Keeping Up With The Kardashians: A ReKrap

So, let’s talk about Keeping Up With Kardashians… Is anybody watching that? I must confess I tuned in and saw, well, all the episodes of this season. Not because I was forced, but because I was curious. Albeit morbidly so. Which is sort of like eating an entire Chipotle burrito just to see if I can do it. Never a good idea, but it never stops me.

First of all, the editing in this show is so bad and non-sequential, but they don’t seem to care and they don’t bother trying to hide it. They also bilk a storyline for all it’s worth; going overboard to berate you with a point. And most annoyingly, each show has a little moralistic message attached to the end like some sort of totally trashy and lowbrow Aesop’s Fables with spray tans, false eyelashes, and a lot of too tight pants.

Yeah, so about those Kardashians. Is Kris Jenner psychotic? Bruce Jenner seems to think so! Their marital drama – which may be fabricated, but is likely not – is kinda dominating this season so far. In fact Bruce is getting some major airtime for once. He’s working hard for his share of that $40M.


Bruce is obviously tired of people thinking of him as helicopter guy with rubber face. Or Brody Jenner‘s dad. Or Kris‘ silent partner who lurks around the house randomly commenting on something completely off topic. So anyway, this season the good folks at E! are obviously trying to convince us that Bruce, like, does stuff that matters. And that Bruce realizes his marriage is ridiculous and Kris is a hot mess. Bruce may have known this for eons, but for once we’re getting to see it play out on ‘reality’ TV.

I find myself really liking Bruce these days. I’ve never minded him, I’ve just never thought about him either – well except for the face lift and the obvious question of: ‘How can he stand Kris?’. So Bruce has been trying to connect with his family – namely his wife, who is now a music mogul in training. And I have to mention, that if Kim‘s atrocious single is any indication of what Kris’ bringing to the airwaves, she need not spread her wings and try to fly. Personally, Kris J should stick to what she knows best – big booty pimpin. Lord knows ol’ Kimmie Kakes is desperate enough!

Kris J has always bugged, but this year she outrages. And it all seems so contrived. Did she really scream at Bruce about drinking juice out of the blender and accuse him of making her “psychotic”? Did Bruce really call her psychotic? Why, yes, yes he did! This season should be dubbed: The growing of Bruce’s balls, which had previously shrunk to the size of a raisin, but are now enlargening ever so slightly to the size of a cherry.

Anyway, pimomomager Kris apparently thinks she’s like kinda a big deal. If she name drops “Babyface” one more time, I’m going to launch through the television and really give her something to throw a hissy fit about. She’s pretty much ignoring her children – the minor ones – one of whom complains that she no longer cooks and they have a chef now. She also doesn’t spend anytime with them doing family stuff as one of the little ones tells us. Kris has turned into the total momartyr. She’s constantly whining about how busy and overwhelmed she is whilst secretly relishing in how busy and important she thinks she is.

So in other Kris debacles she also tried to force Khloe Kardashian to take a DNA test to “prove” that Robert K is her bio dad. Now if Kris for one minute thinks we don’t know this test was totally about proving to everyone that she is innocent of getting knocked up during an adulterous affair, then she’s not Kim‘s mother. Because that was some self-serving, amateur hour attempt to turn the tables and showcase herself as the innocent victim of tabloid rumor mongering. Luckily Khloe and Kourtney knew what she was gaming for.

Kourtney is really impressing me this season. Other than the foolish storyline where she and Scott Disick still pretend they don’t sleep in the same bed. Does she really expect us to belive that nonsense while she’s nine months pregnant? Get over yourself. Tell Ryan Seacrest he doesn’t own your dignity… oh wait… he does.

So, another Kris J annoyance… this memoir – or memwhah as she pronounces it – she’s published (because people are so totally intereted in her and her life) is really brining up some harsh memories for Kourtney who was old enough to remember her mom’s dalliances destroying their family.

Kris is predictably totally oblivious – by choice – to her responsibility in Kourtney distancing her and being rude, so instead she tries to give Kourt some tacky-ass diaper cake in shades of pink. Kourtney sees a therapist to work through a lifetime of being Kris Jenner’s daughter and really, honey, you don’t have enough money or time in the world to fix it.

Luckily Kourt is savvy enough to recognize that you can’t win ’em all so she tries to make some peace with Kris. Which is unfortunately because when she was being ultra rude it was hilarious. Kourtney even stages an intervention to get Kris’ attention away from the crackberry and instead focusing on crack. Literally. She stuffs Kris’ phone down her pants and directs her towards the wine fridge. Kourtney actually has to hijack her cell phones (yes, plural).

Ever since Kourtney has become a mom we’re really seeing some likable elements of her – she’s emerged level-headed and as the family therapist. I’m appreciating her more and more. I even kinda like Scott!

Kris is so self-absorbed this season that I feel like we really are seeing Kim in 20 years. This is Kim of the future. Here’s another example: see Rob Kardashian – who they are attempting to give a storyline this season – is buying a house and shilling socks. What is this sock krap? Seriously – stoppit. No one buy this. I forbid you.

Anyway, Kris is supposed to help Rob find a house but she’s too busy with Babyface who she has a totally professional relationship with. I only believe this because there is no way in H— Babyface would have an interest in Kris. Nonetheless she talks about him and their meetings together constantly. Like, as much as Kim talks about herself.

Anyway, Kris stands Rob up and ditches him at the house. Bruce offers to help, but Rob is embarrassed to be seen in public with Bruce and his mutated face. So he makes up some excuses and Kourtney – who is now the ubiquitous family mom – comes along. Unfortunately Bruce shows up to view the house and seems to sense that he’s not wanted.

Later over dinner Rob basically insinuates he never had a dad while Bruce is sitting across the table from him. Bruce is visibly hurt and after Rob leaves, Bruce tries to confide in Kris about how Rob hurt his feelings. Sadly, Kris is emailing Babyface or Steve Hirsh or something and doesn’t care.

Later Kourtney lets Kris know she’s an insensitive a–hole and Kris forces Rob to apologize. Look, Bruce is a kook, but a sweet kook. He means well and he loves those kids. Hopefully he’ll wise up and ditch Kris.

Let’s talk Kim K – what are we thinking about her this season? Still vapid and personality-less, I see. Also, why is her house decorated entirely with photos of herself?

This season Kim‘s stuffing herself in a series of ridiculous wigs and putting on one person performance art pieces where she pretends to be a character. So, who thinks this is totally a ploy for her to get acting gigs? I don’t know what to say about her, except go away. No one cares. Also, seek a fashion intervention. Kim is pretty much annoying everyone this season and you can really tell with Kourtney, who is eye-rolling more than ever over Kim’s antics.

Khloe has been pretty MIA after the DNA stuff where she high-tailed it back to Texas and thanked the good lord that she married a man who can take her away from Kris J and all the loathsome. I really feel bad for the little K’s who are pretty much being forced to accost people on the street and tell them they work for Seventeen Magazine while lying about how they have potential in modeling.

Kendall doesn’t want to degrade herself and claims she’s shy, but Kylie is jumping in with both feet. We can tell who got the Jenner vs. Kardashian genes! Kim comes along on one session to train Kendall on how to be a good K-child.

According to TVByTheNumbers, ratings dropped significantly this week. It may have been a result of the holiday weekend – or it could be that, you know, no one wants to watch Kim and Kris self-obsess for an hour. Like mother, like daughter those two!

Well, that’s about all I can think of to discuss. Next week, I’m going to try to recap them with photos so be ready for some scary Kris J shots!