Ladies Of London Finale Recap: Dubai Felicia

Sniff, sniff. Waving our hankies at Ladies Of London as it recedes on a slow tide of broken friendships, dusty castles, and tear-stained titles is all we can do now. Season three left us with more questions than answers. Like, is Caroline Stanbury okay with Sophie Stanbury and Adela King these days? (Answer: yes, according to recent Instagram posts.) Will Julie Montagu be able to stop vibrating long enough to save Mapperton, one Made In China tchotchke at a time? Can Juliet Angus possibly survive in London, sans Caroline S handing her marching orders?

And more to the point, will Marissa Hermer’s balls-to-the-wall press junket this week work in securing her a future spot on The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills? Or at least a meeting with Lisa Vanderpump about hubby Matt Hermer’s alleged plans to open a club in West Hollywood? (Because if that sh*t ain’t transparent, I don’t know what is.) Alas, one final, painful question remains: Will Bravo cancel Ladies Of London now that two of its cast members are, well, not in London anymore? Although Marissa and Caroline S likely plan on spending summers back in the UK, that might not be reason enough to keep filming. Maybe a cast shakeup will come our way. But I refuse to accept a dire outcome yet. So, chin up, good people! For now, we must keep calm and snark on! Because this finale was a doozie.

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The clock is ticking on Caroline S’ last days in London. So she’s making the most of her penthouse living by ordering the butler to sew initials into her pillowcases and fetch her green drinks, STAT! She’s also ordering her assistant to buy her more hair and arrange a “Goodbye and F**k You!” party, because, you know. She’s Caroline Stanbury, b*tches! She may be flawed, but this chick is going out gangsta, as always.

Meanwhile, Marissa and Matt are discussing their move to L.A., which is certain at this point. Though Marissa has made London her home, the past year has shown her that family is number one – it doesn’t matter where they live, as long as they’re together. Plus, Matt needs a fresh start and blue skies. Or, so their mutually crafted story goes…

At Sophie Stanbury’s house, Adela King pops by, where she rehashes the drama at Caroline Fleming’s Midsummer’s Eve party. Adela told Caroline S what Sophie had told her about the texts Caroline had sent to Sophie regarding Adela’s questionable decisions, post-divorce. Sophie feels like she’s damned if she does and damned if she doesn’t when it comes to Caroline S. Now that she’s brokered a tenuous peace with her soon to be ex-sister in law, Sophie feels like Adela’s latest move will take them all back to square one. Adela, frustrated with Sophie’s new brand of “loyalty,” is exasperated with the entire situation.

Fritha, Caroline F’s book editor, drops by for a visit to check out the Baroness’ protein balls – and to discuss progress on her first English language cookbook (which I am totally buying because I LOVE this kooky chick!! Plus, “Cook Yourself Happy,” the title of Caroline’s forthcoming book, is just what she makes me want to do every time I see her in that kitchen). The proposal is in, and the book looks like a go! Caroline is thrilled, as evidenced by the “OMG! OMG! OMG!” hugging and near popping with excitement over the idea that her book will reach millions – and will help to defray the costs of her family estate. Maybe.

Back at Sophie’s, she and her ex, Alex, discuss shared custody and their plans going forward. They seem mutually on board with putting their boys first, but Sophie bristles at the thought of letting her boys stay overnight with Alex regularly. She and Alex also need to tell their sons about the divorce, which they agree to do the next day. Sad stuff. 🙁

Julie is helping daughter Emma pack for her post-grad trip through Europe. She can’t believe her eldest is about to fly the nest to university in Scotland right after she returns from her travels. As they drive away from the house, Julie cries (SHOCKER) thinking about how much she’ll miss Emma – especially because she calls her sugar tits (Wtf!?). Emma is all, “Okay, bye then! Good night at good luck!” Actually, mom and daughter do share a sweet moment hugging goodbye at the train station before Julie manages to pull herself together. She’s the Lady of the Manor now, yo! Does that stiff upper lip thing come along with the title as a side benny? Because she’s gonna need some o’ dat.

Okay. One of the hallmarks of this show is its bizarre battle with editing, which can be described best as one giant string of unrelated events, presented at random with no regard for timeline. In this vein, ladies and gentlemen, please enjoy Woman With Balloons By River! Juliet is celebrating reaching 100,000 Instagram followers, a testament to her burgeoning blog. To mark the moment, Juliet holds balloons in the shape of “100” above her head, bedecked in her fashionista best (which is a touch better than her usual fashionista worst). In a metaphor that is bound to unfold in the days to come, Juliet loses control of all three balloons almost immediately, and they end up caught in the branches of some wayward tree.

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Out for drinks, Julie and Sophie meet to  – what? Figure out a game plan before Caroline S leaves for Dubai in less than 48 hours? These chicks are on the CLOCK. Get ready for a game of telephone: (deep breath) Julie claims that Adela told Marissa and her that Sophie told Adela that Caroline S said “Adela chose money over her kids” in a text. Got that? I barely do, but let’s march on! Sophie denies ever telling Adela about Caroline’s texts. So, Julie suggests they use a real telephone to call Adela right now to straighten this mess out.

On the phone with Julie, Adela stands by her claim that YES, Sophie DID tell her about Caroline’s texts. But Sophie is adamant that she did NOT! Sophie says Caroline “blurted it out,” but Adela stands firm. Sophie seems to be caught in an obvious lie here, so she turns nasty on Adela to defend herself. Which is gross. She is now “so pissed off!” and tells Adela so, noting in her interview what this is really all about: Adela throwing Sophie under the bus, ready to be steamrolled by Caroline again. Because, well, she has proven herself untrustworthy. She just doesn’t want anyone to know it.

Back in Caroline S‘ penthouse, she’s preparing for her goodbye dinner with Luke, who she sadly can’t take to Dubai. Who will do her makeup and bury all of the bodies with her after this!? Caroline tears up at the thought of leaving her bestie, but her tears are cut short by Sophie’s entrance. Sophie sheds tears of her own as she tells Caroline about she and Alex telling their sons about the divorce. Caroline is sympathetic, but frankly shed more tears over Luke.

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At Julie’s, she and Adela prepare for the party, discussing the fallout that’s bound to happen if her issues with Sophie come to a head tonight. It’s a contest of Who’s More Fragile! Is it Adela, who is going through an ongoing brutal custody battle with her ex? Or is it Sophie, who’s attending fresh on the heels of telling her young boys about their mommy and daddy separating? I say Sophie wins. Her pain is fresh. However, she is in the wrong here, plain and simple. There may be no mercy in store for her, no matter what.

As for Caroline S, she plans on leaving London on “the best terms possible” with everyone tonight. HA. Lots of luck to ya, lady! At least she’s more centered than Julie, who climbs in her car with literal ants in her pants. (Did she store that dress at Mapperton recently?)

Once assembled in the beautiful space set aside for Caroline’s party, the ladies – who are all turned out beautifully, as always (except for Juliet, who decided to channel Sargent Pepper) – play nice for awhile, all kissy cheeks and cheeky ribbing. But Caroline channels her inner Dina Manzo as she reflects on Julie, who she thinks wants “to skin me and wear me alive” if she could. She’ll be glad to be rid of her Single White Female-ing ways soon.

In a side conversation, Adela and Sophie get right down to it. Both feel betrayed by the other, but Adela’s hurt feelings are mixed with confusion. Why is Sophie attacking her over the TRUTH? Sophie apologizes for attacking her, which Adela accepts. But neither address the deeper issue at hand. Sigh. Maybe it’s best left for another day.

Once seated for dinner, Caroline S welcomes her guests and tells them that no matter what they’ve been through, she hopes the group continues to be friends after she leaves. Juliet piggybacks by offering a heartfelt toast, then stirring the pot – she hopes Caroline is happy in her new life, but she will always be here for her back in London. When Adela and Sophie offer words about friendship and “honesty,” Juliet brings up loyalty, which is sorely lacking in this group. She feels extreme loyalty to Caroline for taking her under her wing as a floundering ex-pat. and she’s about to call everyone here out on their lack of loyalty to their so-called friend, Caroline.

Sophie wonders if Juliet wants a medal for being Most Loyal Friend?! Um, yeah. Probably. It would go well with her dress. Adela sighs that “the poisonous dwarf in polyester” is ruining their night, per usual. But Juliet, now fully fired up, takes the opportunity to pull Julie into the mix next. As Julie innocently hacks up some sort of phlegm ball nearby, Juliet snarks, “You’re choking because you’re so full of bullsh*t!” LOL! Okay, that sh*t was funny. Crude? Yes. But FUN-NY.

Juliet reiterates that the hypocrisy of this table is staggering. Caroline S agrees, but wisely doesn’t amp up the drama by piling on. She’s got five hours left in this country – and she needs to get out alive! Tempers die down after Caroline F sing-songs a bit of niceness, then laughs her incredibly endearing goose-honk of a laugh at Sophie blowing in Juliet’s face. What the WHAT was that all about? Whatever it was, it worked.

“I love you all,” says Caroline S, resigning herself to the fact that this goodbye dinner is in fact, goodbye. Marissa quickly announces “I’m moving to California!” out of nowhere, shocking no one in particular. Sophie raises her glass to Caroline, who she admits has “taken us all on an incredible adventure.” Caroline F looks forward to her cookbook and to yogic poses in the sun’s magical warmth. Juliet reflects on how she’s good enough, she’s smart enough, and god darn it! People barely tolerate like her. For her part, Julie is all Mapperton, Mapperton, Mapperton from here on out. Plus, JUB balls in Big Lots.

“What does the future hold for me?” ponders Caroline S. “New adventure, new life…new start.” And from the looks of her Dubai pad, which we get a sneak peek of, it’s not too shabby! Though Dubai is her home right now, Caroline leaves us with a little teaser for good measure: “But you never know when the b*tch is going to be back.”

TELL US: WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THIS SEASON’S LADIES OF LONDON? WILL THERE BE A SEASON FOUR – WITH OR WITHOUT CAROLINE S? 

Photo Credit: Bravo

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