This week on Teen Mom 3, Alex Sekella puts her Matt McCann induced pity party on hold to go to her senior prom. I expect her miserable self to pick up the party right where she left off next week. Fingers crossed!
Mackenzie Douthit and Katie Yeager whine about the same things they've been whining about for the past eight episodes. At least they're consistent. Whereas Briana DeJesus spends the entire episode in public. My guess is her house is being fumigated, to smoke out the male species, and she will resume couch sitting next week.
Also, it's Father's Day, and Mackenzie takes the above charming picture of Gannon as part of Josh's gift. You'll never believe how Josh McKee reacts to that much cuteness. Hint: he doesn't. Because his brain is broken.
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Alex confirms that Matt did overdose on heroin last week. He's in the hospital until his system is cleaned out and the damage to his organs can be assessed, then he'll be shipped back to rehab.
Meanwhile Briana reveals she hasn't seen Devoin Austin since she filed a bogus restraining order against him. Shocker. Time to move on, she says, so she registers for classes at the local community college. Mom worries Bri won't be able to juggle both school and Nova. Easy. Brittany, the nanny, will take care of the baby while Bri goes to school.
Katie doesn't "feel like" doing anything for Joey Maes for Father's Day. So she doesn't. I'd love to be a fly on their wall when Joey doesn't "feel like" doing anything for Katie on Mother's Day.
Since going to counseling, Katie and Joey have been working on open and positive communication to make their relationship stronger. Joey reminds Katie that he's going fishing later that night, Katie says, "Do whatever the f–k you want." Joey adds that he better not come home from work to attitude, Katie adds, "Whatever." Communication – it's a work in progress.
Briana needs to get her license now that she's registered for classes. A paraphrased (but nearly word for word) driving lesson – Briana: This is the brake? Driving Instructor: No, that's the gas. Briana: This is the brake? Driving Instructor: No, that's still the gas.
Briana: My baby's daddy is a loser so I'm going to college. Driving Instructor: Your turns are hideous. Briana: So I'll pass the driver's test in like a week? Driving Instructor: I don't think so. You're very dangerous. Nova: Can someone please send my mama a bus pass?
Next Katie and Molli go swimming with friends. Katie says she's totally over Joey's grouchiness, adding, "He acts like a two year old who hasn't taken a nap." The friend, who appears to be very young and is married with a baby, advises Katie to lie about being mad. She also thinks Katie should bend over backwards to be nice to Joey every second he's awake. These girls. Oy.
All hell breaks loose when Mom asks Alex if she plans to go to her senior prom. To do something good for herself. "Prom is not good for me," wails Alex. "I'm going to go and be miserable. Why should I go be miserable in public? Why get dressed up for nobody to appreciate?"
Mom implores Alex to find a way to be happy. Impossible, she says, because Matt has ruined her life. "Forever!" Um. No. Alex ruined her life (as she puts it) when she had unprotected sex with a drug addict.
Mackenzie complains to anyone who will listen because Josh has been distant… lately. She actually says… lately. I'm like, seriously? We have yet to see what non-distant Josh looks like. Anyway, it's Father's Day, and Mackenzie wants Josh to spend the day with her and Gannon. Her texts go unanswered.
Alex's mom encourages her to go to prom. Cautiously. With backup and EMTs waiting in the wings. She says Alex needs to relax and laugh again. Again? So it's happened at least once in the past? Alex agrees. She buys a "blinged out" red dress and picks a random guy from the dance studio to be her date.
Briana, Brittany, and Mom shop for school supplies. Misery to the third power. Brit offers "been there, done that" advice but Bri's
too perfect in her own mind distracted by novelty items and pretty colors to listen.
Mom, who picks up grade school "good job" stickers, enables Briana all the way to the cash register. "Every time I got a good grade, you didn't even care," grumbles Brittany. "But you want to give Briana some damn stickers."
Joey's awake, getting ready for fishing and work, so Katie tries her new "be nice to them every second" approach. She fails miserably. Katie only knows how to nag. (No big loss. It was bad advice anyway.) And Joey only knows how to storm out of a room.
Before he does, though, he claims Katie's been cool about this fishing trip for days and sprung this scorn on him last minute. I kind of believe him.
Alex helps Arabella "sign" a Father's Day card for Matt. Later, while getting ready for prom, Alex decides to jazz up her already busy ensemble with a Mike Tyson like design around her eye. In red to match her dress. I can't.
Mackenzie continues to bellyache about Josh. This time, to her daddy, who tries to give her relationship advice. Mackenzie says she wants to be with Josh but can't say she loves him. These people make my head hurt. Dad explains that he's crazy about Mack's mama, therefore, he always wants to be with her. Mackenzie cannot say the same about Josh. Sadly.
It's Briana's first day of college. Mom – with Brittany's help of course – drives Briana to school. Mom decides to wait for her baby in the parking lot for two hours rather than go home, saying, "Just in case." Wow. Codependent much?
This news annoys Brittany. Mocking her sister, she says, "Bitch, you have a kid, and you can't go to class for a few hours?"
Joey is fishing? getting high? working? I don't know. He's not around, though, so Katie invites her mom over. Standard Teen Mom protocol – if Katie can't complain TO Joey, she must be with family or friends to complain ABOUT Joey.
Katie says she's over the constant conflict with Joey, to which Mom deadpans, "That's what being in a relationship is like, I guess." How sad. "I don't have anywhere else to go," cries Katie. "I don't belong anywhere but with him." Mom avoids making eye contact with her troubled daughter.
Mommy waits for Briana to finish her first day of big girl school as promised. #GoodJobSticker Briana's insufferable enough at home. But, out and about, Briana makes even Super Pseudo Nova Dad To The Rescue crack. Brittany seriously loses her shit at lunch. #NoStickerForYou
Brittany says she's tired of dealing with Mom and Briana's problems. "I want to move away," she says. "It's time I flap my wings and fly. Far away." Briana tells Brittany that she's being selfish. OMG. I have no words. Mom dares her spawn to leave the coven. "You want to leave?" she demands. "Then get up and go."
Alex is happy she went to prom despite her "boring" prom date. What? No matching Tyson eye tattoos? No drug runs to the Quickie Mart? Bummer.
Arielle asks Alex if she's more open to dating now. Alex says maybe, as long as the guy respects her (lets her scream like a banshee) and has good morals (no track marks). She adds, if she does date, Matt's going to have to get over it. #delusional I'm fairly certain Matt has been "over it" for a long time now.
It's still Father's Day in
the longest sixty minutes ever Mackenzie's world. And she's still whining about Josh's detachment from all things Mack and Gannon. Why isn't his name Cheez? Mackenzie finally brings Gannon to see Josh.
Gannon is passed out from being in the car. Josh fails to find the energy to lock his elbows in order to hold his sleeping child. Mackenzie takes Gannon when Josh complains about not knowing what to do. I've said it before and I'll probably say it again – trees use oxygen more efficiently than these two. What is wrong with them?!?
Next Mackenzie tries to woo Josh with the photo collage. He grunts. Enough is enough. Mackenzie wants to know what Josh wants. He's cool to "just see what happens" but she begs for more. Josh remains mute. Mackenzie's bottom lip quivers. Oh man. I look away. I will not let Teen Mom 3 bring me to tears!
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Photo credit: MTV