On finding out she was pregnant again at forty-one: “Because my first pregnancy had been complicated, and because I was over 40, the doctor told me that I was “high risk” and needed to take it easy. So I took it so easy. I had to. I was still bleeding, and I was nauseated and uncomfortable—‘way worse than last time,’ I said to Jason. I felt seven months pregnant even though I was six weeks along. And because we hadn’t planned this, I felt unprepared, like we had so much to do to get ready for this baby. Still, I was excited, if cautiously so, with the words high risk ringing in my ears.”
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On blaming herself once she found out about the miscarriage: “I got dressed, we met the doctor in his office, and I launched into it. “Is it because I’m busy? My lifestyle? Is this my fault?” I asked. “Absolutely not, absolutely not,” he replied before I could dump all my neuroses on his desk. “You’re 41. You had bleeding. There’s nothing you could have done.” And I hadn’t done anything. Since I’d found out, I’d been lying down for an hour or two every day and lettings others take up the slack. But I blamed myself—of course I did.”
On what she felt while sitting in the waiting room: “You look at other couples and feel bad for them, because they’re either there for the same reason you are, or they’re electing to have an abortion—those are the two options. Jason and I lay down on this little bed together, and he waited with me. When the procedure was done, we left, and Jason said, ‘Do you want me to go get something to eat?’ And I said, ‘All right. I guess we’re going to go eat now.’”
On learning that it would have been a girl: “Then, 10 days later, my doctor called to give me the results of some tests that he had run. I was in Los Angeles, getting my makeup done—because everything happens to me when I’m in the makeup chair—for an appearance on Ellen. I had the phone to my ear, and he told me that the tests came back as ‘female fetus, normal.’ He was reading off a chart, reassuring me that there wasn’t some chromosomal abnormality. But all I heard was ‘female,’ and I fell to pieces. I was picturing Bryn with a little sister. Two little girls in rain boots.”
On having mixed emotions about the miscarriage: “Afterward, I went through a range of emotions. There was something so sad about it—that there had been a life there, and then suddenly it was not there. There was also, I have to admit, a bit of relief that I wouldn’t be starting my new TV job seven months pregnant. And then there was immense guilt at the relief.”
On dealing the possibility of having a second child: “I know that Jason wants another child, but we got married when I was in my late thirties. There are a lot of things he gets by being with me—adventure, excitement, passion. But he doesn’t get the two kids. Or maybe he will. People ask me, ‘Are you going to have another baby?’ and I get a little angry. I know my shtick is being an open book, but when you ask a woman in her forties that question, it’s not always her choice. I’m healthy and could try again. But I don’t want to be a ‘trying’ person. If it’s meant to be, it will happen.”
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Photo Credit: Glamour Magazine