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On last night’s episodes of Celebrity Apprentice there was Housewives drama! Brandi Glanville started her whining victim act, and Kenya Moore temporarily was able to be the cream that rises to the top. However – we know that’s all short-lived and I fully stand by my opinion that Kenya and Brandi are birds of a feather who hate together. 

As always, this recap will contain spoilers, so do not read on if you don’t want to know who got fired.  

Everyone is PMSing because they’re still reeling from the previous boardroom. Meaning, Geraldo Rivera remains in the game. Also Shawn Johnson  announced that Vivica A. Fox is menopausal. Kenya squirreled that nugget away for future use

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For the first challenge the teams have to do a 4-page editorial spread for the “hot and healthy” pages of Cosmo, it will also appear on their App. They will present to a panel of judges, including Donald Trump (not hot – I can’t attest for his health though), including a fitness expert. 

The men elect Johnny Damon, who has been mute until this very episode. The women decide to use one of their athletes as well and Jamie Anderson steps into the role. Immediately the women have issues. Issue 1 is Brandi intentionally butting-up against Kenya over everything. Issue 2 is Kenya getting butt-hurt. Issue 3 is Jamie being brain-dead.

To quell Geraldo’s propensity for obstreperous delusion Team Vortex lets him speak until he has deflated and needs to lie down with a Geritol. Geraldo pontificates on the idea of loving thyself, a concept he roundly embraced after fencing with the Hokokomatori tribe in West Iceland, a tribe of people known for being cyclops, hounded by PR-seeking westerners, until they met GERALDO, who encouraged them, using picture flashcards, to celebrate their unique features. He is heralded with a statue in their village. They use it for target practice – and to scare away enemies. 

Expounding on Geraldo’s idea Terrell Owens suggests “Love Your Self(ie) Naked.” Geraldo is on-board, given that he started the selfie craze when he screwed-up sexting and accidentally tweeted an underwear photo. Naturally, he then proved a salient point that age is but a number and beauty comes from within one’s nether regions. “Have you heard of that Kim Kardashian?” Geraldo asks Ian Zeiring, cutting him off from a long-winded diatribe about how Cosmo has helped his wife’s sex life. “That Kim, she’s really latched on to my idea about sexy selfies and made a career out of it. Geraldo is living philanthropy.” 

The women’s team has issues figuring out whose shameless self-promotion is most important. Jamie and Shawn, spurred by Brandi, want to focus on having two Olympic gold medalists on their team and do some sort of Gold theme – it got so off track I don’t know what was happening. Initially they were supposed to have Jamie and Shawn in a photoshoot with male models. Then Kenya posited that it needed to be sexier and suggested adding a “Touch Me” feature so when readers touched a certain part of the model’s body (legs, arms, butts, abs…) it explained what exercises to do. Interesting concept, but it quickly went off the rails over ego. 

Kenya, wanting to sell some Booty Bootcamp, said she could do a piece about how to get the Kenya Moore Booty. Brandi quips you could “buy it” which – just no. Speaking of which, I’m surprised Kenya’s charity isn’t The Kenya Moore Foundation for Ex-Beauty Queens who need help being accepted into mainstream society as they are maligned for being too beautiful and amazing and everyone is jealous of the threats they pose. It helps them find affordable housing and meet men who can handle their stupendous amazingness.

Jamie assigns roles, and Kenya volunteers for everything: writing, editing, directing the shoot – until they decide to have another model, then Kenya wants to do that too. The rest of the team decides Brandi should model, which does not sit-well with Kenya (pun intended). Frankly at this point I’m confused: if the spread is about Olympians and getting their bodies, why is Brandi included? 

Kenya seethes that Brandi is not sexy enough for a fitness spread; asking why anyone would want “a stick figure” with inflata-boobs when you could have “all this woman” (with inflata-butt). Kenya decides to enact revenge by passive-aggressively torturing Brandi throughout the photo shoot. 

Vivica and Kate Gosselin go shopping for an American flag to wrap the Olympians in (because not being able to SEE any of their bodies will totally tell you what exercises to do to achieve their bodies), meanwhile Kenya supervises the photoshoot of Brandi and the male model. She complains that Brandi is too covered-up and there is no sexiness. She wants Brandi to “pop” her booty out, and Brandi gets pissed because she doesn’t have a fake butt, hasn’t worked out in months, and doesn’t feel confident – also her butt does not “Ka-Klunk.” 

brandi glanvile strips down on celebrity apprentice

Brandi retaliates by stripping down to underwear and straddling the model. Never say Brandi won’t go the distance for a hot man! I’m sure she slipped her number in his boxers. Kenya is annoyed by being beat at her own game. The photos looked great but they did correspond with the supposed theme? At this point were we all asking: What theme?!

Shawn and Jamie swaddle themselves in a flag and pose with the model. Afterwards Jamie panicked realizing they were more excited about taking  photos than creating a cohesive theme and now they have a mishmash of concepts because she didn’t want to upset anyone or argue. 

Back to the men. The idea is the models with the men will be photographed taking selfies. 

Johnny decides to take sexy naked “selfies” with his wife, who is a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. Sure the photos are hot, but after-sex selfies? Not. Geraldo helps him practice by simulating sex positions on Johnny, who has to go to a special place in his mind to block out the trauma. Sexual Harassment lawsuit time! 

Terrell does some push-ups with a fitness model on his back, Ian decides to write a long essay about his wife taking pole dancing aerobics, then puts on a SUIT, and stands in front of a lingerie-clad model spinning around a pole. Geraldo can take no more of being forgotten and neglected. He insults Ian’s idea as foolish, strips down to his skivvies and starts pacing around the set doing bicep-curls in his underwear. Geraldo, have you met Desperado? 

geraldo rivera pioneered the selfie craze

No one knows how to react because it’s just so… desperado. And so not fun, flirty, sexy, or MOST IMPORTANTLY the Cosmo demographic. They humor Geraldo by letting him snap a few selfies. I think the idea is to present exercises to do with your partner to feel more comfortable naked. Geraldo had no accompanying female model, because Geraldo needs no such accessories. His hubris is partner enough and they are very comfortable together. 

During the presentation Jamie bombs. The mens team strangely used the selfie of Geraldo. In the boardroom both teams are confident they won, except for Geraldo because HIS team did not use HIS concept exactly to his specifications. Geraldo – there is no I in team! I don’t think either team did particularly well. 

Donald asks Brandi how Kenya was, and Brandi says she was evil. Huh? Brandi slams Kate for being lazy again. Kate rambles nonsensically with big-fake wide eyes, sucking up to Donald about how much she wants to be here, NEEDS to be here, is destined for CA greatness. He cuts her off so he can lasciviously discuss “artificial butts” and whether or not Kenya has one. He acts like this is a revolutionary new medical advance – he looks at Ian and asks if he’s heard of this. Ian, who lacks a basic concept of gender equality, demurs.

The women lose. Despite the fact that Jamie blames the warring housewives for the unclear concept because she “didn’t want to argue with them,” she brings Kenya and Kate. In the lobby, Kenya chastises her and makes Jamie admit that she should have brought Brandi for being negative. “I wish you would have told me that sooner,” Jamie whines. JAMIE YOU ARE THE PROJECT MANAGER – MANAGE!

Jamie Anderson is fired

Back in the boardroom she confesses to Donald that she brought the wrong person, and asks to swap Kate for Brandi. Donald denies her. Jamie blames her age, and Donald agrees, Kenya interjects that at 22 she won Miss WHO-S-A, because Kenya always brings everything back around to being about Kenya. But after 5 seconds of listening to Kate’s phony suck-up routine, Donald fires Jamie to get the whole thing over with. 

In the lobby, Jamie still has no idea what happened and asks if she can have drink as Amanda, the “receptionist” forces her onto the elevator. TO feels Kenya’s butt to confirm it is not artificial. I would say sexual harassment suit time again, but she offered… haha! I bet Brandi was jealous! 

The next challenge is fundraising and this is where The Donald switches up the teams. Naturally he places Brandi and Kenya on a team together, which also includes Ian, TO, Leeza Gibbons, and Johnny. On the new Team Vortex, Geraldo is mixed with Kate, Lorenzo, Vivica, Shawn, and Sig Hansen (he’s still there?!). 

It’s a fundraising challenge where they have to set up bridal boutiques and sell wedding gowns for charity. Ian immediately volunteers to be PM, and Geraldo, chomping at the bit to go against Ian, volunteers himself again. Donald dubs Geraldo a wedding expert being that he’s had FOUR ex-wives. The fact that Geraldo found FIVE women to marry him is astounding, the fact that he’s only been divorced 4 times is even more so. 

kate gosselin and geraldo rivera play married on celebrity apprentice

Kate immediately gets to work implanting her nose in Geraldo’s derrière, which is not artificial. Geraldo parrots the phrase “dialing for dollars” because that’s the only part of this challenge he plans to participate in, other than posing outside the door in a tuxedo pretending to be married to Kate, because he is one of the most recognizable mustaches in the world and that will get droves and droves of women inside the door thinking they may have an opportunity to be Mrs. Geraldo Geraldo No. 6. 

Vivica rightly calls it a pissing match between Geraldo and Ian, and announces she has big cajones too – along with hot flashes! 

Kate spends the entire day whining on the phone to her mysterious man, hoping he’ll come through with a donation – he does. This time. I don’t know what the other people did. 

All the drama was on Ian’s team because Kenya/Brandi. Ian starts off with a sermon befitting of a Billy Graham tel-a-thon on the miracle of charity and then encourages his team to have value whether it be financially or otherwise. Brandi mistook his compassion for weakness and decided to fake a panic attack, blaming Kenya for being in the same room as her, and go have a powwow with the underwear model form the last shoot in her hotel room. This was after she made a bitchy speech about how some people aren’t professional or here for the right reasons (*KENYA*). Yes, Brandi works soooo hard and is sooo committed – to wine, trash talking, & passive aggressive nonsense! 

Ian, it turns out, prepared for everything – set designs, had big donors lined up, Chippendales dancers on retainer, impassioned speeches written – everything except panic attacks, that is. Brandi called Ian from he hotel. Kenya and TO are pissed. Ian quickly redirects them and reminds them to focus. He is actually a very effective, calm and cohesive leader. And although he enjoys hearing himself speak as much as Geraldo does, Ian seems more sincere. 

Ian’s other big problem is TO, who did nothing but eat – put down the spoon and pick up the phone! He barely got any donors. Speaking of eating, this is a funny moment: in her podcast Brandi leaked that Kenya had in her contract she would’t eat on film because she’s a messy eater, yet there is a shot of her standing behind Ian eating a french fry and dripping sauce all down the front of her blouse. This is not shade, I just thought it was funny. 

It seems Brandi did do something in the hotel as she managed to put her money where her mouth is and raise a lot. Ian is impressed. Kenya commenced with running the bridal boutique and Ian managed to pull in a whopping $160,000 donation! Geraldo landed $100,000. 

In the boardroom Donald announced the two teams raised almost $600,000 in one challenge, and were separated by only $2,500! He gives the project managers the option of letting their respective charities keep the money their team raised. Both Ian and Geraldo, thankfully, put their egos aside and split the money. Donald matched each amount bringing it to an even $300,000 for each charity. YEAH CA Teams. 

Brandi and Kenya each brought in an impressive amount – Brandi with $30,000 and Kenya with $25,000! Unfortunately it was not enough and Ian’s team lost. Ian says Kenya was “great” and a real team player, but describes Brandi as “fragile” and a “delicate flower,” a comment Brandi takes umbrage to. Brandi reminds them of everything she has survived, in case you haven’t read her two books, and Donald agrees because there is no way he’s eliminating Brandi and Kenya on the cusp of major drama eruption! 

Terrell Owens is fired on Celebrity Apprentice

Since TO and Johnny both raised the least, citing donors that didn’t come through, they’re brought to the boardroom. TO admits he should be fired. Donald is sad to see him go and commends him of changing America’s opinion of him. In the lobby Ian gives TO a motivational speech about what an amazingly bright future he has. And I do think TO was very classy and restrained on CA, so good for him. 

Also, Donald is right – it was the athletic curse again! 

TELL US – WERE TO AND JAMIE THE RIGHT PEOPLE TO FIRE?

[Photo Credits: NBC]

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