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Oh, lawd. Well, it's happening… I'm being held hostage and forced to write recaps of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. I oughta just call these recaps: Memories Of The Mountain State: The Reality TV Homecoming Of Mary McClelland. 

So last night baby Kaitlyn nearly came out of Anna's biscuit before she was done bakin' or bacon depending on who you ask: Mama or Honey Boo Boo

Seventeen-year-old Anna started having contractions at 34 weeks and said they made her vajayjay hurt. Girl, I have got to tell you – THAT is called pregnancy. So they called 9-1-1 and raced Anna to the hospital in an am'blance. Seriously. Did the pageant mobile not have gas in it? Did Honey put spray tan in the tank? Mama yells at her not to push. 

At the hospital Anna is disappointed she is in pain and has stuff on her stomach. Well, stuff comin' out of yer coochie is what having a baby is like, Anna. It hurts a lot more comin out than it does goin' in, girl! The doctors send Anna home and she's on strict bedrest. No baby Kaitlyn yet – Mama is relieved because taking care of a premie is a lot of work. Honey Boo Boo pokes at Anna repeatedly to make sure she's not pushing out a bacon. All clear. 

CLICK CONTINUE READING FOR THE REST! 

Pumpkin tells us Anna almost had the baby on her bed and she woudda puzshhed 'er back in. Alana tells us babies smell like poop and she doesn't wanna smell poop, but she does want thousands and thousands of little pageant monsters. Well, maybe 39, 33, 37, 32, 44, 30… Honey lost track counting from 39-30. Little girl, don't let the glitter eat your brain. 

Honey Boo Boo also tells us that when her stomach hurts it's usually gas from too many chicken nuggets. Speaking of that the family does a weigh-in. Pumpkin has gained 6 lbs in one week and is tipping the scale at 175. And she's twelve. Her goal is to break 200 by the end of the summer. At least that's good birth control! She wants to do that and get her butt hole pierced. Is that possible? 

After they wipe a booger off the scale they take turns getting weighed. Mama hops on the scale and it takes forever to determine that she weighs a WHOPPING 307 lbs! Holy crap! Mama is taking this Mrs. Potato Head imitation a little too far. Mama is kinda proud of herself because she lost 1.7lbs. "It iz a start." 

Jessica has lost 3lbs and is excited to loser her "vajiggle" Mama decides they can all go to the water park because they have all done tried so hard. Immediately after weigh in, Pumpkin hits the fridge and starts eating cream cheese out of the carton. Girl is really serious about this goal!

Honey Boo Boo straps on her "chunky lemon" coat so she don't drown and they hit the water park. Isn't she pretty, y'all! Mama floats down the fat people river in a bright grape colored one-piece and gets her vajiggle jiggle stuck in the inner tube. Assistance at the lazy river, y'all!

Mama is also wearing socks that barely fit. Apparently has a "forklift foot." Years ago she got her foot run over by a forklift and now she always wears socks. The girls beg her to show us. Why. I didn't look. Did you? The girls all tell her it's disgusting. 

Next they hop on the twisty slide and Mama requires a two-person inner tube and two assistants to get her vajiggle jiggle started. She whoops it up all the way down and hits the water where she promptly sinks. "Tidal wave!" the girls bellow from the side-lines. Oh lawd.

I pray to Jesus Mama doesn't try the "big slide." Full disclosure: My uncle got his vajiggle jiggle stuck in one of them once. Pumpkin says seeing Forklift Foot was the best part of the day. They've never seen it before?! Mama tells us she doesn't think she's the only person that's ever happened to. Unfortunately, I know others… 

At home, the train keeps on rolling by while Honey Boo Boo styles Mama for Rockstar pageant weekend. Another full disclosure: My parents live that close to train tracks. 

Mama starts Honey Boo Boo getting her poop in a can spray tan ready. They squirt it in her belly button and let it trickle down her vajiggle and then roll it on with a paint roller. Honey Boo Boo reminds Mama to get it under her belly too. Oh, sweet Baby Jesus… I am having horrible flashbacks and they are making me dizzy and disoriented. 

Honey practices her routine – complete with fart – in her underwear while her tan dries. "I gotta go take a poop," she says and scurries off. The all head to the pageant except Anna who hopefully won't have baby Kaitlyn in her bed while everyone is shakin' their sequins at the Rockstar Diva pageant. Hopefully Anna won't confuse labor for gas again… 

Honey Boo Boo is convinced she's gonna win the big title. They lace Honey into her dress by cranking a lawnmower and her skirt falls off. Mama is not impressed. She wants Honey to be on time. Honey takes this opportunity to dance to a song in her head. She sways back and forth waving her hands over her head like a sycamore in a thunderstorm. Pumpkin sneezes. 

As Honey takes the stage for Full Glitz, Team Honey (all donning shirts) stand up. Mama hops up front to coach Smoochie to be sassy! Honey says Mama is distractin' and she can be sassy without Mama's help. Next up is the Rockstar portion of the pageant. Honey is dressed up as Elvis in a white sparkly jumpsuit. 

She plans to do her stinky fart face to channel the King's sneer. Honey gives us a montage of her favorite fart sounds. Hopefully she won't stink up the stage. Just the opposite. Honey owns it. She is sassy and in control. Mama and Pumpkin demo the dance for the sidelines vajiggling all the way. The routine was absolutely adorable. All the other parents in the audience – all sixteen of them –  loved it.

During award, Honey fully expects to win cause she brought her A-game. Mama awaits the results with her worried/annoyed/happy/concerned/confused/amused/angry/anxious expression. Honey wins in her age group. Mama cheers. Mama gets a new expression. Honey is real glad – she's gonna practice more. She is excited by the "light up thing" in her goody bag. Even Sugar Bear is impressed – he thinks Honey can take this pageant thing "real far."

Unfortunately Honey does not win Ultimate Grand Supreme. Honey takes the disappointment hard and sits down on stage to sulk. Pumpkin lays down on the floor in the audience with her hands over her eyes. Honey decides she's gonna practice, like, a lot alot so next time she can win. 

TELL US – THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE? DID YOU LOOK AT 'FORKLIFT FOOT'? SHOULD HONEY HAVE WON ULTIMATE GRAND SUPREME?

 

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