Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Long Live The Queen


I'm going to begin my Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap with a little story. A fairytale about the queen who could do no right: Lisa Vanderpump

Many, many seasons ago Splits Richards was the queen's lady-in-waiting, but she aspired to be the queen. She teamed up with an evil stepsister named Adrienne and was exposed for talking ish about the queen and conspiring to tear her down. She even compared the queen's ruling to a mad, mad game of chess!

The queen was hurt so she built a beautiful fortress high in the hills surrounded by roses, which are very beautiful and fragrant but guard their beauty with thorns. Meanwhile the lady-in-waiting wilted and wilted until all the was left was a sad mass of yesteryear's hair. She desperately wanted a place in the sun again and begged the queen for forgiveness. The queen reminded her that she had looked into her crystal ball – Swarvoski crystal, hand-cut and cast, mind you – and realized that the friendship had never been true because once people show themselves to you, the giggy is up. 


Instead the queen found a new friend. A toadess who desperately wished to be kissed by glamour and turned into a princess. So the queen obliged. The toadess' power grew. She thought she was invincible. This made the lady very jealous. It also made the toadess very rash. She became drunk with power. She started to push aside the queen claiming she did not need her benevolence any more. The queen sensed her rebellion and stepped aside. The lady sensed her second-chance – but the queen realized, again, that they were all playing twister on a mat layed with diamonds. 

Meanwhile the toadess started to cast about; she started to whisper and work behind the scenes. She found the soft weak spots in all the ladies in waiting and she blew a potent wine breath in their direction which was intoxicated with would-be power. "It can be ours," she whispered. And soon they were all intoxicated with delusion. The lady most of all – because she wanted to be the queen; she believed in the false power of the toadess and so again she cast her lot in with the wrong group of stones. Because not all stones turn into diamonds. Most do not. 

Yeah, so basically that's what happened. Kyle threw Lisa under the bus, got upset when Lisa wouldn't forgive and forget, when Lisa finally started to forgive Kyle had decided to flip her hair in the direction of the woman she thought was the new Miss Popularity and suddenly Lisa is fake again. I'll tell you who's fake: KYLE RICHARDS AND BRANDI GLANVILLE. The problem with two people who crave power is they will eventually turn on each other again. Has the Senate taught us nothing?


Things begin with Yolanda Foster paying a visit to ex-hubby Mohamad's house where she is presented with beautiful fruits, pastries, and coffees – she eschews them all. Only almonds for her, chewed slowly for the duration of one day and rinsed down with lemon swill. I believe in some circles we call this an "eating disorder" – I guess Beverly Hills has different standards. 

Yolanda complains to Mohamed, Lisa's good friend, about how Lisa invited Mo to Ken's birthday party knowing it was the day they were using his 50,000 square-foot home to host David's daughter's wedding. How dare Lisa extend manners and courteously invite Ken's good friend to attend a birthday celebration. Isn't Yolanda Miss Manners? Isn't she always telling everyone about etiquette and working through issues and leaving the husbands out of it? I believe in some circles we call this "hypocrisy" – I guess Beverly Hills has different standards. 

You could tell Mohamed was pissed; he buttoned his lips up firm and made it very clear the trashing Lisa convo was not going to happen. Go home to your lemon orchard Yo because you're sour. 

Carlton Gebbia appears and she's wearing clothes for once and not surrounded by bodily fluid receptacles.. She pretends she's hosting some fancy party for her husband's business but in reality I'm sure David never even lets her or her stripper heels through the door.

Snarlton is still very upset that Kyle called her anti-semitic because it could hurt David's business. So, Snarlton is not concerned about lapdancing on her mother-in-law, showing off her S&M dungeon, dropping it like it's hot and tasty on the nanny, or licking stripper poles while wasted is going to ruin her hubby's business but Kyle throwing some off-shoot insult is? To quote the Real Housewives of Atlanta: "Girl bye!" 


Snarlton cries and cries about how Splits is a terrible person – and she is – but Carlton is straight up crazy and instigated by constantly playing tits on an ant with Kyle. Lisa and Ken show up to the party and Lisa quickly gets to work defending Kyle against Carlton's beliefs that she was attacking her religion. Lisa explains that Kyle really is just daft and loves attention and truly did not mean any harm in asking bout the Star of David. She calmly tells Snarlton that perhaps she over-reacted and needs to have a discussion with Kyle. As Yolanda would suggest, go get a coffee. Except we know Yolanda hasn't exactly tried to get a coffee with Lisa, probably because Yolanda doesn't drink coffee and is a hypocrite. 

Anyway, Snarlton cried, Lisa got all ummm… don't do this here; let's have a drink, and then she quickly found the door. Where they smacked right into Kim "Rambles" Richards. Sometimes I adore Kim. Sometimes she is comedic relief in the perfect form. Like in this moment, when Lisa and Ken asked her why she missed Ken's party and she put on a fake British accent, rummaged in her purse for her phone and joked that she had been in Wisconsin and here are the photos to prove it. She totally mimed the Lisa/Ken act to a tee and it was hilarious. The three of them all laughed and it was genuine and fun. 

And then a dark cloud came over the party and Kim let out a little squeak and clutched the werepuppy in her purse. Brandi, toadess of doom, had arrived and she saw Kim laughing with Lisa and pinched her lips in displeasure. Inside the party Brandi complains that she swallowed something nasty and now her throat is swollen. I believe in some circles we advise against drunken hookups – I guess Beverly Hills has different standards. #Drinking&Dating


Brandi quickly whisks Kim over to a sofa where she gets to work complaining about Lisa being a bad, bad, bad friend because Scheana Marie was serving at her dinner party. Kim agrees cause like yeah, Lisa is mean to her and nobody puts Kim in a corner except Kingsley. And Kyle. And ummmm… well she wishes Jimmy McNichol would. 

They both complain about how Lisa is manipulative and not a good friend. Were they talking about each other?

Joyce Giraud is planning a trip to Puerto Rico, which is this season's cast trip so we can all see Joyce pageant strut all over the place bedecked by sequins and hair flips and Vegas show girl costumes. Splits and Brandi go hiking together. Brandi needs to eat because she literally looked like a walking skeleton. Is Yolanda influencing her? Apparently Brandi can't think for herself and is easily manipulated as she's about to claim. 


Kyle and Brandi bond over how much Lisa sucks. Or rather how Lisa is popular and they want to steal her crown. Speaking of which, Lisa is at home playing with millions of dollars worth of jewelry for a photoshoot while Kyle and Brandi are mucking around in the dirt. You know, the fates align! 

After inviting herself on Joyce's trip even though she hates Jacqueline finds people speaking Spanish to be annoying, Brandi complains that Lisa is fake and has ditched her as a friend. Splits complains that Lisa has been calling her again. Then Brandi claims Lisa has been manipulating her. Apparently Lisa knows Brandi can't keep her mouth shut, so when she gossips about people in front of Brandi it's like she's FORCING Brandi to repeat all their secrets and spill the beans and embarrass them. So it's all Lisa's fault that Brandi almost got sued-ish by Adrienne. I believe in some circles we call this "lack of accountability" – I guess Beverly Hills has different standards. 

Kyle is like Yeah, yeah! She totally does that! She preys on weak people. And I wanted to be her friend, like it was obvious by all the times I accused her of being nefarious and evil-minded, and calculating – I was totally JUST trying to be honest about how she is but she can't take critiques. 

Then Brandi says that Kyle was right that being friends with Lisa is like playing chess with Bobby Fisher, whom I sure Brandi has never heard of because she has the IQ of an SNL parody of Celebrity Jeopardy. Then they both decide that Lisa is the smartest person in the world; smarter than all of them which is no contest, really.


Apparently Lisa is also in a mafia don who destroys people left and right, had Cedric exiled and Adrienne banished from the planet. Brandi is afraid of what Lisa will do to her. Whoa so Lisa is part Stephen Hawking/part Al Capone but in six-inch-heels which makes her even more powerful and scary. Can Lisa exile Brandi to Planet Trash?

You know what's scary how awful Lisa's so-called friends are. Who needs enemies when you have such bad frienemies! 

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