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John Janssen

Real Housewives of Orange County Braunwyn Windham-Burke

This is it! We made it to the season finale of The Real Housewives of Orange County! It came suddenly. Yet it took forever to get here. What a strange, strange season this has been. It’s worth noting before diving into the drama that, clocking in at just 14 episodes (and assuming there’s no Secrets Revealed episode after the two-part reunion), this is the shortest season in RHOC history since Season 4. That was back in 2008. During the earliest days of Tamra Judge pointing her finger across the table at Javier’s and accusing Gretchen Rossi of going to Bass Lake.

It’s also only one episode longer than the freshman season of RHOSLC that’s also airing right now. Blame it on the pandemic. Or on the First Ladies of Bravo showing their age after 15 years. Or some combination of both. But it’s truly unprecedented for a flagship show that has regularly delivered 20+ episodes per season for the last decade. And is it just me, or did it sort of feels like production just…decided to wrap things up? Was it the worst season in Housewives history? That’s to be decided. But was it one of the weakest? Almost certainly.

Shannon Beador Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Hmm. For the penultimate episode of the season, this week’s Real Housewives of Orange County sure felt strange. And honestly, I have to admit it feels quite odd to be recapping tonight given the chaos that’s happened in Washington D.C. today. Over the last 15 years, the Housewives franchise has often provided a much-needed dose of escapism from the horrors and headlines of real life. Tonight in the O.C., however, provided no such relief from the reality of a mob storming the Capitol in an attempt to overthrow the democratic process. But alas, here we are. And the recapping must go on…

I think my biggest issue with this episode of Real Housewives of Orange County is that it really just boiled down to a series of one-on-one conversations. Because of coronavirus restrictions, the women haven’t been able to congregate together since the trip to Lake Arrowhead. And really, they haven’t all been together since before the pandemic shut down production. Right? Since the cast trip to Palm Springs? So basically they’re left to talk in pairs, or film with their kids, siblings and significant others. None of which is particularly interesting on its own without a main storyline driving the narrative.

Real Housewives of Orange County Elizabeth Lyn Vargas

Tonight on The Real Housewives of Orange County, we finally met the real Elizabeth Lyn Vargas. No more half-truths. No more gag orders. And no more hiding behind claims of being the “richest bitch in Newport.” No, this week, the newbie laid bare her past and a lifetime of hidden trauma for the Bravo cameras. And if I do say so myself, the whole thing was pretty dang riveting. (But maybe that’s just because I have a deep, deep fascination with cults?)

That’s right, Elizabeth grew up in a cult. Which she revealed to Braunwyn Windham-Burke last week on a walking path in Lake Arrowhead. All before promptly breaking down into a full-blown panic attack on said walking path. Which, can you blame her? Surely, sharing such a deep and painful secret was not exactly what she had in mind when joining a show about, well, being one of the richest bitches in Newport.

Real Housewives of Orange County Elizabeth Lyn Vargas

The Real Housewives of Orange County sure are squeezing as much out of this Lake Arrowhead trip as they can, huh? In no year other than 2020 would a non-international cast trip featuring only four of the ‘Wives get stretched out for three episodes. Just imagine the quick Season 6 jaunt to San Antonio lasting that long. Because Lake Arrowhead is basically the equivalent of that, just with fewer Gretchen Christine Beaute handbags.

This trip has thrown Braunwyn Windham-Burke for a loop. She calls her BFF Shari from her hotel room to vent about the “anti-Braunwyn campaign” the other ‘Wives seem to be on. And sure, you can argue that Braunwyn is being paranoid. Except that at that very moment, plenty of anti-Braunwyn gossip is being thrown around the house by her cast mates. Kelly Dodd calls her a “Debbie downer.” Gina Kirschenheiter says she came in “nervous and aggressive.” So is she really that wrong that an anti-Braunwyn campaign is happening?

Real Housewives Of Orange County Emily Simpson

What’s the best way of escaping the horrors of a global pandemic ravaging the entire planet? Why, going on a vacation, of course! So this week, the Real Housewives of Orange County pack up and head off to Lake Arrowhead for a much-needed girls’ trip full of bonding, face masks and arguing over whether Black lives matter! (Which, they absolutely do, for the record.) Well, not all the ‘Wives. Because for some, the coronavirus had already caught up before they could make their getaway to the lake.

Last week’s Real Housewives of Orange County ended with the news that one of Shannon Beador‘s twins had tested positive for coronavirus. Which obviously sent the veteran ‘Wife into a full-blown panic lockdown. And now, Emily Simpson can’t go on the cast trip either because she too has tested positive. Her symptoms are mild — she doesn’t even have a fever — and she can’t pinpoint where she caught it, but she’ll be quarantined with her family until further notice.

Real Housewives Of Orange County

Welcome back to The Real Housewives of Orange County. Where, in case you missed it, the apocalypse has happened. After weeks of encroaching panic, the coronavirus has descended upon the OC. Production has been shut down indefinitely. The ‘Wives are all in isolation and have resorted to documenting their lives in quarantine via iPhone. It’s scary. It’s more than a little triggering to watch play back nine months after we all just lived through it. But it’s also a fascinating experiment in keeping the cameras rolling during a truly unprecedented time in history.

Unsurprisingly, all of the women are handling the pandemic differently. Braunwyn Windham-Burke has gone digital with her sobriety journey by attending AA meetings online. Elizabeth Lyn Vargas is focused on helping animals while spreading ridiculous conspiracy theories on her social media. Shannon Beador has forced her family into full lockdown mode. And Kelly Dodd is busy giving a giant middle finger to lockdown protocols altogether, jetting off to New York City to visit her boyfriend.

Real Housewives Of Orange County Braunwyn Windham-Burke Son Jacob Windham-Burke

For a filler episode, this week’s Real Housewives of Orange County was quite the roller coaster, wasn’t it? There was a heartwarming high. There were low-budget lows. And then right at the end, was the lowest low of all. Personally, over the course of the episode I went from getting choked up. To being weirded out. To being completely shocked, emotionally triggered and happily surprised at the return of a familiar face. And finally, to feeling physically sick to my stomach by the final scene. For a Housewives season many fans are choosing not to watch, this year in the OC is certainly delivering all kinds of emotions so far. And we haven’t even reached the earth-shattering outbreak of a global pandemic!

Let’s just start with the low-budget low, shall we? The episode kicks off with Emily Simpson FaceTiming Gina Kirschenheiter to rehash last week’s drama. Which would be a totally ordinary thing to do in the world of Housewives if Gina weren’t busy shopping at…Walmart. Now listen. I’m not saying shopping at Walmart is sad and depressing the way some ‘Wives might. But it’s normal. Which is precisely what I don’t want from a Housewives show. Give me luxury! Give me wealth! At the very least, give me Trader Joe’s. I mean. Can you imagine Heather Dubrow deigning to shop at Walmart during her five seasons on the show? I didn’t think so. Gina getting caught shopping at Walmart on camera just goes to show how far this show has fallen from its glory days.

Braunwyn Windham-Burke Real Housewives of Orange County

Who knew a housewarming party could drag on for so long? I mean, seriously though. This episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County revolves almost entirely around last week’s drama at Shannon Beador‘s party and its immediate aftermath. Hence the foreboding title of the episode: “The Aftershock.” And if last week’s glass throwing by Braunwyn Windham-Burke was the splash heard ’round the OC, this week is the aftershock heard round…what exactly? Well, at least around the Porch Streets of Newport Beach. Which are, you know, all within walking distance of one another.

Cut back to Shannon‘s rented suburban dream home. Braunwyn has just stormed out in the wake of her argument with Gina Kirschenheiter. The rest of the ‘Wives are positively scandalized by the lone, unbroken glass sitting at the bottom of Shannon’s pool. It’s almost as if they never watched Tamra Judge throw red wine in Jeana Keough‘s face back in the Season 6 finale. Oh right, none of them did. Because none of the women in this cast were on the show back at the very start of the Real Housewives of Orange County glory days.