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The Bachelor Recap: 50 Shades Of Crazy For Sean Lowe

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Bachelor fans, are you ready for the most amazing journey featuring one (hopefully shirtless) Sean Lowe and 26 (hopefully tipsy) Bachelorettes? As always, each lady is desperate to find love and most definitely there for the right reasons.

Chris Harrison is on hand, as well, to keep every single most dramatic rose ceremony running smoothly. Not on hand? Emily Maynard. She broke Sean's heart on the Bachelorette and, for the sake of my sanity, needs to stay far away from this season.

Sean has fully recovered from his heartbreak and is ready to try again on the Bachelor. Clearly, he's a fool. He says the idea of possibly meeting his future wife during this journey (drink up, my friends) is kind of exciting and kind of intimidating.

Sean adds, "I want the end result. I want to protect my woman. I want to love my woman. I want to honor her. I want to love her with everything I have, and I want to be the best possible man I can be for her. I want to be rich in love." 

Because ABC doesn't completely hate me, Arie Luyendyk, Jr. stops by Sean's pad to help him prepare for what is to come. Mr. Holy Hotness schools Sean on how to properly kiss a woman: Eye contact. Use your hands. Touch her hair. Touch her face. Tease her with your tongue. No lizard tongue. Use your  whole body. #coldshower

Curse you, Arie, for not signing up for this train wreck of a show solely for my entertainment.

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PHOTOS: Meet The 26 Bachelorettes Of Sean Lowe’s The Bachelor Season 17!

Aww, there he is.. our new Bachelor holding a rose. ABC officially announced Sean Lowe as the star of The Bachelor Season 17 earlier this week! You know, right after Chris Harrison spilled the beans at the Emmy Awards. We met Sean on the Bachelorette, of course, but that season was all about Emily Maynard. 

Now, Sean is the star and in charge of the roses. Sean, 28, is an entrepreneur from Dallas, Texas. Southern values, family, and faith are very important to Sean. In his free time, Sean enjoys camping, wakeboarding, dancing, outdoor activities, and attending concerts.

The ABC press release tells us what Sean is looking for as the Bachelor: "He wants to be the patriarch of a family that is centered on faith, love and, laughter. He is eager to be a supportive husband that will encourage his wife to chase her dreams, as well as someone who she can rely on to help her through good and bad times. Quite simply, he is looking for his best friend. Sean also wants a big family and would love to adopt a child along with having his own – just so long as he can pass along the values he was taught to his kids."

Taping is already underway for Sean's season, which will begin airing in January 2013. And, ABC must be eager to get this party started, because they have already released the pictures and first names of the 24 "new to us" women that will be competing for Sean's final rose (and that sweet Neil Lane rock). Undoubtedly, Sean's final rose will bring us the most romantic rose ceremony ever. Like, ever.. ever. I digress.. anyway, this information has been released at least three months earlier than normal. Their ages, hometowns, and occupations were not listed, however. In addition to the new faces, there are two familiar faces! Enjoy!

Also, check out  the Sean Lowe is The Next Bachelor video at the end. It's hilarious!

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Bachelor Pad Season Finale Recap: Who Played The Best Game?

Bachelor Pad Season 3 began with a mix of fan favorites, drunken losers, and super fans. Last week, Nick Peterson and Rachel Trueheart won the final challenge and chose to bring Chris Bukowski and Sarah Newlon with them to the finale. Ed Swiderski and Jaclyn Swartz were eliminated. They were beyond shocked. With a murderous look in her eye, Jaclyn sobbed, "Rachel is dead to me." 

Chris Harrison welcomes back the Bachelor Pad losers… Ryan "not gettin' any" Hoag, Kalon McMahon and Lindzi Cox (cheers), Reid Rosenthal (lukewarm cheer), Jaclyn and Ed, Erica Rose, Jamie Otis (ready for a costume party, absolute silence), Tony Pieper and Blakeley Jones (cheers), and Michael Stagliano (huge cheer). Also, the super fans – SWAT, David, Donna, Paige, Brittany, and Erica.

The losers vote for the winning couple of Bachelor Pad 3. Who will it be – Nick and Rachel or Chris and Sarah? And, as always, there's only one prize in Bachelor Pad. <wink, wink>

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Bachelor Pad Recap: Plotting Isn’t Stag’s Cup of Tea…

Oh the twists and turns of last night’s Bachelor Pad.  I have to admit, with the exception of predicting a camping date, I had it all wrong…

Blakely Jones is so thrilled that her alliance had her back.  I wonder if she’ll ever realize they weren’t keeping her around because they like her, it’s because five-star crazy is fun to watch, and they know she’ll never win.  Chris Bukowski crawls into his top bunk and burrows under his covers.  Jamie Sarah Newlon comes to his bed and starts baby-talking to him.  He’s pouting sleeping.  Chris reluctantly lets girl number three crawl into his bunk.

Kalon McMahon walks into the bedroom, and Chris wants to know why his buddy lied to his face.  Chris demolishes a rose and throws the petals at Kalon.  “How romantic,” coos Kalon, “Must be how you won Emily.”  Ouch.  With that Chris hops out of bed to go confront Ed Swiderski, leaving Sarah looking a lot like Jamie last week.  Ed says he’s more loyal to Jaclyn Swartz than he is to Chris.  When Ed raises his voice to be heard over Chris, Chris starts screaming to talk like an adult.  He’s something else, isn’t he?  I hope Sarah is picking up these red flags.  Ed can’t apologize anymore, so he’s out…and a wine glass gets smashed in the process.  Mazel Tov!

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Bachelor Pad Recap: Chris Bukowski’s Love Square

Ed Swiderski and Jaclyn Swartz celebrate Reid Rosenthal‘s Bachelor Pad boot. “On a scale of 1 to 10, I’m on cloud nine,” says Jaclyn. What does that even mean? It’s a good thing she’s so pretty.

Chris Harrison crashes the after party, bringing surveys for the exhausted and drunk Bachelor Pad players to fill out. Jaclyn thinks these surveys might have something to do with the next day’s challenge. Michael Stagliano is like, “Oh, man, I’ve seen this train wreck before.” My thoughts exactly! Where’s the popcorn?!

Kalon McMahon reads some of the questions – Who’s the ugliest? Who’s the smartest? Who’s the fattest? He says, “So, pretty much, every answer is either me or Erica Rose.”

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Bachelor Pad Recap: Hot Sludge Fundae And Backstabbing Among Friends

Last week on Bachelor Pad, Reid Rosenthal tried to convince the ladies to eliminate Ed Swiderski. Even though Sarah Newlon just hooked up with Ed, she went with the plan. Then she immediately went to Ed to apologize for voting against him. Unfortunate for Reid, Jamie Otis chose to keep a drunken Ed around Bachelor Pad, probably for the entertainment value, so Reid’s plan failed.

Ed, possibly the most unscrupulous member of the cast, questions why he’s on Bachelor Pad. “The game is all about influence, perception, and flat out lying,” Ed says. “I don’t like lying.” I’ll give you a second to digest that statement and meet you after the jump.

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Bachelor Pad Recap: Ed Swiderski’s Pickle For The Win!

Bachelor Pad is back. Last week’s premiere mainly brought us super fan angst and a drunken Ed Swiderski. 

Tonight’s episode features the never-ending fighting between the super fan twins Brittany and Erica Taltos, a rhythmic gymnastics challenge, Ed‘s pickles, and a surprising rose ceremony.

Are these blonde twins for real? Their voices and fights are mind numbing.

“Stop yelling at me,” says one. “You called me a slut,” says the other.

“Stop yelling at me!”

“You did it. I cried. You did it again. I cried again. You did it againnn. I cried againnn.”

“Stop yelling at me! I’m sorry I called you a slut. I won’t do it again, okay? I wouldn’t have said it if I were sober.”

I have no clue which one is Erica and which one is Brittany. The others are saying how annoying the twins are and that they’re walking episodes of the Jerry Springer show. It’s a sad day in your life when the Bachelor Pad contestants are making fun of you.

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Bachelor Pad Recap: Drunken Losers And Super Fans

Oh, Bachelor Pad, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways… right after I grab a loofah and scrub off the germs. I swear, just watching this show puts us all at risk of venereal diseases. Bachelor Pad 3 is summer TV at its finest, isn’t it?

As Chris Harrison welcomes us, I realize this puts me at five hours of Chris Harrison for the week. What has my life come to? Perhaps I can find some old reruns of Designer’s Challenge on HGTV just for fun. Thankfully, Chris shifts his focus from true love forever to smutty and disgusting seamlessly, so no time is wasted. Let the train wreck begin!

First, ABC reminds us who some of these Bachelor and Bachelorette losers are.

First, Emily Maynard‘s final four castaway, Chris Bukowski. Chris sits on his leather couch, wearing a jacket and shoes, reflecting on his heartbreak. Are we supposed to believe this is the exact minute Emily kicked him away? Chris “knows” going on the Bachelor Pad will help him move on from Emily. He mentions falling in love, also. He’s funny. Chris is looking forward to meeting Lindzi Cox.

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