Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New York was pretty low-key and I have to say after all the recent drama with certain other Housewives shows it was refreshing to watch a show that focused on the lives of rich, fabulous women instead of fabricated drama and petty fights. Well there was one petty fight, but it paled in comparison to other recent fights on other Housewives shows. And really I never thought there would come a day when I referred to Pinot Singer as low-key, and she’s not by any normal standards, but alas the pinot hath frozen over.

Things open with Aviva Drescher and her husband Reed meeting Heather Thomson and her husband for a getting to know you dinner. Over salads, Heather shares that though her husband is the son of a famous rabbi and they practice Judaism, she is not a full convert. No, no… she’s merely Jewish by injection only. Well, since there’s no shots the doctor can give you to make you Jewish, I’m going to assume the injection comes from her husband’s kosher sausage.

Among the other shocking revelations that came over dinner was the lurid story of Sonja Morgan and LuAnn de Lesseps bedroom activities and their proximity to Aviva‘s ex-husband. Boy, this man is busy on the Housewives circuit! Is he going to make his way to other franchises? Apparently Harry attended Heather‘s birthday party (does he know everyone associated with this show?) where it was disclosed (discovered?) that he slept with both Sonja AND LuAnn. When – no one seems to know – but it was presumably after the time when Aviva was married to him. A surprised Aviva handled the news with dignity, but disgust. I don’t know about you, but that would be a little too close to comfort for me!


The couples also discuss parenting and Heather‘s son’s illness. Aviva says she’s going to “pull a Ramonawhich means drown herself in Pinot and start ranting nonsensically while her eyes spin wildly like a cartoon acid trip and shares how growing up with a disability caused her parents to spoil her to an unhealthy extent. Though she turned out to be fairly level-headed in the end, she would advise against pity spoiling. Heather can’t help it though and she seems like she knows it’s the wrong course of action. Poor Heather. That’s a tough situation.

Also, coming up for debate is LuAnn vs. Ramona. And well, Pinot in genereal. Heather is still confused by how she got off to such a rough start with Pinot, but is going to try and deal with it by never speaking to her again. OK, not really – but that’s really the only approach that works! Aviva thinks Ramona may mean well, but her delivery is flawed. No one really knows what to make of the drive-by threat conversation where LuAnn accused Ramona of attempted blackmail, but they decide to stay out of it.

Aviva shares some advice that I think needs to become the Housewives mantra: “Say what you mean, but don’t say it mean.” I’m pretty sure I learned this in fifth grade, but apparently some forty-year-olds are running around loose amongst the reality-verse that haven’t!

And speaking of LuAnn vs. Ramona, (or Pinot vs. Countless) they meet up in Central Park to have a public argument. Gotta love these ladies’ sense of propreity. I’m sure park-goers were just dying to observe Ramona and LuAnn rant and snipe at each other in hushed shreiky voices. Also, why were they sitting practically on top of each other?

Anyway, LuAnn feels Ramona threatened her and so she repeats the word “threaten” and several variations of it over and over again. Ramona thinks LuAnn is a delusional, condescending, liar – oh and a bad mother! Well, that’s not too big of a deal. Apparently Ramona is still sticking to this point about LuAnn being a “weekend mom” and really – how dare she!

I don’t think all of Ramona‘s points about LuAnn were off base, but the comments about her parenting were appallingly out of line and Ramona should be mortified that she would have the audacity to say that to someone. Normal teenagers do rebellious things – and really who didn’t try pot as a teen? Anybody? Shut up Pinot!

LuAnn wants to know what other tricks Ramona has up her pinot-filled hat? Ass? And Ramona starts talking about her nails and how she doesn’t have time to be a ranting lunatic. Ramona probably did threaten LuAnn. She probably was 3/4 of her way through a second bottle of Pinot, called her up ranting beligerently, and doesn’t remember it. At this point I don’t even consider Ramona human – she’s like a pinot-bot. Just a walking bottle of crisp golden colored liquid wearing a wig and some googly eyes.

They make a tacit agreement to put up with each other and try to be nice. And stay out of each other’s lives, which we know will last approximately one episode. Then LuAnn flees the park.

Carole Radziwill and Aviva meet up at a vintage boutique. Aviva clearly has a massive girl-crush on Carole, but then again so do I, so I can relate. She’s gushing about Carole’s clothes and Carole talks her into trying on a leopard print jumpsuit. I have to say, Aviva pulled it off and she looked great, but she didn’t buy it! Why not?!

Carole tells Aviva about her “boyfriend.” He’s a touring musician named Russ and they have somewhat of an open relationship. While they’re both in town they’re exclusive, but when he’s on the road they’re allowed to see other people. Carole loves the feeling of a man wanting her and she likes the idea of missing someone and being missed in a relationship. Carole also doesn’t put out until she’s sure a man is in love with her. Is that one of Patti Stanger‘s rules?

Naturally the subject of LuAnn and Ramona emerges. Carole said the situation with the drop by threat bomb over lunch made her feel more nervous and uncomfortable than flying into Afghanistan. And that is the surest sign that this line of work – reality TV – is not for you, Carole! If petty, neurotic conflicts make you nausea than you need not entangle yourself in the Ursillian octopus arms of Bravo.

Carole abandons the conversation to go flirt with a man half her age who is picking up something for his girlfriend. Carole tries to sell him on the leopard print jumpsuit to no avail. She also tries to sell him on herself to no avail. I guess Russ is on tour this week.

Later Carole has a date with Russ where they drive through NYC and talk about how much he should adore her. Sonja may need to take some notes. Perhaps Carole has a future at the Learning Annex …

Speaking of shameless flirting, Sonja has some water damage that she has left unattended for months. Gross. Mold, anyone? Some contractors are there to finally fix the problem and in order to demonstrate the various areas of the house affected by the water damage, she’s rolling all over a daybed and shaking her boobs in the guys face. I noticed Sonja had no qualms about referring to her former husband as an ex when there was a man she desires in her grasp. I’m surprised she didn’t offer to pay him in bedroom activities! When Sonja gets a man in her lair, he best watch out… she doesn’t let them out alive.

Moving on LuAnn‘s son is failing French and there’s some boring scene of her proving she actually parents by yelling at him about homework in French. Next!

At Heather‘s house she is hosting a celebration of her father’s life. Heather’s father has just passed away and although they had a difficult relationship, she still loved and appreciated him. He didn’t want a memorial service, so she’s decided to having a passing party of sorts and inviting family and close friends to remember his life. She and her sister look through some of his old things, including poetry he wrote during WWII. I actually thought this was a very sweet idea and a great gesture.

Aviva and Ramona get together for lunch. Aviva savvily reveals that she wants to size up Ramona for herself, because there’s been a lot of smoke concerning Ramona’s antics with the other girls – and where there is smoke, there’s usually fire. Ramona barges in, eyes blazing red as the sun at dusk, zeros in on the waiter and demands a pinot immediately. She doesn’t have a sippie cup of it in her purse. She didn’t call ahead to request one waiting at the table? Amateur. They sit down and discuss LuAnn.

Aviva reveals that LuAnn told her about the “threats” and Ramona is besieged by fury that LuAnn is talking about her to Aviva. Ramona’s side of the story is very different of course, and Aviva starts to believe LuAnn possibly embellished. Deciding it’s best to tell a fib by necessity and Aviva doesn’t let Ramona know that LuAnn has told all the girls, but hints that they may know. Ramona snipes LuAnn’s life would improve if she had a job. But isn’t she already a weekend mom?

Aviva suggests that singing is LuAnn‘s job. And Ramona all but explodes with laughter. “SINGING!;” she roars? “You mean that spoken word crap about diamonds she put on YouTube!? I’ll tell you who has a career – ME! I was on the cover of Learning Annex Magazine, you know! I make PINOT! PINOT! I’m on QVC!” Realizing she’s trapped in a lair with crazy, Aviva scrambles to change the subject to Heather.

Ramona gets roaring again, but concedes that once Heather realized to just smile, nod, and back away slowly they got along famously and so Ramona’s advice to stop talking when in the presence of pinot-ness worked. Poor Aviva, she’s trying so hard to be the Housewives peer mediator – and she’s got a knack for it – but you can’t reason with crazy who rely on a paycheck and a desperate need for attention. Doesn’t she realize Bravo hires these people for a reason? It’s not their charm, decorum, and sense of propriety!

Finally, Sonja is presenting at the GLAAD awards and all the ladies are in attendance (sans Lulu). Sonja is excited about drag queens. And dancing with drag queens. And drinking with drag queens. Heather, observing that silence is the best cure for dealing with Ramona, practices her plan to great success. Ramona commandeers Carole and asks her about her job as a “spokesperson for the news”. I think she confused Carole with Alexis Bellino.

Carole, poor Carole… Carole just nicely explains that she was actually a producer for ABC news that worked with Diane Sawyer and the like. And that is how you silence Ramona. You know Ramona was all but ready to launch into a diatribe about her successes hawking jewelry on QVC when she realized an award-winning memoir and a serious career trumped that something dangerous.

Later Pinot asks Carole what LGBTQ means. Which I found odd, because she had announced earlier that she was a big “supporter” of GLAAD. Wouldn’t you know an important acronym for the organization you endorse? Details, smetails!

Finally, it’s time for Sonja to take the stage. And she’s no where to be found. Nope, she’s stuffing her face backstage and talking about parent-teacher conferences when the MC is announcing her name over and over. Sonja definitely doesn’t have a good tract record with important events. Remember last year at the Walk for Equality…

Finally someone ushers her to the stage over ten minutes late, she does her thing, and hops down to dance with drag queens. That’s the real reason she showed up anyway. That and the free drinks, of course! Please tell me Ramona did not force them to serve Ramona Pinot.

Next Week: LuAnn tries to continue the peace with Ramona…

[Photo Credit: Bravo]