Summer is over, the girls and their mothers are back in Los Angeles, and JoJo is on a hoverboard. Itâs got all the makings for a dramatic (and extra-long, Iâm sure!) season. Thatâs right, dear readers! Dance Moms returned last night, and Abby Lee Miller brought the crazyâŠwhich she promises has nothing to do with her upcoming absences. Please. Kendall hopes that the finished studio will be good for Abbyâs soulâŠshe canât be hateful in this beautiful space, right? Melissa brags that Maddie isnât in attendance because sheâs filming a movie, oh, and sheâs now Kalaniâs legal guardian so the teen can dance with the group while her mother Kira gets married and gives birth. Timing, you know. Abby interrupts the clucking hens, and she is beyond peeved at their Nationals loss. She lectures her clearly defeated group of dancers about their recent humiliation as the mothers purse their lips and the girls fight back tears.
Abby declares a ban on any extra work. No music videos, no appearances, no auditions, just dance. JoJoâs mother points out the hypocrisy that Maddie is filming a movie. Jill screams about her loyalty and how Kendall was turning down jobs left and right, as Kendall bawls, pleading for her mother not to make things worse with Abby. Abby then declares all of her dancers on the bottom of the pyramid before introducing Brynn to fill the incredible void left by Maddie. Brynnâs mother Ashlee does the requisite amount of sucking up as the other moms sulk.Â
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For their first competition, Brynn gets the first solo. Kendall is pained that the new girl bypasses all their hard work to get the coveted dance. The group dance is based on the Boy in the Plastic BubbleâŠyeah, Iâm not sure the girls are going to get that reference. Kalani interjects to say sheâll be at all upcoming rehearsals, but she wonât be competing as her father is getting married. What? Why is she even here? Who needs to see their dad walk down the aisle? Immediately, Ashlee and Melissa go at it after Ashlee accuses Maddieâs mother of talking badly about her daughter. Melissa shuts downâŠher daughter is the best (does she remember she also has MacKenzie?). JoJo is placed in the bubble, but she almost suffocates when the zipper to the plastic mess gets stuck. Weâre not even a quarter of the way into the first episode of the new season and we may have a casualty on our hands!
JoJo escapes from the bubble while the mothers complain about Abbyâs âjust danceâ law, which is hilarious given Maddieâs recent take-off. As Abby criticizes Kendallâs technique, Kendall fumes that while she loves Abby, sheâs not her product. Kendall doesnât want to be a competition dancer her entire life. She wants to sing and act and dance. Kendall wants to leave, and Abby declares her a hot mess. When Jill comes to her daughterâs defense, Kendall sticks to her guns. Sheâs over Abbyâs fighting and dramaâŠuntil her mom makes her return. Across town, Jeanette is leading the charge against the ALDC, and sheâs recruited GavinâŠheâs a precious and talented dancer who recently âkilled itâ on Ellen. She plans to revamp Abbyâs losing Nationals routine with actual choreography. After a heart-to-heart in the parking lot, Jill promises Kendall she wonât go head-to-head with Abby anymore. Kendall returns to the group, but Abby takes a break from rehearsal to Facetime with Maddie. Melissa beams as the other mothers fume. The following day, Abby reminds Kendall that her mother is an evil villain who wonât leave well enough alone. Jill vows to her cohorts that sheâll stay quiet in the studio, but sheâs not going to turn down any potential opportunities for Kendall. Holly will believe Jillâs defiance when she sees it.Â
Brynnâs solo is a lyrical piece that Abby hopes will beat out any of Jeanetteâs crew. The moms prowl social media, searching for Brynnâs competition. When they learn that Gavin has a solo, they declare his advantage due to penis pointsâŠapparently there arenât a lot of male dancers his age. They come across a post from Jeanette that states, âWeâll be waiting,â and the group automatically (and correctly) assumes that sheâs ripped off the ALDCâs waiting room number. Iâm sorry, but this is so scripted. This group of ladies couldnât find their way out of wet paper bag, so there is no way they guessed Jeanetteâs group routine based on that inference. Speaking of, the BDA is working on their version of The Waiting Room. Jeanette reminds her dancers that Abby didnât have that connection with the story, but she does. She tearily recalls her sisterâs car accident while declaring that Abby has no clue about what itâs like to roam a hospital waiting room. Thatâs low, and I canât flippinâ stand Abby.Â
Did I mention that JoJo only has five minutes of air inside the bubble in which sheâs dancing? There is a lot of zipping and unzipping, and Abby proclaims that itâs horrible. Only Holly seems concerned about JoJoâs lack of oxygen while playing in a human hamster ball. The next day, the ALDC walks into the seasonâs first competition with a warm welcome. Jeanette starts off the day baiting the ALDC moms who are quick to bite. Rise above, ladies. Oh waitâŠI forgot what I was watching. Maddie is glad to be back with her team, but sheâs sad sheâs not competing. She regales her friends with the wonders of movie making and skilled actors while silently wondering why Brynn is dancing in her place. Maddie, you are doing so much better for yourself and career far, far away from this mess. I hope this is the last season for your contract so you can stop making the required appearances.
Gavin is the first to perform, and heâs one talented little dude. If dance doesnât work out for him, I feel like when heâs older, heâd be the perfect SUR server. Brynn follows, and while amazing, she doesnât have that Maddie quality. Her lines are perfect, but there is just something about Maddie that makes her dancing mesmerizing. Abby finds her to be phenomenal, but she isnât sure Brynnâs performance is enough to beat Gavin. As the ALDC and BDA prep for the group routine, the mothers are in rare form. Nia questions the protocol if they canât free JoJo from her plastic tomb. Abby declares they just need to scream fire so people come running. Um, I think when people hear âfireâ they run in the opposite direction, but thatâs just me. đ The girls roll JoJo onto the stage, complete with their surgery masks. Itâs an impressive visual for sure. The dance is amazing, and JoJo rocks her bubble as I have a mild panic attack about her confinement. It was phenomenal.
As Jeanetteâs mothers scramble to get their props on stage, Abby complains to the judges that they are spending too much time organizing. The head judge disqualifies Jeanetteâs group for taking too long and the crowd chants to âlet them dance.â As a compromise, their group routine will have an automatic points deduction. Score one for evil Abby, subtract a few for Jeanetteâs poor copycat dance. Itâs great, but I canât remember the ALDCâs waiting room routine to compare apples to apples. At the awards cermony, Brynn bests Gavin, winning first in the teen solo division to his second. Likewise, Jeanetteâs Waiting Room is ousted by the ALDCâs victorious bubble dance. Backstage, Abby chastises Kendall with backhanded compliments about her recent behavior (sheâs too beautiful to throw tantrums) before reminding her team that they are only as good as their last dance. If they want to reach anywhere near Maddieâs stardom, they had better learn how to take criticism. A teary Melissa beams with pride as Abby joins in the cryfest over Maddieâs success. Abby then changes her mood, claiming she feels like sheâs being chained down to this group. Um, what?Â
TELL US â WHAT DID YOU THINK OF LAST NIGHTâS PREMIERE OF DANCE MOMS? IS IT ONLY GETTING WORSE? (YES, IS THE ANSWER)
[Photo Credit: Lifetime]