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Former Teen Mom star Farrah Abraham never ever disappoints me when it comes to interviews. Seriously. As much as I cannot stand Farrah, the person, I simply cannot deny that I love Farrah, the interviewee. 

Yesterday, Farrah sat down with the always raunchy Howard Stern and it was nothing short of amazing. I mean, there were a few instances where I thought might vomit, but the rest … I have recapped for your reading pleasure. Please hold your applause until the end. Thank you, and enjoy! 

Once Howard establishes who this Farrah Abraham person is – because he truly has NO idea – he compliments her banging body. (the body, not the face, mind you) Farrah says that she tries to stay healthy, adding, "I'm a chef. I try to work out as much as often but it's hard sometimes with my daughter, traveling, and work." 

In what universe is Farrah a real chef? And.. as much as often? Well, she is certainly off to a great start, no? 

CLICK CONTINUE READING FOR MORE! 

Howard continues to feed Farrah's ego, saying that she looks great for having a kid, and Robin Quivers surmises that the key to a great post-baby body is to have the baby young. "Well, not in all cases," says Farrah. "I mean, there are other teen moms that have to work out. A lot." 

Howard asks, "Seems like a lot of people on Twitter give you a lot of hate, right? They hate you! Did they start hating you because you did the porn?" Farrah responds, "I think I had hate even before that when I was on 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom. Hate comes from everywhere."

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Still, Howard points out that Farrah must take the good with the bad, revealing that she makes $5-10,000 per personal appearance. Farrah confirms, adding, "I meet great people. I have great conversations. I enjoy going out and meeting people." 

Next, Howard brings up Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom, adding, "They claim you made $1.2 million."  

"Yeah, it could be more, but I don't really want to talk about money," says Farrah. "[Money] is another reason to hate somebody. That's what people are mad about – 'Farrah made this much money off of [porn].' I'm sorry. I was put in a bad situation and I took care of it in a legal way. I came out ahead. I'm very proud of that."

Howard asks, "What was the bad situation – you were low on funds?"  HAHA

As always, Farrah clings to her "personal, private video" lie/fantasy. Howard reminds her that James Deen claims the video was a business arrangement with Vivid from the get-go. "But you keep insisting that the tape was a personal tape," adds Howard. "That you met James Deen – you were in love with him or wanted to have sex with him – and it somehow got leaked." 

"Yes, because of his own issues with trying to be more popular himself," barks Farrah. "I mean, I did what I wanted to do, and I think some person got a little in their head and egotistical." Oh Farrah, look in a mirror, that "egotistical" person is you! 

Robin asks Howard if the tape is "lit well" (meaning of good production quality), and Farrah interjects with, "It actually looks very nice, to be honest with you. I made sure, like, my only one video did look very nice." 

Howard shares that Farrah's "personal, private video" is "lit" like porn and has a quality to it that the average homemade sex tape lacks. Farrah insists, "It was just me and him, and it was really sunny that day."

Howard wants to know if Farrah still hates James, to which she says, "I don't need to hate him. I'm moving forward. I wish him the best and hope he learns how to treat people in the future." HAHA. Because she treats people so well? Farrah is hopelessly out of touch with reality. 

Howard reminds Farrah, you told TMZ that James has a small penis, and Farrah says that she was just hurt at the time. Yeah, she totally expected him to pine for her afterwards, and she got mad when he didn't. "I understand that's immature and that's why I'd rather not talk about what a spiteful bitch I am it and move on," she remarks. "I wish him all the best." 

Then, to prove how mature she is when she's not under stress, Farrah adds, "Derek had a bigger [penis]. My boyfriend was a winner. I wish he were still alive." Farrah describes Derek Underwood, Sophia's father, as her first love. Just, you know, too bad he died. You have to love her sensitivity. Really, there's no middle ground for Farrah, it's either "woe is me" ugly cry face or "the world is full of a–holes" bitch face. 

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So, Stern's media producer, JD Harmeyer, hates Farrah, and Robin shares that this interview is causing him to angrily pace inside the studio. "She's lying!" JD yells. "She's sitting here lying. It was a pre-meditated tape." 

Farrah counters, "I have nothing to hide. I don't have sex every day. I'm not a whore. I'm not a slut. I'm not a c–t," to which JD says, "She is everything that is wrong with entertainment media and pop culture today." Farrah is annoyed and asks, "WHAT DID I DO?"

JD responds, "Farrah is part of a culture that is putting people on TV for irresponsible behavior and making money off of it… and exploiting…" Farrah interrupts and rants on and on about how she's very responsible, very well off, very caring of others, blah, blah, blah. "I don't think you have an argument," she adds. "You are very misinformed. I don't share things if I don't feel that others can learn from them." 

Farrah continues, "If you want to hate somebody and say that I got famous for no reason than you should talk to the reporters and other people who want to report things and make me famous. Because I don't try [to be famous]." 

This is hilarious because it's obvious that Farrah calls the paps every single time she leaves her house.

"Oh, you're just not everywhere, trying to get your picture taken," chides JD. "You've never had a photographer take your picture at the beach? You never tried to do a song?" 

Farrah says to JD, "You're an angry individual and you really need to go take care of yourself." To Howard, Farrah adds, "I don't need that negativity because [people in general] don't know what they're talking about." 

Moving on, Howard prompts Farrah to talk about her sex life, and Farrah admits that she loves anal sex. In fact, Farrah reveals, she utilized her "backdoor" before her "front door" way back when because that's what good Christian girls do. "I really tried to not have sex before marriage." 

Howard asks Farrah when she last had sex, and Farrah says, "Six months ago. Everyone saw it." (meaning she hasn't had sex since Farrah Superstar

"I have very much put away my vagina since then." Mmmkay! Then, Howard asks, "How many times were you with James Deen before you made the tape," to which Farrah says, "Like three times." ROFL! Hey, remember when Farrah tweeted, "I can't believe the ONE TIME I have sex in the past year has turned into this." Yeah, neither does Farrah, the pathological liar. 

Random questions for Farrah to wrap up the interview: Will you make another sex tape? "That's a negative." Are you looking for a guy? "Not looking. I don't care." Do you have sex with girls? "That's a negative."

"I have NOBODY at home," Farrah shares. "I masturbate to … I like to watch my own video. I mean, I've had my video for a while, so I've seen it … a lot." 

How about that DUI guilty plea?! "I don't want to go to jail so I'm on probation. I'm on that no alcohol diet for six months." Is there a blow-n-go lock on  your car? "Yup. I'm blowing every day." 

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Wow, Farrah, were you hammered out of your skull? "I was legally drunk, but I definitely remember the whole night and the police acting like idiots to me. I don't even want to go through this whole story because people seem to think I want to kill people and I want to get drunk and drive."

Why are you so mad at the cops? "Why tell TMZ? Why make it a bigger issue? They didn't even give me a sobriety test. They didn't do things legally." Um, then why are you on probation, Miss Vicky Victim Farrah? "When you gotta go see the judge, you're going to go through the many things – pay $500 fine, six months probation, SR-22 insurance – you know it." 

Will Farrah return to TV in the future? "With me planning for my restaurant, moving from an apartment to a house, doing all these different things, it's possible." I really really really hope this 'Finding Farrah' project never sees the light of day! 

TELL US – YOUR THOUGHTS ON FARRAH'S INTERVIEW WITH HOWARD STERN?

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