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It’s just four days until the fantasy nuptials of the future Mr. and Mrs. Kroy Biermann.  As the time runs out, drama amps up…but it’s no longer mama drama on Don’t Be Tardy for the WeddingJen has become the MOH who is MIA.

Just like with every episode, the show begins with Kim Zolciak talking to the adorbs K.J. She is complaining to him about how lax her matron-of-honor Jen is being, and he is just giggling away in his Spiderman hoodie.  Kim can’t dwell on slack attendants for long, she has tent issues to worry about.  Severe tent issues that drive her to drink white zinfandel before lunchtime.  Kim has visions of covering the pool and and getting hitched under a gazebo which will sit atop the jacuzzi.  She never ever ever ever had dreams of a tent in her backyard to shield guests from potential bad weather.

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Kim relays this problem to wedding planner/Cowie assistant Alexis, whose crew is constructing the said tent.  Alexis tries to placate Kim, but her face is screaming, “No amount of Bravo publicity and screen time is worth this bridezilla!”  Kim yells for her assistant Sweetie Niki to do something.  Anything!  Niki says what Kim is thinking.  That tent is ON CRACK.  Poor Alexis doesn’t know what’s going on, but before she can say “wigging out” the tent is being taken down.  Kim is happy to eat the $15,000 it cost to reserve it, as long as she doesn’t have to wed under it. If only Jen were here…Kim would have yet another person to hear her bitching.

In the next scene, we learn that Kim doesn’t have nasty gum drop sized nipples.  That was definitely on my “things I wonder about” list.  She is planning a wedding gift for Kroy, and she doesn’t want to do the typical, cheesy boudouir photo shoot.  She wants to something sexy.  I must have really prudish friends, because they all seemed to get cufflinks for their grooms-to-be.  Kim, on the other hand, is having Kroy’s jersey painted (yes, painted) on her naked body so she can take some classy pics to give her future hubby.  Hence why we need to know the size of Kim’s nips.

Jen arrives to the body paint session, and Kim is tired of hearing her jokes.  She is even less thrilled when Alexis calls to relay the news that the florist has backed out at the last minute.  Adding insult to injury, Jen takes a phone call midway through Kim’s rude florist rant and hits the road.  The nerve!  Kim can’t believe how much stress she’s forced to endure, but she must power through with the photo shoot.  I am beyond impressed that they glued a little jersey fabric to her hip so it looks like it’s knotted.  Oh details.  Her photographer is Derrick Blanks of the famed RHOA Alter Ego shoot.  Kim is so sexy she just says “Cheese.”  I love a great one-liner, a la KZB.

En route to her surprise bridal shower, Kim is blindfolded.  Kim is thrilled to be there, but she’s disappointed that Jen isn’t in attendance.  But guess who is?  Kandi Burrus is in the house!  Unfortunately Sheree is home sick.  Poor Kroy’s mom and sister have plastered on polite faces, but they almost slip up and show their disgust when Kim brandishes cell phone shots of her nekkid jersey pics.  Yes, that’s right.  She showed her sexy-time photos to the woman who birthed the groom.  Thankfully Mrs. Biermann refrains from fainting, but I am counting the minutes until she passes out cold in light of all of this lingerie and talk of Kim’s breastatas.  I hope someone has some smelling salts for the sweet lady when Kim opens up her gift from Kandi.  Kim seems to have a moment of clarity, and she refuses to open Kandi’s pandora’s box of sin and flavored lube (just a guess).  Her mother peeks into the bag and confirms it should not be opened anywhere near Mrs. Biermann.  I think I saw Sis Biermann roll her eyes.  The Montana contingent bestows upon Kim some apple butter made by the folks at the Methodist Church.  Surely she realizes it’s for the pantry and not the bedroom, right?

Kim takes Kandi aside to share her Matron of Honor woes.  She’s in tears at the fact that Kandi drove an hour and a half to attend the shower, but her best friend can’t even call.  Her feelings are very hurt understandably.  Kim wishes she had asked Kandi to be in the wedding party, but it would be great if she’s sing for the couple at the reception.  Um… That evening, Kroy gets a play-by-play of absentee Jen’s dysfunction.  Crying again, Kroy tries to comfort his blushing bride.  It’s not about planning parties or helping Colin Cowie–she wants to share this experience with her best friend.  There is a cute scene where Brielle and Ariana fight over K.J.  He truly is super presh.

The couple hits up a local arcade/go-kart facility with the entire bridal party.  All of Kroy’s groomsmen from Montana are in the ATL, and even Jen is kind enough to show for the fun.  Kim, of course, is too upset to speak to her friend so she asks Kroy to talk to her instead.  I’m seeing a slight pattern here.  Kim thanks assistant Niki for being such a huge help and support during the wedding planning.  Kroy confronts Jen, and every time she tries to defend herself, he kindly continues to talk over her.  He really is super polite when getting her point across.  Jen believes it would be best if she left.

Next week, Kim receives a tear-inducing text from Jen, and she (gasp!) reveals HER REAL HAIR!!! Is it next Thursday yet???

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF LAST NIGHT’S EPISODE?  WHY IS JEN BEING SUCH A BAD BRIDESMAID?  HOW EXCITED ARE YOU TO SEE KIM’S REAL HAIR?

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