It’s time for the sick, sad, dysfunctional world of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills! Thank goodness for the beautiful Tuscan scenery and the epic way Lisa Vanderpump put Kathy Hilton‘s BS on blast or else I’d be suffering from a case of Lymopause-depression! I can’t wait for Erika Jayne‘s kooky-crazy next week to infuse this show with some fun weirdness, because melo-lyme-dramatics is too much!
Yolanda Fosterneeds to break-up from “stabbing in the dark” and “playing detective,” as she refers to the menagerie of ‘treatments’ she’s trying to cure Lyme. What is making Yolanda sicker – the Lyme Disease or all the crazy she’s dumping into her body? Yolanda’s Bathrobe is becoming the new Yolanda’s Fridge, and YoBathrobe just doesn’thavethe same appeal. Lady needs to detox from detoxing, and instead of a weekly colonic to harvest tapeworms, how about a facial, a nice relaxing, massage, a bottle of wine and some My Love sexytimes! Or possibly a trip to the snooze-inducing Amalfi Coast?
Vanderpump Rules lives by its own code of ethics. That code being, if you don’t get caught it’s not cheating, and if you don’t get caught cheating with your friend’s boyfriend, you’re still a good friend. Lisa Vanderpump needs to quit re-educating with sommeliers and instead try educating her employees on HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS. Like maybe Communications 101?
Also, I owe Kristen Doute an apology. Sort of. I used to believe James Kennedy was a super-douchey arrogant jerk because Kristen is so insane, but now I realize it was just a case of Like Attracts Like. They’re both total jerks, who, luckily for everyone else, had found each other to terrorize. Now that James and Kristen have split, James is inflicting his assholery on everyone else. Tom 1 and Ariana Madix are “Adulting,” James is instead “Douchebagging Extreme!” Run Lala, run!
Is it just me, or are any of you impressed that no one was seriously injured during last night’s final installment of the Love & Hip Hop Hollywood reunion? After that crazy brawl that occurred when Moniece jumped Brandi for questioning her parental skills, Nina has the women sitting calmly back on the sofa…although Moniece is twitching and Brandi claims to just be so passionate about motherhood (hers, she’s not judging anyone else…yeah, right!) that she’s shaking from wig to feather. Moniece’s mother interrupts to say that while she doesn’t condone her daughter’s actions, she has to protect her child. When questioned about whether she wants to clear up any issues, Moniece is radio silent.
Jason Lee and Hazel-E’s beef is highlighted, and Hazel won’t let Jason get a word in, but Ray-J pontificates that everyone needs redemption on the reunion. Jason blabbers off an insincere apology for tossing a drink in Hazel’s face, but Hazel reminds Nina that he was profiting off the incident with a t-shirt slogan the day the episode aired. Brandi inserts herself yet again because she’s such a champion for Jesus, and Ray wants to know what would Jesus do. Really Ray?
Yeah, I don’t know who escalatedCynthia Bailey and Porsha Williams‘ fight, but one thing I do know is that I’m super, ultra relieved it doesn’t appear the fallout will drag on all season, and into the next, and into the next, and into the next until I contemplate throwing them both overboard into Lake Lanier, Atlanta’s unofficial morgue, without a lifejacket, so they are stuck fending for themselves amid the ghosts. Well, at least Phaedra Parks said there were ghosts in that lake.
Anyway, to briefly recap Fight Float, there are “fake as f–k” women causing “fake as f–k fights,” there are fingers in faces, then fingers being grabbed, there is Porsha starting to stand-straddle? (adjusting her position?) – I don’t know – over Cynthia’s lawn chair. Then all of the sudden Cynthia kicks Porsha in the crotchal region! Shocking, yes. But I was mostly relieved no one’s pants burst because, holy crap, I would not be getting all acrobatic and ‘Hi-Yah! Housewives’ in pants that tight!
My, how far we’ve come in just two months – or for these couples, ninety days! Unexpected twists and turns, with a little sketchy behavior thrown in for good measure, have followed each couple since their K-1 Visa clocks began ticking. From roach infested hovels, true love has bloomed. Bank accounts were drained dry, and evil prenups were signed. Dancers turned Mormon, and Markturned our stomachs. But poor, brow-beaten Alexeidid not turn into a model! So, all is not lost! This week marks the end of our 90-Day Fiance journey, where we find out if the remaining couples will indeed make it to the altar. (Post-show, the cast gathered for a “Couples Tell All” reunion, which we aren’t recapping. But sound off below about your thoughts on the whole shebang! It’s been quite a ride.)
Mark is preparing a dinner for Nikki’s20th birthday. So, no longer a teen bride! They’re leaving for Hawaii the next day to get married, so Mark wants to make sure Nikki eats food laced with plenty of Benadryl is in good spirits before their big day. Mark’s daughter, Elise, comes over to wish Nikki happy birthday, and to be skeeved out about Nikki only being one year younger than her. Still reeling from the forced prenup, Nikki is in no mood for Make Party Time, but she rallies for dinner. Elise asks if they’re excited for the wedding? Marks answer is: “Whelp, for all practical purposes, Nikki and I have enjoyed each other’s company, and it feels like a marriage.” #RomeoInMomJeans
While Yolanda is permanently convalescing – now in a condo far away from the palace of lemons lightly scented with love and sprinkled with the élan of Grammys – Lisa Vanderpump is getting her workout on. A workout for Lisa includes a personal trainer in the form of LA Dodgers player EJ Ellis.
Lisa will be throwing the ceremonial first pitch to celebrate LGBT pride at Dodgers stadium and she is super honored plus excited, but nervous.
“He’s Captain Lee (Captain Lee, Captain Lee), when you crew for him, you’re working hard as can be. Fool around, you’ll scrub the decks till three. He’s rough. He’s tough. He’s alpha to a tee. Captain Lee…he’s the stud of the sea!” Can I get an “AMEN”?!?
We learned a lot of juicy little secrets on the final installment of the Below Deck reunion, didn’t we? Captain HAROLD Lee Rosbach? Respect! The reunion begins where last week’s left off…galley-gate! Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow is still accusing Kate Chastain of boozing on the clock when the fire started, and Captain Lee reminds her that former chef Leon “Beef Cheeks” Walker said she was and then admitted that she wasn’t. One way or another, he was lying. Amy Johnson skirts Andy Cohen’s direct question as to whether she’s ever seen Kate drinking on charter by responding that she thinks all of the finger pointing is petty. Andy drops the subject and moves onto my favorite Bravo promo in the history of television. Lee jokes that his wife “has gotten a lot of mileage” out of his “alpha to a tee” persona, and the crew reveals he’s a bit of a celebrity…and his first name is actually Harold, which Andy never knew. Lee’s plethora of colorful metaphors is revisited, with “when you get caught with your tit in the ringer” being everyone’s new favorite. Rocky accuses the Captain of showing support to his chief stew and head bosun, but Amy disagrees. She believes he is there for his entire crew, and Lee is quick to respond he’d lay the smack down on anyone–even Eddie Lucas–if he thought it was necessary.
Tonight Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills season 6 premieres! Before we get into the new drama – let’s put on our Louboutins for a walk back in time through all the drama from season 5. Obviously Brandi Glanville in her Nine West pumps was trespassing! Good lord did I love last season. LOVED IT. And I just know this season will be just as good!