Welcome to the
scripted reality television land of Wigs N Cigs where a 40-something 35-year-old woman has never heard of an IUD and can't get along with her parents to save her life. If you were confused for a second; nope that's not Brielle's storyline – it's Kim Zolciak's!
On last night's installment of Don't Be Tardy, Bravo seemed to prove that the only reason Kim got a second spinoff was to exploit the legal/custodial drama happening with her parents because other than that this show has ZERO going on except for completely fabricated and ridiculous plots.
So Kim and Kroy Biermann take a walk in the woods and decide they are ready for a third child. I mean what else does Kim have to do; she doesn't work and she has two nannies for her other two kids so she can basically sit around and be prego, ensuring her investments will grow and grow. I believe they call that an "installment plan"? Ask, conceive and receive!
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There's only two problems: 1) Kim and Kroy want a girl cause Kroy doesn't have one. Except for the two daughters he legally adopted from Kim. 2) Kim doesn't want to have a baby during football season since Kroy won't be there. Isn't that what the nannies are for? She just doesn't want to be post-prego fat sitting in the wives box again!
I don't know why we have to constantly hear about wig porn on this show. We get it you're into freaky sex! Now shhhht!
Kim and Kroy pay a visit to her OB to discuss her birth control options. Kim doesn't want anything with hormones since she is nursing. Kim's doctor does a little birth control stand-up routine that he usually reserves for teenagers. Sadly, Kroy's lack of contraceptive knowledge is flabbergasting.
No wonder Kim was able to trap him so easily – the man literally has NO idea what birth control is or how it works!
Kroy has never seen an IUD or read a Planned Parenthood pamphlet apparently. Kim, on the other hand, can feign innocence all she wants – that woman knows damned well how to prevent pregnancy. Aaahhh… May-December romances!
Kim and Kroy ask about ensuring they can get a girl and Kim's doctor suggests Kroy wave some credit cards in front of his balls to bring the girl sperm to the surface. That's classy… Kim laughs all too hard at that little gaffe. Kroy seems to be mulling it over before he realized it was a joke.
Back at home, Kim's friend Jen comes over so they can drink wine and look up preventing pregnancy the natural way. Kim discovers that before the pill, people put lemon soaked sponges up their lady parts. Kim announces she is not putting the Publix produce department up her twat.
Then Kim's stylist comes over to dress her for mediation with her parents. She has a rack of designer and Kim laments that she can't wear a $6000 dress to court
because she can't afford it her parents are pleading financial hardship. After ruling out a feathered DWTS costume that should be relegated to Brielle (Kim actually thought it was appropriate and cute for court!) they decide on a maxi dress that doesn't fit and a hoodie.
And how much did Kim pay her stylist to sew some Chanel labels in Target clothes and act like it was a fashion revolution? You can put a Wig in designer, but it's still just a Wig.
Kim's friend of ten years comes with her to court. Quick question: Kim is 35, right? Why do all her friends of many, many years look 45? Do people age badly in ATL or is there something Kim's been hiding… Kim claims her brother also does not speak to her parents and she thinks that's a clear indication that they are screwed up. I think this family is a dysfunctional mess and should keep it off TV.
Kim's lawyer meets them downtown at the courthouse. They go in front of the judge and afterwards Kim reconvenes with her lawyer and stuffs her face with spoils from the candy machine. Stress eating, baby! Kim told the judge there was no way mediation could work and cited among other things that her parents were talking to blogs and tabloids about the children. I guess the judge still thought they should try it though.
Kim's lawyer instructs her to use her manners and just sit through the mediation or she could be held in contempt of court and stripped of her wigs and Targucci and Fauxnel clothes. Oh no! What's a wiggie to do?! Kim tells her lawyers she has "f–king manners" and knows how to act right. Oh really? Don't Be Tardy For Charm School!
[Photo Credits: BravoTV]
TELL US – WILL KIM AND HER PARENTS WORK THINGS OUT? WHEN IS KIM GOING TO GET PREGNANT AGAIN?