Since the season began, Christy McGinity has spiraled down into a pit largely of her own making. Now that she has no farther to fall, it’s time for the rest of these Little Women: LA ladies to start turning on each other! Which is just what happens this week when Jasmine Sorge decides she needs to confront Terra Jole about whether she’s a true friend or not. Because she’s not a pet owner. If you’re still scratching your head over that one, well, so am I.
Before we descend into total madness, we travel to the plastic surgeon’s with Elena Gant, who’s brought Terra along for support. Elena wants to get her a$$ stretch marks lasered off, which is rich considering she inserted implants into her butt before getting pregnant. I guess it’s reality check time. Elena tells Terra that she was unhappy with Preston’s surprise party, especially because she didn’t want to be around that level of drama on her birthday.
CLICK THE CONTINUE READING BUTTON FOR MORE!
Terra thinks Christy dredging up Plastic Martyr has nailed the final coffin in her status as Enemy #1. Elena still wants to give Christy a chance though. Terra’s like, whatever! I’m throwing a belly dancing party and Christy is not invited!
Since Christy only has her mom left to hang out with, she drags her along to a soap making class. In case you were unable to see this riveting scene, here’s the nutshell recap: They. Made. Soap. Oh – and Christy fills her mom in on what went down at Elena’s party. Christy does admit she was out of line in a few of her grossest remarks, such as calling Tonya Banks “an angry black dwarf” and calling Briana “autistic.” So, she at least understands she was wrong. But she’s not willing to make amends for it yet.
It’s all about
totally fake blended families at Briana and Matt Ericson [Grunhoffer]’s house. Matt’s son, Eric, has come down for a visit (where’s his other son?) and Briana “couldn’t be happier!” Because, you know, she’s all about family! Even though she hasn’t spoken to her parents in over a year and refuses to let them meet their newest grandchild. So, yeah. #FamilyFirst
After the kids clear out, Matt and Briana discuss “Crazy Crusty” – Matt’s newest name for her. Briana thinks Christy is pissed that she and Matt stayed together. Matt thinks Christy is a crazy b*tch, period. He’s a changed man, yo! It’s been SIX WHOLE MONTHS since he sexted his wiener worldwide. “She’s a disgusting human being” with no soul, and no respect, says Briana. Interesting, the rage that Briana can muster for Christy, summarily cutting her out of her life with one swift blow. Where was this anger and decisiveness six months ago when she really needed it?
At Tonya’s, she and Kerwin are hosting a little mommy-daughter spa time with Angelique. Tonya wants her to know that nothing will break their bond, even if the whole Kerwin-moving-back-in-thing came out of the blue. They get chatting about Angelique’s life, which has been kept a secret from Tonya for a while now. Angelique is back with her ex-boyfriend, but doesn’t want to fully commit – or tell her mom much about it – until she’s sure about the relationship. Thus, the brass knuckles don’t fall far from the Lil’ Boss Tree.
In another equally lame mother-daughter moment across town, Christy is teaching her daughter, Autumn, to drive. Except not in a car. Instead, it’s paper plate steering wheels and mime stunts on bar stools for her! “Why are we doing this?” sighs Autumn, who’s exhausted. She’s worried she has thyroid issues, which Christy thinks may be plausible. They plan to make a doctor appointment soon to check things out.
Jasmine is washing Tonya’s hair at her hair salon. Tonya’s thinning hair has been a progressive issue, but she feels comfortable opening up to Jasmine since she’s also experienced hair loss throughout her life (she wears wigs as a result).
Chatter turns to Terra, who apparently “judged” Jasmine over – wait for it – not owning a pet. Yes, you read that correctly. Terra quipped that “I don’t usually like people who don’t have pets,” so now Jasmine is questioning Terra’s friendship with her. Okay, put a fork in this sh*t. I’m done! Lifetime has officially scraped the bottom of the barrel for storylines if we are now supposed to be intrigued by this ridiculous castmate beef. #PoodleGateSucks #ProducersForHire
Jasmine plans to confront Terra over this very, very serious issue. <eye roll>
Tonya has no time for this, as she needs to get her a$$ to flight simulation school! She drags Kerwin along for some fun times fake-bombing targets and, despite the corny outing, they do seem to be getting along better these days. Afterward, they talk about Angelique’s love life, which Tonya thinks Kerwin needs to keep his nose out of. He can’t just pop back in the picture and take over
says the woman who was mercilessly berated for not collecting garage boxes from Jaa.
Terra and Joe Gnoffo’s house debacle is ongoing. Is the previous owner still living there? Nope! Tonya is along for the ride. (Was this a foreclosure, by the way? What was the deal with this owner occupancy situation?) They’ve been told by the old owner’s brother in law that there was also powder all over the floor, as the woman was suspicious people were breaking in. Tonya’s all, Why did you buy this house from a crazy heifer!?
But when Terra and Joe enter their new home, they are thrilled to see it’s clean(ish) and powder free. Tonya is a total hater about everything from the house’s outdated design to its room sizes, which Terra deserves after going so hard on Tonya’s fitness line. But ultimately, Tonya stands down and congratulates the couple on their first home together.
At the splash pad, Jasmine and Briana let Mason and Leiana run around in the summer sun. A pregnant Jasmine confesses she knows what she’s having (gender-wise), but she’s keeping it a secret for now. Briana says Matt is thrilled with baby Maverick, but she’s still upset about Tonya saying she couldn’t handle an average-sized child. Oy Vey! We’re going back THERE?
Jasmine still doesn’t get Tonya’s point whatsoever. And Briana, who possibly understood Tonya’s comments a bit better when Terra explained that it was all about Matt “taking over” if there was another average sized boy in the house, even gets it all twisted again. Add to that Briana’s claim that she already is a mom (well, a step mom) to an average-sized boy, Matt’s son. (I swear he had TWO SONS? Where the F–k is the other son!? Am I insane from recapping this show for too damn long!? Help!).
Because the thirst is very real, Jasmine brings up #PoodleGate to Briana, who nods sympathetically over the cruel injustice of it all, but does admit that Jasmine’s hormones may have something to do with her getting this upset over something so trivial. Jasmine still plans to confront Terra anyway. Oh the humanity!
Friends, can you tell I am getting flat out exhausted with these ladies? I just CANNOT with this trifling pet argument! Does Lifetime misguidedly think LWLA needs to have a fracking fight at the end of every single episode? This season, in particular, has become monotonous in its formulaic structure. It’s like the carnival ride was fun at first, then kinda scary, and now it’s making me just a little bit sick. Blech. But looks like that’s what’s on the roster for this season, so we’ll just have to #RideOrDie.
So, with that, I give you Terra’s Belly Dancing Party Of Doom!
As the ladies assemble for belly dancing, their instructor Jillina welcomes them into the studio. Terra plans to use this session as motivation for her upcoming gig on Dancing With The Stars, but Elena isn’t into this at all. She has never, nor will never, want to shake her thang. She just wants her thang to be stretch mark free.
After the ladies halfheartedly shimmy and shake all over the dance floor, Terra expresses her gratitude to the group for being her loyal friends. Jasmine takes this opportunity to open her janky can of pathetic whoopa$$ all over Terra about the “pet comment.” Terra can’t believe Jasmine is so turned up over a lousy remark about animals. An increasingly flustered Jasmine whines that she doesn’t want to keep having to prove herself in this friendship circle! She is standing up for pet-less little people everywhere!
The group just stares all Jasmine like, WTF? Girlfriend needs some herbal tea and a foot massage. But if an apology from Terra will do the trick instead, then Terra’s willing to give her one.
Tonya turns the tables on both Terra and Jasmine, though, when she brings up what Terra told Briana about her little-versus-average sized baby comments. Now it’s on! Tonya stands by her feelings that an average sized son might try to take advantage of Briana, given the role model he’s growing up with. To Briana, this is an affront to the Fierce Mama Facade that she’s desperately trying to cultivate. Tonya reminds Briana that she’s isolated herself from her own family, so she’s more vulnerable than ever now. “I’m good,” says Briana haughtily. She doesn’t need anybody but Stage 5 Clinger Matt in this life she’s built for herself. Well, we’ll see about that.
Tonya is incredulous that Briana can allow Leiana to have a close relationship with her grandparents, but baby Maverick isn’t even allowed to meet them! Briana claims that “he’ll have Matt’s family.” Which is, um, WHO, exactly? Were they among the 10 people in attendance at that depressing excuse for a wedding last season? Terra can’t believe Tonya is going in like this on Briana, who they’ve all mutually agreed to leave in peace with her delusions and her deadbeat.
But Tonya ain’t stoppin’! Terra snarks that Tonya is “the queen of verbal diarrhea right now, and unfortunately she’s sharting all over Briana.” Tonya stands by her statements, despite these heifers still having cognitive issues processing what she meant. Jasmine and Terra want to make this their issue, and even Elena jumps on the bandwagon crying “foul!” all of a sudden.
But what they still (god help me!) don’t get is that Tonya’s comments about average sized children didn’t pertain in the slightest to them. Because while a few of the ladies in this group may be partnered with some questionable dudes, there’s only one who’s in real danger. And her name is Briana Renee.
TELL US: WAS JASMINE’S ANGER ABOUT THE PET COMMENTS DUE TO HORMONES OR DELUSION? DO YOU AGREE WITH TONYA STICKING BY HER STATEMENTS ABOUT BRIANA?
Photo Credit: Lifetime