90 Day Fiance Recap: Are You Ready For This?


We sure are learning a lot about life and love on 90 Day Fiance. The fiances themselves, however – not so much! Doomed to march straight into the hellfire of their mangled relationships, each couple seems like a contestant on some twisted masochistic game show rather than a real live person who signed up for this mess on purpose. Surprisingly, this week saw some of the American fiances having a long-awaited light bulb moment (however dim). Those moments were short lived – however, last night’s super sized two-hour trainwreck was not!

First, when Jorge is kicked out of his apartment yet again by Anfisa (of the Kylo Ren mind control techniques), he finally ponders sending her home to Russia for good. Then, Narkyia somehow finds her voice – and her ice cream cone as a weapon! – when she hears some shady business involving Lowo, the known catfisher. Color me shocked. Finally, Nicole tries to paint a lousy picture of Azan to her family, which ultimately backfires on her when they all basically tell her she’s nutso for considering marriage to him. So, progress? Nah, not really.


Picking up from last week, Jorge is at lunch with his sisters, who unanimously think him marrying Anfisa is the worst idea they’ve heard since sequined jumpsuits came back in style. Jorge sort of lets their advice sink in, but still delusionally wonders why Anfisa has changed so much since he first met her? His sisters don’t know and don’t care. They’re all, “Go home Anfisa! We don’t need you here.” Jorge slinks away from lunch feeling like the fool he is.


After practically crashing his car on the freeway due to Anfisa-related phone nightmares, Jorge later comes home to “reason” with her. He walks into their shared apartment for all of thirty seconds before getting summarily kicked out of it – AGAIN! Producers follow poor, ridiculously daft Jorge out to his car while he bemoans his fate. Is he at his breaking point? Possibly. He is shocked – shocked, I say! – at Anfisa’s attitude and lack of gratitude. “I can only do so much,” he laments, swearing that he’ll be sending Anfisa back to Russia the next day. Hmm. My spidey sense tells me that Jorge will rethink this plan in the morning.

Chantel and Pedro are meeting with a strip mall lawyer in Atlanta, looking for reassurance and guidance on the prenup her parents are forcing them to sign. Mr. McLawyer assures Pedro (through a translator) that prenups are common and smart in this country. He also has some swamp land to sell Pedro for a bargain, if he’s interested! Although Chantel has literally zero assets, she wants to protect her inheritance and any future earnings. Ahh. Inheritances are on the table after all! Hence, her parents’ dictate becomes clear. Pedro seems resigned to his fate, even if he doesn’t fully agree with it.

But wait! Pedro is miraculously saved by red tape! Chantel and Pedro have to get married the next day, but McLawyer can’t draw up the paperwork by then. Chantel, being the piss-poor planner she is, had no idea this would be an issue. “My mom’s gonna be so mad,” she cries. Pedro looks like it’s just now dawning on him that he’s not getting married to a full grown woman. He’s hitching his wagon to a child.

In Florida, Nicole can’t get a hold of Azan. He’s mysteriously dancing in the streets celebrating his new freedom missing in action. Her mom, Robbalee, takes Nicole to a serene bench location to lay down the smack: Azan doesn’t love her, she’s deluded, and they should NOT get married. To be fair, Robbalee has only heard Nicole’s side of the story, which goes as follows: Azan is a mean dude who made her cry and feel bad about herself in Morocco. Robbalee seems to sense that her daughter must have a part in this though, seeming to understand that Nicole and Azan just don’t know each other well enough to share a cab ride, let alone a life together.

Nicole cries on her mom’s shoulder, “I don’t know what to dooooooooo!” Robbalee reminds Nicole of the most important person in this jacked up situation: her innocent daughter, May. Nicole needs to be reminded of this frequently, as she seems to forget about what a bad marriage could mean for her child. Instead, she whines that she “knooooows!” But she obviously doesn’t know jack squat. Because she still wants to hold out hope that Azan is her Arabian Prince – despite their horrific visit together, and the sound advice of her entire family.

Oh, gawd, ya’ll! Nicole needs an emergency guardian situation STAT. She is incapable of making rational, adult decisions. TLC should be appointing each of these American fiances a network-assigned handler. They are CRAY!!!

In Kentucky, Matt and Alla are one day away from their wedding, despite creepy friend Patrick’s interference. Though Alla hasn’t told Matt she loves him yet, Matt’s willing to jump in to his fourth marriage and hope for the best! Because, like every other cast member, he is more than a tad “off” in the head. (This couple, despite their issues, does seem the best bet of the bunch though, I’ll admit. I’ll also admit that’s a sad sack state of affairs for this season’s contenders!)


Good news! Alla’s sister Iryna is able to make it to the wedding! At the airport, Alla runs to her and hugs her with an intensity that shows just how much love they have for each other. Iryna’s son is not along, which is a bummer for Alla’s son, Max. But without living parents of their own anymore, Alla and Iryna are just thrilled to have each other for this pivotal moment in their family’s life.

At the rehearsal dinner later, Matt is nervous to talk to Patrick. Let’s hope he doesn’t foist himself upon poor Iryna while he’s creeping on everyone else! Folks mingle harmlessly for a while, until Matt pulls Patrick aside to chat. He basically puts Patrick on warning: He’d better not cause a scene at the wedding, or else. If he has concerns, go ahead and voice them for the thousandth time now, but he better shut his trap the next day. Patrick tells him again that it’s a bad idea.

Matt thinks Patrick is a cynical ass. But does Patrick swear he’ll be on good behavior the next day? “You don’t have my word,” snarks Patrick, who confesses he’s “not sure” whether he’ll speak up when the preacher asks if there are any objections. What. A Toolbag. Yo, Patrick: Go get your life! Alla says it best when she reflects, “I’m marrying Matt, not Patrick.” So, step off homie.

In Vietnam, Narkyia and Lowo are at a government appointment dealing with his nefarious visa issue. After they exit the building, Narkyia seems assuaged that Lowo was indeed telling the truth about his documentation. Lowo gloats that, see! He’s totally NOT the liar he was a hot minute ago. He’s a changed catfisher!


Back in FL, Nicole’s brother is trying to talk some sense into her. (Is he new here? Nicole cannot be reasoned with, and the entire family should know this by now!) He’s also only heard Nicole’s side of the story, so he basically thinks Azan is the devil. He implores her not to marry him – he’ll just ruin her life! Nicole buries her head in her arm (signature move), whining that no one understands her.


“He really made you happy on the phone!” barks Nicole’s brother, who thinks Azan is a fake person who is conning Nicole. Does Azan love her? Yes, says Nicole. She admits Azan gave her a second chance when she cheated on him, so she wants to give Azan a second chance now. She also doesn’t want her family to judge Azan so harshly, but that’s the bed she’s made for herself by telling half truths ever since she returned from Morocco. I have to wonder what her family is thinking now that they’ve seen that beautiful bean footage roll? Azan was the HERO of that 5-week shame spiral, not the villain!

Back in Atlanta, Pedro is freaking out that the prenup issue might just get him sent home. Chantel’s latest brainchild involves printing off some generic document off a Prenups-R-Us website, hoping her parents will be chill with that. She’s also not planning any details of the wedding itself, hoping instead that her friends are taking care of it all for her. As she unravels in the wake of her ridiculous life plans, an exasperated Pedro sighs, “It’s crazy.” They don’t even know if anyone is showing up for their wedding. Which, by the way, is TODAY.

After they calm down, Chantel calls her family, who are not picking up. She whines that she really wanted a wedding with family involved and supportive. Hmm. Maybe tell them you’re getting married more than eight days ahead of time, then? No matter. For Chantel’s generic prenup is printed, she’s found a white dress in her closet, and Pedro is still willing it marry her! So.


In Jorge’s world, he’s reassessing his plans to send Anfisa home – after having slept in his car last night. He’s also wondering what fresh hell awaits him at home. Anfisa hinted that she has a little surprise for him in the garage. When he arrives at their apartment building, he sees just how good Anfisa’s mastery of the English language is coming along! She’s keyed “IDIOT” into the side of his second car. A message that, while absolutely true in describing the owner of that vehicle, is pretty low. Even for the black hearted Anfisa. She went GANGSTA! Damn.

When Jorge gets a load of Anfisa’s “present,” he reconsiders the proposal he’s suddenly planned for that day (WHAT!? He was going to PROPOSE!?). “Now, I just want this nightmare to be over,” says the defeated Jorge, who’s been pushed too far this time. He counts out another wad of obviously illegally obtained cash, and asks producers to let him deliver the news to Anfisa in private. He’s buying her a plane ticket home!

As they walk down to the car together, producers ask through the car window how Anfisa feels. She screams “What the F–k!? Can we GO!?!?” Then, just like that, the doomed couple peace out! They’re allegedly heading for the airport, but producers suspect foul play. Anfisa didn’t even have luggage with her for one. For two, Anfisa and Jorge show up at home again hours later claiming they “couldn’t find a flight.” They also seem to have groceries in tow. Snort!

Anfisa then orders Jorge to follow her, with Jorge mumbling that he doesn’t know what’s going to happen the next morning. He’s literally being held hostage by this chick! Even when he tries to sneak outside of his apartment later to tell producers the “real” deal, Anfisa stalks his a$$! She opens the door and snatches him back inside before Jorge can inform the producers of any details. Well. Whatever those details are, they are certainly fishy.

Cut back to Nicole, who is trying to develop big thoughts in her small brain. She visits with an immigration lawyer to discuss a K1 visa – you know, the legal, financial, and life-stuff that Nicole really knows nothing about whatsoever. The lawyer isn’t thrilled to hear how little in-person time Nicole and Azan have spent together. She also gives Nicole the hard financial facts: This is going to cost major dolla bills. Dolla bills that Nicole, as a barista, does not have.

In addition to the 5k that Nicole doesn’t have for the visa, she’ll also have to prove that she can support Azan when he comes over. Danielle 2.0 should talk to Danielle 1.0 on how to do that sh*t! We know, sadly, it can be done. Apparently, getting a “sponsor” is one way to do this. Nicole would have to ask her mom for sponsorship, in that case, and Robbalee doesn’t seem a likely candidate.

90 Day Fiance recap

Meanwhile, Narkyia and Lowo are basking in the glow of him telling the truth one time. They meet Lowo’s friend, Iteade, for ice cream, and things are going smoothly. Until…Iteade spills the dirt! He says Lowo was trying to get back with his baby mama, but when that didn’t work out, he basically settled for Narkyia. OUCH. Narkyia’s all, “What!?” She immediately confronts Lowo, who admits that yeah, he did that sh*t. But it was the “initial stages,” baby! No biggie! So, why is Narkyia just now finding out that she’s the boobie prize? “You are a f–king a$$hole!” shouts Narkyia, as she smashes her ice cream cone into Lowo’s face. She’s done. Whether she’s done for now or for good remains to be seen.

Lowo doesn’t understand what Narkyia’s damage is. He chases her down, but Narkyia doesn’t want to deal with his lying a$$. She pushes him and his smooth talking away, telling Iteade to take Lowo with him back to the rock he crawled out from under.

In the precursor to a domestic murder scene, Jorge and Anfisa are still holed up in their private hell. With 13 days to wed, Jorge is now admitting that they’re still trying to “work things out.” Ughhhhh. Anfisa hasn’t gotten on a flight yet, and Jorge is sleeping at work. On the phone from his car, Jorge talks to his lovely bride to be, trading deep words like “Hello” and “Where are you?” before deciding to meet. Anfisa agrees to be reasonable. I say that Jorge should agree to roll around in that “IDIOT” car forever – or until he makes one good life decision. (Which, let’s face it, means forever.) The car suits him.

In Florida, Nicole’s mom tries one last time to reason with her daughter, who in turn thinks Robbalee will actually sponsor her dumb butt. Robbalee is like, Um. That’s a hard no. Nicole stupidly whines, “Pleeeeeeeease!” She doesn’t have anyone else! Robbalee flatly advises Nicole to get another job. She is not about to change her mind on the issue, no matter how pathetically Nicole whines. In fact, this money roadblock is the best news Robbalee has heard all day. Plus, Nicole needs to focus on May. Remember HER?

But when Nicole threatens to drag May to Morocco to meet Azan, Robbalee is at her breaking point. “My brain is like fried even thinking about it,” she sighs. Short of handcuffing Nicole to a tree, or taking guardianship of May herself, she doesn’t have much control over this immature beast she’s raised. And now she’s paying the ultimate price for it: A front row seat to the trainwreck.

In Atlanta, Chantel and Pedro show up to their wedding with no guests in sight. Her family finally shows up – much to their delight. Even River drags himself there, late and under duress. (I smell production’s hand all over this storyline, which seems forced and lame.) Nevertheless, Chantel gets the happy ending she wants, but didn’t deserve. She and Pedro take their vows – after handing over proof of the prenup – and vow to love each other forever. Chantel also vows that she would do everything differently if she were to do it again. The lie-lie-lie plan didn’t pan out.

After that happy ending, we’re whisked back into the Gothic horror of Anfisa and Jorge. Out to lunch, the couple sit in awkward silence before finally launching into their discussion. Their 90 days is almost over, Anfisa still doesn’t have a ring, and Jorge has a keyed car. It’s true romance. Anfisa says she wants more support and understanding from Jorge. She feels lonely. Jorge “totally gets it” but doesn’t think Anfisa appreciates all he’s doing for her. She claims she misses him while he’s working long hours. Jorge takes this as Anfisa “opening up,” which gives him new hope. Ladies and gentlemen, Jorge has officially reached a new level of pathetic.

“Do you want this?” Jorge asks her. Does she want to marry him? Does she want to destroy property when she is not paid enough attention or money? Answer to all of the above: Yes. Jorge asks for Anfisa’s patience. She apologizes for being “crazy” and claims she’ll try to change. HA. When Jorge asks her what the most important thing in their relationship is, she mumbles “money” into her water glass, then cackles, “I said love! What are you, deaf?” when Jorge looks shocked. But really, he’s smitten.

Satisfied that this charlatan is his One And Only, Jorge vows to be a better man for Anfisa. And Anfisa agrees to walk around with Jorge in public occasionally. They are a match made in hell. At least they took each other off the market for other unsuspecting idiots out there! #SmallVictories


Photo Credit: TLC