90 Day Fiance recap

Last night we finally met TLC’s fifth couple on this season’s 90 Day Fiance and – lest we get too overly excited that this might be the one normal couple on this trainwreck of a show – we find out they are also a total and complete mess!

Narkyia and Olulowo (called “Lowo”) met when Lowo catfished Narkyia, lying to her about his whereabouts, having a dead baby-mama, and being a Nigerian prince. You know, the usual for internet scum. But she decided to marry his lying arse anyway. Oh, and Nicole and Azan have their first big fight! Shocker.

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Before we get to those couples, Jorge and Anfisa are facing their own little crisis. Jorge reveals his “big secret”: He was arrested at 21 for cultivating marijuana illegally, thus is now a felon. Thus, he cannot rent an apartment (easily). Thus, their hotel living situation becomes clear. He didn’t tell Anfisa because he didn’t think she’d ever find out! He’s a thinker, this one. Anfisa says she needs time to ponder what this all means, but is more likely thinking about whether she can stuff the hotel bathrobes and Jorge’s credit cards in her bag in the time it takes him to take his next whiz.

We’re introduced to Narkyia, a single mom living in Camp Hill, PA (holy smokes! I lived there growing up!!), who says she’s from a tight knit family. She spent a lot of time single since breaking up with son Malcom’s father because she says the guys in Camp Hill suck. Hey now! (I had a very sweet third grade boyfriend, I’ll have her know. Hmph.)

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Lowo found her online, claiming to be a widowed Nigerian prince of sorts. But after some light investigation, Narkyia found out the mother of Lowo’s child was very much alive, and willing to tell Narkyia that Lowo was living in Vietnam, just kicking it in business school or some other shady sh*t.

When confronted with the truth, Lowo admitted his lies. Then, naturally, wooed Narkyia back! “We had such a good connection,” sighs Narkyia, who ultimately forgave Lowo because “he really owned what he did.” Um. Okay. Next, she flew to Vietnam to meet him where she spent “the best eight days of her life” being lied to in person instead of online. Lowo proposed to Narkyia during the trip and now, she’s ready to bring Lowo over to the U.S. on a 90-day K-1 visa because, after all, he’s solid marriage material. So what if he catfished her? Just details, people, details!

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Narkyia and Lowo Facetime to discuss his upcoming trip. She admits she has trust issues with her fiance because their entire relationship started with a lie. Is he still just catfishing her, she wonders? Nah. He’s not fishing anymore, Narkyia. You’re officially hooked.

In Atlanta, Chantel and Pedro have just over 40 days to wed, but they haven’t told Chantel’s parents about their plans. Also, Chantel was a drunken mess on their vacation, which Pedro is now majorly side-eyeing. This is not the girl he proposed to.

The couple heads over to Chantel’s pastor to ask for guidance. After hearing the lowdown, the pastor asks Pedro how he really feels about Chantel? Pedro says he loves her. But the lie they’re perpetuating is the real problem. With only a little over a month to go before their K1 Visa expires, they’ve put themselves and their family in an impossible situation. Chantel’s pastor advises them to tell the truth ASAP – like tomorrow, preferably! “Expect your father to be upset,” he warns, admitting that there will be a thunderstorm. Chantel and Pedro know what they must do, even if they don’t want to do it. #GrowUp

In Morocco, Nicole and Azan are on day 13 of Nicole’s visit. How has Nicole dealt for nearly two weeks without the level of PDA she demands!? Not well, it seems, as the couple has had a fight even before filming has begun for the day. Why are they fighting? Surprise! Because Nicole tried to maul Azan in public again and Azan pushed her away. If Nicole can’t respect his culture, Azan says he’s not sure he can spend the rest of his life with her. (I’m frankly impressed he’s lasted 13 days. #TrueGrit)

Azan has hit his breaking point with this insufferable toddler he’s hitched his wagon to, telling her to basically shut her trap already about all of this “affection” crap. “You should know by now I’m not a sit and listen kind of girl!” snarks Nicole, huffing off in an attempt to get Azan to follow her. Which he hilariously does not. Okay, seriously – homeboy needs to snatch his mic off, grab a TLC producer as cover, and climb into the back of a truck headed anywhere but here. In short, he needs to ESCAPE. #FreeAzan #FaceOnAMilkCartonStyle #FianceProtectionProgram

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Back in PA, Narkyia is meeting her cousin and friend, both of whom will be bridesmaids in her wedding, for lunch. They – along with everyone else in Narkyia’s life – is shocked that she’s getting married to a stranger, but they don’t even know about all of Lowo’s lies yet. So Narkyia tells them! Their reaction is basically: OH HELL NO! “And you’re okay with those lies?!” they ask, which Narkyia answers no, she is not. But she loves him! He’s the one!

But wait! There’s more shady info: Lowo’s father is a polygamist with four wives. So, does Lowo perhaps already have another wife on the books as well? Narkyia claims no. But how does she know anything about this super sketchy dude? Is she simply relying on her poor-man’s internet sleuthing? Her girls are not okay with any of this information, nor should they be. Narkyia claims that he’s a changed man now though. Because she spent eight whole days with him.

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Back in LA, a grouchy Anfisa is being driven around in Jorge’s subpar sports car at break neck speed. “Why do you have to act like this?” Jorge asks Anfisa. She can’t get over his revelation, but Jorge just wants her to cut him some slack. He’s already admitted to spending $70k on this chick, after all! But maybe a doughnut will help? So he buys her one. “It’s terrible,” Anfisa concludes. Um…the doughnut, or this pathetic excuse of a relationship?

They discuss apartment hunting again, which Jorge says he’ll take care of. Anfisa also demands that Jorge takes care of her – and to her, that means paying her for services rendered. You know, I gotta hand it to this girl. She is nothing if not brutally honest about her intentions here! Jorge is not a sucker; he’s a willing partner in this negotiation, however cruel it might appear to be.

In Kentucky, Alla is preparing for a night out on the town with Julie, the wife of Matt’s friend. “She’s done a good job of making sure people are going to notice her,” pouts Matt about Alla throwing on some makeup and her eternally present fur vest. Matt is babysitting Max for the night, so he responsibly cracks open a beer to start things out right. Yikes.

Alla is thrilled to have a night out, but she’s underwhelmed with the calm wine bar Julie takes her to, which is nothing like the hopping party scene she misses back home in Kiev. She also admits Matt was being difficult about letting Alla go out tonight – she had no idea Matt was a jealous person! Julie confesses that her husband Patrick (Matt’s good friend) has concerns about this relationship working out based on 1) Matt’s unsuccessful history with his THREE previous marriages and 2) the fact that he just met Alla and is moving too quickly. Alla takes umbrage with this. She feels judged by everyone in Matt’s life.

Meanwhile, Narkyia is just praying that Lowo’s K-1 Visa gets approved so he can come over and scam her for everything she’s worth marry her. She tries to call Lowo to discuss this, but can’t get a hold of him. She hasn’t heard from him in awhile and is getting nervous, so she texts him to find out where he is. After many futile attempts, she finally calls her friend Toya to complain about Lowo being MIA. Toya is not surprised, but is concerned for her friend, who is confusing gullibility with optimism.

Girlfriend needs to Wake. Up. Or she needs to be forced into a 30-day Treatment Center For Idiots with the likes of Jorge and Nicole (and, of course, Why doesn’t Mohammed love meeeeee? Danielle 1.0). Seriously, can these people not be intervened upon?!

With 65 days to wed, Jorge has finally secured an apartment for Anfisa and him. He found it, ahem, “through a friend of a friend,” so on the black market, and Anfisa is just “okay” with it. But only for now! She wants a Viking range, a pool, and a housekeeper, yo! She doesn’t do chores or keep house, and she doesn’t want Jorge to browbeat her into any of these unsavory tasks either.

On the contrary, Jorge wants Anfisa to do the whole traditional housewife routine, but that ain’t happening. Anfisa was brought up by her grandmother, who apparently taught her to be the jobless, no-skills leech/grifter she has become. So, Anfisa is all *gang sings* on Jorge when he requests homemaking tasks out of her. Though she does halfheartedly boil some janky noodles for dinner, noting that he’ll be eating out from this day forward.

In Morocco, Azan has not successfully escaped to the Fiance Protection Program, thus is forced to go another round with Nicole, Nicole’s inane selfishness, and Nicole’s childish abuse. As she sits pouting in the car about lack of PDA from Azan, Nicole complains to the producers that Azan needs to understand her insecurities and heal every broken emotion she’s ever had. “You really don’t care about my feelings?” Nicole whines to Azan. Nope. He doesn’t. Not if she doesn’t respect his culture.

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Though Azan cares about Nicole, he also cares about his culture, and if Nicole can’t understand that, then there’s nothing left to talk about. Nicole’s all, “But how can you show me off? Literally, you’re making me feel like I don’t matter!” Dayum. This girl needs to be shot with a tranquilizer gun. She is a bottomless pit of self-serving need.

Next, Azan is suddenly the unexpected hero of the hour when he simply answers, “So?” to Nicole’s insane complaints about her VERY SPECIAL EMOTIONS. Incensed, Nicole then physically pushes Azan aside, barrels out of the van, and sits on the pavement to cry. Where she, in my opinion, should be left for good.

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Well, Azan is pretty much done with the hellish mess of a girl he’s misguidedly gotten himself tied up with. At this point, he’s not sure he wants to marry her, let alone spend another moment with her. And no one in the world would blame him for cashing in his chips and bailing right this very minute. No one – Azan, you hear me? – NO ONE!

TELL US: SHOULD AZAN BREAK IT OFF WITH NICOLE FOR GOOD? IS NARKYIA SETTING HERSELF UP FOR DISASTER WITH LOWO? WILL ANFISA AND JORGE MAKE IT DOWN THE AISLE? 

Photo Credit: TLC

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