are lying? It just doesn’t look good for me, and it really hurts.” I was happy, at least, to see a couple of the ladies, on their way back into the house, stop to comfort her and ask if she was okay. See, Christina? Not everybody hates you.

Finally the Rose Ceremony arrived. Christina was a wreck and looked really sad. Zach admitted that he was “struggling.” He gave roses to Jess, Gabi, Ariel, Genevie (with her arm in a sling — possible football injury?), Greer, Kat, Kylee, Davia, Anastasia, and Brooklyn. The “final rose tonight” went to Mercedes.

Christina looked miserable and lost. Jesse told her, “Christina, I am so sorry. Please take a moment and say your goodbyes.”

And with that, Zach walked her out. I’m surprised. I thought she was going to win. She fit in so well with his family, and they really seemed to click. But I guess that’s what happens when you make the other women cry. Duh.

Next week on The Bachelor: they’re going to the Bahamas! And someone’s not here for the right reasons. No! Really? That’s never happened before.


[Photo Credit: Craig Sjodin/ABC via Getty Images]