It's always odd to refer to reality TV as too much reality but last night's episode of Real Housewives of Orange County was like watching a high-gloss, ultraglam version of Intervention.
Vicki Gunvalson needs a serious wake-up call and unfortunately being called out on national television by her daughter and close friends wasn't enough to do it.
Here let me try to help: Vicki – BROOKS AYERS is a loser. He's using you. He's gross. No one likes him for a reason. Please dump him, get a restraining order, and then get thoroughly STD tested. Hey that's just my advice, but I think you should take it! I'm starting to think Brooks has some serious mega dirt on Vicki – is this a case of blackmail gone Stockholm Syndrome?
So everyone is pretending they like each other to head out to Arizona and celebrate Melissa Gorga's birthday at some spa retreat. Melissa isn't feeling too good – I think what Melissa is coming down with is a bad feeling of impending drama…
Before everyone packs up their sequin-sucking chuckalina bathing suits, Teresa Giudice is doing a cooking demo at the mall for the 85 & Older Club. I mean seriously, yeah spinach will probably save your life but you likely have to start eating it before you're eligible for AARP.
Kathy Wakile shows up to support whatever it is Teresa is doing with olive oil, bread, and loud rambling. I remain focused on her hair. It's literally a hair helmet (hairmet?) at this point, all plasticy and just perched there. I'm perplexed. So is Wallpaper; she's confused about how all of the sudden Teresa is absolved of her sins? Kathy tells her, 'It's not like a sponge, Tre, you can't just wipe it over the mess with some kitchen cleaner and have it be gone. This is like a big mess – like you need a hazmat team, but hey – let's go heal on another Vacations By Bravo. Free shit is free shit, right?!' Cannoli and Wine for the Jersey Woman's Soul by Kathy!
Sometimes I just want to see Kody Brown's hair blowing in the breeze when I watch Sister Wives. I don't want to hear Meri whining or Christine jabbering on about the family's mission statement while Janelle quietly plans her mistake. I certainly don't want to be treated to a little ditty about Robyn's first sexual experience!
The cul-de-sac compound is in full swing, and all of the children are excited to be in such close proximity. Kody's hair is more feathered than normal, and he's looking forward to the first family church service in the new homes. While Kody leads his family in a lesson and has asked his wives to contribute. This week, Robyn will be dishing on chastity and sexual purity. Perhaps that will wake up the teens who are nodding off during Kody's service.
Last night's Duck Dynasty got back to the roots of why I love this show so much. It wasn't super scripted, but it was hilarious, wholesome, and fun to watch. The episode followed Willie, Jase, and Si as they gave Martin a good-natured ribbing over a member of the opposite sex, and Phil was able to spend some quality time (even if he didn't ask for it) with some of his adorable grandchildren.
The Robertson boys are fishing, but Si's singing seems to be scaring off all potential catches. As Phil so eloquently puts it, "If fish were vampires, Si would be garlic, daylight, and a stake through the heart simultaneously."
The men plan for a poker night, but Martin bows out quietly. He's got a date! I'm kind of excited to learn this news because it means that Martin is still on the market. Call me maybe! Willie jokes that he's known Martin for ten years and he's been on one date…if Willie is being generous. Jase inquires as to whether Martin found this girl in a mail-order bride catalog.
I am so confused as to what Lifetime is trying to pull with this season of Dance Moms. Not only has it lasted almost a decade already, but Abby Lee Miller bounces on and off the show like hyper kid on a trampoline! What is going on here?
Last night's episode began as Melissa busts into Abby's house and she's decked out in a bathrobe and a towel. Abby's mom isn't doing very well, and she may not make it to the pyramid again. Melissa shares that Maddie misses her dance teacher, but Abby is adamant that her needs come first (and I don't blame her with a very sick mother). As Abby shares her hardships, Melissa is in tears…but Melissa is promised that Maddie will be dancing a solo at Nationals.
I just can't figure out what's going on with Real Housewives of Miami. It's like in a desperate bid to be as good as all the other shows, they scrambled to switch everything up – giving me no sense of security here.
On top of that, I think I'm Weddings by Bravo'd out. I mean on top of Tamra Barney and NeNe Leakes' big spinoffs we're now inundated with Adriana de Moura and Joanna Krupa planning weddings and bickering about weddings and out-weddings each other and weddings, weddings, weddings… Maybe we can just pull a Sister Wives, lump all the Bravo brides together, and throw them with one man. I nominate Andy Cohen to be tied to these broads for life. Payback's a bitch!
So last night Joanna and Romain Zago had the big talk. You know, the prenup one. In a pseudo intimate moment in which Joanna's minimalist makeup was applied to perfection, they had breakfast in bed and argued, over freshly cut fruit, that Romain was going into wedding planning by planning his divorce. Um… he's agreeing to marry JOANNA.
This is going to be good, y'all! The mean girls are back with tagalong Suzie Ketcham trailing not far behind. It will be interesting to see if Evelyn Lozada, Shaunie O'Neal, and Tami Roman can keep their promise to keep tempers in check. Newbie Tasha Marbury is also going to be thrown into the craziness, but not this week. Of course, first VH1 needs to explain away Ev & Ocho.
A bittersweet melody plays as we're treated to a photo montage of Evelyn and Chad Johnson's wedding peppered with redacted police reports and Chad's mugshot. A somber Evelyn tells of her brother-in-law's death two days after she learned of Chad's cheating and the subsequent head butt that left her with several stitches in her forehead. She feels like people blamed her for ruining Chad's career. Is this Basketball Wives or the lead in for a 20/20 special?
I dunno what you call that sort of cry where no liquid emanates? I mean is it all the botox? At the very least I would expect wine to come out 'cause all they consume is wine. Well, that and bulls#*!.
So much happened last night – where to begin…
Well, let's all get this out of the way: Alexis Bellino talked about JIM BLOB's man part. It was the most awkward 2 minutes of television ever! She tripped and stumbled over a forced non sequitur about how he wears a size 14 shoe if you know what she's saying… EW! So that's how things started and if you can believe it they went downhill from there!