Last night was the final episode of Real Housewives of Miami. It went the way all reunions go with cocktail dress clad and overly spray-tanned women screaming at each other over an utterly useless Andy Cohen. We were spared an Elaine Lancaster appearance. We were rewarded with a Mama Elsa appearance. And we all got tired of Ana Quincoces making herself sound silly by taking repeated jabs atLea Black's age.
C'mon now – if you're gonna rip someone apart you have to be clever about it. (See: Leakes, NeNe, "Wigs" "Trashbox" "Close Your Legs To Married Men!") That's just elementary, like Housewives 101.
Things begin with a drama in review. And that unfortunate drama is Joe Francis and Joanna Krupa's reported unsavory past. Joanna clears up that she was never in Girls Gone Wild but instead hosted an infomercial with Snoop Dog. She also insists she did not "sleep" or "associate" with criminals.
Ana leaps in to accuse Lea of bringing Joe to the party as a "prop" to set Joanna up. Lea denies it, shrieking that Ana is making yet another false accusation and suggests Ana stick to cooking where hopefully she can keep her ingredients straighter than her facts. I wish Lea had said ingrediences.
Ana keeps speaking over everyone and answering for them. Annoying. Shht! The drama over the bitchslap, broom stick wielding, boob-exposing meltdown continues. Yes, let's talk about this some more. It was actually a productive conversation. Adriana de Moura apologized for smacking Joanna and she was disgusted for herself for getting physical. Apparently Adriana was depressed for days following the incident.
Last week on Top Chef Seattle, the cheftestants harvested fresh oysters and cooked for the Rat City Roller Girls. While everyone wished they could have voted Josie Malave off the Top Chef island, Bart Vandaele was eliminated for serving beyond bland food. I told those suckers that they'd regret not letting Josie sink in the mud, but they didn't listen to me.
This week's episode opens with Sheldon Simeon sharpening his knives and Stefan Richter slathering on wrinkle cream. Funny. Padma Lakshmi introduces this week's special guest, master blade smith Bob Kramer, who makes custom knives that sell for $500 an inch. That's crazy!
Bob cuts through two ropes to demonstrate just how awesome a $4,000 knife is. Sheldon begs to give him a hug; Lizzie Binder appears as if she hasn't slept in weeks; Stefan doesn't look too impressed. Perhaps Stefan would have cracked a smile or raised an eyebrow if Bob had busted out $4,000 wrinkle cream.
I'll be honest, I don't know if I'm emotionally prepared for this premiere…or the season for that matter. Of course, I can't wait…especially when we get to see a glimpse into Abby Lee Miller's love life. There seemed to be a lot scripted, but it was still flipping amazing.
The third season of Dance Moms starts with the girls and moms reunite in the parking lot after a long break during the competition season. Noticeably absent are Kelly, Paige, and Brooke. Abby is beyond pissed at Kelly for breaking up the team, but she's equally as upset with the other girls for not consistently coming to practice during their break…news she just found out having spent her break in L.A. filming her spin-off competition show. She immediately tosses the pyramid head shots in the trash because none of them belong on the top, and the girls become teary when Abby announces that she's holding an audition to replace Brooke and Paige before the group heads to a competition in Denver.
The girls are rehearsing their group number, Angels and Demons…except now it's just Angel Singular and Demons because that's what happens when people are quitters. Is it just me or when Abby describes the characters in her choreography do you think she's envisioning herself as the victim or protagonist? "This dance is about an angel who is strong, but she has all of these horrible awful bleached blonde crazies with acrylic nails demons trying to tear her apart." Give me a break! In the viewing room, Jill is hoping that she can get the other moms onboard with calling for a reinstatement of the pyramid. She hates Abby trashed it without giving her daughter any opportunity to be at the top.
It's a Dance Mom's extravaganza! Lifetime knows a good thing when it pas de bourées in the ratings, and the network is going to milk this cash cow for all it's worth. You know what that means? It means that last night you were treated to two and half hours of Abby Lee Miller and the drama mamas. It felt like Christmas all over again, didn't it?
In the hour leading up to the season three premiere, Jeff Collins returned to lead yet another reunion type show, only this time the ladies would be highlighting the upcoming drama instead of rehashing the past. Let's see how this works. Abby is wearing a lot of sequins and bling and spray tan. Taking a few questions from the studio audience, she reveals that she has a special man in her life, and the mothers are the most selfish people on the planet. Okey, dokey. Poor Jeff looks one Ambien shy of hibernation, but luckily the stage setting mirrors (literally!) Abby's outfit, so all the twinkling should keep him awake at least until the premiere begins. He is going to bring out the moms to have some one-on-one time with Abby and the audience.
Holly is the first to untangle her way through the sequined streamers, and she is wearing a tomato red number that seems to combine the finest vinyl with raw silk. Abby immediately comments about it under her breath to Jeff. Holly often gets on Abby's nerves, what with her professional demeanor and her need to analyze things. Holly takes one audience member's question, and responds with a non-answer before making a swift exit.
This week's episode starts with GG and Omid Kalantari out on a date. While GG munches on a big sausage, Omid admits that he has been partying with her friends without her. GG takes it well. GG says that her friends could combine their money, diamonds, houses, etc. and still not have enough money to buy any class, adding, "They call themselves classy… they put the ass in class."
Omid goes on to tell GG that her friends told him that he's delicious and well-behaved when he's not around GG. To the camera, GG says, "I'm shocked. For real. Take the botox away, and I'm shocked." Not that much later, GG learns more about what went down between MJ and Lilly Ghalichi / Reza at the bar, and she says the night would have gotten "so dirty" if she had been there. Yet, she's shocked to hear that her friends don't want to party with her.
Someone needs to tell GG: when life gets tough, the saying is "just keep swimming" not "just keep drinking."
Last night was the season finale of Sister Wives followed by a family interview. We watched Logan head off to college, and we were teased with a Kody Brown haircut. I can't say I'm sad to see it end…for now.
Christine is freaking out about the closings of the homes. Kody reveals that the family has yet to qualify for their loans. Um, why are they doing this again if they can't afford it? Kody and his wives head to the bank to pick out their options for their homes. One at a time, the ladies pour over carpet colors and countertops. Robyn is up first, and she's quick to make her decisions. Meri is up next, and she's already over budget. Meri is stressed about the money, but she still wants to see any potential upgrades. Are you kidding me? Kody is quickly getting frustrated because he thinks that a washer and dryer is way more important than special countertops. Meri is on the defensive, and she's over it. She leaves, allowing her sister wives to pick their options.
Last night on Real Housewives of Atlanta lots of things were exposed. Some of those things had no business making it to the light. Some things should stay tucked away in the deep, dark hole of a strip club and be buried there underneath the layers of spilled bottom shelf liquor and old glitter. But alas dirt doesn't usually stay underground forever.
Things begin with NeNe Leakes having a little come to Jesus talk with Kenya Moore. The best part of the whole scene was that NeNe kept her giant Elvis-in-the-seventies sunglasses on the entire time. NeNe tells us that her feelings on Kenya can be summed up with the word "delusional." Um – check.
NeNe wonders about what is going on with this Walter person and if perhaps Kenya missed a a few editions of Cosmo – you know the ones where they talked about how to keep a man and how not to make him run as fast as his legs can carry him. Kenya is confused – she thought throwing herself at Walter would make her more desirable. NeNe is like, 'No. You have been begging this man for sperm something so desperate it reeks of curdled milk and that is not attractive.'
Kenya she starts warbling about how Walter's behavior in Anguilla scared her because she was in an abusive relationship once and she is at the age where she needs a commitment.
Last time on Teen Mom 2, Leah Messer and Jeremy Calvert made their relationship official. Kailyn Lowry dumped Jordan in favor of getting back togeher with Jo Rivera, while Chelsea Houska agreed to give therapy a try in order to (finally!) get over Adam Lind. Finally, Jenelle Evans managed to avoid jail time after failing a drug test and met a new guy, Josh.
For reasons unknown, MTV decided to air Teen Mom 2 on Christmas Eve and began with Chelsea. Said in my best whiny Chelsea voice… uh-ugh…. Chelsea brings her orange skin, raccoon eyes, bleached-to-death hair, and frosty lips to the nail salon. Luckily, Chelsea and mom Mary have both removed their hair feathers, so there's room in the car for Aubree. Thank goodness for small favors. For a while there, I expected to see the hair feathers listed in the opening credits.
I'm elated Aubree comes to the nail salon. She is adorable and makes Chelsea's scenes bearable. I digress. While Chelsea, Mary, and Aubree get manicures, Chelsea announces that she's dropping out of therapy. She doesn't think she needs to go because the therapist didn't tell her anything she doesn't already know. Chelsea is all like, Everything she told me about boundaries and healthy and unhealthy relationships, I've already heard from every other person in my life. Basically, Chelsea doesn't want one more person – a person with a "dishing out advice" degree to boot – telling her that Ad-dumm is no good for her.