Recaps

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Seriously what was happening last night on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? Did the producers slip some hallucinogens in Yolanda Foster's virgin vodka soda with a twist of lemon? Or maybe she was just experiencing a "Lyme brain" flare-up?

We're all at the Centennial party for the Beverly Hills Chamber of Commerce's most embarrassing day. Kyle Richards was MOTOBOATING people. I mean, really…? I am quite sure the acting president was forced to resign after this party! 

Also, this was the worst collection of finale dresses I've seen in seasons and seasons. Did Kyle "Motoboating" Richards look in a mirror because that was the most unflattering slumpy thing I've ever seen her wear! And Joyce Giraud needs to teach this Splits to pageant walk. 

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southern charm shep

Holy crap! Charleston is totally going to RavenHell in a hand basket courtesy of Bravo. So, since last week, pretty much all anyone in this town is talking about is how horrible (and somewhat addictive) Southern Charm is. Well, played Andy Cohen. You are a true evil genius. My Facebook newsfeed was filled with friends who were posting pictures of themselves with these yahoos, and I couldn't tell if they are star struck or legitimate friends with the cast of this show. Is one of those scenarios better than the other? 

Thomas Ravenel calls his father to talk about a chance meeting with Governor Nikki Haley at a Yankee fundraiser and implore him to start procreating to ensure the family's future. T-Rav reminds us that his dirty political consultant Will Folks wants him to pick the pedigreed Kathryn Dennis for a bride and child bearer (spoiler alert…she is about to have his child in "real time"), but at thirty years his junior (if you go by his birth certificate and not his Bravo bio), T-Rav is concerned that she may be too immature for him. Well, she did graduate from high school in 2009, but some snooping reveals that their burgeoning relationship is totally Facebook official. The pair even thanks "Sic Willie" for his matchmaking skills on T-Rav's page. Gag. That's a relief. T-Rav is traveling to Edisto to give a polo lesson to Shep's ex-girlfriend Danni, and he's great at skeeving me out by molesting her with his eyes and talking about how comfortable she looks in the saddle.

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I'm just not sure what to think of Kenya Moore.

By that I mean, is she an evil genius or straight-up crazy? Kenya has orchestrated shade so elaborate it's like a 7-layer taco dip with extra cheese. It's deep and flavorful and frankly scary in its articulate complexity (Kenya IS Top Chef!). And there is no nacho chip to be left unturned.

Kenya has so many targets it's difficult to know if there's a safe-zone, but good lord is it crafty and thrilling to watch. If she is working at this alone, then I bow down to her as the true maestro of all Housewives. And if she's just full-scale nutty then NeNe Leakes better contact the authorities! 

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couples-therapy-taylor

AaaahhhCouples Therapy. I was promised a trainwreck and a trainwreck we shall have. Oh goody!

Kelsey Nykole saunters out onto the patio where a slurry Taylor Armstrong and a messy, sloppy Liz and Jon Gosselin are talking. Kelsey drops the bomb that she's never masturbated. 

Liz and Taylor are shocked. "That's part of my repertoire," announces Taylor. Lovely. "I'm an expert," says Liz who decimated Jon in an earlier episode for "beating off". Hypocrite much? 

The next day Liz and Jon have a little gift for Kelsey – it's her very first vibrator! Surprisingly it did not come from Farrah Abraham's line of sex toys. She wasn't passing out goody bags?! Oh but wait – she was forced to make those vaj-molds and videotape herself doing it! Cause we all want a keek of Farrah's crotchal region covered in plaster! I don't know what's a grosser vibrator association: Jon or Farrah

Moving on, Taylor is struggling with parenting. "I don't parent," she slurs at the camera before course correcting to explain she doesn't set boundaries. #FreudianSlip Kennedy comes to the house the next day for some quality time with this woman who people say is her mom. Taylor greets Kennedy with villainous laugh that lasts about 5 minutes. In return, Kennedy shoots Taylor dirty looks that could melt a lip-plant. 

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tm2-recap-adam-paislee-aubree

Yesterday on Teen Mom 2 there was wedding drama, bad hair, baby daddy drama, and Jenelle Evans continued to be delusional. You know, same old! 

Kailyn Lowry is having wedding drama and is a complete bridezilla. She's also a wifezilla, a babydaddyzilla and probably any other kind of 'zilla you can think of. Combining 'zilla tendencies with Snuffy moping nonsense makes Kail unbearable. Stay off my TV until you've had this baby because you are an emotional wreck, Kailzilla! 

Kail has like 9 bridesmaids – one for each month she's pregnant! – including Javi's sister and his sister's friend. Unfortunately since Javi's family probably doesn't like Kail, Javi's sister and friend aren't super motivated to participate in wedding planning. Why would you have your husband's sister's FRIEND in your bridal party? Weird. Kail claims they don't want to spend any money on wedding stuff and they don't want to do super-fun stuff like sit in someone's kitchen to test hairstyles while Kail Snuffys along. 

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dance moms hobos

How much longer is this show going to be on? I remember that the last season of Dance Moms seemed to go on forever, but I honestly don't know how much more I can take of Abby Lee Miller. Last night, she gave Chloe a bit of a reprieve while she focused most of her ugliness on poor Kendall. These girls are not okay with this abuse. Sure, there are a few scenes here and there that make me think parts of the episode are totally scripted, but Kendall's tears were real. The defeat in Chloe's eyes was real. The look on Nia's face that made it quite clear she couldn't stand her dance teacher (loved it!)…that was real.

Before the pyramid, Holly invites Abby and the other mother's to come to her book-signing party for her affirmations. Abby reminds Nia that dance should come first and insinuates she should get credit for ideas behind the book. Abby wonders if her affirmation "silence is golden" will apply when Holly learns that Nia is at the bottom of the pyramid. That's the face I'm talking about, Miss Nia! Kendall follows, and while Abby couldn't find anything wrong with Kendall's performance she wants to punish her for her mother questioning why she wasn't featured in the group dance. Maddie is third from the bottom because she wasn't at the competition, but Abby is still proud of the job she was doing in L.A. Am I wrong or does Abby usually put other dancers who are absent in the last spot? Chloe is in the third spot, and Christi can't believe that Abby gives her daughter even the smallest amount of praise. MacKenzie is second with Kalani topping the pyramid.

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Last night was the second episode of Private Lives of Nashville Wives. The ladies continued to get to know each other and already the bitchy claws are coming out – southern girl style for some and full-fledged Real Housewife in training for others! 

Cassie Chapman and her husband Gary have had their share of struggles – most notably their inability to have a child. The couple finally decided to adopt their daughter Eva Rose. Unfortunately birth mom Chelsea has ten days to change her mind and seems to be wavering. Cassie is on pins and needles, but Gary trusts faith and believes, "The more you anticipate the good, the better it will be."

To take her mind off the stressful situation Cassie decides to visit Erika Page White. Erika is a control freak and a micro-manager who invites Cassie over to tour their immaculate to the point of boring home. It is literally like one of those extended stay hotels except 4x the size. Everything is beige and bland. Even the master bedroom features rent-a-center style dullsville furniture and no personal touches. Erika describes "perfect" as a closet that is completely empty and "echos". Her hallway closet has one thing in it: a Dyson – and definitely NOT the purple Dyson Pet, the classic yellow for impeccably clean people. 

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rhobh-recap

Last night the ladies of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills ousted Lisa Vanderpump from Puerto Rico and bonded over how awesome it is to have the reigning queen off the island. Temporarily they're all getting along until the jockeying for position resumes anew. I think it's safe to say Kim Richards is out of the running. 

In Puerto Rico all the ladies meet for breakfast where Joyce Giraud has dressed in what is in her approximation casual pageant gear. Aka, a maxi dress with sparkles and spangles that weigh more than she does.

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