*sigh* So many thoughts about last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of New York. SO. MANY. THOUGHTS. And even more questions!
Does Luann de Lesseps deserve the wrath of hungover Housewives? Does air conditioner make Sonja Morgan poof or poop? Does Bethenny Frankel see Luann as her human sounding board – the one person resilient enough to take all the tantrums Bethenny’s mother ignored as she headed out to the clubs or on a date; giving Bethenny free-reign to project all of her childhood emotions.
Also, it occurs to me, that Bethenny probably married her mother and her father in Jason Hoppy, who seems diabolical, but also really disinterested in her melodrama, and Bethenny needs someone to give validity to her hysteria or else she thinks they don’t ‘hear’ her.
This show I tell you. The Real Housewives Of New York ladies know how to do it right. Every episode is like going to an all you can eat buffet.
Only on Real Housewives Of New York can you have a drunken collapse over an argument about cabaret turn into political commentary on the last time Sonja Morgan probably felt relevant. Which flows into competing artists giving out free art and Ramona Singer inviting her ex-husband and new boyfriend to a party, then being forced to admit to making out with her former friend’s ex-husband in front of another friend who also hooked up with this same guy.
Oh, they’ve descended upon the sunshine state again… Shouldn’t Florida have an ordinance keeping the Real Housewives Of New York out?!
In cold New York city Ramona Singer has convinced everyone that vacationing in a fabulous Miami mansion will be just the thing to unify the group after Upstate. Round houses have a way of backing everyone into their own corners. Also Luann de Lesseps is spinning on an axis around her own sun, orbiting her own ego, and declaring that she’s not a diva at. all, so maybe a return to Florida will put things in humbling perspective for her!
Oh Real Housewives Of New York don’t ever change. Do I open ever recap with this sentence? But seriously Real Housewives Of New York spirals through cycles of emotions faster than a Cathy cartoon about dating and PMS, and I don’t want it any other way.
Anytime you take these ladies anywhere – even to the doctor; even to the nail salon; even to Luann de Lesseps‘ yardsale in the Hamptons, they exist in their own self-contained orbit of revolving arguments, makeups, friendships, feuds, hurt feelings, men… Like a drunken comet hurtling towards church here they come, slathered in statement necklaces and macrame, and shedding skin from laser facials, and shedding tears from all the people who have wronged them first leading them hear to a sky-high tolerance for emotional instability and pain. And hell hath no fury like a group of middle-aged women scorned, with nothing else to lose. Amen, sistas. A-MEN, but you don’t need ’em cause you have each other. (And cheesecake on the lanai, of course).
On last night’s Real Housewives Of New York, the women traveled upstate – like way upstate – to have another intervention with Luann de Lesseps. This time about how her cabaret has become unmanageable and out of control.
Sonja Morgan rides to Luann’s Catskills home in the equivalent of a private jet on wheels. Basically, a camper van repurposed into a luxury hotel room. It still has more amenities than the townhouse, though, because it features a working toilet!
Real Housewives Of New York is like being in city traffic and hearing a loud bang and not knowing where it came from and whether or not it’s a gun going off, a car backfiring, or Ramona Singer exploding in your face.
Luann de Lesseps is in full hoity-toity mode. Cabaret Star has replaced Countess as Luann’s new schtick, and she invited all the girls to a Halloween party where she’s performing. The theme is insane asylum – perfect for this group! Luann is dressed as a sexy nurse, but Bethenny Frankel comes as a slutty guardian angel, aka Luann’s savior. Was that shady or unintentional?
Luann’s performance is supposed to start at 11, but of course, the Countess is late, girls! After waiting around for 2 hours, when Luann couldn’t even come down to say hello, or invite them backstage to her dressing room, Bethenny leaves explaining that her babysitter is expecting her.
Last night the Real Housewives Of New York went to the Big Apple Circus where Sonja Morgan lifted a random baby from the lap of the mother who was sitting behind her, and held it in her own lap so the child could get a better look at the action. That baby sat there stoically and dry-eyed as the adult women around her sloshed popcorn-essenced cocktails in her face and probably assumed the wetness on their dress was because the baby pooped herself. You know this child was forever changed, and all-knowing from this experience, and someday, many moons from now will be gracing some future Bravo network as a Real Housealien Of Spaceship Villa Uranus in the year 2075.
Especially because just as randomly this baby’s honorary temporary godmother Sonja Morgan, of the Sexy J performing acrobatics troupe, passed her back to her mother, and hiked up her sequined mini dress before vaulting over the dividing wall right into the center ring to join the clowns. It’s as if Sonja was born for this moment, and never has she felt more at home. To somersault in heels, pantomime, and ad-lib, and if Luann de Lesseps doesn’t incorporate The Sexy J random circus into her cabaret halftime show (sponsored by Dale Mercer, of course) than she’s a bigger fool than even I thought possible.
Last night’s Real Housewives Of New York had it all: turtle time, flying trapezes, sexually harassing birds, meltdowns at premiere galas, breakups, brawls in the spa, makeups at the spa, ghosts of Sonja Morgan‘s past, and wrap dresses. You know, just an ordinary episode! (Seriously how is this one of the lower rated Housewives franchises?!)
Sonja is just strolling down the street with her coffee and her trendy patterned tights when a limousine window rolls down and a voice calls out from the dark, “Hey hooker…” Sonja doesn’t even flinch, she just keeps doing her Mary Tyler Moore strut with a distracted smile until the voice gets more persistent. But it’s just Bethenny Frankel! Sonja laughs because she assumed it was one if the regular people who call her a hooker during her morning coffee run! Where is Sonja getting her coffee from?