I don't know about y'all but I am totally loving Real Housewives of Miami thus far. I don't know why; it's got a fun vibe, a rich vibe, and a kooky one. So that means next season someone will be a suicidal drug addict who escapes from Promises welding a stiletto as a weapon and is on a homicidal rampage after plastic surgery made her a cyclops and her AMEX Black Card was cut up at the Saks White Sale because her husband declared bankruptcy after it came out that he was selling aftermarket implants. Anyone that gets the Troop Beverly Hills nod in this sentence wins my eternal love. 

Anyway, enough about my super secret gift as a medium (watch it Alison DuBois – I'm comin' for you electronic cig blazing!), let's talk shop and get to the recap. 

Things begin with gossip before breakfast – or maybe it was lunch – I couldn't tell. Alexia Echevarria comes over to Ana Quincoces' house to discuss the delusions of Karent Sierra. See Karent isn't just clueless about how to spell "Karen," she's also clueless about boyfriend Rodolpho's definition of the word "boyfriend." 

Alexia does not like Karent right off the bat, she thinks she is icy and aloof. I agree. Something about her just doesn't translate well. Ana just seems to think it's odd that Karent is completely in the dark about Rodolpho's texting habits. 


Speaking of those two, the most in love couple in the city of Miami. To prove she loves him as much as he loves himself, Karent has arranged some special his and hers couples massage with some purposefully arranged rose pedals. Bravo tried its damnedest to get a NSFTV between the legs porno shot of Karent but luckily fate intervened and I was spared an in depth view of her bikini wax. 

Karent thinks this is the perfect time to bring up marriage. As in Rodolpho proposing to her cause she knows he's the one and is ready to take things to the next level. Rodolpho knows she's the one for right now since she's putting out paying for the massage, he feeds her a line about how he is still recovering from his divorce. 

This massage scene is rubbing me the wrong way. Pun intended. Get a room. Ugh. Next! 

Speaking of couples working on their relationship, Fembot Hochstein visits Dr. Fakenstein (aka Lenny) at work with a little reminder that she is his number one boob. I mean girl. Lisa has decided she isn't present enough in his office and since he's poking at tits all day these ladies looking for discounts need to know he is a taken man – and Fembot will turn her robotic machine gun nips on anybody that gets too close to Dr. Fakenstien. 

Fembot has brought a ton of photos to display around the office – which I think is totally fine, and normal – but Lenny doesn't seem to want people to remember he is married. I though Lisa was his best creation?! Fembot thinks all those like doctory pictures with the um like things that say that he trained to stuff boobs and isn't just some perv should go and be replaced by a bikini shot of her. I mean what's better advertising – her rack or his like medical license? Boring!

She also doesn't like the Playboy Magazine cover bearing the image of his ex-girlfriend. Perhaps he is the Boob God if his work is gracing the pages of Playboy. Truthfully though I think Lisa and Lenny are sort of cute together and although she's a little wacky she's fairly benign. Her boobs on the other hand, well they scare me. So too do her lips. One thing I will say about Lisa – at least she is truly a housewife!

Moving onto another couple in peril, Joanna Krupa is playing referee between her sister Marta and her fiance of a thousand years, Romain. There is such an odd vibe between Marta and Romain – I can't tell if it's brother/sister relationship or something dastardly is happening.

Anyway, Romain and Marta can't stand each other and it's sort of affecting his relationship with Joanna. Joanna feels protective towards Marta and explains she will always be loyal to her sister. Which probably means this relationship isn't going to work out. Then Marta "walks in" on Romain ( under the guise of looking for Joanna) when he's in the shower. She is greeted by his woodpecker in the forest. Or as she put it, his "dingdong." Marta is traumatized, Joanna is envious since she hasn't seen the manparts in months. 

Joanna forgets that reality TV one-on-ones are not a private moment with your therapist when she admits the couple scarcely has sex anymore and Romain doesn't even seem to care. Which leads me to speculate that he may just be getting it somewhere else! I think Marta either knows something is up or Marta knows something is up. If you catch my drift! 

Moving over to Lea Black's house all seems well with her marriage. She and her son RJ watch Roy Black's closing arguments for a big case he is trying. Lea seems proud of her husband and impressed with his accomplishments. Lea has an articulate conversation with her son (who is all of 10 or 11) about the case and this kid is definitely on the ball. 

Lea reveals that she met Roy on jury duty. He was the lawyer on the case and after the trial ended asked her out and the rest is history. How Lifetime Movie cute is that?!

Next up Adriana de Moura and her fiance Frederic are headed to a yacht showroom to get inspiration for the 1920s yacht they are restoring to live on. Adriana has invited Fembot and Dr. Fakenstein to accompany them. This yacht is fabulous – it really puts Overboard to shame. I mean, it did not look like a boat. 

Despite the luxury, Lisa is confused about who would want to live on a boat, she doesn't get why Adriana would go along with this. Adriana intones that she thinks it will be romantic. Romantic like Titanic or Blue Lagoon or Overboard or Dead Calm? Yeah, I don't know about this one. 

Lisa thinks it will be more like a pirate ship. Complete with canons that shoot bottles of champagne? That I'd go for. Adriana could have a plank and all badly dressed people who visit will have to walk it. Lea will most certainly be the first to go! 

After touring the yacht, Lisa and Adriana talk marriage and motherhood. Adriana apparently doesn't wear her ball and chain aka engagement ring. She also doesn't think she and Frederic will have more children and she's OK with that. Lisa reveals that she and Lenny have been trying to conceive for three years and it hasn't happened yet. That's sad. I hope she's able to have a baby. Poor Lisa. 

Next up Adriana pays Mama Elsa a visit at her home. Adriana is wearing an outfit that I can only describe as Smurf Couture. It was a bright blue top and a matching bright blue pair of pants. Mama Elsa thought she looked nice. Mama Elsa wears metallic Keds. 

Mama Elsa is doing a reading of sorts on Adriana to help her figure out her future. Adriana says Elsa is like her mom and she really respects her. Mama Elsa reveals to Adriana that Frederic loves her more than she loves him and getting married is probably not going to happen. Adriana is surprisingly OK with that since she isn't ready to move past her divorce. If you recall her ex-husband was cheating on her with another woman – whom he was also married to – and she discovered the affair when their son was 3 months old. 

Adriana confesses that she is afraid to rely on a man financially after what happened. Elsa tells her to put her head in a pillowcase that has a lot of money. Marysol Patton interpreted on twitter that Mama meant she should establish a nest egg for herself but go ahead and use the man's money! 

Then we visit Karent at work. Apparently her office is a "dental spa" and in addition to drilling they offer manicures, massages and some other treatments. OK then. I guess celebs can't even go to the dentist normal. I thought my dentist's office was special because they had individual TVs for each chair and you could watch whatever you want. 

After her last patient Karent has a totally fake looking discussion with her publicist. She claims walking the red carpet has gotten her a lot of celebrity clients which is why she needs a publicist. She pretends to be annoyed that she's booked for so many events, but her face is glowing – she loves the attention and the feeling of importance, you can tell. Karent is drinking a glass of wine during the meeting – at first I thought she was drinking and drilling which gave me the heebie jeebies, but apparently she was done for the day. Ugh – thank goodness! 

Mama Elsa shows up at Marysol's office to cleanse the energy or something because she wants Marysol to get married "again and again." Marysol is wearing this amazing, 3D architectural blouse that looks like a fancy, classy pinata and I sort of love it desperately. Mama Elsa gets out her perfume and a bag of rice which she starts throwing over everyone's heads while they check email at their desks. She asks them if they want to get married then blasts them in the face with perfume. 

Marysol is convinced it worked. I am convinced it didn't. 

Joanna and Romain are out to dinner and Joanna intends to discuss the status of their relationship. She lays it all out there: 'we've been engaged for five years – either marry me now or we break up.' Romain tries to stall, but Joanna is not having it although she does admit it was her fault they did not get married right after they became engaged because she wanted to focus on her career instead of planning a wedding. However things have changed for her, but unfortunately Romain is too comfortable to take things to the next level. Oooohhh… this isn't looking good for those two. Although , I'm impressed with Joanna – she is one straightforward broad. 

And on the opposite spectrum, Adriana is trying to convince Frederic not to marry her! Even though he treats her like a princess and makes perfect French eggs she just can't wrap her head around the idea of being Mrs. Frederic. You think Frederic would pick up on the clues since she doesn't even wear her engagement ring (which she was begging for last season). Instead he coddles her and over-acts. #storyline. 

Adriana, taking a cue from Rodolpho, feeds him a line about waiting until their boat is done before tying the not. She dubs it a good excuse. Lame. 

Finally the drama! The ladies are all headed for the annual Swine and Wine Fest – it's some sort of wine and food festival. The only thing swiney however is Rodolpho who proves himself to be a pig, and the only thing whiney are the ladies themselves as they bicker over said pig.  

Everyone is attending and Fembot still doesn't like Lea who for some odd reason seems to be ignoring her. I mean I heard Lea doesn't deal with stupid, but I think it's more that she doesn't deal with people who she perceives are usurping her territory. And by that I mean the fact that the Fakensteins bought the mansion on Star Island out from under her. 

Marysol and Lea seem to have made amends as they discuss the new girls – Lea reveals she likes everyone but not for long. Marysol shares that Mama Elsa was worried that people saw up her dress when she fainted – or that her hair looked bad! Priorities make the Victorian Laaahdeee, right Maeysawl. 

Fembot succinctly declares that Lea "isn't nice." True, True… well unless you are Romain. Lea is drooling all over that man like she's at a Chippendales Show and Romain is the lead peen popping, booty-shaking, good time. Joanna seems to find it amusing and isn't afraid to share. Perhaps she's used to sharing Romain. Also not perturbed is Roy who seems to be avoiding camera time. 

Lisa decides that unlike Lea, she is nice. So she invites Marta to come and stay with her to let Joanna and Romain have time to themselves to figure things out. Apparently their relationship has been very rocky as of late. Marta has already packed her bags. 

So Karent arrives with her boyfriend and she is disgusted by the fact that some people (ahem… Rodolpho Ana and Alexia) are spreading gossip that she and Rodolpho aren't in a real relationship. Because of that she avoids them. Adriana, annoyed with the drama, decides to go straight to source. She marches Karent across the party to the table containing Ana, Alexia, Marysol, and Lea

Adriana demands to know bout the nature of Ana's relationship with Rodolpho and asks if she has been texting him. Ana is like, 'Bitch please – your man is texting me and making MY boyfriend mad. Tell him to lose my number before I file a restraining order on his ass.'

Karent, looking nervous, says that he got a text from Ana last night! Ana, ever the lawyer,  wants proof. She claims Rodolpho has someone else's number stored under her name. Interesting… and strangely I am very inclined to believe Ana! Karent, ever delusional and desperate to be Mrs. Latin Soap Star, claims lots of over-zealous fans stalk Rodolpho on Facebook and twitter, so Ana must be one of those. 

At this point Ana points out that it is Rodolpho who is posting on her Facebook page – even on Valentine's Day when he sent a racy message about dipping her in chocolate or something. Karent is like not possible, we were getting dinner together. He loves me! He loves me lots. Then deciding that's too much realism she scampers away. Ana pulls up the incriminating Facebook post and the proof is in the pudding. 

Marysol sighs and wants a drink. She wants a shot of "ignorant bliss" – actually make it a double, which is what Karent's drinking. Great line. 

I have to hand it to Adriana – that was a gangsta move. It was straight up adult (shocking, right?) to walk up to the issue, confront it, and decide 'hey – if you're my friend I have your back so let's figure out what these bitches are up to.' Unfortunately Karent isn't willing to believe Rodolpho doesn't spend his nights out of town dreaming of her dentisty touch. He's probably using her for free veneers. 

Next week: Joanna has a meltdown and Fembot shows us the power of boobs. 

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