This week on Teen Mom 3, Briana DeJesus visits the GYN for birth control, and Alex Sekella screams at her family. Also, Katie Yeager endures the birthday trip from hell, and Mackenzie Douthit discovers that Josh McKee has been lying to her about rodeo practice.
Briana kicks off this week's episode, and she's very happy to report that her sister/nanny is over last week's "spread my wings and fly far away" attitude. Also, Briana took about three minutes of college classes, so she takes a much needed break. When a boy calls Brittany on her phone, Briana lectures her on birth control and pouts about her little mistake, also known as Nova Star.
Next Alex studies while Arabella sits unassisted on the very edge of a table. Are they training her for the circus? Seriously. Since Arabella nailed the death defying high table sitting act, Alex tries a chair. Without a net. This poor baby tumbles off the chair and falls face first onto the hardwood floor. Alex complains because she can't take her eyes off of Arabella for even a second.
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Katie and Joey Maes bring out the absolute worst in each other. Naturally, in light of their constant fighting, Katie wants to spend her 19th birthday taking a road trip to try on wedding dresses. Joey points out the obvious: "There are a lot of f–king things that need to change before we get married." But Katie's too busy day dreaming about a perfect life in Utah to listen.
Josh blows off Mackenzie and Gannon in favor of rodeo practice. As per usual, Mackenzie passively accepts Josh's excuses, but Mom encourages her to seek out his practice schedule. Mom's agenda includes bringing Mack and Gannon to Josh's practices to show their support, which he doesn't deserve, as well as seeing how much time his schedule will allow for a paying job.
Briana contemplates breaking up with her couch so she can dates guys again. Since she's leaning towards guys, Briana makes a GYN appointment to get on birth control. She decides to buy condoms at the grocery store in the meantime and legit panics when she learns they're behind the counter. The thought of asking for condoms makes Briana giggle. Brittany steps up, gets the condoms like a big girl, and goes about her shopping. Briana's still giggling.
Alex loses her temper when the costumes for her upcoming dance competition go missing.
I'm shocked. She usually handles stress so well. She screams at her mom and siblings: "YOU GUYS lost $300 worth of stuff. I didn't touch it, so who did?" Nobody fesses up. Alex's rage builds and builds, then she starts to cry over how hard she has to work to make ends meet. Mom tells Alex that she's in a negative place. That's an understatement.
Katie, Joey, and Molli are off to Salt Lake City for her birthday. Katie sees that Joey's in a bad mood, so she picks at him about $10 he spent on a car wash. "You and your shit spending," she chastises. "We're not f–king millionaires, JO-EY." He points out that $10 is nothing compared to what he pays for the nice apartment she wanted. "Can you just not be mean to me for one weekend," cries Katie. "Way to ruin another f–king day, JO-EY."
Mackenzie's mom calls Josh's trainer, Les. Oh snap! Josh hasn't been to rodeo practice for weeks. Les says he's pretty much done with Josh because he hasn't shown any potential (or desire) to be a winner. Um. So what is Josh doing when he's not rodeo-ing and not spending time with his fiance and son?
So, Alex lost her marbles over missing costumes, and she's still not talking to her mom. Grandma to the rescue! Except Alex yells at Grandma too. This girl is nuts! Grandma suggests Alex stop to count to ten, err, maybe twenty the next time she feels that angry. She adds, suck it up, buttercup!
Brittany doesn't want to go to the GYN with Briana but independent thinking is against the rules of the coven. Mom bitches. Briana whines. Brittany relents.
Couple of the year makes it to Salt Lake City – alive. Katie calls her mom to whine about Joey yelling at her the whole way. These two kids are miserable together. We see it. Mom sees it. "If I'm not with Joey, I'm going to be completely alone for the rest of my life," insists Katie. "Who wants a fat, stretch-marked bitch with a baby?" Well, it's nice she recognizes that she's a grumpy girl, but the rest of her statement makes me sad.
Briana and Brittany – with Mom and Nova in tow – are off to the GYN. Brittany freaks out when she sees the pap smear instruments in the exam room. She calls Mom: "Get here now, they got these tools ready to dig up my vagina." Even Mom's pissed off eyebrows (those things are scary) can't keep Brittany in that room. She's out.
In her room, Briana grumbles about being a big girl, so Mom holds her hand during her pap smear. Their extreme codependency is disturbing. Briana claps her hands like a happy little seal (no joke) when she's all done.
Mackenzie confronts Josh about his lies. She brings Mom, also, because the English language is hard, y'all. First, Josh insists he goes to rodeo practice, first "a lot" and then "every few days". Mackenzie admits they talked to Les and know the truth. Then, Josh gets on his high horse (no pun intended cause we all know he'd just fall off and eat dirt), and says it's not worth a fight.
"We fight because you don't want to spend time with me," cries Mackenzie. "I can't get you to take me on a date, but when your friends ask to go #noodling, you're right there." #CounrtyGirlProblems Josh asks for time to think.
Katie and Joey agree to be nice to each other the rest of the weekend. They laugh and have fun at the zoo with Molli. Clearly, if these two want to make it, they need to rent a pen at the zoo. After roughly three hours of getting along, they decide to shop for wedding dresses after all. #optimism The dress Katie likes costs $2318. Just a tad bit more than a $10 car wash.
Alex buys new dance costumes, though these particular outfits should have stayed lost, and her dance team places second at competition. Abby Lee Miller would be irate, but her mom is proud.
I will admit, earlier, I thought Brittany was acting extremely childish when she refused to have a pap smear. Now, she admits the mere thought makes her think about her abortion, which makes her sad. I can respect that. But a pap smear could save her life one day so I hope it's something she's able to work through. Briana gives Brittany permission to be needy and emotional. At least until her next meltdown, then she's gonna need all the attention again.
Katie, Joey, and Molli are on their way home to Wyoming. Katie brings up her desire to go to college in Utah, and Joey starts to bitch about money. Nicey nice time is over, folks! They argue to the point where Joey tells Katie to get out of his life. "When get to the house, you can move the f–k out," he yells. "Stop wasting my f–king time, get the f–k out of my life, and do it fast."
Josh uses his words and talks to his brother and a friend about Mackenzie. Sometimes she pisses him off. Other times he loves her to death. Josh is capable of emotion and sentences. I cannot believe it. He tries to walk off the emotion but ends up hugging it out with his friend, who advices, "Do what's best for your little boy."
Meanwhile a heartbroken Mackenzie is taking off her engagement ring at her house. Sniff. Sniff. Cue the sad montage set to amazing music that every week tricks me into believing this is good TV.
TELL US – DO YOU FEEL SORRY FOR MACKENZIE? WHO'S STARTING THE FIGHTS BETWEEN JOEY AND KATIE?
Photo credit: MTV