This week's Shahs of Sunset was insane. Bravo gets the ick – MJ's sex tapes – out of the way first thing. We pay for this later.Mercedes "MJ" Javid seeks professional help to recover the missing files from her computer. She worries the young, hot computer guy will copy her sex tapes. He finds the files – not a cold chance in hell he enjoys it, let alone copies them.
Next,Mike Shouhed meets with old Vegas friends, Big Baller #1 and Big Baller #2. Their office building is nice and shiny but rather empty inside – much like their secretaries. The Ballers, who finance real estate deals, offer Mike a job as their broker. He promises to think about it, adding, "I want to show everybody a big middle finger, to the entire world and say, 'HAHAHA, I'm the richest.'"
Asa Soltan Rahmati meets with a party planner friend to go over details for the Diamond Water launch party. Not much to see here. She complains about the lack of gaudy gold accessories – yet the whiners on House Hunters never stop complaining about gold this, gold that – and requests a Diamond Water bottle ice sculpture. Asa also reveals she's planning a family reunion in Turkey.
As always, we start with the pyramid and a hefty dose of insults about the group's third place finish. Abby will not be embarrassed in front of the Cathy and her purse slapping Candy Apples. Peyton is the on the bottom for her tearful hair tantrum. She should be a role model and not a baby. Brooke follows for missing four counts of the group dance, and Nia is third for the bottom for slipping out of her aerial and not placing in her solo division. McKenzie rounds out the bottom row for being too rambunctious in the dressing room. Paige is last on the second row for being good, not great. Ditto for Kendall. Chloe beams when she's second on the pyramid, and it's no surprise that Maddie is in the top spot with ridiculous praise. Kendall and Chloe get solos to prove which one is truly second to Maddie. Maddie gets to rest this week…Abby is tired of her star student carrying the entire troupe. The group number is called "Just Another Number" to remind the girls exactly what they are in the studio. The girls will be dancing as Maddie's clones. Abby hopes to find more Maddie clones at her upcoming open call.
The mothers are in the viewing area, and for once they are in agreement. The theme of the group number sends the wrong message to their daughters, and third place isn't going to cut it against Cathy's dancers. Holly hopes that placing so low the week before will humble the girls into working even harder. In Ohio, Cathy is excited to have choreographer Blake McGrath compete with Abby's lyrical numbers. Black Patsy's daughter is looked over for a solo which goes to Miami's Lucas. Kaya accuses Bridgette of getting her son the dance by partying with Blake 24/7.
Yesterday we celebrated a day of extreme national significance. A day that brings attention to the very important cause of narcissism and immaturity. It was Stassi Schroeder's birthday and if I had a dollar for every time I heard that on Vanderpump Rules last night…
Stassi has invited everyone she hates and semi-likes to celebrate her birthday. She invited Scheana Marie in the six seconds they liked each other, but now she regrets it. She did not invite Jax Taylor, so he invited himself. Hey – I'd invite myself on a Vacation by Bravo, too!
Every 15 seconds Stassi gets out her bullhorn and police baton to announce its her birthday and demand people have fun her way or else she'll beat them. This continues throughout the entire episode…
Before leaving,Lisa Vanderpump takes Peter Madrigal out for tea. Peter admits he's going on the trip for the free booze and for the opportunity to laugh at these people. And there will be girls in bikinis too. Lisa seems hesitant to let him go – her only decent employee!
Things picked up at SUR where Brandi Glanville and Joyce Giraud were bickering up a storm about everything. If you could interpret through the litany of F-bombs and hair flips you might have heard Joyce tell Brandi she needs rehab.
All of the sudden Brandi starts tearing up and claims she just really misses her dog and needs to leave. She flees the table under the protective lemon force field of Yolanda Foster. So, now Brandi is blaming all her of her maltreatment of Joyce on a dog? I thought Kim Richards got the dog storyline this season?
Back at the table Joyce is unsympathetic. While Lisa Vanderpump and Ken try to smooth it over, Joyce snaps that Brandi shouldn't act like a "stupid little bitch" if she doesn't want people to confront her. Amen, Joyce, amen. Yolanda returns and is all "but Brandi is very sad". She's having a hard time. Lisa, visibly stressed out, calls for dessert – emotional eating time!
The longer this season of Love & Hip Hop goes on, the more I like it. Seriously. There is something inherently amusing every last one of these people, and last night's episode was no exception. Let's get started, shall we?
Amina Buddafly just can't wrap her head around the fact that Peter Gunz would cheat her. It's so shocking to think that the man who cheated with you and married you on the sly and still spends the night with his ex is actually having his cake and eating it too. I'm totally floored. She's meeting with a friend to rehash the recent events, and said friend is horrified to learn that Amina has thrown her wedding ring in the trash. Amina is devastated, as she's never been happier or felt more connected to anyone until Peter. However, she's not about to let keep Peter cheating on her for years and years…she'll just let that happen to Tara Wallace. Her friend thinks Amina looks weak and foolish even entertaining the idea of forgiving Peter.
Kenya Moore and her desperate to get screentime frienemy Miss Lawrence meet for lunch to gossip about Sav-AWN-a, as pronounced wrong by Krayonce. Kenya reveals that apparently everyone in Atlanta, or at least everyone one in Atlanta that is also on RHOA, has slept with Chuck Smith.
Kenya giggles that Chuck didn't want to put a ring on "jumpoff" Phaedra Parks, because naturally the only reason a man wouldn't want to marry a woman is because she's a jumpoff. Not because people date but don't always fall in love and then they move on. Six proposals, one hired boyfriend, and a Nigerian prince she met on gmail later, Krayonce doesn't seem to understand the behaviors of a normal relationship.
Speaking of Chuck, he invited Phaedra and NeNe Leakes to Athens to propose that they all speak at the Boys & Girls Club there because Chuck is very involved. NeNe now knows Phaedra from growing up. Phaedra reminds us Athens is a one-horse, or one Dairy Queen town, with two high schools and everyone knows of everyone, just in case NeNe forgot.
On last night's Sister Wives, Kody let the locks fly with lots of manly activities. It was slightly epic. The Browns are planning a commitment ceremony, and they are looking at different places to throw a big family event. Christine loves dropping the fact that they are polygamists to see how people react. The poor guy giving them a tour of the venue says he isn't the church or the government…his place of business just wants to make money. I never need to see Kody moonwalking on a dance floor ever again. Christine balks at the $10,000.00 minimum price tag, but Janellebelieves that it's actually a fair price for what they would be getting. Meri appreciates that some of the women don't want to have to prep or clean up as it would all be taken care of by the event staff, but it's an awful lot of money. Kody admits that he can be very stingy when it comes to his wives' spending, but he wants to go all out with this celebration. After all, he's got a reputation to uphold. Gag.
Kody's friend Brett is coming to visit, and he and Janelle's trainer are going to install wrestling mats in Janelle's garage for son Hunter. Janelle still has stuff in her garage that needs to be cleaned out, so Kody volunteers Christine's garage for the mats as her garage is spotless. Christine requests a private conversation with Kody so she can give him her list of demands in return for turning her garage into a mini gym. She wants more time with Kody and more grocery money. Where are they getting this money? Is TLC footing the bill for all of this madness? Hunter is excited about his new training arena. He thinks it's cool that his dad likes to relive his high school glory days.
Apparently Jon Gosselin & Liz Janetta join the fun later. He probably has to wait for the lunch rush to pass and get his balls from Kate's hilltop mansion before he can fly to L.A. Jon's new simpler life is so hard, you guys. So so hard.
Taylor and John arrive first. The former Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star recaps her past – she had the "perfect house" and the "perfect husband" in Beverly Hills. Taylor says, in reality, she endured six years of emotional and physical abuse from her late husband, Russell Armstrong.