Narkyia and Olulowo

Well, we’ve come to the bittersweet end of season four’s 90 Day Fiance, gang. It’s hard to believe it was mere months ago that Anfisa was shutting down Jorge’s phone all the way from Russia – and things haven’t changed much since! Except, now Anfisa can call herself “Mrs. Jorge,” or whatever. Because that insane chick actually marries the spineless man she trapped wooed from afar last night!!! As Matt and Alla take the plunge, they just hope someone has drugged creepy friend Patrick for the ceremony. And Narkyia and Nicole are left wondering what to do with the gigantic sh*tshows they’ve made of their lives.

A “Tell All” special followed last night’s season finale. Although we won’t be recapping last night’s part one reunion in this finale post, I will post a recap of part two. Because, let’s face it: There is just waaaaaaay too much crazy to talk about. We need more time to decompress, people! In the mean time, feel free to comment on any of last night’s full tilt insanity below.

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We sure are learning a lot about life and love on 90 Day Fiance. The fiances themselves, however – not so much! Doomed to march straight into the hellfire of their mangled relationships, each couple seems like a contestant on some twisted masochistic game show rather than a real live person who signed up for this mess on purpose. Surprisingly, this week saw some of the American fiances having a long-awaited light bulb moment (however dim). Those moments were short lived – however, last night’s super sized two-hour trainwreck was not!

First, when Jorge is kicked out of his apartment yet again by Anfisa (of the Kylo Ren mind control techniques), he finally ponders sending her home to Russia for good. Then, Narkyia somehow finds her voice – and her ice cream cone as a weapon! – when she hears some shady business involving Lowo, the known catfisher. Color me shocked. Finally, Nicole tries to paint a lousy picture of Azan to her family, which ultimately backfires on her when they all basically tell her she’s nutso for considering marriage to him. So, progress? Nah, not really.

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There are two things that frustrate me about 90 Day Fiance: 1) That it is not on every single night of the week, and 2) That the seasons are so flipping short! Because seriously, each couple in this series – past and present – could realistically anchor their very own reality show. It’s a virtual cornucopia of dysfunction up in here! TLC, listen up: We want more. Nay – We need more! Hire more cameramen, give the editors a raise, convince the government to increase the K1 visa from 90 to 400 days. Do what you have to do, people!

Last night, we did get a bit more from “Happily Ever After,” which ended its short season, then followed up with the couples on a “Tell All” reunion afterward. (As usual, we’ll be recapping the current season only – but feel free to comment on 90DF disasters past and present below!) As season four winds down, the fiances are facing reality in varying degrees. But somewhere on the scale of Jorge’s frightening masochism, to Narkyia’s deep delusion, Nicole has found her way to something even more hilarious: Self Righteousness. Yes, she is the tortured victim in her very tiny mind. Danielle 2.0 is following in Danielle 1.0’s footsteps quite nicely, eh?

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“You can’t fix stupid.” No, that’s not the official slogan of 90 Day Fiance (even though it should be). It’s what Anfisa tells Jorge this week when he begs her to stay in the country after she kicks him out of their apartment and packs her bags for home. But is she bluffing? At the end of her five-week trip to Morocco, Nicole also faces a crossroads with Azan. Will he come to the U.S. on a K1 visa, or will he breathe a deep sigh of relief, waving goodbye forever to Nicole and her giant bag of bullsh*t from the airport window?

Lowo and Narkyia are also trudging down their own disillusioned path, as Narkyia actually flies to Vietnam to check out Lowo’s sketchy story for herself! Chantel and Pedro face the wrath of her parents, while Matt decides to make some very bad choices at a bachelor party before his wedding to Alla. As a reminder, this is Matt’s FOURTH marriage, thus his fourth bachelor party. You know – Danielle and Mohammed aside – TLC has really outdone themselves this season with this motley crew! If these people were not literally filmed on camera for all to see, no one would believe their level of idiocy actually exists.

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90 Day Fiance might not promise true love to all of its terribly dysfunctional couples, but it sure does promise to make the rest of us feel pretty good about our lives! On last night’s episode, Anfisa tells Jorge straight up (again) that she’s here for his money, not him. Somehow, this news is shocking to Jorge. Yet not shocking to every other earthling who’s seen even ONE episode of this season.

Chantel begs forgiveness after lying to her family about Pedro for two and half months, and Nicole starts to question Azan’s “love” for her after they have yet another argument. Also, Azan needs to up his meds if he’s gonna last another week with Nicole. Especially when she tries to explain feminism to him. Yes, friends: Nicole is abroad trying to explain women’s rights to the general populace! Meanwhile, Azan is still trying to explain how being healthy and fit is a good thing, not an infringement on Nicole’s right to bare arms.

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Chantel and Pedro finally came clean on last night’s 90 Day Fiance. And it went as well as expected…which is to say, not well at all. Meanwhile, Nicole is still playing out her Arabian Nights fantasy with Azan in the deserts of Morocco, but the physical exertion of a single outing on foot is enough to make her pine for the days when she could merely sit on her couch and Skype with Azan from afar.

As for Anfisa and Jorge, they’re still in deep negotiations about the terms and conditions of Anfisa’s stay in the U.S. By the way, Anfisa thinks she can be a model! Jorge of course perpetuates this delusion, hoping that she’ll rake in her own dough so he can stop pretending he has any. Although he draws the line at “distasteful” photos (read: topless). As for the other couples: They are still a depressing mess. (TLC, where do you FIND these people?!?!?)

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On this season of 90 Day Fiance, it’s come down to this: Who can save themselves, and who cannot. Whereas in seasons past, we’ve seen a pretty balanced mix of true love stories (remember Amy and Danny?) and totally deranged psychopaths trapping young wives into servitude (hello, Mark and Nikki!), this season seems to be offering up one big ole’ sloppy mess of singles who travel the globe with the express purpose of making bad decisions.

Case in point: Nicole and Azan, who are still in Morocco “getting to know” one another. This week, this task involves camels. And physical exertion. Two things Nicole is decidedly not a fan of!

Before we get to recapping last night’s episode, it’s worth mentioning that 90 DF spoilers have been popping up all over the place this week about who makes it down the aisle and who calls it quits. Like all spoilers, they aren’t 100% accurate, as they’re mostly based on social media posts and viewer conjecture. However, if they are even partially true, some of these people actually come to their senses and get out of their doomed engagements. Maybe all hope is not lost for these confused souls!

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Last night we finally met TLC’s fifth couple on this season’s 90 Day Fiance and – lest we get too overly excited that this might be the one normal couple on this trainwreck of a show – we find out they are also a total and complete mess!

Narkyia and Olulowo (called “Lowo”) met when Lowo catfished Narkyia, lying to her about his whereabouts, having a dead baby-mama, and being a Nigerian prince. You know, the usual for internet scum. But she decided to marry his lying arse anyway. Oh, and Nicole and Azan have their first big fight! Shocker.

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