Since Jasmine Sorge planned Briana’s party, the rest of ladies are left to decide whether they actually want to go. Christy McGinity Gibel is on board, if only to luggage shop by climbing in the suitcases…thereby masterminding her getaway plan if the trip explodes in her face. She fills her mom in on Tonya Banks and Terra Jole‘s feelings on the bachelorette party: i.e. they don’t want to go. Buttttttt…cameras are there. So, who thinks they’ll be there? Yeah, me too. #ContractProblems
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Jasmine and Briana meet newcomer Ali out for lunch. Briana loves the new girl for 3 reasons: 1) she’s shorter than Briana, who was formerly the smallest one in this bunch, 2) she eloped in Vegas just like Bonnie & Clyde, and 3) she knows nothing about Matt. Perhaps Ali is being cast as the new Ally? For Briana’s sake? Sticking to her script, Ali says she really enjoyed Christy’s housewarming party, but felt a could shoulder coming from Tonya and Terra. Which, yeah. They were acting like a$$holes to her, so I get it.
Jasmine and Briana immediately jump on this comment, claiming that it’s rough getting to know the two of them. Jasmine had her own issues with Little Boss last year, as we all witnessed. Jasmine says she doesn’t think everyone is “super excited” about the Mexico trip, but it’s time to strengthen their bond as friends, or cut the cord. Touting the positive energy that Ali brings (and the pro-Bonnie & Clyde stance she
temporarily claims), Jasmine invites Ali along to Cancun. Cue Tonya’s head spinning around at this news in 3…2…1…
Over at Terra’s house, she’s invited Tonya over for a makeover by Elena Gant. They discuss makeup for a grand total of three seconds before launching into the Briana bachelorette party. Tonya was ready to be neutral on the Briana/Matt situation until she heard about Matt “banning” his future children from seeing Briana’s parents. Now he’s back on her sh*t list. Terra’s friendship with Briana has been circling the toilet for quite some time now, so she wonders why Briana even wants her there?
As for Elena, she’s 9 weeks pregnant with twins. Cancun is the last place she wants to be, but she wants to support Briana. She doesn’t want to announce her pregnancy news before or at the bachelorette party, though, because she knows what it’s like to have your party ruined by someone else stealing your thunder. <cough cough BRIANA> Elena begs for peace in the group, wearing Tonya down enough to go. Terra isn’t ready to commit though.
When the ladies land in Cancun, we see that (of course) Terra has indeed come. They roll their luggage and their myriad of delusions through the lobby, and sit down to a toast/threat by Jasmine. She warns them all to bite their tongues and come to her if they’ve got a problem, not Briana. #EmptyThreats! Tonya is present, but not happy about it. She would rather marry her dildo than Matt, but she’ll party in Mexico with the bride-to-be nevertheless. Priorities.
In Elena’s room, she tells Terra she’s there to support Briana. (And to hide her baby bump in plain sight!?! Girlfiend’s already poppin’ out and she looks adorable!) She confesses to Terra that she’s pregnant – yay!! Terra is thrilled and gives her a bear hug with a squeal. Wheeeeeee! She astutely points out that these other b*tches are going to be SO jealous when they find out though.
Terra and Tonya wait downstairs for the ladies to assemble for their first evening out. As Ali descends the steps, Tonya snarks that she needs a car seat. Side note: Ali is very tiny, and I sometimes wonder about how these women can even handle drinking alcohol? I’m not trying to be a hater AT ALL, but it’s concerning, given their size – especially Ali, who looks to be about the body size and weight of an elementary school aged child. Anyway, Tonya does not have time for a new woman, as always, and plans to make Ali feel as uncomfortable as possible starting…now.
stupidly questions Terra and Tonya immediately about not being supportive of Briana and Matt’s marriage. They fill Ali in on Briana’s secret marriage, her lies, and their distrust of the entire situation. They want to start over, or so they claim. Ali asks if they would go to the wedding, should they be invited? They’re not sure. Ali doesn’t understand this. Nor does she need to, frankly. Why so nosy, Ali? (Oy – am I channeling Tonya here? Oh God!!) Seems like a producer may have taken Miss Ali aside to memorize her line of questioning though, because girlfriend is coming hard for two women she just met, like, a hot minute ago.
At dinner, Briana’s decked out in her requisite bride-to-be veil and sash, looking depressed as hell. Jasmine thanks everyone for coming, followed by a cheers by Ali. But what about Briana’s cheers? Or thanks? She thanks Jasmine solely for the gesture of the trip while Tonya asks flat out: is Briana happy they came? Terra rallies some grace from the depths of her
black heart, telling Briana she’s here to support her. So cheers on that! But Tonya’s not ready to gloss over the situation; she wants Briana to know she’s here to support her, but not necessarily the blessed event itself. Jasmine tries to shut this sh*t down, but Terra wants to keep things above board now. So does Elena. Briana just says she’s happy and that’s that. So, they’ll have to accept her answer for now.
It’s raining the next day, so Elena, Christy, and Ali make their own good time at the ping pong table. Christy, though radio silent last night at dinner, is all talk and giggles today. Elena is irritated at Christy’s 2-faces on this trip, as she sees it. Ali wonders if Matt brings out the best in Briana? No one really has an answer to that.
Later on, Jasmine and Christy set up some bachelorette games outside in the rain. Pink wigs for everyone! Jasmine’s agenda is fun with no drama. Lots o’ luck with that, girl. Christy tattles to Jasmine that it took a LOT of convincing to get Terra and Tonya to come, to which Jasmine retorts, she’s going to snap the head off of anyone who gives Briana a hard time tonight. Again, lots o’ luck to ya!
It’s the evening of Briana’s party. As Jasmine passes wigs out in a completely empty bar, Christy muses on the big surprise she has in store later. Because this scene is lame. Tonya refuses her wig, but takes part in blowing some freeze pops. They do a death march through the “fun” quiz questions Jasmine’s packed, even attempting to answer such zingers like, “What does Briana like most about her fiance’s character?” Bwahahaha! <crickets> As everyone struggles to dredge something up about Matt’s winning personality, Tonya finally chokes out, “Uh, he’s a smooth talker?” This.Is.Painful.
Back upstairs after their Forced Fun Session, Tonya pronounces Briana’s bachelorette party “the most boringEST!” ever. She thinks Briana regrets marrying Matt every day of her life – she just doesn’t want to admit it. Christy whines that they should all just try to have fun. And fun they shall have! After Christy’s little stripper shows up – against direct orders of the bride.
As the ladies get their drinks and snacks on up in the room, Jasmine notices Elena isn’t drinking. Claiming she’s sick, Elena shoos Jasmine and her many questions away. Dancing and twerking to the rescue! Terra does the splits while Ali encourages Briana to get “black out drunk!” But then there’s a knock at the door. Who could it be…?
Why, it’s this mesh-shirted dude, of course! Ready to shake his thang (and his weird arm bands?) all up in Briana’s face. But Briana is not into it, running away in horror yelling, “I’m married! I’m married!” Just in case he’s planning on proposing…?
Coming back to look, but not touch, Briana joins the ladies for the big show. Um…how should I describe this spectacle of delight? It’s crumply fishnet onesie meets blue tennis shoes meets rotating pelvis meets…Twin Peaks? This is all very David Lynch. And the ladies seem to love it! Briana even deigns to laugh at this mess, even if it is from the safety of her position barricaded behind the bed. Not gonna lie: this is possibly my favorite scene in four seasons on LWLA. #WhatIsGoingOnHere!?!? #ArmBandedStrippersUnite!! #LittleStripperDudeSavedThisParty!!
The next morning, Tonya takes Briana aside to discuss her concerns. She wants Briana to be happy, and not to have to hide her marriage from the group. But she does want to make sure Matt is treating her right. So, is he? Briana says yes, she is happy. But Tonya doesn’t see that “newlywed glow.” She feels deep in her heart that there’s something darker going on, that Matt is fronting, and that Briana only says she’s happy to defend her relationship against all of the haters.
Getting heated, Briana shuts down and digs in. She’s happy, whether Tonya believes her or not. And she’s not going to say what everyone wants her to say just to satisfy them. She’s got her story, and she’s sticking to it. The question is, will Tonya now be the next friend summarily cut out of Briana’s life? Or has Little Boss opened the door for more honesty in the future? Something tells me the former will, sadly, be true.
TELL US: WHAT DID YOU THINK OF BRIANA’S BACHELORETTE PARTY? IS TONYA OFF BASE IN HER QUESTIONING OF BRIANA’S RELATIONSHIP? IS THAT STRIPPER SCENE THE BEST THING YOU’VE EVER SEEN IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE!?!? (OKAY, OKAY – NO NEED TO ANSWER THAT LAST ONE :))
Photo Credit: Lifetime