Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: A Fight To The Text

On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey, Bravo offers us a different perspective on the most infamous family feud in reality TV history, and quite possibly everything is the fault of Joe and Joe. Go figure.

Arriving at The Caroline’s parents’ house in the middle of a scary dark woods, making me think this is a Steven King movie instead of an episode of RHoNJ — Caroline explains that Chris Laurita has started a mysterious new business that produces something mysterious and all the employees will be her blessed boys and some other rando nephew who will be setting up office in her parents’ old house.



The boys embark upon their first official meeting to decide what exactly this company should produce… how about a book about where poop goes? Or perhaps a breathalizer on your cell phone to stop drunk dialing. Ok, actually…I could have used that a time or two during my college years. Albie suggests they hook one of those contraptions up to Ashley’s twitter…

At Kathy’s they are getting ready for Richie’s birthday party. Naturally, the conversation turns to Teresa‘s behavior at the The Goddess Party. Kathy reveals that Juicy and Tre are opening up a fancy pizzeria restaurant, and Rich is surprised after all the bankruptcies and financial nonsense Juicy still has it in him! Kathy gives us a tip from Chicken Soup for The Jersey Housewife’s Soul: “There are a million stars in the sky, and they all shine just as bright, one doesn’t take away from the other.” She also gives Rich his birthday gift – a Giudice-free Birthday Party!

Joe and Melissa are headed to Richie’s party, and after informing her that she looks good because of all the love he fills her up with, talk turns to Jersey’s most notorious – Terrible T! Really, if I had a dollar for everytime these people who supposedly despise her said her name, I would be living in a marble mansion of my own! Melissa lets Joe know she had a lot of fun with Jacqueline and Caroline at Kathy’s and plans on stealing all Teresa’s friends until Teresa waltzed in and ruined everyone’s fun. Melissa vents about Teresa’s cooking and how her MIL is actually the only one who cooks and how Teresa is being negative about her illustrious music career. Joe deduces that If Teresa could learn to be happy for someone she would have no problems.

Richie’s Goddess Birthday Party takes place at a Mediterranean restaurant and guess who is attending – Jacqueline and Caroline! Perhaps they have defected to the anti-Teresa side… Everyone gets buzzed on hookahs and the cray-cray starts to come out. Kathy, she occasionally enjoys a few tokes here and there (riiiiiigggghhhhttt… ) to feel relaxed. Over tokes and drinks, Melissa talks about having open-heart surgery as a child and how she was only the second person in the world to receive a surgical incision on her back instead up her chest! When the bellydancers arrive on stage, Joe discloses that he really likes them. He likes them so much he wants to be a bellydancer, so he hops up there, shirt cropped, to shake his booty. And not far behind him comes a drunk hookah-ed Jacqueline, who gets a little out of control with the dollar bills, among other things. Closet Whore indeed!

Preparing for the grand opening of Face by Lauren Manzo, Teresa and Jacqueline do an outfit debrief. Teresa will be wearing a Muppet suit, and the less broke shiny Jacqueline is wearing a cute, $55 dress. How funny was it when Jacqueline told Teresa how much the dress cost and she replies: “I love it even more!” in a totally unconvincing tone. Teresa and Jacs talk Punto Cana and Richie’s Birthday party. Teresa informs us that if Caroline and Jacqueline jump ship to the Gorga side, it’s sayonara b*tches. Over wine and snacks on edge of Jacqueline’s enormous bathtub (ew!), Jacqueline expresses her frustrations over Ashley and how she will be moving out in a few weeks. The most surprising part of that scene, was not that they were eating cheese in a bathroom, or that Jacqueline (aka Chris) finally put her foot down with Ashley, but that TERESA GIUDICE WAS ACTIVELY LISTENING!

At Lauren’s premiere her family is ebullient about her success and Caroline is happy she can check Lauren screwing up off her list. Talk is all about Teresa’s Muppet suit. Holy Coat, indeed! Melissa is blinded by the bright, and befuddled that anyone would wear something so, um… freakishly vibrant… Jacqueline discovers at the very last minute, like that afternoon, Ashley got Lauren the drawing, but did not print the shirts. Ashley, pulling a Teresa, is super late. Apparently she lost her keys – and there was snow in her car? Jacqueline astutely observes until Ashley changes herself she will have the same problems wherever she goes. Teresa is happy for Jac that Ashley managed to pull through. Was it me, or did I spy a glimpse of Kim D hugging Teresa?

Teresa takes her act on the road to terrorize poor, innocent grocery store patrons with Melania’s antics. After explaining that her kids eat healthy, fresh foods her mom? she cooks everynight; she grabs a few frozen boxes of Pigs in A Blankets; I guess for the rogue nights when she isn’t there to prepare homemade pasta sauce. Teresa takes a break from not supervising her children, to call her brother Joey and invite him to her next book signing. Joe is happy he was finally invited and agrees to come – because he is supportive like that. While she is on the phone, Melania takes that opportunity to climb into an refridgerated shelf and gets stuck. Before leaving, Teresa high-fives Melania for her GOOD BEHAVIOR. Seriously. I rewound that scene to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating. Melania is seriously replacing Ashley as Jersey’s new problem child.

Melissa is meeting with her music producers and the evil step-sisters are on hand to garner some camera time offer support. Personal disclosure here: I hate Melissa’s desperate, trashtastic sisters! Melissa hops into the recording booth, with her Fred Flintstone vest, and we get to hear the enhanced version of “On Display” – and wow does her voice sound better with the effects added. Melissa talks her “celebrity” roots performing on her parent’s white coffee table while her dad videotaped. After realizing she is too hot to sing well, Melissa removes the vest and it’s a miracle the track improves. After that vest, she has no room to talk about Teresa’s Trashy Technicolor Teletubby coat. Ok, she has a little bit of room…

The New Star Group aka Chris Laurita’s new investment company is meeting with a Canadian water company that produces black water. Illustrating that they truly are the Business Social duo, Albie is nervous about how Christopher is going to handle the clients given his inexperience and propensity for humor. And Christopher just wants Albie to lighten the f*ck up about everything! The water company, owned by two sisters, has reservations about such a small, inexperienced company representing them, until Christopher reassures them and basically nails the pitch. Take that, Albie!

At the Gorga’s Marble Castle, Joe informs his wife that he has decided against attending the book signing after the text messages he received from his brother-in-law Joe G-to-the-Iudice. Apparently, Juicy, upset about Gorga attending the signing sent a bevy of texts, possibly while drunk (let’s hope) calling the Gorgas fake and threatening to break Joe’s jaw and wire it shut, among other things he also called him a f*gg*t. Keep it Classy, Giudice.

Melissa is stunned – she is not fake! Melissa, wearing her ironic camo “LOVE” hat, declares it is Joe perpetuating the fight between her husband and Teresa, but only because Teresa has “poisoned” him with her jealousy over what they have and Joe Gorga’s work ethic. Melissa also claims Teresa has created a competition between her brother and her husband, causing Juicy to resent Non-Juicy. Too many Joes here! Adding to Marble Castle war, Joe Giudice apparently sniped Melissa’s house just as she sniped Teresa’s (remember “the card”), because the first time he came over he mentioned that the rooms were really small. Joe G-to-the-Orga warns his wife one day he is going to snap and we all know what happens when he snaps: See Christening, Episode 1, Season 3.

On the day of Teresa’s book signing she is, of course, late. In the car she calls Joe Gorga remind him, but he is even later – arriving after the signing is over and she is packing up. During the signing, Teresa is proposed to by a besotted fan whose parents clearly are not monitoring his television habits enough. While waiting for her brother, the Wakiles arrive. Kathy pulls out her own copy of the book for Teresa to sign. This seemed like such a real and humble moment between Kathy and Teresa. I was actually touched. Kathy tears up about wanting the best for her cousin and wonders how things got so blown out of proportion. Kathy expresses that she loves her cousin and knows Teresa loves her too. I wish Teresa were always this normal and down to earth. It makes you wonder if Melissa has something to do with Kathy and Teresa continuing to not get along…

Finally Joe and Melissa arrive, and you could tell Teresa has been waiting and waiting. Joe apologizes for being a typically late Gorga and buys 10 copies of the book, asking Teresa to inscribe one from the heart. Teresa tears up thinking about what to write. This is pretty much the only time I have ever seen Teresa become truly emotional… and she is inflicted with ugly cry! Teresa writes that she loves her brother more than anything, and misses him, but seriously: Actions speak louder than words Gorgas! After reading the inscription aloud, Joe offers Teresa a feeble hug, but she wants a real one.

Teresa reveals her brother has changed and there is a wall up. Since everything is going well, Non-Juicy decides this is the time to tell Teresa about Juicy’s threatening texts. He wants Teresa to tell her 40-year-old husband to grow up. Teresa is shocked to learn about the texts and seems truly stupefied (not be confused with stupid). Teresa discloses her husband believes Joey Gorga was only coming to her signing to look good for the cameras. Teresa, Joe, and Melissa descend into an argument about the texts, about Facebook and Melissa being deleted, about book signing invites, about Joe, and about she and Joey’s relationship.

After she and her husband attacked Teresa at the bookstore, Melissa complains she wants the feud to end and she wants Joe and Joe to stop the BS. When Teresa returns home, her husband is drunk with friends and family. After Gia shows off some of her gymnastic moves, Joe tries to emulate with his own version of jack a** gymnastics. Unfortunately he falls on his face and chips his tooth. Gia freaks out sobbing about her father being hurt . Teresa is embarrassed by her husband and explains when Joe drinks things get out of control. We’ve noticed…

At the table Teresa informs everyone about her family arriving at the signing. Joe wants to know if Teresa was wearing the Italian Horn to ward off Maloik – the evil eye – aka her family. Teresa confronts Joe about the nonsense with Joey. Juicy espouses about hating Gorga, who is, according to him, insecure because Teresa is taller and has more hair. Defending her brother, Teresa tells Joe, Melissa is poising Joe against them. Joe, actually tells Teresa to “shut up” and listen to him before going on a rampage about Melissa’s white-trash family from down shore, who started the fight at the Christening. Yikes! Joe insinuates that Joe is ungrateful after Teresa started his business; to which Teresa claims she merely “helped.” Did I catch a glipse of sister-in-law, fellow Teresa despisee, and possible future castmate Sheila Giudice at the table?

Teresa wants to see the text messages that have started all the drama and after perusing them discovers her brother called Juicy a “stupid ass,” but in response Juicy called Joe a “F*gg*t”, among other things. Everyone at the table looks embarrassed to be witnessing this. Apparently the drama began before the Juicys were married, because Joey was friends with Teresa’s ex-boyfriend. Even though Joe got over it, new issues have arisen. Joe, adamant about his perspective, reminds all of us that he tells the truth and doesn’t lie (oh, really now?).

Teresa, interpreting the drunken crazy like a nurse in a psych ward, prompts her husband to explain himself better. Apparently Juicy feels Joey Gorga is disrespectful and a brat; and Juicy is still angry about the Christening where his mother’s hair was pulled by Melissa’s sister’s best friend. Teresa feels time heals all wounds, but possibly not this one, because Juicy declares he and Gorga will fight til the end of time. Oh, please stop filming before that Bravo; I don’t know how much more Gorgadice feud I can take!

Next week: Jo-boken arrives. A race between the Gorgadices and more fighting. Lauren gets felt up. Melania turns 5. Gia sings a song for her mom and uncle.