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Lil’ Kim Refuses To Appear With Andy Cohen

This incident gets my vote for one of the strangest things to happen in celebrity news in 2019 this far.  Along with Kanye West starting a church and basically everything Lindsay Lohan posts on Instagram.

Just so y’all don’t waste a bunch of time Googling “Lil’ Kim” like I just did, let me fill you in on the basics.  Lil’ Kim is a rapper, model, and actress.  She also appeared on Dancing With the Stars in 2009.  Apparently, she enjoyed her reality television stint because she is currently making the rounds to promote a reality TV show that she produced and stars in.  The show is called Girls Cruise and it airs on VH1.  Girls Cruise will feature Lil’ Kim and several of her besties traveling together on a cruise.  I will watch a LOT of terrible TV, but this one is a gets a hard pass from me.

Camille Grammer Says That Kelsey Grammer Did Not Contact Her When Her Home Burned Down

When I sat down to write this post, I decided to refresh my recollection regarding the messy divorce between Camille Meyer (f/k/a Camille Grammer) and Kelsey Grammer.  First of all, Camille filed for divorce in 2010.  I remember watching an episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills in which Camille and Kelsey awkwardly rode to the Tony Awards together.  They were in the back of a limo.  Camille was wearing a red dress and looked amazing.  Kelsey was mean to her.  Soon after it came out that Kelsey was having an affair.

Anyway, to bring this story back to the really important point: how it relates to me…  That episode aired 2009/10-ish?  Which means I have wasted at least ten years of my life watching this drivel.  Forget the Tony that Kelsey was speeding towards in the back of that limo a decade-ish ago!  I deserve some sort of lifetime achievement award from Bravo.  I will accept my award in the form of Skinnygirl products.

Brittany Cartwright

As we all know, Brittany Cartwright and Jax Taylor got hitched last weekend in a Kentucky castle.  The castle in which the wedding was held is reminiscent of Windsor Castle.  You know, except for the storied history and actual royalty.  Kentucky is the new London, y’all.

Brittany wore a tear-away gown.  Seriously, it had a bunch of layers and she could peel them off at various points during the festivities. So she basically dressed like a stripper.  For.  Her.  Wedding.  For the actual ceremony, the dress had a long train.  The train come off for a shorter dress, I’m guessing for the dancing portion of the evening,  and the sleeves came off to reveal a strapless number.  While the dress was a strange choice, she looked stunning in all versions of it.

Ashley Darby of Real Housewives of Patomoc Is a Mom

Ashley Darby’s marriage to Michael Darby has not always been an easy one.  They have clashed over Ashley’s financial support of her mother, whether to have children, and their restaurant, Oz.  RIP, Oz.  I’m pretty sure I remember that Oz had kangaroo meat on the menu at one point.  So, its closing isn’t exactly shocking.  Know your intended clientele, Ash.

Viewers have watched Ashley and Michael struggle to communicate.  At one point, Ashley expressed that their 29-year age gap may have contributed to their communication issues.  Ashley and Michael seemed to have worked through some of their communication issues at least long enough for Ashley to get knocked up.  After suffering a miscarriage last year, Ashley and Michael announced earlier this summer that they were expecting a baby boy.

Jenelle Evans Wins Back Custody Of Her Kids

Jenelle Evans, formerly of Teen Mom 2, is a hot mess.  Her husband, David Eason, also formerly of Teen Mom 2, scares me.  If he is not in prison by this time next year, it is only because he is hiding from the police in a hidden bunker on the Eason family compound (aka “The Land”).

A couple of months ago, David shot and killed the family dog, Nugget, leading to Jenelle’s termination.  According to David, he had to shoot Nugget because Nugget snapped at the couple’s two-year-old daughter, Ensley.  I’m telling y’all, that’s the logic of someone with a hidden bunker on his property.   Following the incident, child protective services removed Jenelle’s three children from The Land.

It’s Official! Vicki Demoted To “Friend Of”

Guys!  The new trailer for Real Housewives of Orange County is here!  And, in important news, the trailer did not include a single mention of Shannon Beador’s weightVicki Gunvalson’s love tank, or any faux diseases of any kind.

The past few seasons of the RHOC have been really, really boring.  But maybe,  like Tamra Judge’s ass right before a fitness competition,  the flagship series has shaped up.

Report: Lance Bass to Officiate Jax and Brittany’s Wedding

This weekend is the big day.  The wedding that literally no one thinks is a good idea. That’s right, y’all, in approximately 24 hours, Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright will be marching down the aisle towards the strategically-placed cameras wedded bliss.  Prediction: Jax will sleep with at least one member of the bridal party in a bathroom at the reception.  I mean, he’s already slept with most of them, what’s one more?

Corrected prediction:  Jax will have a threesome with at least one member of the bridal party (my money’s on Kristen Doute, she’ll basically sleep with anyone) and a member of the catering staff during the cocktail hour.  After all,  if Jax will jump in the sack with a co-worker mere steps away from said co-worker’s aged and dying employer, he will pretty much do it any time, anywhere!

NeNe Leakes

NeNe Leakes is having a tough year.  Her husband, Gregg Leakes, was battling cancer.  And battling NeNe.  Also battling NeNe?  The majority of the Real Housewives of Atlanta cast and some of the crew.  But don’t feel sorry for NeNe, the majority of her battles are of her own making.  NeNe threatened to “f*uck up” a cameraman.  She physically assaulted Porsha Williams and another crew member in a closet. NeNe denounced her friendship with Cynthia Bailey. She fat-shamed Porsha approximately 6.2 seconds after Porsha expelled a human from her body.

Despite NeNe’s distasteful-bordering-on-criminal behavior, rumors have been swirling that she will receive a raise for appearing on RHOA Season 12.  In fact, word on the (Peachtree) street is that the entire cast has received raises.  It’s a good thing Ms. Leakes is a rich bitch, because it looks like she may not benefit from the alleged salary-hike.  It looks like Season 12 of RHOA is filming without her!