Last night was the second part of the Real Housewives of New York reunion. While we weren't treated to family feuds of epic proportions (thank the good lord) we were treated to pirate scandals, bootylicious lovin, toaster ovens, and daddy drama. Oh and a few alcoholic accusations. All in all it was a good show and the ladies played their parts well. 

First off LuAnn de Lesseps is in the hotseat over her affairs of the piratekind. Toe-mah or Thomas depending on when the put-on airs slip, was merely a ride home and a late-night cocktail partner. Here's her story: LuAnn alleges that she did stay late at the club partying with her "Italian friends" but then Tomas offered her a ride home under the pretenses of seeing the villa. Was he drinking? I'm confused that she would go home with someone who had been drinking. 

She DID go into Heather Thomson's room around 3am and wake her up, inviting her to have a drink with she and Tomas. Heather was like bitch I need my beauty rest. LuAnn insists nothing happened, it all looked bad, and she lied to spare the wrath and prying accusations of Pinot Singer. THAT is about the only part of the story I fully believe. 


LuAnn confessed that all of it – namely the lying – caused problems with Jacques and that they uncomfortably watched the St. Barth's episode together. The two are very much together and happy. Andy Cohen pipes up that they invited Jacques to be on the reunion, but he declined. I have to say that makes me respect him more. 

There's a lot of squabbling about why LuAnn lied and how Tomas also lied since he had been to the house several times before RHONY's trip there. Something about LuAnn's delivery was very rushed and nervous, as if she had rehearsed all her talking points – and wanted to get it all in before anyone interrupted. She also apologized for lying. I sort of believe her and I think she is embarrassed by the whole incident.

LuAnn claims she told her friend in badly-rendered French to deny Tomas had been there because she panicked – and she completely forgot her mic was on. As for what she meant when she said "I'll never change" apparently she was referencing that she'll never stop partying and having fun. Whatever – can we be done with this storyline already? Talk about squeezing the last drops of wine out of the bag from box-o-pinot. 

As for why the planned cover-up, LuAnn cites not wanting her children to be affected by things that happen on the show. Carole Radziwill snipes "I'm not judging," but maybe don't do embarrassing things if you don't want your children to be embarrassed. Very fair point, although her comment that she wasn't judging, came right after she actually judged. Oh, irony… c'mon author girl you can define it. LuAnn is offended by that remark and calls Carole out for ragging on her constantly. LuLu can never win with ol'Bravo. 

Anyway, so that was that. Andy then decides to stir the pot by asking Pinot to qualify what she means by all her allegations about LuAnn's open relationships. Ramona snipes that LuAnn likes her men and that's that. And then LuAnn gets all shaky and dangerous. She coils around Sonja and her head darts forward like a viper. "Do you want blood, Ramona?" she hisses implying that she has some serious venom she'd like to inject into this situation. 'DO you,' she taunts? 

"No, I want Pinot instead.' Ramona quips, trying to play off like she has no idea to what LuAnn is referring. I would really, REALLY like to know what secrets LuAnn has on ol' Mona. LuAnn alleges she wasn't the only one "having fun" that night. There's been a lot of stories about how Ramona and Sonja Morgan's antics were too hot for TV during that trip. Do tell, LuAnn. DO tell. If you do, I'll buy your song! 

Heather seems relieved LuAnn has finally been upfront about the situation and is no longer hiding behind the Italian charade. Moving on. LuAnn apologies to Ramona for lying and admits dishonesty did not serve her well. That's a shocking admit for a RHW! 

Next Andy turns his wandering drama eye to Sonja. Poor Sonja. She's done mortified herself enough for 5 Real Housewives and now she's forced to relive it all via flashback! Reason 9000 why you keep your legs closed and your skirt pulled down on reality TV! 

Sonja confuses me. I mean sure she's a fun-loving girl who never turns down a party, but she's always taking it one step too far into the 'Ooooohhhhh… girl' category. 

Andy, of course, never one to resist an opportunity to mortify a Housewife immediately cuts to the chase and gets right down to booty. Sonja plays it off coolly and laughs about it. Sonja likens St. Barths to The Hangover weekend with hookers, cigars, and lots of scandalous entanglements. Apparently Aviva Drescher has never had a true girls trip. 

Sonja and Pinot also deny that they dip in the lady pond. 

And then we get to George. Ewwww… George. Aviva insists she wasn't trying to insult Sonja – or insinuate that she's a trashy ho – by setting her up with George. Sonja handled it classily. And I'm sort of impressed that both these women were able to have an actual discussion about the situation without it dissolving into a screaming match of combative insults. 

Of course, George's wayward erection in Miami which found contact with Sonja during an evening out is discussed since this show is all about backsides apparently. Aviva insists it never happened based on George's account. And Pinot pipes up to remind us that George is active taker of Horny Goat Weed. That stuff works? I thought it was a myth?

As for Aviva's "two sets of rules" regarding other's behavior and George's, Aviva says her father is 80 and she has to accept him as he is. Aviva also explains that when she was all bestie-bestie suck up to the veterans stage with Ramonja she found their antics cute, but soon she realized those antics were their regular, run-of-the-mill behavior and that is tres embarrasante so no longer were they charming but instead garish. 

I have to say, Ramonja was remarkably restrained during this segment. Did Andy drug them?

And then comes toastergate. Oh, who would have thought an invisible toaster oven wielded such omnipotent powers of ladies of Housewives. And who would have thought a debatably sexy letter, that letter being "j", would cause such turmoil and strife. And who would have thought the man with no head, the torso who only makes toast would have led to such drama. But alas this is Housewives and drama can be made out from of all things, burnt toast and oven mitts. Only on Housewives. 

So where is this toaster? Well, it's in Sonja's head, along with the mitts, the tongs, and the business plan. According to Sonja there is much debate over Heather's obligation to Sonja Home. Sonja wanted hangtags and other accessories to attach to her toaster oven accessories. A girl can never over accessorize her home appliances apparently. Sonja feels Heather gave her a box, a photo she didn't like of a headless man, and a font that looked generic. 

Heather thought she was just on board to provide a "brand umbrella" and believes she provided Sonja with a "creative campaign" that can be applied to all aspects of her business. That's what I thought too. Apparently things went awry over font, most specifically the letter J. One could say this segment was brought to you by the letter "Sexy J" and the Number "Free." 

Heather is appalled that Sonja is accusing her of not doing enough for toaster invisible. Then Sonja whips out some fonts and photos from a fan! Heather is furious. Andy just keeps repeating what I want to know: "Where is the toaster?" Sonja apparently wanted something she didn't convey to Heather and is now blaming Heather for not giving her what she wanted. Andy spells it out very slowly: Heather did all this free and you are being an unappreciative twat. Put. The. Sketches. From. Twitter. Away. 

Even LuAnn is like 'Sonja, the sketches? From a fan? Seriously?'  

Sonja chalks it up to her brand being too difficult to manage and that it was a lot of hard work Heather wasn't prepared for. Heather literally almost spontaneously combusted into Yummie Tummie bra particles as she snapped, "You wouldn't know hard work if if bit you in the ass." Sonja's ass is getting A LOT of attention this reunion. Put that thing away, girl. 

Apparently the lesson here: "You can't put Sonja in a box," but if you try to – one better be able to mind read.

From toasters to failed marriages, Sonja's settlement is reviewed along with the passing of her dog Millou. Sonja plans to sell her house in France to repay her $7M judgment and legal fees. She filed Chapter 11 in order to keep her house in NYC. Sonja's ex is speaking to her now. Well, that's a relief. I mean maybe?

I must say, Sonja is seeming remarkably composed and breezy this reunion about some of the things said about her. She's sort of acting like S3 Sonja who we all fell in love with. 

During the break we are treated to a delightful scene in which Ramona has apparently spent the entire reunion with effed up lipstick, Andy says she looks like a mental patient. Aaaaahhh… 

And finally, Aviva vs. Pinot is debriefed. Oh these two. What wars they had. What wars. We couldn't have written these exchanges better. All culminated with the alleged bullying in the form of friends who verbally abuse and octogenarians who don't know their cue to leave until escorted out by wait staff. 

Ramona recounts that Aviva has verbally abused her. Which is a joke. Ramona can hold her own, all while holding a glass of pinot and she was not "beat on repeatedly, repeatedly, repeatedly." Yes, Aviva said hideous things and was completely out of line. She was rude past the point of unsavory and frankly it was pretty appalling, but it was NOT verbal abuse. 

Aviva reveals that she felt betrayed by Ramona – and well who wouldn't tire of her self-absorbed behavior? Ramona seems like a person who lacks depth and self-evaluation; it's hard to have a relationship with a person like that. Which is no excuse for Aviva's behavior, of course. Aviva is still beyond appalled that George "trailer turd" ___________ was told to get out by trailer turd, herself. 

Ramona feels she was justified in throwing George out because he "f**ks twenty-year-olds." Although Ramona did ask George to leave initially, I do think it was ridiculous to have him escorted out of the event. At the root of Ramona's fury was the fact that George lied about this donation amount (Aviva claims he didn't know the value of the check) and of course the truly hilarious "trailer turd" comment. 

After all is said and done Aviva still feels she is owed some sorries from Pinot. Yeah, I don't know 'bout that! 

And then Andy turns his attentions to Ramona's pinot indulgence. First of all, Ramona and Sonja deny that they "partied hard" in St. Barths and Heather is immediately all over it, taking them to task and reminding them of what happens to those who lie – Right LuAnn? I love how Heather sets everyone straight with their lies! Heather is my RHONY hero!

Aviva explains that her comments about Ramonja's party-hardy ways stems from her mother's death resulting from alcoholism. Aviva apologies for judging and accusing them of being alcoholics. Well, that was nice – at least she apologized. 

And then Ramona turns towards Andy and her defenses are raised like fur. 'Andy,' she growls… 'I never drink too much. 18 glasses with dinner is a perfect normal amount. O.K. Just because my blood, sweat, and manufactured tears are pure pinot doesn't mean I'm an alcoholic. Pick on me for something real,' she hisses. 

Someone is VERY defensive about a "drinking problem" allegation. Everyone tries to play it off like they would never think Pinot has a drinking problem. Well, who am I to judge? HA!

Sonja's abuse of interns is discussed and apparently she needs them allll. Is she an intern hoarder? They write her blogs about putting her hair up and feed her spoonfuls of wine-slurpees. Aaaahhh… the life. 

As the reunion comes to a close, Andy enquires about Aviva's stint as a runaway bride. Before she married Harry Dubin, Aviva called off a different wedding a week before it was to take place. Pinot, proving that she is definitely NOT the recipient of verbal abuse, drops one her classic bombs: "Did he want you to sign a prenup?" she snipes. And way to end on a rude and uncouth note Pinot! Aviva invites her to check her facts and some passive aggressive warfare is raged. 

Pinot reveals she is "digesting" Aviva's apology – hopefully it won't give her diarrhea! Then she stands up, shakes out her pleather masterpiece of a dress, and announces she's ready to go. Pinot is calling her, she's tired of talking about other people, and this dress has given her heat rash. 

So there we have it the fifth season of RHONY has wrapped, the insults have been slung, the pinot bottles drained and thrown, and the lines of war firmly drawn. 

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