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Oh, lawd. Well, it's happening… I'm being held hostage and forced to write recaps of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. I oughta just call these recaps: Memories Of The Mountain State: The Reality TV Homecoming Of Mary McClelland. 

So last night baby Kaitlyn nearly came out of Anna's biscuit before she was done bakin' or bacon depending on who you ask: Mama or Honey Boo Boo

Seventeen-year-old Anna started having contractions at 34 weeks and said they made her vajayjay hurt. Girl, I have got to tell you – THAT is called pregnancy. So they called 9-1-1 and raced Anna to the hospital in an am'blance. Seriously. Did the pageant mobile not have gas in it? Did Honey put spray tan in the tank? Mama yells at her not to push. 

At the hospital Anna is disappointed she is in pain and has stuff on her stomach. Well, stuff comin' out of yer coochie is what having a baby is like, Anna. It hurts a lot more comin out than it does goin' in, girl! The doctors send Anna home and she's on strict bedrest. No baby Kaitlyn yet – Mama is relieved because taking care of a premie is a lot of work. Honey Boo Boo pokes at Anna repeatedly to make sure she's not pushing out a bacon. All clear. 

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Joe Giudice has been in trouble with the law for what seems like YEARS! The Real Housewies of New Jersey star recently rejected a plea bargain offered by New Jersey prosecutors in his identity fraud case, instead opting to go to trial and plead not-guilty.  

Joe's trial date was initially set for October 1, 2012, but according to Chief Assistant Prosecutor Jay McCann it will likely be postponed until 2013. 

“The chances of it going on that day are slim,” Mr. McCann told Celebuzz. “We are going to have to get closer to the day to see if the judge will have time.”

“The court tries to give preference to cases for those who are incarcerated first,” he added. According to Mr. McCann it is likely that Joe will take the stand in his own defense and the trial will take place sometime before June 2013. 

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Giuliana and Bill Rancic have finally had their dream come true. The couple welcomed a baby boy via surrogate into the world late Wednesday evening. 

""The 'Duke' has landed. Edward Duke Rancic was welcomed into the world last night at 7lbs 4oz. G & I feel blessed beyond words…We did it!," Bill ecstatically tweeted. 

"Bill and I are blessed beyond words to welcome Edward into our lives," Giuliana told E! News. "Thank you so much to everyone who supported us along the way. We are so in love with the little guy already!"

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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New York our friend the Countess got a little handsy with a pirate. Who knew she was into role playing and kinky sex. Gag.

While it would appear that LuAnn de Lesseps dogged out on longtime boyfriend Jacques Azoulay and snuck Tomas, a pre-teen pirate, into her bedroom at a luxury villa in St. Barths, LuAnn denies the allegations. She claims that while it looks bad it was actually quite innocent and that she should never have told a “white lie” by denying that Tomas was at the villa. Remember she kept insisting it was “old Italian friends.”

“He gave me a ride home and wanted to see the house, so I brought him in. Then he left. That was it,” LuAnn insists to Life & Style.”I told Jacques exactly what happened. He and I are still in love and happy.” In fact, LuAnn says the couple who is allegedly trying for a storyline baby (should Jacques don a pirate costume to stimulate her ovaries?) are on vacation right now. Hopefully not in St. Barths!

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Whhheweee… y’alls gots somz prob-lems in the Here Comes Honey Boo Boo house! According to a report from the local police in McIntyre, Georgia they were called to the home over a suspected burglary. What on earth would they steal?! Mountain Dew? Pageant costumes? Honey Boo Boo hairs? Lawd only knows.

Apparently June and Alana Thompson returned home from their thrice daily trip to Kuntry Store for Nascar accessories to find the front door ajar. So they called the police.

RadarOnline confirmed with Chief Amerson of the McIntyre Police Department that the call was definitely made but said the police officer’s report was still pending. Luckily it does not appear that any hot rollers were harmed in the potential robbery.

The possible burglary did not deter Honey Boo Boo‘s appearance in this weekend’s Miss Sparkle and Shine pageant where I image she both sparkled and shined!

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Today in the real life of eighth graders Alexis Bellino decides to remove her extensions cut her hair short after years of Barbie locks and Gretchen Rossi insists Alexis is a copycat because she got a short haircut first! And everybody knows Gretchen is the only person in the history of the world who has ever gotten a haircut, right?! Nevermind that their hair cuts actually look nothing alike except for the blondeness. Minor details!

Alexis took to Facebook and Twitter to exclaim about her new bob and I think it looks absolutely adorable. “The NEW me! I’m SO happy! I’ve wanted to do this cut for over a year and after last season nothing scares me! Ha!,” Alexis jubilantly wrote on her Facebook Page. A photo is below!

Sadly, because this is Real Housewives of Orange County no one can be happy for her and almost immediately Gretchen hopped on twitter to retweet a bunch of comments suggesting Alexis pulled a “single white female” and stole her hairstyle. But not Slave Smiley, right?

CLICK CONTINUE READING FOR PHOTOS OF ALEXIS’ SHORT HAIR!

Today’s bitch please award goes to LuAnn de Lesseps who told a big ol’ whopper on national TV and got caught! Ohhh girl, c’mon – everyone knows Bravo loves to expose a misdeed.

Last night on Real Housewives of New York the ladies arrived in St. Barths. On the teeny, tiny plane to the island nearly everyone is uncomfortable and I was wishing and hoping for a moment straight out of the seventies spoof movie Airplane. Inflata-auto-pilot? Yes, please.

So they all landed in peace and that was about the only peaceful moment of the trip. Actually I take that back everyone got along remarkably well and kept it in check especially considering Pinot Singer AND Heather Thomson AND LuAnn were there!

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Over four seasons of The Rachel Zoe Project viewers have watched Rachel Zoe evolve from waifish, self-absorbed A-List celebrity stylist to totally demanding, malnourished, self-important business mogul and now mom. Now new report claims that the bottom is about to drop out from America’s worst boss!

It seems that last season garnered very low ratings for Rachel’s show, which focused predominately on how much she hates ex-assistant Brad Goreski and her pregnancy. Both of which really have nothing to do with fashion. You know, the real reason people even cared about the show.

A lack of viewers’ interest in Rachel’s personal problems culminating with poor sales of her retail line and a lessening of celebrity clients in exchange for focusing on her brand has Bravo execs and fashion investors worried about the future of her empire.

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