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Well, we’ve come to the bittersweet end of season four’s 90 Day Fiance, gang. It’s hard to believe it was mere months ago that Anfisa was shutting down Jorge’s phone all the way from Russia – and things haven’t changed much since! Except, now Anfisa can call herself “Mrs. Jorge,” or whatever. Because that insane chick actually marries the spineless man she trapped wooed from afar last night!!! As Matt and Alla take the plunge, they just hope someone has drugged creepy friend Patrick for the ceremony. And Narkyia and Nicole are left wondering what to do with the gigantic sh*tshows they’ve made of their lives.

A “Tell All” special followed last night’s season finale. Although we won’t be recapping last night’s part one reunion in this finale post, I will post a recap of part two. Because, let’s face it: There is just waaaaaaay too much crazy to talk about. We need more time to decompress, people! In the mean time, feel free to comment on any of last night’s full tilt insanity below.

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It’s the magical day for Jorge and Anfisa. And by magical, think: A justice of the peace, semi-ironed clothing, and some sort of marijuana grow light riding shotgun in the bride and groom’s chariot. (Is this the IDIOT-branded car? Because it should be.) Anfisa doesn’t feel like the wedding is a big deal. No guests, no frills. It’s just about getting paperwork signed, which will then lead to her magic green card. Just in case Jorge mistakes his wedding day for a romantic moment, Anfisa reminds him of these cold, hard facts. She also reminds him that she’s not trapped here just because of some silly marriage certificate. You know, in the event that Jorge’s 3 remaining brain cells don’t compute that his existence = dollar signs for her, period.

In Kentucky, Matt and Alla’s wedding day is also upon them. They are ready for commitment, but not ready for Patrick to make an ass of himself at their ceremony. He’s already threatened as much. Despite the many, many haters who’ve hazed Alla along the way, she’s happy, especially because her sister Iryna is here from the Ukraine. Julie, Patrick’s ill-suited girlfriend (why is she with that maggot!?), sweetly agrees to do Alla’s makeup. Alla’s son, Max, seems excited for the day as well. In the end, Alla looks beautiful and content, even tearing up before the ceremony at the emotion of it all. Aww. I’m rooting for this woman, despite Matt’s man-child ways!

Sadly, since no one is planted in the parking lot armed with a baseball bat, Patrick makes it into the event without his kneecaps broken. More to come on that later…

Cut to Vietnam, where Narkyia is still fuming about news that she’s Lowo’s second choice. He apparently wanted to get back with his baby mama, but when that failed, he catfished chose Narkyia. The two meet for lunch to hash things out. Lowo croons that he’s sorry, he didn’t mean it baby, he did her wrong! He goes as far as blaming it on his parents – THEY wanted him to get back together with his baby mama, not HIM! Narkyia is like, go be with her then. She can’t trust him, and frankly, never could.

Lowo begs Narkyia for the 90-day grace period they agreed upon. But Narkyia doesn’t even want Lowo anywhere near her at this point. She tried to trust him, but he showed himself to be untrustworthy for the thousandth time – and the last time. A deflated Lowo finally is left to watch Narkyia drive away, no doubt already checking his various fake email accounts to see if any new fish are on his slimy hook.

It’s official: Narkyia is the heroine of this season. She stone cold dumped Lowo’s lying a$$! #NarkyiaForTheWin #BetterLateThanNever #TakeNotesJorge

90 Day Fiance recap

Nicole is in Florida pondering her toilet bowl of a life. She doesn’t have the money to bring Azan to the states for a K1 visa, nor can she support him when he gets here. Her family is unsupportive, her mom won’t sponsor her, and she basically has zero life skills. “But that’s okay,” sighs Nicole, who now needs to call Azan up and deliver the joyous news.

Nicole FaceTimes Azan, giving him the lowdown, noting it will take up to two years to get the scratch together to bring him over. “I hope our love can last that long,” Nicole desperately whines. Azan deadpans his rehearsed lines, “Uh, of course it will.” But he does backtrack a bit, claiming he will indeed wait to be her husband…”one day.” Hmm.

Either Azan literally has no other options in life, or is just trying to get off of the phone so he can go live his. But he ain’t going anywhere right now, or at least until he goes through the FaceTime version of Nicole force-groping him again! This tiresome toddler asks him repeatedly, “How much do you love me? No really? HOW MUCH!?!?!” Azan tries to tame her by answering as best he can. Oh, Azan. You are a fool to agree to anything with this bottomless pit of need. Here’s hoping he has a secret escape hatch we don’t know about yet.

Back at Matt and Alla’s wedding, Matt is waiting for his bride to walk down the aisle. His fourth time up here, he’s used to this bit. Meanwhile, Patrick is planning his punk move. Alla finally enters, looking beautiful, and the couple seem genuinely happy to be taking the plunge together. As the preacher asks for objections, Patrick’s face reads, “I need to take a rather large crap,” but his mouth says nothing. Alla tears up, relieved that Patrick decided to NOT act like a tool for once in his pathetic life.

After Matt and Alla exchange vows, they kiss, and are pronounced husband and wife! Their family and friends applaud, and the couple walk down the aisle, thrilled. Patrick hopes this is Matt’s last wedding. If only because there are no more jacked-up strippers for hire in this town. Alla feels like her dreams have come true with Matt, and he seems smitten with his new wife too.

Back in PA, Narkyia is decompressing from her trip. She sits down with her 12-year old son, Malcom, who she has to tell the truth to: Lowo might not be coming after all. She explains that he lied to her, so she’s not sure if they’ll pursue marriage. Malcom seems unfazed, but says he was excited to see Lowo. He wants someone to play sports with – but that’s no reason for Narkyia to bring a dirty rotten scoundrel into their backyard. She needs good role models in her son’s life, not liars who con people in the name of love. Narkyia seems like a good mom. Props to her. (Nicole, are you watching closely?)

Back in the car ride on the way to their wedding, Anfisa asks Jorge if he has doubts? Like, about his balls dropping soon? He’s a thousand percent sure, yo! He can’t wait to get married “to the most beautiful woman in the world,” he sighs, as Anfisa stares ahead with eyes that have died long, long ago. She wants Jorge to make her some real promises, like promises to buy “bags and shoes” for life. You know, the critical stuff solid relationships are built upon! Jorge just laughs. He is either dumb as dirt or loves the torture – I can’t figure out which?

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At the courthouse, Anfisa and Jorge trade vows in front of an empty room. “Anfisa is the love of my life!” cheers the delusional Jorge, who’s ready to tether himself to this nutcase forever. Here’s hoping he likes sleeping in that keyed car 6 out of 7 nights a week. During the ceremony, Anfisa actually cries – nearly bawls, actually – as Jorge holds her hands. They trade vows to commit themselves to one another in sickness and in health – but where’s that richer or poorer clause?! No matter. For they are pronounced husband and wife anyway.

They leave, snap a selfie, climb back in the car, and speed off into their absolutely dysfunctional future. Now they can get ready for their “big wedding,” which will include anything that makes Anfisa happy. So, $10k Chanel bags for everyone? Rots o’ ruck to ya, kids!

“I don’t really care as long as Jorge brings money,” summarizes Anfisa about their future together. Ah. That seems a fitting line to end this season on. Thanks for keeping it real, girl! Real crazy.

Just in case you’re about to go through extreme 90 Day Fiance withdrawal (like I am), there’s good news! Season five has been greenlit, as has another season of Happily Ever After. And just in case we need more of this trainwreck (but why even ask because – yes, yes we do!) TLC also plans to run a show next season that highlights the process of couples meeting for the first time and getting to know each other before the 90 day K1 process even begins. Kind of like Nicole and Narkyia’s stories this season, one would presume.

One can only hope that TLC producers and casting agents are already scouring the planet for equally deranged folk willing to be put on blast every week for their terrible life choices. I mean, is there any better TV than this? Answer: Nyet!

TELL US: ARE YOU SURPRISED JORGE AND ANFISA ACTUALLY GOT MARRIED? WILL MATT AND ALLA MAKE IT? WILL AZAN WAIT FOR NICOLE? DID NARKYIA MAKE THE RIGHT MOVE DUMPING LOWO? 

Photo Credit: TLC

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