Last night on Real Housewives of Miami there were dueling psychics, dueling ladies in formal wear, and um… yeah just a lot of straight up unhappiness. If last week's episode was all the debauchery, hedonism, and human sacrifices of Ancient Rome, last night's episode was the aftermath of war.
It's the day of the annual Blacks Gala and everyone is quite positive no one's nipples will hang out, no one will be thrown into pool Dynasty style, and no one will be doing tequila shots or getting slapped in the face. Oh, no instead they'll be milling around in couture gowns and spending $14,000 bidding on an evening at the Playboy Mansion. The only thing Fembot Fakenstein's boobgerie slapfest has in common with the Black Gala is some of the attendees – and that includes Joe "Cameratime" Francis. Doesn't he have some checks to be writing to Steve Wynn? $40 Million of them to be exact.
In preparation for the gala, Lea Black is rushing around clutching a bright pink Birkin as if it's an extra appendage. A third arm that is merely a formality and is crap at the useful things like moving tables and directing quack psychics on how to turn glass into music and peace.
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Apparently Lea has hired Norman, a friendly energy healer with a very eclectic wardrobe to make sure all goes well at her Gala. And with all the issues still unresolved between Joanna Krupa and Adriana de Moura she isn't about to take any chances. She is wary of any Trojan Horses descending upon her walled city of celebrities and millionaires. No Firkins at her gala!
Speaking of Adriana, she heads over to Alexia Echevarria's house to ogle her massive shoe collection (color me jealous!) and fill her in on the fight. Oh what different tales people tell. Adriana maintains that she was peacefully discussing how unbelievably socially uncouth and annoying she is with Karent Sierra when Joanna burst over, verbally attacked her (Romain Zago in tow), then stalked her across the party until she snapped and slapped her. She shows off her battle scars. Alexia is shocked.
And over at Mama Elsa's house, Marysol Patton, wearing the tangeriniest of ensembles, regales her with a story of misbehavior so egregious Elsa flutters her fan rapidly to convey her disgust. Oh it was trashy, it was deranged. "All I could see was hair and hands and screaming," she exclaims. Marysol forgot one important item: nipples. That's all I could see – or rather the blurry outlines of them.
Mama Elsa and Marysol are headed over to Lea's house where she has invited Norman for a pre-gala Housewives cleansing ritual. Elsa has decided to wear a Pucci jumpsuit, a dead bird atop her head, and the entire inventory of beads by the pound for the momentous occasion of meeting a fellow psychic. They hop in Elsa's car (she drives!) forget to strap on their seatbelts and waft out into the road oblivious to the other vehicles that may also be attempting to navigate. Maybe Elsa is able to predict an accident will not occur and seatbelts are a mere formality compared to premonitions?
Over at Lea's she receives a call from Adriana informing her she isn't attending because she has no interest in facing Joanna yet. And that's not the only bad news. Shortly before everyone is due to arrive Lea's adorable little Min Pin collapses on the rug and cannot get up. Lea becomes hysterical. She calls the vet, sobbing, and dispatches Roy to drive their little dog there. When Elsa and Marysol show up Lea pretty much collapses into Elsa's arms over her dog. Marysol is shocked since she's never seen Lea so emotional about anything.
Alas, the show must go on. Lea pulls it together and the other women begin to arrive. Joanna accosts Lea to provide her version of lingerie slapdown events. Unbeknownst to Lea it was Adriana who struck Joanna first and Lea is alarmed. She apparently didn't know who hit whom and in what order. Joanna insists she saw evil and it was the devil striking her in the face. 'I seen the devil and I seen the devil's nipples too!'
Norman sets up his water bowls and gets out his mortar to spin over the rims while he oooohs and aaaahs and practices off-key music scales. Everyone sits there waiting for something to happen and then he instructs them to come up one-by-one and receive their predictions.
Elsa is skeptical. She keeps hissing behind her fan that Norman is a fraud as she tells each of the women she'll give them real readings. I'm a little nervous about these two coming face-to-face. Norman vs. Elsa: Who's the most psychic of them all? I'm worried it will be like Once Upon A Time and worlds will collide and all the sudden the sky will come crashing down and waves 15 feet tall will approach the house, covering Star Island with such enormous energy things will explode. Like when She-Rah and HeMan meet! Bolts of lightening and star bursts!
Instead Elsa asks Norman to dance. It was more awkward than 7th grade Homecoming. They dance around each other and hold hands and stare into each other's eyes and tilt their heads, hug and then say thank you and sit down. Psychic-on-psychic action is very weird. Everyone awkwardly tries not to look and decides it might just be time to leave.
As the ladies get ready for the gala, Joanna confesses to Karent that Romain hasn't been home since the night before and is refusing to answer her calls. She feels her out-of-control drunken behavior may have really ruined it this time. Ya think? She doesn't even want to attend The Black Gala, but feels obligated. Karent wouldn't miss it for the world. Last year no one would have invited her to a star-studded event, but now courtesy of Bravo she gets to hobnob with the likes of Tony Bennett. Think of all the twit-pics!
As everyone arrives Bravo actually does Lea a solid and shows the positive aspects of what their charity does and how the Black Gala raises money to support it. Good for them. Lea and Joanna pose for a red carpet picture and Karent races over and shouting, "Wait, wait, wait!" Before sneaking right in for the photo-op. Did she toss them her iPhone so she could tweet it ASAP? Do I need to ask?
I hope Karent didn't proposition Queen Latifah so she could blow up twitter and Facebook with a, 'Look who I met! Aren't I the specailistist dentitsist, like, ever?! CHEEEEESE!'
Marysol and Ana Quincoces have opted to skip the gala and stay home to moon about their soon-to-be ex-husbands instead. With all the tension with Lea over the event, Marysol decides it's the right thing to do. Apparently after three years and a serious boyfriend later, Ana is finally ready to pull the big D on her marriage with Robert. She claims it was their professional affiliation that held up the process. Maybe…
Marysol, on the other hand, is not ready to let things go with Philippe although he seems more than ready to end things with her! Perhaps Lea was right about this being a greencard marriage. Apparently Marysol and Philippe attended a party/dinner together, had some sake, and he drove her home where she realized she left her house keys in her car. She was 'forced' to spend the night at Philippe's where he basically confronted her about not signing the papers. Ana believes Marysol could have called someone, anyone to pick her up (right?!) and instead wanted to stay at Philippe's because she is still in love with him. That was one heck a somber girls night. Cheer up, girlies. You've got wine, designer duds, and the night is young.
Back at the Black Gala, Karent and Joanna are now BFF and Fembot is predicting they will avoid Adriana like she's a milkshake or full-fat cheese or french fries – or at least she hopes they will! Adriana arrives with Frederic and his troubling bowtie. Norman was also wearing a bowtie, albeit with a turtleneck (possibly a dickie).
Fembot diplomatically approaches Adriana and asks what happened the night before. Lisa is a heck of a lot more forgiving than I would be. She listens to Adriana and expresses sympathy for both sides. Fembot is quite a conundrum, isn't she? She either really, really wants to be liked and popular – or she's just an incredibly nice person with a big heart and a brain that rivals the size of her boobs and lips. I sort of appreciate her lack of an appetite – for drama, that is!
Also attempting to reach across the aisle as if this were a political convention is Alexia. She sits down with Joanna to ask about what happened and instantly Karent is racing across the room, whispering in Joanna's ear wondering if she is OK. Alexia is not onboard with the wind that blows from the lips of a famewhore and decides she'll leave and return when SOME PEOPLE know how to behave. Does she mean Joanna or Karent?
Karent tells Alexia to "Grow up.' Advice all parties could take. Alexia has had it with this upstart infiltrating their group thinking she's someone and flounces away. Real High Schoolers of Miami! You can put a ball gown on a sixteen-year-old and gussy them up with diamonds, but she's still a sixteen-year-old in a fancy dress. Hence why there's so much drama at prom.
As everyone takes their seat Fembot seems genuinely excited to be there – it was cute. She sort of swells with pleasure as she announces she has bonded with Lea. Unfortunately Joanna and Karent are seated at the table directly in front of the one bearing Adriana and Joe Francis. YES – he's STILL on this show!
Lea wanders over to enquire about where Romain is and Joanna is forced to admit he's been a no-show since last night and she has no idea what is up. Joanna just wants to leave and get away from these horrible people. Too bad! She's trapped. Not just with Adriana and Joe but with Karent constantly insisting on a photo and following her around. Karent is totally "Fetch" from Mean Girls. You know what I mean…
To add insult to um… bandaged fingertips… Joe Francis swoops over in an attempt to say hello to Joanna, who wisely shoos him away. Joe is so desperate! Dude – accept it you are NOT a housewife. You may be a boob and an immature, drama-starting, petty, famewhore, but you are not a Housewife!
Lea starts the auction while Joanna sulks and texts Romain. Adriana shoots her evil looks in an attempt to unnerve her. Joanna is ready to smack her face off and as she tells the story of how she wants to leave, and hates Adriana and Joe and misses Romain. All I could focus on were her bandaided fingers. She lost a couple nails in the fight, apparently. Battle scars, Housewives style. They go wonderfully with the ball gown and updo.
As Joanna opts to bail, Adriana seems to be casting a spell on her as she whispers to Frederic that Joanna is a "superwhore" and a "super hooker," whose skeletons will come out. "The truth will prevail," she hisses. Frederic looks alarmed. The striking evil sorceress will take down the pretty blonde whose tongue is made of razors and whose blond locks fall like honey but are laced with poison just like the words that fall from her lips. Those blue eyes can be deceiving and will turn to knives and cut through your soul. But alas, the dark goddess Adriana has tricks down her cleavage as well. She speaks five languages – and one of them is evil.
Adriana needs to keep her comments to herself. These two feed off each other negatively and are always sinking to the other's levels. It is wise to be wary of enemies in pretty dresses and wise to be wary of enemies who operate just like you.
Next week: Housewives warfare continues!
[Photo Credit: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WHO STARTED THE FIGHT: ADRIANA OR JOANNA? WHO WINS THE PSYCHIC POWER-OFF: NORMAN OR ELSA?