Bachelor Pad Recap: Chris Bukowski’s Love Square

Ed Swiderski and Jaclyn Swartz celebrate Reid Rosenthal‘s Bachelor Pad boot. “On a scale of 1 to 10, I’m on cloud nine,” says Jaclyn. What does that even mean? It’s a good thing she’s so pretty.

Chris Harrison crashes the after party, bringing surveys for the exhausted and drunk Bachelor Pad players to fill out. Jaclyn thinks these surveys might have something to do with the next day’s challenge. Michael Stagliano is like, “Oh, man, I’ve seen this train wreck before.” My thoughts exactly! Where’s the popcorn?!

Kalon McMahon reads some of the questions – Who’s the ugliest? Who’s the smartest? Who’s the fattest? He says, “So, pretty much, every answer is either me or Erica Rose.”



Gameshow Mashup is the name of the game.

The questions start innocent enough – pop culture and Bachelor and Bachelorette  trivia. Sarah Newlon is on a roll. Chris Bukowski is cheering her on, much to Blakeley Jones‘s dismay. The final round is “Who Said That?” This is where the surveys from the night before come into play. The women are answering based on the men’s questions.

Who said – “The person in the house who has accomplished the most is me. I’m amazing.” – Ed

“Other than to win the money, Ed is on Bachelor Pad because he doesn’t want to be forgotten since his season was 20 years ago.” – Chris

“The person in the house who has accomplished the least is Blakeley.” – Nick Peterson

“The person who would make the worst parent is Erica, because she eats her hair.” – Kalon

“When I first saw the girls in their rhytmic gymnastics uniforms, the first thing I thought was sexy thoughts.”  – David

The game comes down to Jaclyn and Sarah. Jaclyn answers David. Sarah answers Michael. Jaclyn wins.

The guys’ turn! Leading into “Who Said That?,” Michael and Ed are dominating the game.

Who said – “I’ve slept with 11 12 9 men?” – Blakeley

“The most scandalous place I’ve ever had sex is on top of a car in a public place.” – Sarah

“I’d rather sleep with Chris over my current partner because he’s so hot.”  – Jamie

Of course. Blakeley isn’t happy.

“Jaclyn is the most fake because she lies and manipulates constantly.” – Jamie

Jamie promises Jaclyn she’ll explain what she meant later. Cause, “lies” and “manipulates” isn’t quite clear enough.

“Jamie is the most annoying in the house because she hangs all over the guys and spins in circles.” – Blakeley

Ed wins. Ed actually wins something that doesn’t involve his pickle! As the winners, Jaclyn and Ed each get a one-on-one date, a rose for themselves, and a rose to hand out.

Super fan David Mallet and Rachel Trueheart scored the lowest, so they’re both going into the next rose ceremony with a vote already against them.

Bachelorette Jen Schefft Gives Birth To A Baby Girl!

Jaclyn is mad now! She’s going after Jamie. Jamie cries, “I’m being so honest, and it’s just not working out for me.” Jamie gets her sob story in order, approaching Michael first. Michael says, “She is gaming too little, too late.”

Jamie talks to Kalon next. Kalon is such a sweetheart jerk, but he’s hilarious. He says he doesn’t mind listening to people cry and whine. He kindly explains, “I’d much rather be the guy to soothe her soul until she’s f***ing executed. I mean, when you put a dog down, you sit there and pets its head, right?” Oh, Kalon. If loving you is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Chris is still dealing with the “perfect storm” he created. Jamie is sobbing. Blakeley is fuming because Chris was cheering for Sarah. Chris says, “Are you freaking kidding me?”

Dates. Roses. Crazies.

Jaclyn and Ed won dates. Sarah slept with Ed the first week, voted against him the next day, and then Jaclyn slept with Ed. In Sarah’s twisted mind, this adds up to Jaclyn picking anyone but Ed, even though he’s her partner and she’s the most recent one to make him howl, and this leaves Sarah anxious to spend time with Ed without Jaclyn in the house. Then, if that goes well, Ed will take Sarah on his date the next night. There’s only one scenario Sarah hasn’t considered…

Jaclyn takes Ed, squashing Sarah’s hopes and dreams. Sarah says, “Jaclyn is under this illusion that her and Ed are really in this deep partnership. She now thinks being a partner is, like, being a life partner.” Based completely on one drunken night together, didn’t Sarah just say… oh, never mind. These women are all making Erica seem normal. Speaking of Erica, Sarah complains to her about Jaclyn. How dare she hook up with Ed the next day after she did? And how dare she develop feelings for Ed? Sarah is crushed. I don’t know how she’s ever going to move beyond this heartache.

Jaclyn and Ed go to Dodger Stadium. Ed has sacrificed his date by going out with Jaclyn, so she has a rose to give to another guy. This guy will be safe and will go on a date of his own. Jaclyn‘s first instinct is Kalon. Ed trusts Chris. Jaclyn doesn’t want to give it to Chris and Blakeley.

Back at the house, Chris is trying his hardest not to mislead Jamie any further. Jamie is wearing a hot pink bikini, flirting with Chris. Jamie and Chris end up in bed together, because Chris is an idiot. Jamie is all over him, he says (to the camera) he’s not feeling it. Jamie is completely oblivious. When Chris tells Jamie he likes her (lies!), she’s mentally planning their wedding and naming their children. For the next two days, every person in the house, every cameraman, and every little furry creature she talks to in the garden has to hear how she and Chris cuddled all night long.

The next day, Jaclyn and Ed explain how the extra rose is going to work. Jamie is hoping the rose goes to Chris. Of course Chris will bring her! They did cuddle all night long, you know. Jaclyn does decide to give the rose to Chris. Jamie is smiling. Blakeley is smiling. The storm is brewing…

When Chris‘s date card arrives, he chooses  Sarah! Jamie is crushed. Blakeley is pissed off. Sarah is surprised – why me, she’s thinking. Blakeley asks Chris what’s going on. Chris tells Blakeley she’s overwhelming. She asks him to promise he’ll be his partner until the end. Chris says he can’t make that promise right now. Jamie also questions Chris‘s motive for choosing Sarah. Jamie ends up believing Chris is taking Sarah on his date to save Blakeley’s feelings. Jamie actually believes Chris is protecting her! Meanwhile, Chris is saying to the camera, “Sarah’s super hot!” On the way to the car, I suspect Chris Harrison whispers in Sarah‘s ear “easy lay” and suddenly Sarah understands why Chris picked her.

Sarah and Chris‘s date involves making a movie. They’re staging a scene, and Sarah kicks Chris in the face. Best. Bachelor Pad. Moment. Ever. Chris and Sarah share a sweet kiss over dinner. Then, they get dirty in the hot tub. While Sarah and Chris are making out, Blakeley and Jamie are arguing over who has the rights to Chris. Blakeley decides she cannot trust Chris and Jamie walks away thinking Chris belongs to her now. She’s excited for him to get back to the house so she can tell him the good news. Jamie is bouncing and spinning around the house.

“Chris is protecting me,” sings Jamie.  – Chris just stuck his tongue in Sarah’s mouth.

“Chris is so loyal to me,” declares Jamie. – Chris just paid for a hotel room to spend the night with Sarah.

I think it’s safe to say Sarah is no longer sad about Jaclyn “stealing” Ed.

Chris Harrison bring a rose to the Bachelor Pad. He explains, Chris does not have a rose, since he did not win the challenge. Chris Harrison leaves a rose with Ed to give to the lady of his choice. Ed gives the rose to Rachel.

Rose Ceremony

Super fan David campaigns for votes. Bless his heart. He tries, but he has no chance of staying on Bachelor Pad.

Chris wants Blakeley gone. Chris and Blakeley are a big part of Michael’s alliance. Despite being on the Bachelorette and Bachelor Pad two times, Michael is not dumb. If Chris gets his way and Blakeley leaves, Chris is sitting pretty with three female votes from the “other” side of the house. Obviously, Michael isn’t going to allow the alliance to vote out Blakeley.

Kalon tells Chris what he wants to hear, purposely misleading him. Michael talks sense into Ed and Jaclyn. Ed warns Chris – it’s too early to go shaking up the house. Chris’s arrogance is off the charts, so he doesn’t listen. As suspected, the final roses come down to Nick and David and Blakeley and Jamie. Chris has a smug look on his face. He is completely expecting the vote to go his way.

Nick and Blakeley are safe.

David and Jamie are voted off Bachelor Pad!

Chris knows Ed and Kalon lied to him.

Michael says, “Chris has been going around starting a lot of little fires in girls’ pants. You play with fire, you get burned.”

David is beyond grateful for the experience. He’s crying a mixture of happy and sad tears. Bachelor Pad has been the greatest four weeks of his life, David says. Awww, David, I’m sorry your life sucks so much.

Chris Harrison puts Jamie into her limo, slips the driver $200, and tells him not to pass go. He’s to drive Jamie directly to her therapist’s office. Jamie feels like a failure. She’s crying crazy tears.

Next week on Bachelor Pad, couples are actually falling in love. And, Chris reminds us that he’s a “grown ass” man.


Photo credit: ABC