Real Housewives of New York Recap: Free Bitch

It’s a sad day when I turn on Real Housewives of New York and the insufferable LuAnn de Lesseps isn’t so bad. Is she growing on me? Or are other ladies turning me off? And by other ladies I mean Pinot Singer, Sonja Morgan and that damn pissing poodle. Girl – get a grip!

Ramona and Sonja are cackling drunkie-drunkifers who happen to be charming in their own minds. Delusional, desperate, clinging to the disillusion that they matter, and running amok like a middle-aged hasbeen PinotDee and PinotDumb. It’s time to put down the wine and the antics and grow the eff up. Turtle Time is over.

Things begin where they left off with Heather Thomson and Aviva Drescher meeting beak to beak to discuss the inappropriateness of talking behind someone’s back. And ironically, Ramona is hiding right behind Heather’s back listening in. Cue an wine-fueled embarrassing meltdown of screaming obscenities across someone else’s party.


Heather calls Ramona “crazy” to Mario who waits approximately 10 minutes before finally, half-heartedly saying his wife isn’t crazy. Oh that was so telling. Poor Mario – imagining his life had he listened to the psychic who warned him about a golden poisoned juice which would destroy his life and wrench his manhood away!

Mario, realizing he has to at least act like he cares so he can buy more time with his mistress, launches into an argument with Heather about the merits of Ramona’s sanity and why Heather should have invited her to London. Aviva keeps piping up to defend Ramona which is the most ridiculous thing ever. From the corner where she is giggling and humping with Sonja (and imagining people find her adorable), Ramona bleats, “You don’t have to fight my bottles!” to Mario. Freudian slip. Ugh. Poor Avery.

Reid finally intervenes and reminds Mario to pull his balls out of the pinot bottle so he departs to get a glass of wine, relieved that’s over. Acting is hard work! “It runs in the family,” Heather snaps at his drink obsessing.

Aviva has made a perilous lapse in judgement and soon she will see. Soon she will understand why the other ladies avoid eye contact with Ramona and scurry quietly past with their heads down. Soon she will know why Carole Radziwill rented a spec house to host her lunch. Everyone fears the great crazy one. If she bites you, the pinot iced with venom that is her blood will poison you and render you insane. Look what happened to Sonja!

But for now, Aviva is under the wicked witch’s spell. The brainwashing probe Ramona had implanted in her brain is kicking in. ‘Ramona is perfect. Ramona is nice. Heather is indefensible. Ramona is honest. Ramona never talks about anyone. Ramona is not crazy. Heather Horrible, Ramona Great.’ Aviva parrots as she meets Heather nose to nose, red lip to red lip to defend Ramona.

Heather assumes Ramona is paying Aviva to behave as her bodyguard. If only Hesther knew the truth…

Carole, who has been hiding by the food table and scurrying round the outskirts, asks Ramona if she is OK and Ramona explodes about how much Heather sucks. For someone who is consistently bent out of shape over Heather talking behind her back, Ramona sure does talk about Heather a lot!

Ramona’s clearly crazy and coked up friend Robin chimes in to emphatically denounce “fakeness.” She hates, hates, hates, hates fake. Hates it! Yet she’s friends with Ramona. I guess Robin likes crazy. Fake is bad, but crazy and drunk is totally authentic. Like attracts like. Crazy is as crazy does. Robin was as scary as her dated pseudo Breakfast at Tiffany’s hairstyle. Yikes!

So, then Ramona and Sonja head to the plastic surgeon’s office. I don’t know why but this butt zapping is pretty much the highlight of both their lives. That’s all we need to know about the legitimacy of their sex lives. I mean we know Mario wouldn’t touch Ramona with a curtain rod, but I assumed Sonja had some male escorts on retainer.

They’re giggling and hooting and hawing about being poked and prodded and having mini penises in their stomachs. Sonja just kept yammering about being injected and how she is attracted to small penises and cat pee or something. It really just went way too far and was yet again an example of her working over-time to get this scene on the air so Bravo will cover the lipo costs.

Then Ramona pulls down her pants and humps the table in a hot pink bikini bottom while a woman zaps her ass. No, that wasn’t a bizarre mating ritual of the pinot-sauruses, nor was it some sort of deranged S&M practice found in 50 Shades… it was just Ramona getting lipo and likening it to an orgasm. Clearly, she’s misinformed… I don’t know what Mario is telling her.

And just to remind you and re-trigger a PTS moment:

The next day Aviva is refreshed and energetic. She has no idea what happened the night before – it was like a temporary coma, she was asleep so soundly and deeply she doesn’t remember a thing. She’s a little nervous, but trying not to think about it. Today is all about the children who are missing limbs. If only she could figure out what that little silver disk she found lodged in her hair was…

So she’s at spin class raising money for children who cannot afford prosthetic limbs. They are spinning for a cause, well – almost everyone is.

LuAnn shows up, confused and clueless. She has no idea this is for charity. Seriously. She just thought they were working out. Class with the Countess sure does have a lot of faux pas. No bother, she has her debit card, her bright yellow headband, and no idea how to get on a stationary bike. I kept hoping she would fall off or the bike would run away from her ala the camel from last season.

Carole and Heather arrive a little later but there nonetheless. Not there: Sonja and Ramona who have canceled last minute via text at the same exact time with lame excuses. Ramona has a dermatological emergency and Sonja has a dog with incontinence.

Aviva, feeling oddly coherent and cognizant, is appalled and shocked that someone who was supposedly her friend would bail. Do you think they would miss a cocktail party she snipes to the other ladies who actually have heard of this random concept known as friendship. I’m pretty sure for Ramona that’s still an abstract idea beyond her comprehension. Ramona can only understand two things: 1) me want 2) wine

Heather has put aside her issues with Aviva to focus on the needs of children. Heather is a mature person who probably needs to retire from reality TV before it robs her of her sanity. Speaking of sanity, the spin instructor puts on Money Can’t Buy You Class which is apt considering how annoyed Aviva is with Ramona and Sonja. LuAnn adapts an air of false humility and hilariously refuses to sing out loud to her own song. Carole, far too kind, calls the song “goofy.”

You know, I kinda liked LuAnn in this scene – she wasn’t talking very much. And then we go to talking way, way, waaay too much. Ramona takes a taxi and it must be one of those suicide mission rides. Like she annoys the driver so much with her pestering, demanding, whining, insensitive rudeness he crashes the car on purpose. I kept wondering if that cab came with an eject button. I muted her psychosis so I could preserve my own.

Carole and Aviva meet to try on jewelery they may or may not wear to St. Barths if Aviva can muster the courage to go. Aviva doesn’t do tiny planes or crazy people on isolated islands. Carole completely understands. Aviva expounds upon her phobias and Carole listens – which was rare for these shows. I liked this scene as the women seemed to be having a genuine, authentic, normal conversation between friends.

Carole spills on her relationship with Russ and explains that she doesn’t want to become a oxytocin addict so she keeps her distance. Oxytocin, not to be confused with Oxycontin, makes you needy and Carole doesn’t want to be controlled by emotions and neediness. That’s like girl stuff. Yuck. What Carole really means is she doesn’t want to be like Aviva who can’t even get on a freaking plane without her husband, her gas mask, and several xanax. She did a good job of hiding how she really felt though.

Ramona and LuAnn go shopping together. Right! I know – we haven’t seen that since S1. They’re buying bikinis for St. Barths. LuAnn, having more self-awareness than I anticipated, opts not to try on a string bikini on national TV. Thank you for that. Instead she explains to Ramona that bathing suit shopping, like masturbation, is something better done alone. You know, I agree. And she should write a book about those observations instead of a pseudo-ettiquette tome about which fork to use when you’re sitting 65 tables away from the Duchess of York at some lame, pretentious function.

So Ramona straps herself into a million unflattering suits and all I can think about is how that laser stuff she just had done didn’t work. Ramona shares that Avery is always complaining about her mother’s nipples poking out and I threw up. Then Ramona tried to talk shit about Aviva’s phobias. Apparently babysitting Aviva’s “issues” is going to interfere with her Turtle Time and she needs to get her drunk on.

‘Oh, yes you do. Oh, yes you do,’ LuAnn smirked mercurially. I love how she always sets Ramona up. It’s priceless. 500 cases of Pinot – $10,000, plastic surgery to remove pinot-bloat – $15,000, embarrassing yourself on national TV while your frienemy goads you into annihilation – priceless. That’s why LuLu needs to stay on this show.

Then came the only redeeming moment of the show. Aviva went to A Step Ahead to get a little boy his running legs. It was so beautiful I was crying. Watching Jake learn to run and seeing how incredibly happy and free he was made me resent Ramona and Sonja even more for ruining our happy feelings and glee.

So, finally, the big to-do. Ramona is hosting a luncheon at her apartment. At this lunch will be Sonja (and her ever-pissing dog woes), Ramona (who is pissing her life away on pinot), Carole (who is laughing so hard she’s trying not to piss), and Aviva (who is just plain ol’ pissed).

Carole sits the two cackling wine monsters down and she lays it to them straight: Aviva is furious that they bailed on her charity and the last-minute synchronized cancellation texts look mighty suspicious. Cue the excuses. There were more excuses rolling around that living room than there were empty bottles of wine.

I interrupt this program to inquire if anyone else noticed that Ramona had a Wine O’clock clock in her home. Yep – it’s always winetime in Singerland and that’s exactly the problem!

Anyway, Sonja claims her dog was like pooping on her head and her house had become a diorama of animal expulsion smells and Ramona is all like, I had a rash and cortisone wasn’t doing it so I had to make an emergency dermo appt. Then they clasp hands like star-crossed lovers, tear up, and enact a scene from Days of Our Lives. It was pathetic. Lies are always pathetic. Oh, I forgot  -Ramona doesn’t like – she tells it like it is.

Carole is like bull-t0-the-shit bitches and warns them the wrath of Aviva is all ‘acomin – and Sonja better shuttit about that pissing dog!

So Aviva rolls in and she’s smiles and compliments but you can tell it’s an act. They sit down to lunch and Ramona throws some crumpled up envelope at her and says it’s a donation for the charity. She probably also put in a note demanding any legs bought with her money stay far away from water. Don’t let the kids swim!

Aviva handled it with class and Sonja just sat there brushing her hair out of her eyes. She just cannot afford to a meager donation. She must buy dog diapers and febreeze and masturbatory plastic surgery procedures. These are essentials if she wishes to procure her next rich hubby.

Well, that was a cue for Aviva to wonder just where the hell these two hung-over bitches were when everyone else was spinning their brains out for children? Ramona starts on repeat saying sorries she doesn’t mean. She’s like a parrot: sorry, sorry, sorry without internalizing one thing that she’s saying. It’s horrible. Aviva points this out and Ramona starts to get squirrely and pissed.

Ramona tries to blame Aviva for not being assertive as the reason she didn’t spin for legs and says Aviva shouldn’t be saying disappointed when she’s actually angry. It’s called a freaking social nicety Ramona. Aviva sits there, literally stunned, and Carole’s head is darting back and forth like she’s watching a tennis match.

Then Sonja starts on this tirade about the dog. Look, I feel bad for her I love my dog and he’s old. However Sonja starts wailing about how her intern gave her dog the wrong pill and it’s peeing and pooping all over the bed and now her gay intern has to sleep in her bed with poodle turds. Seriously – is that even legal working conditions? Please for the love of humanity call OSHA.

And apparently this is affecting her sex life, which is entirely comprised of small penises, because it’s like totally not very sexy to have a dog wearing diapers sleeping in your bed. Ramona is nodding sympathetically, and dabbing her eyes, and seconding motions of pooping poodle issues. Aviva and Carole are wondering when they entered crazy town?

Sonja goes on and on about the incontinence and the poops until Aviva screams, “It wasn’t about me or my charity! It was about the children! WHO ARE MISSING LEGS!”

Carole looks like she really wants a tranquilizer gun.

Finally everyone settles down after going round and round in circles of crazy talk and they come to some sort of tepid understanding and start eating lunch. Until Ramona kicks them out since it’s Turtle Time.

That was a complete mess.