Celebrity Apprentice Recap: I’ll Mop The Floor With You

The two-hour long Celebrity Apprentice is finally starting to feel like its actual running time and not like slow torture. Why is this show so long? How Donald Trump managed to buy two hours on NBC during one of the best nights on television is incredible. Anyway, the show is finally starting to pick up!

The task last night was to create a “viral video” and presentation for O’Cedar’s new “Pro Mist Mop.” Finally there is a task where everyone is on equal ground, as I doubt any of these celebrities had either seen or touched a cleaning implement in a very long time. Donald Trump and the O’Cedar suits meet up with the teams at the gorgeous New York Public Library and decide on project managers.

Lou Ferrigno steps up as men’s project manager and Tia Carrere steps up for the ladies. They both kinda have to after their boardroom appearances last week and complaints about not being used. Time to walk the talk!


The teams divide up into their vans (no “cool van” this week) and immediately, Dayana Mendoza starts to yell out a list of clichéd ideas from the seat she is relegated to in the back. No one pays any attention to her, and Aubrey O’Day talking heads that she is annoying and has permanent hearing loss. Funny, many people have said the same thing about Aubrey. In the men’s van, there is a misunderstanding about what a viral video even is, but luckily, Penn Jillette gets it. Here’s my explanation: it usually involves cats.

The suits meet up with the teams in the war room. Dude Suit explains to Forte that he wants something sexy, and Lady Suit explains to the men that they want something where the “mop is the hero.” They seem much less uptight than the Buick suits from last week. Whatever the men decide, Lou will be the star. Has anyone out there tried a drinking game where you take a shot when Lou talks about stepping up to the plate? If you have, are you still alive to tell the tale?

As usual, Lisa Lampanelli comes up with the winning concept, a play on “What’s Your Number?” but about mops instead of uh, different guys. The worker bees on the team resent Lisa and Aubrey’s “clique,” but the reality is that the two of them are really the most creative and intelligent on this team.

Now, the worst part is that I think Dayana is smarter than she is given credit for. Her mid-show realization that the mop wasn’t actually in the script was a good one, but it’s too bad she didn’t actually tell anyone this except Debbie Gibson, who is just looking out for number one. Lisa has a complete freak out when Tia tries to get Dayana a part in the presentation (written by Debbie and Aubrey), but Dayana doesn’t take the bait and just leaves it alone. At one point, Dayana gets on the phone to order “red peonies” or with her accent, “red penis flowers” and I have to believe that this was a set up. But it’s the one moment where the ladies relax.

The men decide to go with Paul Teutul‘s tagline, “I’ll Mop The Floor With You,” with Lou starring in the commercial. The hint of drama during brainstorming was squashed by Clay Aiken, who stood up to Penn, who kept shooting down Lou’s ideas. Both Clay and Arsenio Hall are really distinguishing themselves as true gentlemen, which sucks for me, because I was looking forward to snarking on them. But Clay’s defense of Lou, and later on, his assistance with helping Lou pronounce his lines was just so classy, it almost felt like I wasn’t watching a cheesy reality show. As Arsenio put it, he needs to win, and to win, you have to support the leader.

Both presentations go up, and honestly, both look like straight up commercials and not “viral videos.” Did anyone on the team even watch a viral video? Can they not get to YouTube on their MacBooks? If you’re not sure what it is, go watch the “Old Spice” guy commercials, probably the most successful viral video that actually came from an ad agency. Most true viral videos are just folks goofing around on YouTube like “Chocolate Rain.” Can you tell I am a huge dork? Because I am.

Anyway, the men were applauded by the suits for their use of the mop, and the women were applauded for their presentation and use of “star power.” Back in the boardroom, both teams look totally exhausted and ready to give up. Lou immediately had it out for Penn, calling out his condescending attitude. Other teammates agreed and honestly, Penn just seemed to kind of sulk like a petulant child after Clay stood up to him. Donald asks Dee Snider to pick out the weakest member, and he picks Paul. Eric Trump is quick to point out that Paul came up with the concept, so even if he didn’t do much, it was still a huge contribution.

On the women’s side, it becomes yet another display of Lisa and Aubrey against the world. Debbie was spared since she was on their good side this week. Patricia Velasquez tries to stand up for fellow Latina model Dayana, but falls short. In the end, the men win yet again, leaving us to “watch the women self-destruct,” as Clay so eloquently puts it.

Watching the women’s team in the boardroom, it’s clear they are a complete disaster. Aubrey even points out that they are too catty and self-obsessed to succeed. And while she is self-aware to realize this, she is not smart enough to realize she’s part of the problem. When defending herself against Tia, she decided that the best strategy was to attack Tia’s age, which is a low blow. No one ever talks about Aubrey’s extensions or that she’s visibly gained weight since her Danity Kane days. So why can’t Aubrey pick something else?

The most interesting thing to come out of the boardroom had nothing to do with the show, but was instead Teresa’s admission that she uses a ghostwriter. How good was that!? Obviously, we all knew this, but it’s rare to hear a celebrity admit that someone else writes their books. To hear Teresa say, “I just wrote three books! I have a ghostwriter! I can bring you another book!” was truly satisfying. Now, if we can just get her to admit she has a ghost tweeter and ghost blogger, too!

The women continued to pick at each other like hens, and rather than pick two teammates to fire, Tia decided to give herself up and was fired. It’s always strange to me that they would rather take the fall than pick two people to bring back with them, but maybe Tia just wanted to go home. I think Tia actually stood a chance.