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Two weeks ago on Big Rich Texas, Leslie Birkland announced that she and Rip Mason were engaged. Bonnie Blossman secretly planned an engagement party for the couple; however, Leslie came to the party that she thought was a casual dinner sans her billionaire.

A mortified Leslie proceeded to distract her friends with massive amounts of alcohol and the promise of a trip to New Orleans. Despite no Rip, good times were had by all until Bonnie's husband Jason picked a fight with Leslie's son Tyler. And yet another episode ended with an embarrassed Leslie dragging one of her real/borrowed children to the car. 

Naturally, the women need new used clothes for their upcoming trip to New Orleans, so they go to Connie Dieb's shop. They're very excited about the trip… Bonnie wants to party on Bourbon Street and Connie and DeAynni practically salivate just thinking about the food. Since Connie always misses the disastrous parties – is she really always busy or purposely keeping away from the drama? – she asks for the lowdown on Leslie's engagement party. Bonnie tells Connie that Tyler disrespected Cindy Davis, Jason stood up for Cindy, Jason threatened to break Tyler's jaw, and Leslie acted crazy.
 
Connie is like, Well, that's nice…. off to New Orleans where us girls are gonna go wild! I get the impression that Connie couldn't care less about what she misses at these parties… her script simply dictates that she ask for a recap. 
 
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Apparently, now that Kalyn is pure, she's no longer allowed to date without Leslie's permission. Leslie explains, "With Kalyn's fresh start since the baptism, we agreed that she's going to let me meet any male suitor before she continues dating." So, imagine Leslie's surprise when she walks in on Kalyn Skyping with a guy. Kalyn gives Leslie the scoop on Paul: she's known him for about a year, he's a 28-year-old website builder from New Jersey, he's a total sweetheart and a total computer nerd. Without missing a beat, Kalyn begs to go to New Orleans with Leslie, who says, "This is older gals getting stupid. You're not going." 

Next, we learn that Booger wants to propose to Whitney, and he seeks Bonnie and Jason's blessing. Booger says, "I would like y'alls blessing on being your future son in law." Jason chokes on his drink and says, "You wanna do what?!? You're outta your freaking mind. You're crazy. Why?" Booger answers, "Because I loves her." 

Jason asks if Whitney is pregnant, and Bonnie freaks out over the thought of being a grandmother before she's 50. Booger assures them that Whitney is not pregnant. Bonnie and Jason really drive home the reality of Whitney's current status: no money, no job, no life goals. Basically, all Whitney has is a big-fat Mercedes car payment. Still, Booger wants to move forward with his plan. Bonnie reminds Jason that she's hasn't ever seen Whitney happier, but she's otherwise silent. On her couch, Bonnie admits, "I'm really supportive of it."

Bonnie, DeAynni HatleyCindyMelissa Poe, and Connie are in New Orleans. Their first stop: the drive-thru daiquiri stand. The lady inside the booze station gets one peak at the women inside the strech limo and says, "All larges?" Obviously, the daiquiri lady has seen an episode or two of Big Rich Texas. Bonnie feels bad that Leslie isn't there. Did you even notice that Leslie was missing? Apparently, she is still in Texas because she has a migraine. Melissa "I Don't Want To Start Anything" Poe hints that she wouldn't be surprised if Leslie never shows up. Silent drunken thoughts happen.

Next, they hit up Pat O's Courtyard on Bourbon Street. They order alcoholic Hurricanes. DeAynni screams like a lunatic as she gets a lap dance from a random stranger. After he leaves, DeAynni says, "That guy was just a cutey patooty, wasn't he?" Cindy is like, not really.

The women learn that Leslie rented a mansion for their trip. First order of business: assign bedrooms. Second order of business: sniff out the booze… Cindy's on it! Giggling like a school girl, a tipsy Bonnie suggests that they set up Cindy for a big scare. They tell Cindy to go check out the shower, where Melissa is hiding, and then fall over laughing when Melissa screams in Cindy's face. Cindy isn't drunk enough (yet) to appreciate the joke.

Back in Texas, Paul is in town for Kalyn's birthday. He brings her to Speed Zone for some family-friendly fun, and Kalyn is like, my boobies are hanging out and this is where you bring me? Are you for real? Paul asks her to give it a chance. Afterwards, Kalyn admits that she wasted a good boob day on go carts had fun.

Reality TV News Weekly Wrap-Up 12-2-12

The next day, Bonnie is ready to hit Bourbon street, but DeAynni has other plans. Bonnie explains, "We were supposed to go to Bourbon Street today. Now our plans are on hold because Dee is forcing a sex toy party on us." The Passion Party consultant gives them all nicknames for the party: Bend Me Over Now Bonnie, Doesn't Mind Doing It All Night Long Dee, Masturbates Often Melissa, Craving Passionate Sex Cindy, Can't Get Enough Connie, and Lick Em Like A Lollipop Leslie. Blech. None of those images are welcome inside my head, thankyouvermuch. While it's obvious that Bonnie is extremely uncomfortable, DeAynni threatens to spank her if she doesn't participate.

Screaming again, DeAynni harasses Bonnie with a spinning dildo. Bonnie freaks out and yells, "Don't f-ing come at me with that." DeAynni tells her that she needs to lighten up and continues to poke Bonnie with the dildo. Bonnie jumps out of her seat, says f*** you to DeAynni, and leaves the room. Then, DeAynni is all like, can you believe her? I really cannot stand that woman. If I were at that party, it would take every ounce of my willpower not to shove a dildo down her throat just to shut her up. 

DeAynni insists that Bonnie participates and sends Melissa to bring her back to the party. When Melissa fails to bring Bonnie back, DeAynni amps up her whining… but whhhhyyyyy? and for the first time in my life (and probably the last) I wish I could shove those dildos in my ears. I don't think I can stomach another minute of DeAynni's voice! On her couch, she says, "Who dresses like a pin up and acts like a preacher's wife?" Looking at Shaye, DeAynni adds, "Women use toys. Why do you think we buy so many batteries?" Shaye looks like she might vomit.

Bonnie and Melissa leave the sex toy party in favor of a ghosts. Bonnie is gathering information for her next Fiona Frost book. Innocently enough, the tour guide lists the different kinds of costume galas that are held in New Orleans. While all things costumes are right up Bonnie's alley, he loses her at "Goth industrial bondage vampire ball."  Bonnie says, "Bondage? I've had enough of that today. I got attacked by a dildo in my face." What do you say to that? The tour guide simply says, "That is deeply disturbing." 

Next, Bonnie, Melissa, Cindy, DeAynni, and Connie dine at Arnaud's. When Bonnie steps out to take a call from Jason, DeAynni whines some more and Cindy bitchfaces that she's drying up and needs alcohol. When Bonnie returns, she tells them that they should have ordered without her. DeAynni says she didn't want to be rude. Bonnie retorts, "Is it as rude as you putting a dildo in my face … I wasn't bothering anybody, you didn't have to come and attack me with a dildo." DeAynni responds to everything Bonnie says with a childish nu-uh, Connie thinks the entire exchange is hysterical, and Cindy is like, Hello, remember me? I still need a drink. 

Back in Texas, Whitney and Nikki Rae Walker are poolside. Good news: Nikki is over her breakup with Adam. Apparently, so am I, because I had to look up his name. When Kalyn shows up with Paul, Whitney decides it's her duty to warn him about Kalyn's skanky ways. Whitney couldn't care less about Paul's well-being, she just wants to make Kalyn cry. When Paul doesn't take Whitney's bait, she goes on to list Kalyn's most recent life events, including sleeping with Tyler and getting fired from the ranch. Whitney adds, "I also heard Leslie tried to baptize the whore out of you." Kalyn and Whitney argue back and forth about who has started what with whom… it's tiresome. Finally, Paul says to Whitney, "I think what you're doing is a little bit immature. If you don't mind, could you just leave us alone?" Clearly, Paul is too mature to be on this show.

Rip Is Real… But Leslie's Stories Don't Add Up

When Paul takes Kalyn home, he asks her if she wants to be more than friends. Kalyn asks him what he means. She must only speak "let's make out behind this pile of poop."  He explains, "I like you; I think you like me. I know you've been hurt before. I've been there for you when you got hurt, and I want to kind of make things more serious between us." On her couch, Kalyn reads her cue cards, "I really like Paul. But, part of the new direction that I'm trying to take my life in is making smart and thought-out decisions." Kalyn needs to ask mama Leslie before she can give Paul an answer. 

Leslie is finally in New Orleans… and she's an immediate buzz kill. First, she surprises the women with a Cajun Encounters Swamp Tour. Out on the boat, they whine, scream, look for gators, and scream. Cindy whines, "I knew on Friday night we'd be saying let's go find a big one but I didn't think it'd be alligators." On her couch, Cindy whines some more, "This is not what I was expecting for a bachelorette party. I was thinking Bourbon Street and drinks, not fishing for my next handbag." 

The next morning, Leslie reveals her next thrilling adventure, which is a botanical garden. Bonnie and Cindy refuse to go on Leslie's lame garden tour. Melissa, Cindy, and Bonnie go to Bourbon Street, and DeAynni and Connie go with Leslie to the garden. A pissed off Leslie smiles her fake smile and pretends that it's okay with her if the group separates and meets up later.

Melissa, Bonnie, and Cindy come across the Bottom of the Cup Tea Room and decide to get a psychic readings. Melissa learns she has a blue aura, "for harmony." Cindy learns a that a nice-looking guy find will find her. Poor guy. Bonnie wants the scoop on Leslie. She says to the card reader, "I have this… friend. Can you tell me if she's a true friend?" The card reader tells the women: move on from this friendship and believe nothing you hear and half you see. 

Reunited on Bourbon Street, the women drink and make out with strange (much younger) men. And Bonnie learns that Leslie filed a police report against Jason following the engagement party. Right on cue, Cindy brings up said event and jokes, "I want to make out with more guys… I'll show that Tyler what he missed out on." Melissa asks Cindy what exactly happened that night. Cindy's version is a little hazy. She tells Melissa, "I'm not even sure what happened. I just know that Tyler said something to me that really upset me. Jason jumped in and stuck up for me." Bonnie adds, "End of story." 

I think Leslie's wearing her sour puss face… it's hard to tell with all the Botox. (Note to Style Network: Leslie's facial expressions need subtitles.) Anyway, Leslie shakes her head and says she refuses to participate in the conversation. Bonnie asks Leslie if she disagrees with Cindy's take on the incident. Leslie's face holds steady. Bonnie tells Leslie that she knows about the police report and calls her a "lying, f-ing bitch." Leslie finally speaks, saying, "What? There's no police report." Bonnie responds, "False. Police. Report." When Leslie continues to deny the existence of a police report, Bonnie produces a picture of it on her phone. Leslie backtracks and says, "I filed an incident." 

On her couch, Leslie explains, "After the Jason attack, I did file an incident report. I did it that morning. I was still traumatized by what happened … I just need to protect my family. I hope it will be an deterrent and he won't attack us again." Leslie asks to speak to Bonnie in private. Bonnie basically tells Leslie that she's not worth her time. Leslie slithers out of the restaurant. 

While Cindy's take on the event is slightly embellished in her favor, she does admit that she feels responsible for the entire mess. You think? Bonnie tells the others, "Leslie sits there, looking all smug and rolling her eyes. I'm done. She has burned every one of you. I didn't want to say it, but she's nobody's friend." 

Next week on Big Rich Texas, Booger proposes to Whitney and Leslie debuts the bodyguard she hired to protect her from Jason and Bonnie. Leslie is unreal! Y'all, I'm so sad that the Big Rich Texas season finale is only two weeks away.
 
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Kalyn Gets Life Coached

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