In last nights installment of Real Housewives of New Jersey it’s another round of the feud that never ends (it just goes on and on, my friends), as Teresa and Melissa engage in sister-in-lawemy behavior with behind the back comments and to the face fracas. Kathy hosts a goddess get-together to debut her catering ideas, but Teresa decides that she is the only goddess there, so the party becomes allll about her! Jacqueline and Ashley argue, and argue, and argue some more until Chris reaches his breaking point! Oh, and no Joe G-to-the-orga this episode – so happy days!

Things pick up where Hat-ley and Jacqueline left off last week. In an extremely emotional scene, Jacqueline is sobbing in the basement of the restaurant while Chris tries to console her. Jacqueline asks the questions millions of viewers have been screaming at the TV for 2.5 seasons: Why are they letting Ashley have free room and board when she treats us like crap? Exaaaactly, Lauritas, exaaaactly!


Meanwhile upstairs, Ashley’s father is attempting to explain to her why she should apologize to her mother and make some positive changes in her life. Although I’m not sure he’s the best role model, what he is saying sounds great! Ashley eventually agrees to descend to the basement to apologize tell her mother how much she sucks again, but it dissolves into another full-fledged argument between daughter and daughter mother about why family therapy failed. Here’s pretty much what happened: yelling, yelling, screaming, crying, storming out, yelling, blaming, crying, finger pointing, more finger pointing, screaming, crying, leaving – you know, typical RHoNJ! Ashley makes the astute point that because Jacqueline became a mother at such a young she never emotionally matured and Jacs just wants to be alone to ponder why Ashley hates her.

The entire time I was watching this scene I was distracted by two things: 1) Ashley’s eyebrows – they always distract me and, 2) Don’t you think it might be a good idea to LEAVE THE RESTAURANT if you are planning to spend an eon yelling at each other and running all over the establishment!? I don’t know about you guys, but I usually try to have my extremely vocal and personal fights behind closed doors – I guess that’s why I’m not a real housewife, since obviously being broke isn’t a disqualifying criteria.

At Kathy’s, a very different mother-daughter relationship is shown, as Victoria helps Kathy prepare for the middle-eastern food tasting she is hosting to pimp her new business venture embrace her inner-goddess. And who should show up but our old friend “Zen” Jen the Energist, Kathy apparently stole her from Jersey has-been, Dina. Pulling out what looks like the world’s largest joint, Jen begins to “smudge” the Wakiles, Rich announces that while he doesn’t believe in voodoo, he is glad Kathy is able to demonstrate her cooking abilities without stealing family recipes and shoving them in a book, like some people…

Ashley meets with Lauren to discuss the t-shirts Lauren hired her to design, but oh yeah, what t-shirts? Because, not only is Ashley sketch-less, she hasn’t ordered the shirts or done samples for the launch of Face by Lauren Manzo that’s only a week away! Professional, much? Ashley offers some half-hearted pleas to be given another chance, but Lauren actually cares about being something besides clubbing and fires her lazy, entitled arse; which is good because Ashley doesn’t care about the stupid shirts anyways. After losing her job as an “artist”, Ashley starts crying about her mom and how everyone hates her, but Lauren is over it. Maybe Ashley does need to move to Cali – no one in Jersey can stand her anymore.

Teresa and Joe meet with their lawyer to receive the judge’s decision from the lawsuit filed by Joe’s ex-business partner. Teresa is perturbed that Joe is actually in trouble for breaking the law and is surprised that: “You can’t trust anyone anymore.” Which is ironic coming from Teresa, so yeah, lying liars and the lies they tell…

As the attorney explains Teresa is exonerated, Joe, casually sipping espresso, seems completely nonplussed to learn that he owes 260 K. Oh, Joe if only you had lied and denied singing the paper – you know, your wifey would have – you’d be free and clear and Imelda Marcos Teresa would be leisurely buying shoes instead of facing jail time.

Now, I was a bit confused listening to all the legal mumbo-jumbo, but what it seems like to me is that: on the bright note, instead of dragging all their crap onto the front lawn and being subjected to a public auction, Teresa apparently put some of her book advance up to buy back their belongings and get the debt reduced (unfortunately it, also seems like Teresa may have also used some of that money to purchase a Mercedes SUV and a coupla furs.) Also, on the bright side – Teresa isn’t going to divorce Joe, like her Jewish friends think she should. Lucky guy! Oh, and she gets to keep all of her shoes. Yay! Ice Cream for all!

Meanwhile, in the newspapers and on the interweb, the story is out that Teresa and Joe were not completely exonerated and Joe owes his ex-partner the money from the forged loan. Jacqueline feeling insightful, mentions that you can’t run away from your problems, but unfortunately Teresa hasn’t seemed to realize that yet, as she goes along with a smile on her face pretending everything is fine. The Caroline, ever the pragmatist, deduces everything isn’t fine when you have to admit to committing a crime and owe a bunch of money you can’t repay. Jacqueline, ever the optimist, is sure Teresa will use some of her money to pay back the money, she’s just sure of it. Uh-huh. Melissa, ever the “supporter”, admires Teresa’s positive attitude despite all the negatives, and really does feel for her situation. And Kathy, ever the realist, admits she wouldn’t be able to pull off Teresa’s happy-go-lucky approach.

It’s the night of Kathy’s inner goddess in the kitchen debut – and I wish I was invited. Yum. Rich gives Kathy some Holy Water as a gift for Teresa, and advises Kathy to perform an exorcist during the party. Maybe slip it in her cocktail or something? Melissa wants to know if that will make Teresa a nicer person or if she’ll melt ala the witch in The Wizard of Oz? I think Victoria’s right – she just won’t get it and will be offended or think Rich is trying to seduce her! Melissa chooses this opportunity to, in front of Victoria, reveal that Teresa thinks Rich is obsessed with her and wants to sleep with her. Kathy, practically busts out laughing, and explains Teresa is just “coo-coo” (I implore you to think of Kathy’s visual demonstration here) – and she is trying to be positive and work past all the dramz. Well, Kathy, you are a better woman than Melissa I.

Jacqueline and Caroline arrive for Goddess Feast 2011 and toast with edgy skanky goddess, Melissa and head goddess, Kathy. After admiring all the treats (I was drooling), Caroline reveals she has traveled the world and has actually left Franklin Lakes a time or two, besides that Italian Cruise from hell last season, aka The Guidices Last Hurrah Before Bankruptcy! While waiting for Teresa to grace them with her presence talk turns to Jacqueline and Ashley. Jacqueline expresses her frustrations with Ashley’s behavior and while everyone is offering their sympathies, The Caroline keeps interrupting to reiterate what a perfect parent she is and how she wouldn’t take that from any child of hers!

When Teresa finally arrives (how late was she this time!?), the mood is tense and the food is colder than a Norwegian, you know that storm they are expecting on Tuesday. Kathy astutely observes that intelligence must be a language Teresa doesn’t speak. I thought Kathy was trying to be positive and put the past behind her? Ok, that’s probably impossible with Teresa…

Teresa is disappointed that the goddess party wasn’t over-the-top ridiculous Teresa-style and she got only a bracelet and a compliment, instead of hot guys passing around trays of food. After Kathy compliments Teresa on her ability to always look on the bright side, Teresa is worried about whether or not that is an insult. Le sigh. In the middle of Caroline and Kathy bonding over restaurant ownership, Teresa interrupts to announce she and Joe are actually opening a restaurant! She will host in her fancy finest since she didn’t have to sell it all in a designer yardsale and all the chefs will cook recipes from her cookbooks! Kathy isn’t worried about it though, Teresa can have her gourmet pizzeria and shove it! After stealing the hostess’ thunder, Teresa adds insult to injury by spitting out her food and laughing about it, cause Italians don’t eat parsley in salad. Duh!

Since this is Teresa’s dinner party, she continues talking about herself and her issues and then attacks Melissa and Kathy for befriending Kim G when they know how much she hates Kim! Melissa fires back by explaining, since they haven’t had a personal relationship in years she had no idea that Kim and Teresa were no bueno. Teresa doesn’t understand, Melissa came to Audriana’s birthday party, so of course like they’re friends, they talked last year – plus EVERYONE knows Kim hates her! Doesn’t Melissa watch the show? Trying to distract from Teresa the pettiness, Kathy introduces a surprise bellydancer! Teresa isn’t turned on though. Seriously – she does need an exorcism! Melissa, Jacqueline, and Kathy jump up to explore their closet whore-dom and dance with the bellydancers, but even a braless Melissa in her Jersey Shore Boardwalk shirt is no Ramona Singer!

Things end where they began, with Ashley and Jacqueline fighting over California, where Ashley obviously won’t fail out of school or get fired or party every night or blow through money like water. After announcing her plans to move in the spring, Ashley starts blaming Jacs for everything for the move. Jacqueline storms out of the room and suggests Ashley move out immediately, and it all descends into chaos with Chris – again – trying to mediate and Jacqueline being as immature as Ashley while the two of them scream at each other. How long were they in counseling again? I think the short answer is: not long enough! Jacqueline, extremely upset, sobs over the relationship she has with her daughter and grabs a roll of toilet paper to dab her eyes. Which, I don’t know – that really touched me. While Ashley cries into the phone with her dad, Matt, Chris, tired of the disrespect and the bickering, decides he has had enough and asks Ashley to move out right now! Without her jeep. Wow. Putting. His. Foot. Down.

Next week: Richie’s birthday gets crazy and Joe vs. Joe gets crazier!

Thoughts on the episode? Are you as tired of Teresa and Melissa as I am? Are you as tired of Jacqueline and Ashley as I am? Was Chris too harsh in kicking out Ashley?

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