Things begin with Heather Dubrow strolling into Tamra Barney's hovel, running her finger over a dusty faux finished surface and chirping "This is… nice!" Afterwards she took several showers in Lysol and asked her assistant to burn all the Chanel that sat on the Pier One Imports clearance chairs. 'It was horrible,' she bemoaned to her therapist later that week… 'The napkins… they were POLYESTER!'
Anyway, Heather is there to discuss the Terry issue. See Terry … well, he just sucks but Heather guesses she'll forgive him. Something about seeing Tamra's little house in a subdivision, filled with sub-par finishings, and a pantry that only one person can fit in at a time made Heather see the light. Yes, yes… Terry may be annoying and corny, but good lord she's not on her third marriage to a third wealthy imposter. Looking on the bright side!
Jeff and Blair head to historic Savannah, Georgia for their ceremony, and the couple is hosting a red, white, and blue party. For patriotic Blair, the Fourth of July is almost as exciting as Christmas. Friends toast the happy couple, and uptight Jeff is trying to enjoy the evening while having a touching talk with Blair's mom.
Tina and Tarz head to the gynecologist to talk about fertility. Tina is disappointed that her doctor seems so young, and she is perplexed that the gynecologist isn't buying into her theories about how to up her chances for having a girl. The doctor is extremely intense, but I can't tell if she's joking when she tells Tina she's on the verge of being very old. She instructs the couple of the three times they should have sex each month. Only three? Tarz is disappointed.
Last night's Love & Hip Hop Atlanta was especially hilarious. While we weren't treated to nearly enough of Joseline Hernandez' one-liners, we did get to witness the most backwards and ridiculous job interview I've ever seen. K. Michelle proved yet again that she's not at all homophobic (cough, cough), and we got to meet Lil' Scrappy's amazingly normal dad. I wasn't expecting that at all!
Mimi Faust is meeting up with Stevie J. to talk about their daughter, but of course, he wants to know all about the Stevie knock-off she's dating. Why does Mimi act so suprised that he isn't able to have an adult conversation? Stevie gets offended that Mimi doesn't like their young daughter around the inappropriate Joseline, but it's nothing he can't get past with some smooth talk and a shot of liquor. What do these women see in him? He reminds her that beside their daughter, they also share a matching tattoo that will bind them together forever. Is he for real?
It turns out that Traci is friends with Shay, so the pair are lunching and chatting about the Lil' Scrappy and Erica Dixon situation. Shay wanted to pay back Scrappy for his behavior, but she's tempted to just be happy that he's happy. Traci agrees that the latter is the better route. She's spent so much time plotting and slashing tires and beating up girls in the course of her time with Drew, and she tells Shay it's better just to let time heal all wounds. Shay is not quite convinced, and I am officially scared of Traci.
The "fierce, fabulous, and fun-loving" Quad is Mariah's best friend. She's basically the queen bee in training and some call her Mariah's puppet. Mariah refers to Dr. Jackie as Dr. Gandhi, adding that she's always prim, proper, and lady-like. Dr. Simone's less than glowing review goes something like, she's always in your face with a vodka in her hand. How insulting. This is going to be a very long hour.
Welcome to the scripted reality television land of Wigs N Cigs where a 40-something 35-year-old woman has never heard of an IUD and can't get along with her parents to save her life. If you were confused for a second; nope that's not Brielle's storyline – it's Kim Zolciak's!
On last night's installment of Don't Be Tardy, Bravo seemed to prove that the only reason Kim got a second spinoff was to exploit the legal/custodial drama happening with her parents because other than that this show has ZERO going on except for completely fabricated and ridiculous plots.
So Kim and Kroy Biermann take a walk in the woods and decide they are ready for a third child. I mean what else does Kim have to do; she doesn't work and she has two nannies for her other two kids so she can basically sit around and be prego, ensuring her investments will grow and grow. I believe they call that an "installment plan"? Ask, conceive and receive!
Real Housewives of Orange County was full all about actors last night. Except the only person who was legitimately doing any acting was Heather Dubrow. And no – she wasn't acting like a biatch this episode. Oh wait… yes she was but not as part of her real life, but as part of a role she was hired to play. But not for Bravo. AAAAHHH! I'm so confused…
Things begin with a blast from the past. Gold digging expert Lauri Peterson is resurrected to give Tamra Barney a little advice on making marriage number three last. Third times a charm, eh! They meet up at a jewelry store and Lauri looks great. All three of her children are doing well and good for her – hopefully life is going smoothly.
Since Lauri and Tamra were never really friends they resort to talking about someone they have in common: Vicki Gunvalson. Tamra fills Lauri in on how post-divorce Vicki is like soooo delusional and dating a loser. Lauri snickers and chooses this time to remind Tamra about how Vicki broke up her marriage to Simon. That's a great thing to be discussing while you're choosing a wedding ring for your third betrothed. #ManEaters
Tina is extremely dramatic regarding her biological clock, jokingly threatening suicide if she can't get pregnant and accusing Tarz of having lazy sperm. It's a bit much, and by "a bit," I clearly mean it's ridiculous. However, I do feel badly when she gets a negative result on her pregnancy test because she is visibly upset. Meanwhile, four weeks into their marriage, Kathryn is freaking out over a positive test. She's teary, and John is over the moon. He can't wait to tell everyone they know.
Traci is going to meet with Drew to talk about their recent blow-up, and she calls them a "family." She reveals that she was so in love with Drew, but I don't think she needs to be using the past tense. Traci gives a little history on their past before dropping off Little Drew with the baby-sitter. Over lunch, she tells Drew that she deserves better than seeing him with different girls and groupies every night. He reminds her that they haven't been a couple in seven years, because she clearly thinks they are still together. When Drew straight-up says he just wants to discuss her investing in his sneaker boutique, she storms out of the restaurant, promising to give him her money once she's calmed down. Yeah, that sounds like a great idea!
Mimi Faust is on a date with her new boyfriend Nikko. She reveals that he's a blast from the past, and she hopes that he will understand that she comes with baggage…in the form of Stevie J. Nikko realizes that everyone has skeletons in their closet, but his aren't haunting him like Mimi's are. Mimi admits that Stevie has given her some major trust issues, and she's worried that Nikko is a music producer like her ex.