Last night Carlton Gebbia really let the witch out of the bag – flying broomsticks, evil spells, creepy crystal floral talismans and all!
Kyle Richards andLisa Vanderpump are friends-ish again. Well at least for the sake of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills purposes. Since Ken and Mauricio truly are friends, Kyle and Lisa decide to get together with Kevin Lee (!!) to throw a joint birthday party. Oh Kevin Lee… let's discuss what's going on atop your head: part Brillo pad, part tasered porcupine: too much hair gel, mmmkay.
As Lisa and Kyle divvy up the guest list Kyle gets all porcupiney – she just wants to know why there's gotta be teams allocating who invites whom.
UGH – let's just take a moment to discuss Kyle. Listen, Kyle was annoying me the whole episode: she kept making her little snarky comments, making everything into a bigger deal than it was, and sneaking in shade while acting like everything was fine – basically she was Splits-ing. But then CARLTON! Snarlton… SNARLTON with her Wicked Witch of The Valley complete with California Raisin face had to go all wicca-wacka and made me feel bad for Kyle. There's more to Kyle's witchiness than her fondness for flowing robes, but compared to Snarlton, Kyle is a sweet innocent.
Carlton Gebbia continues to intrigue me. I mean, she's the wicked witch of double standards. She's disgusted by her Real Housewives of Beverly Hills cast mates talking about sex and then lap dances on her MIL, does stripper pole lessons, and throws a Hustler party.
She doesn't want Kyle Richards asking about her religion, yet she talks about it all the time and puts spells on people. And she doesn't like Joyce Giraud for being fake and attention-seeking yet Carlton is allll about Brandi Glanville!
In her most recent Bravo blogCarlton reflects on the episode and explains why Kyle is fake, Joyce is annoying, and she is the greatest living human in the world.
Brandi begins, "I broke my hand on a Thursday. I had my friend who is a MMA fighter and boxer wrap it for me and was happy to go to Carlton's party on Sunday. I did not go to the doctor for a few reasons. First, I barely had any time to — and second I didn't have medical insurance at the time. I had been trying for the last year to get medical coverage, but had been turned down because of a pre-existing condition. I have two little boys to take care of and I didn't want to waste my money on myself and have yet another reason to be turned down for insurance," adding, "I now have medical insurance, and, yes, my hand did heal a little deformed. My best friend drove up from San Diego, thank goodness, because with my right hand broken I couldn't really do my hair or makeup, and so I got a helping hand from my girls."
Things begin at Carlton's house, which looks like it sits in an abandoned lot outside the airport. There's no landscaping which sucks if you're inviting a zillion people to a daytime pool party in JULY. I know why Carlton's skin looks like a dehydrated orange peel!
The whole theme of this party is "Americana" except… all the decorations came from Hustler and Carlton wore a sequined bikini from a 1992 Victoria's Secret catalog. And there were no shade tents – we Americans really like covered pavilions. Carlton ships her kids away to their grandmother's and warns them she may embarrass them, which is the understatement of Carlton's appearance on this show. Everything she does is embarrassing!
Kyle thinks Carlton should practice what she preaches and be a little more zen and loving, "When Carlton greeted Joyce and made that face behind her back, I really thought "OK, enough already!" It made me feel bad for Joyce. She comes to a party she's invited to, with a smile on her face and the hostess acts disgusted to see her. Carlton's rude comments and unprovoked attacks have grown old. She is a walking, talking contradiction. She preaches loving all Gods' creatures, not liking drama, not being judgmental, always giving people the benefit of the doubt (clearly not with me), and not putting labels on someone. . .Then her actions are the exact opposite of what she is always preaching about."
Ahhhhhh… Real Housewives of Beverly Hills where mothering is a crime against humanity because naturally that's the nanny's job. In Beverly Hills one also needs to be heavily armed and ready at any moment for home invaders. I'd be more worried about closet raiders, but you know if broke into Yolanda Foster's house I'd go straight for the Hermes belt collection. Just me?
We begin at Carlton Gebbia's house where she's hosting a party to promote naked girls. Carlton: the Playboy mansion you are not. Carlton's "nanny", who is never near children ever, which given her behavior is probably a good thing, helps choose exotic dancers to perform.
Carlton drones monotonously for the 400th time that she loves women. I am out of patience with this cougar-in-heat trying to be the Joe Francis of the middle-aged. I'm sure Carlton's daughters aren't embarrassed at allll to be seeing their mother's Sexford Wife shenanigans.
Brandi Glanville adopted a new dog named Buddy to distract her kids from Chica's disappearance. Brandi hates Buddy and complains that he wants to be near her. He peed on her bed – yeah that's annoying, but I'm sure Brandi has also peed on her bed in a drunken stupor.
True to form, good ol' Rambles meanders through her reactions to the episode.
First of all Kim tells us what an intimate and personal event Kimberly's party was. "I only invited a small group of only our closest friends and family," Kim writes. Which includes the entire RHOBH cast? "All the people that came are so special to me and have played a part of Kimberly and my lives."
"When I invited everyone, most people received evites and there were just a handful that I happened to invite myself — Lisa was one of those people," Kim writes. "I really was on the fence with who I wanted there. I had to consider the limited space and I did not want any problems or fighting on this very special night."
She begins, "Carlton asked me and some of her other girlfriends to meet up for a pole dancing lesson before we went over to Kimberly's graduation party. Although Kim and I were not super close at this point, I honestly couldn't remember a time since I've known her that she had hosted anything, so I was definitely not going to miss it. Carlton had a few drinks before our class. I was not on the same level, but almost instantly I starting feeling dizzy and nauseous. I assumed it was motion sickness from the poles spinning. But later I spiked a fever and was throwing up for the next day-and-a-half, so I think its safe to assume I caught some sort of bug and it wasn't just motion sickness." Oh girl. I was born, but it wasn't yesterday!
Continuing, Brandi writes, "We head over to Kim's and I thought it might be a good idea to grab a burger before we went in to hopefully help Carlton sober up a bit and help me to stop feeling so crappy. I feel bad I was ill at Kim's house, but it really couldn't have been helped. It was better that we didn't stay anyhow because Joyce was there in some ridiculous get up and I didn't want to have a confrontation with Miss Attention Seeker a high school graduation party."