Celebrity Apprentice Recap: You Shoes, You Lose

Kenya Moore and Brandi Glanville drink coffee for Celebrity Apprentice

Celebrity Apprentice continues to weed-out the calm players to make room for the drama to really roll out. And like a switch being flipped last night Kenya Moore set the wheels in motion. Finally – because we’ve been hearing about how so-called vicious this season was and I haven’t seen much evidence of that lately! 

Of course, most exciting was Joan Rivers appearing posthumously as an angel from fashion critique past. Awww… Joan, how we’ve missed you and your acerbic wit. I hope Heaven hasn’t made you any less caustic. 

It’s not that I’m disappointed by the rollicking hubris of Geraldo Riverabut at this point it’s as wholly predictable as Kate Gosselin being self-absorbed and bitchy. #BeenThereDoneThat! I’m starting to believe Geraldo is losing his touch because he’s been on the losing team two challenges in a row! Geraldo… don’t rest on your laurels!


CA is once again split into 2 1-hour episodes, which I’m both grateful for, and also annoyed with because a lot of the planning process and implementation is cut-out to make room for boardroom shenanigans so Donald Trump can feature more footage of himself stroking his own ego. In the first task the teams must create a mobile Nordstroms to sell Ivanka Trump‘s new shoe collection, which is meant for a younger, millennial client. 

Kenya immediately decides to step-up as PM, and while I was prepared for Brandi Glanville to start mainlining wine and causing problems, she was apparently heavily sedated on xanax after last week’s panic attack and toed the line. I can’t tell who was more disappointed: Donald, the viewers, or Kenya. Sometimes Brandi is smarter than she regularly acts, such as not giving Kenya the satisfaction of getting her fired. 

Meanwhile Vivica A. Fox was forced to step into the role as PM for the second time because Shawn Johnson is too whiny, immature, and lazy to take her turn. Vivica’s side-eye is also making this show worth watching. Shawn doesn’t feel prepared to take-on a marketing challenge. Nor is she prepared to take-on Vivica!

Sig Hansen decided to finally make his presence known by complaining that these “girl challenges” are a threat to his masculinity and he’s lost his penis somewhere between the pages of Cosmo and a box of Luvo diet cuisine. We can always count on CA for misogyny! Needless to say, Sig won’t be stepping up as PM in this challenge because shopping is women’s work, case in point when Donald shaded Ivanka’s success in her “fashion thingies.” 

Kenya decides to create a  traditional Nordstrom’s atmosphere featuring a baby grand piano, a chandelier, and an outdoor shopping area that mimics the store’s shoe department. She also had the great idea to take photos of all the shoes and upload them so shoppers can virtually peruse the designs. Kenya gushes about her genius in creating the slogan “Power up your sole.” She tells everyone over and over that “sole” is a double entendre because it references “soul” but is spelled like “sole.” Leeza Gibbons was one second away from smacking Kenya with a shoe and hissing, “I’ve got an Emmy bitch, I get it!” Other than the chandelier and the piano, that seemed to be the only thing Kenya focused on and the team floundered to figure out what their concept was. 

Kenya needs to do less talking about how amazing she is and more leading the team to create a cohesive concept. Or maybe the concept is: Quick- put them to sleep them with the totally modern piano muzak, then when they bump their head on the chandelier we’ll charge shoes to their credit card. 

Kate Gosselin is annoyed with Vivica's leadership style

On Team Vivica, Geraldo pontificates at length on the multiple uses of the letter “I” – for “Ivanka” and how they can create a multitude of slogans based on “I am…” ending with “I am Ivanka.” How about I am… asleep because that concept is so played-out? Since no one feels like arguing with Geraldo or hearing a story about how working in conjunction with Steve Jobs in the secret hidden igloo falls of Iceland he created modern typography based around a tribally oriented letter I, which before Geraldo’s brilliance did not use a dot to punctuate its lowercase annotation. Feeling beleaguered by Geraldo does give Shawn the idea to create a coffee shop cafe inside their truck to inspire women to recharge with a cup of coffee. The truck will be like an luxurious dressing room. Vivica is incensed that Shawn has great ideas but is too lazy to be PM.

Kate doesn’t get it. What does coffee have to do with shoes, she wonders? Kate – even Costco has a cafe, clearly this is not that foreign. Kate is assigned the task of shopping for materials with Shawn and Sig, an outing for which Kate takes too long, because the only thing Kate ever does on this show is shop for eons (couponing is time-consuming), manage time poorly, and whine to “Mr. Trump” in a high-pitched breathy voice meant to convey revere and innocence. 

Vivica and Geraldo realize the truck is way too small to accommodate a cafe so they reassess and decide on a coffee bar outside the truck. This makes no sense to Kate and Shawn, who resent that the idea has changed and they weren’t consulted. For an Olympic gold medalist and a mom of 8 they sure suck at thinking on their feet. Upon returning to the site, Kate and Shawn sit on some sofas, where, bitter over being “left-out,” Kate announces she is bailing on a “sinking ship” instead of trying to help improve things. Shawn just says, “yeah…” then lays her head down and goes to sleep, because that’s all Shawn ever does. Has she been sneaking into Brandi’s xanax stash?

The day of the challenge, Leeza and Brandi do most of the set-up and Brandi bemoans their lack of a project manager, but there she is Miss America – errrr. USA – dealing with the chandelier! At least Kenya had a lot of enthusiasm. 

Joan Rivers sizes up the competition on Celebrity Apprentice

On Vivica’s team, they pass out flyers for a free cup of coffee with shoe shopping. Joan loves what Vivica has done, but worries someone – someone like herself – may take the coffee and run. On Kenya’s truck she almost knocks her wig off bumping her head on the low-hanging chandelier.

In the boardroom, Ivanka praises Kenya’s team for focusing so much on the product and for the virtual slideshow of the shoes. She also liked their slogan, but she thought the foot massage was gross and all of it was too old-fashioned for the target audience. Ivanka loved Vivica’s cafe experience, but was disappointed the shoes were only inside the van, although she loved the display and how it had a more youthful vibe. Ultimately Kenya’s team won for making it all about hawking Ivanka’s product. 

Kenya Moore is excited by her Celebrity Apprentice Win

Kenya’s charity is Detroit Public Schools so we know how she donated that $20,ooo! (although she did Tweet out that she gave $20K and Donald/the show gave $20K, so $40K total)  “Crown Me! Crown Me! Crown Me!” Kenya cheers backstage, twirling in victory. 

Vivica blames Shawn for their loss. Vivica was just so tired from being PM twice. Geraldo piped up that he is not fatigued, because he has had his heart injected with youth serum procured after combing the jungles of Bora Bora for weeks and fighting-off several rabid squirrels. Kate whines and acts like she deserves extra treatment just for participating. I mean she DID purchase flowers (and according to her, she “rescued” Vivica’s entire decor from going off the rails). 

Vivica gushes about the beauty of Ivanka and how she was their inspiration. Donald beams, Ivanka looks uncomfortable, and Joan smirks that Vivica will cut a bitch: strong female dynamos stick together; whiny girls go home! With that Shawn is fired for acting like a 12-year-old and Vivica is gunning for Kate next. 

For the second challenge, the teams must create a viral video to advertise Chock Full o’Nuts’ new single-serve coffee. Although I was surprised Brandi, being an expert on nuts (double entendre there!) didn’t volunteer to be PM.  I definitely think Chock Full Of Nuts should be the title of her next book. Instead Leeza is PM, facing-off against Lorenzo Lamas. Both of these two people are way too professional and thoughtful for this show. As Leeza will later demonstrate when Donald learns she has won an Emmy and he basically berates her for the fact that he has not won one. 

Geraldo Rivera is chock full of nuts!

Once again, Team Vortex makes the error of allowing Geraldo to lead their concept, inspired by his humming the CFoN jingle. Geraldo has been drinking CFoN since it was first created – don’t ask him when that was, as a lady never tells their age – and it is the finest coffee a millionaire can buy! Their video will focus on the evolution of CFoN starting with a black & white scene of Geraldo and Kate playing a 1950’s couple drinking it how it was first prepared, then fast forwarding to today with Geraldo dressed as The Monopoly Man dancing FlashMob style through the streets rapping about CFoN until a gaggle of women jump in shaking coffee cans. This is in color – the color of corny. Geraldo gushes this was the role he was born to play! An aging, out-of-touch millionaire humming corny jingles and shaking a stick in mid-town Manhattan? HA!

Poor Lorenzo confused Geraldo taking their video viral with Geraldo being a virus we cannot eradicate.

On Team Infinity, they decide to play on the Kenya/Brandi feud. Johnny orders from an outdoor coffee cart, served by Ian, and notices Kenya and Brandi fighting over a cab, but their imaginations will transport them to a bedroom where Kenya and Brandi are rolling around in bed. Then I-an and Johnny will also be in bed, with cups of coffee, the slogan being, “Now that’s nuts! Chock Full o’Nuts” as they cheers coffee mugs. Leeza is worried it is too risqué but decides to take the chance being that it’s a viral video, not a real commercial. 

kenya moore brandi glanville feud on celebrity apprentice

Brandi and Kenya don’t really want to cooperate, but neither wants to be fired on account of the other, so they both tuck their nuttiness and play along. They are far worse at acting like two women fighting, than they are at actually being two women fighting. Don’t quit your day jobs, Housewives! During the faux argument Brandi got carried away and threatened to beat Kenya “like Porsha did.” Kenya seethed that Brandi “goes too far. I don’t get into personal attacks. She just doesn’t know how to behave.” Moore on that later… 

Kate in costume on celebrity apprentice

Of course, Kate takes forever getting ready which delays shooting and puts Vivica on the warpath. Kate insists she is stealth-like in her approach to things while Vivica is just trying to seem busy and important. Lorenzo doesn’t bother correcting Kate. Sig does… nothing? I think people forget he’s even there because no one even mentions that he should get fired in the boardroom, even though he basically wandered around sticking a 5-year-old Canon point & shoot in people’s faces.

On Leeza’s team she is forced to contend with Geraldo 2.0, I-an. I-an seems to think because he was the most boring character on 90210 40 years ago he is an A-lister with copious experience directing and creating a commercial. He insists Leeza reshoot his stupid coffee carafe scene dozens of times, then when he does the takes of Brandi and Kenya fight he doesn’t get enough footage – even though THAT is the theme of the commercial. 

During editing, Ian is snappish about how he needs to get “his cut,” while Brandi reminds him they need to have more focus on the product and LESS focus on I-an. As if, Ian sniffs, as if anyone wants to see less of me! It turns out, shockingly, that Brandi was correct and that was a main complaint the executives had. 

In the boardroom, Donald expresses surprise that Kenya and Brandi managed to get along. For now. So Kenya, who does not get into personal attacks (Does she forget things are filmed? Things like RHOA?), states: “I’m a professional, so I’m going to do what’s asked of me, but I found it difficult with Brandi because she always has this way of taking personal shots at me that are unnecessary and uncalled for. I didn’t bring up LeAnn Rimes with her when I had my scene. I didn’t bring up the fact that her husband left her for a younger, prettier woman, so she shouldn’t be doing that. She should leave my personal life alone.”

This is a direct quote, from the person who is a “professional” and does not make “personal attacks.” Now, yes what Brandi said was a cheap shot, but I don’t think it warranted that rebuttal. Do you?

Brandi was too shocked to retaliate, which shocked me. Donald commented that it was “so insulting.” Ivanka looked like she smelled feet. 

In the end, the executives absolutely LOVED Leeza’s video which felt fresh and modern, while they thought Lorenzo’s concept was “safe.” Lorenzo was too nice to bring anyone to the boardroom, and even though Vivica suggested Kate be fired for being chronically late, Lorenzo got himself fired. 

lorenzo lamas is fired on celebrity apprentice

And next week, things get really out of hand when it seems like Kenya tries to sabotage Brandi’s project manager stint? Cause Kenya is a massive insecure famewhore professional who constantly seeks negative attention doesn’t make personal attacks. And naturally Brandi will retaliate because Brandi is… well we all know how Brandi is! 


[Photo Credit: NBC]