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Last week on MTV‘s Teen Mom, we saw Catelynn Lowell and Tyler Baltierra graduate, Maci Bookout invite herself on the Edward’s family vacation with Bentley, Farrah Abraham adopt a puppy, and Amber Portwood and Gary Shirley contemplate the future of their relationship.

It was mind numbing – at best.

This week must be the Teen Mom beach special.  With the exception of Catelynn and Tyler, who are busy caring for their new bundle of joy, all of the crazy kids, plus adult Farrah, are at the beach.

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Catelynn and Tyler Have a New Baby 

Catelynn Lowell and Tyler Baltierra have a new baby to take care of this week.  The bouncing baby boy is 61 inches long, 185 pounds, 2 ounces, and answers to Butch. Yup, that’s right.  Daddy dearest is on break from jail and moving in with Tyler and Catelynn.  Tyler reminds Butch of the list of rules they wrote the last time Daddy dearest crashed their pad.  Added to this year’s list – cut off that dreadful mullet.

Butch blasts in, “Can I hang out?”  He calls Catelynn “High School graduated girl.”  He looks at pictures of his wife since he legally cannot see her in person.  Great times were had by all… until Butch misses his curfew.

Tyler sits on the couch, anxiously checking the time and complaining about having to babysit his own father.  Tyler is hardcore.  He locks the door just before midnight and goes to bed.  Butch comes back as cool and happy as a cucumber.  Tyler is like, dude, what the hell?  Butch is like, dude, you noticed I was gone?  That’s rad.

Turns out, Butch ran into some Jims and some Joes.  You know how that goes.  No big deal, he won’t let it happen ever again.  He promises.

Maci Crashes Ryan’s Vacation

Wearing the dumbest out of place black hat ever, Maci Bookout is in Florida.  She invited herself to join Ryan Edwards and his family on vacation with Bentley.  Maci spends most of the time dwelling on Ryan and his new girlfriend Dalis Connell.

Ryan <big yawn> decides to <big yawn> call Maci to invite her <big yawn> to spend time with Bentley on the beach.  Maci brings her entire posse to the beach with her. She must make her presence known.  Florida, Ryan, Dalis – take note – Maci has arrived.  <big yawn>

In a surprising turn of events, Bentley couldn’t care less that Maci is there.  Ryan tries to give Maci her time alone with Bentley (he should make a power point presentation for Maci on how to do this), but Bentley starts crying.  He calls out for his Daddy.  He’s very sad.  Bentley tells Maci, “Go away!  Go away!”

I do respect Maci for having enough sense to not force it.  She willingly takes Bentley back to Ryan.  But not before Bentley pisses on her.  Best. scene. ever.

Ryan, Maci, and Bentley pose for a family photo the next day.  Dalis comes to the beach with Ryan but stays out of the way.  Maci invites Ryan and Dalis to go clubbing later that night.  Dalis is all for it. Ryan looks like he wants to die. In the end, the couple declines Maci’s self-serving invitation.  One of Ryan’s friends thinks Maci is still in love with Ryan.  It’s painfully obvious to everyone but Maci.

Farrah Turns 20

Not only is one of Farrah’s neighbors stupid enough to leave his dog in her care, he also willingly takes Farrah Abraham on two dates!  Farrah calls her sister to tell her about the new guy Adam.  She says, and I quote, “I met this really cool neighbor of mine.  He has a dog, so I think I kind of like him.”

Farrah is setting her standards high down there in Florida.

Adam and Farrah first go hit golf balls.  Only two things of importance here.  One, we get to see (up close and personal) what kind of boobs MTV’s money can buy.  Two, Farrah’s sister hit Farrah in the head with a gold club when she was little… which suddenly brings that is Farrah to a whole new light.

The next day is Farrah’s 20th birthday.  Farrah and Sophia go to the Miami Zoo during the day.  Farrah and Adam go out to dinner at night.  Farrah is condescending and bitchy to Adam the whole time.  She tells him he couldn’t possibly understand her, because she has a child.  He suggests she relax a little bit.  She tells him she has too much responsibility to relax, because she has a child.  She is SO RUDE.

Back at her apartment, Farrah calls her sister to tell her she’s over the man with the dog.  ”He wasn’t working out,” she says.  He likes to relax.  She’s horrified.  She has too much responsibility to relax.  She’s so much more mature than him.

Meanwhile, Farrah’s responsibility is locked in her bedroom.

Amber and Gary – Going steady?

Amber Portwood has been in rehab for one month now.  She’s so very tired.  She’s so tired that she can barely keep both of her eyes open at the same time.  Her left eye barely opens at all in the entire first scene with JJ.  I’m no expert, but I doubt this cushy on the beach rehab’s ability to keep Amber sober.

Amber is anxiously waiting for Leah and Gary.  JJ gets a call from a lawyer, telling him that Leah, Gary, and Amber are not allowed in the same room together after all.  Gary must have misunderstood the rules.  JJ breaks the news to Amber, and she’s very quick to blame Gary and suggest he lied.

Amber first spends some time with Leah.

Then Amber and Gary sit down to talk to JJ.  How anyone can take JJ seriously while he’s wearing banana yellow pants, I have no idea.  JJ says to Gary, “Knowing that Amber is sober…” and I miss the rest of the interview because I cannot stop laughing.

Gary and Amber vow to communicate better, be honest, be respectful, and respect the commitment they’ve made to the other.  Gary tells Amber that he loves her with all of his heart, but he’s scared she’ll get mad, break up with him, and see other guys.

An almost cured but not quite yet Amber slurs some nasty words at Gary and storms off.  Seasons Recovery Center, you cannot handle the challenge that is Amber.

Amber eventually returns to the counseling session.  Naturally, she asks Gary if he wants to go steady.

What. a. mess.

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