Real Housewives of New York Recap: Dead Calm

Last night on Real Housewives of New York gale force winds and torrential rains swept through the tiny island of St. Barths. Yes, Hurricane Aviva had arrived and she was there with a vengeance and a fury. Whipping through the villa, shaking the trees with the huffs and blows of her screams and drenching the luxury with her tears and anger. 

Oh, Aviva Drescher. She wanted a red carpet, a cookie, for her husband to be exalted as a saint all because she got on an airplane and showed up. Too bad everyone else was like, 'whatever bitch – have a drink.' So yeah – needless to say paths were crossed, enemy lines were drawn, and her arrival sank like a torpedoed submarine. 

Before we get to all of that, the girls are still – shockingly – getting along, despite Pinot Singer's insistence at stalking the lovely and handsome pirate one night stand of LuAnn de Lesseps. 'Tomas! Whacha do last night? ' Pinot leered, wine sloshing over the top of her glass, wine bloat bursting out of her hideous flesh-colored dress, eyes popping and crackling with desire. Not desire for Tomas you understand, but desire for incriminating information. 


Ramona pursued him all across the villa practically using CIA torture tactics to get information out of him. She probably threatened to molest him if he didn't admit to fondling LuAnn in the bushes the night before. To his credit, Tomas (probably used to being interrogated about his salacious affairs) squiggled out of it like a true con-man. He knew just how to play Ramona like a fiddle, deflecting her questions, and mumming sweetness. 'We just talked in Italian, actually it was my Doppelganger,' he finally revealed scurrying away at warp speed.

LuAnn owes that man big time. I do wonder how much she paid Tomas for his silence… Upon his return to the group, his accent was remarkably clear as he called Ramona "crazy." 

Unfortunately for Tomas, yet another menopausal cougar on the prowl launched upon him. THIS one wearing an outfit straight out of Madonna's closet circa 1992. Sexy Sonja (officially abandoning Mrs. Tremont Morgan) donned a completely see-thru white (too tight) blouse, white (too tight) micro-mini, and a visible white bra, was dry humping Tomas around ever corner. It was like watching a Poison video – I half expected her to pour wine down her shirt and start caressing herself while gyrating on a lawnchair. She's hot, sticky sweet, and ready for him to pour some sugar on her!

Sonja too is intent to know the truth behind his affair with LuAnn… Sonja in St Barths takes no one's sloppy seconds… that's only Sonja In the City (ahem… Harry Dubin). Tomas demurs that he and de ex-comtess were just drinking and talking together. Good enough for Sonja! Suddenly her skirt is getting shorter… 

After weighing his options and realizing Carole Radziwill wouldn't put out, Tomas decided in order to escape the lair he would just screw one of these cougars in heat and sneak out the back door. He eeny, meeny, miny, moe-ed and since LuAnn gave him a don't you dare even try look, Sonja was the lucky Moe. So off they went where they allegedly performed a sex act illegal in 32 states. Bravo bleeped out "butt sex, " but I'll repeat it loud and clear. And Sonja apparently had the bruises to show for it. T.M.I overdose! 

Poor Heather Thomson, unfortunately, walked in and got an eyeful. Please God make this show go. away. Heather always gets the short end of the stick – she's harassed by Ramona, forced to endure the sweet murmurings of LuAnn and Tomas, and then unfortunately stumbles upon the sexytimes of Sonja, her arse, and Tomas – another arse. 

Moving on, it is Pinot's turn to plan a day in the tropics. Surprisingly it didn't involve swimming in a vat of Ramona Singer Pinot Grigio. She probably tried to get the villa to replace all the water in the pool with wine, but Bravo wouldn't pay for it. Ramona decided to have all the ladies on a boat out to sea. I kept having visions of Dead Calm, but instead I was treated to Hot Flash: Cougars Gone Wild.

I'm not sure which is scarier… 

So Sonja and Ramona are practicing kama sutra in their bathing suits, talking about how their stomachs are paid for (refund?), and marveling at how they're getting along with everyone. Until Aviva comes then they know there will be problems. That horrible Reid is infiltrating their lesbiana vacation. He's going to make it impossible for them to naked romp in the pool and fake feel each other up for attention and act like drunk wino sluts.

Heather, LuAnn, and Carole are lounging calmly, chatting, and discussing real life. LuAnn and Carole seem to have made a turn around. Carole plays boat spy and peeps up to check out what's happening with the porn end of the boat. Oh! They're boob rubbing! Oh, frolicking in the water! Oh, no – they've trapped the unwilling captain in a forced menage a trois. Oh, LuAnn sighs… 'I had enough menage a anything with my Italian friends!' 

Then Ramona and Sonja put on swimsuits from the Teresa Giudice Collection for Forever Desperate and complain that there's no shade at lunch. One of the poor boat captains, help hostage and forced to participate in Pinotpocalypse Now must hold a towel up to shade the fair maiden Ramona while she indulges in her 65th pinot of the day. Did I mention it's noon?

While the girls are soaking up the sun, Aviva is soaking up the drama. She and Reid have made it to the airport and are about to board the tiny plane for St. Barths. Aviva is clearly not faking her anxiety or she is a really, really good actress. She has Reid in a death grip, she's got her Risky Business blazer on, she's got an iPod full of anti-anxiety songs, and she's practicing all her Lamaze breathing. I was focusing on how much I loved their luggage. 

Meanwhile Ramona and Sonja have escaped their parents to go rent another house in secret. Just in case they need to party it up alone away from that horrible Reid and his gross penis. EW – BOYS! So… Tomas is allowed. And Russ is allowed, but no Reid? They're really obsessed aren't they. Is it because Reid is a husband and it reminds these two broads that their husbands are disappeared and couldn't care less?

Later, knowing Aviva and Reid are coming, Ramonja go skinny dipping. When Aviva arrives, clearly exalted that she conquered her fear and on a rush of adrenaline, Ramonja greet her coolly and make no effort to emerge from the pool. The other ladies, cheer, and celebrate and Aviva passes out gifts. Despite the pleasantries Aviva has laser focused on an instance of rudeness. It is a dangerous path to go treading through choppy water at night, Aviva. Go back inside and away from the dark, deep end of the ocean. 

Reid, desperate to escape the madness he senses brewing on the horizon, quickly flees towards the light and away from the high beams (I so hope you get my reference). Ramonja are relieved he has no interest in interacting with them and Sonja tells him so. And things are momentarily appeased. We thought. 

Unfortunately Aviva is already squirly over the pool exchange. The anxiety which has turned to adrenaline is bottled so tight if it's touched it will explode. In the kitchen over drinks and snacks, a button is pushed and she erupts. It started with Ramona claiming it wasn't fair that Aviva brought her husband when Mario had no interest in coming was forced to stay home. Aviva's words, venomous and raucous, come spewing out like hot scalding lava. She accuses Ramonja of being drunks, which Ramona laughably denies, meanwhile she is literally seeping pinot onto the kitchen floor as it oozes from her pores. 

LuAnn's expression is bemused, if I could read her mind it would be saying, 'oh goody… entertainment.' I like your style LuLu. 

Aviva backs Ramona into a corner, stares down at her, and threatens to withhold pinot for a week if she doesn't admit that Reid is an unwelcome guest. Ramona doles out that she feared Reid would "change the dynamic." Sonja, petrified, keeps to her wine while Aviva leans around her and derides Ramona with, well, the truth! It was awesome.

LuAnn decides now would be the perfect time to up the ante, so she oh-so-casually mentions that Ramona tried to persuade her to ask Reid to leave. And that is it. Aviva cannot believe how mean, how ungracious, how inelegant Ramona – a woman she presumed was her friend – is being. Has Aviva not tuned in to season 1-4? If looks could kill, Ramona would be a puddle of pinot. 

Aviva wants the ladies to worship at the alter of Reid and celebrate his greatness in the Festival of Drescher. Dreschival? FestiReid? She wants celebration, balloons descending from the rafters. Reid is the savoir of them all because he has delivered their fair maiden Aviva to the Isle of Debauchery – Neverneverland where the ladies never grow old or saggy or filled with cellulite and night sweats. At least not in their minds… 

To her credit, Ramona shared some advice with Aviva that often works for her. "TAAAAAKE A XAAAAANAX AND CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLMMMMM DOWN," she bellows so loudly the burlesque dancers at Le Ti heard the commotion and assumed someone had stage fright. 

That was not the advice Aviva was looking for. Instead of xanax she was looking for WWF. And so she gets dirty. She calls them out on their turtle time antics and being rude in general. She hits them in the soft core where they are defenseless and the pain is sharp and acute, "You're both white trash, quite frankly!" she snaps punching their insecurities in the gut. Well, ouch! The truth hurts.

While name calling is so declasse, sometimes well… it happens. How do you say "White Trash" in three languages? Does Vassar teach a course? I personally think Aviva just hadn't come down from her travel high and instead of taking a shower, eating something, and unpacking first she went straight for the wine and the Ramona. Ramona tries to blame LuAnn, who suddenly doesn't understand English and forgot something she had to go do immediately. 'Bye gals!' she trills making a beeline for Carole's room to exonerate herself. 

So, that was um… something! Even LuAnn was surprised it went so far. Sonja is upset, in her room with Ramona preparing to go to Russ' concert and dinner, she begins to cry. Sonja, poor Sonja. Once so pretty and promising is now just a sloppy second but she has a nice heart no? She wants it to go away. She wants an apology and a reassurance and she doesn't want any mean and nasty new friends. She wants everything to go back to the way it was before. When she was fresh and new and someone important's wife, when no one would ever call Mrs. Tremont Morgan white trash. Ramona touches her face, looks into her friend's eyes, and strangely becomes the grown-up. It was sweet. Touch therapy, indeed. 

Aviva is rejuvenated. She has washed those horrible women out of her hair and after insisting she and Reid will go to a hotel since they have not been welcomed enough, she's over it and wants to party. LuAnn, Heather, and Carole stand there trying to digest it all; unfortunately they've been eating crazy morning, noon, and night and now eating insanity for dessert is putting them over the edge. Carole urges Aviva to relax, take a break, and go get ready, but to definitely stay at the house. 

But then Sonja emerges on the scene and Aviva and Sonja go at it again. Aviva gets all uppity and UES on Sonja, by throwing her upper class roots in her face and her fancy degrees and her tri-lingual status. Carole and Heather are trying to batten down the crazy, fending off the blow-hard winds and wine-rain to save their lives. 'Quick!' says Carole, 'Get the tranquilizer gun! Or at least the wine opener!' 

There is much to do about who said what, when and why and how rude and incredible it all was. Aviva and Carole have officially been initiated into HW double-speak, backstabbing, and manipulating. Carole just wants to curl her hair and escape, but it's not over yet. 

Then, Ramona and LuAnn get into it. Ramona accuses her of being the one to start the discussion about asking Reid to leave and for not being the appointed diplomat. Ramona gets right up in Lu's face, all makeup-less 5' feet of her, breathes her pinoty breath on her and seethes: "You didn't diplomat shit." Now I don't remember LuAnn initiating that conversation, I do remember her saying Carole should be the one to ask him to leave and agreeing the dynamic would change with his arrival.

I also remember that Ramona should never, ever, EVER appear on TV without make-up again. "You're nuts!" LuAnn announces by way of the truth and then quickly shimmies to the sane quarter of the house.

Speaking of Doppelganger, Tomas has one at that house and so too, apparently, does Ramona. Leaving Pinot on a shelf in her bathroom, Avery's mother comes downstairs recognizing that Aviva has perhaps gone round the bend so she decides to suck it up and calm things down. Ramona admits she was in the wrong and encourages Aviva and Reid to stay.  Well – knock me over with a semen and wine stained feather boa from Le Ti – Ramona apologized! <<hugs! Fake, Fake, Fake I don't do fake! I hate fake! hugs!>>

Then there is a great discussion about matching sparkly dresses and everyone goes to dinner. Carole is pissed that the evening which was supposed to be about Russ' show has been high jacked by Housewives drama. 

Reid stays home and looks up insane asylums on his laptop and Heather takes a cue from Ramona and downs the tequila like it's spring water. Everyone attempts to keep it classy… except Aviva, who despite the hugs can't stop making passive aggressive comments.

Carole urges Aviva to apologize. And Ramona, miraculously shuts up, enjoys being the victim for a while, and thinks hey – it's kinda nice to not have everyone hate you over an inappropriate outburst. Maybe I should try this more often… Waiter! More wine! 

The end. 



Photo Credit: Bravo TV