Real Housewives of Miami Recap: Are You Gonna Eat That…?

Last night on Real Housewives of Miami, drama was as plentiful as the uneaten food. Joanna Krupa may or may not have caught her fiancé in the throes of a passionate affair. And Adriana de Moura may or may not have accused Karent Sierra of being a desperate delusional famewhore to her face. Oh – and best of all Mama Elsa my or may not have threatened to beat a drag queen's ass. Yep, never a dull moment in the Sunshine State!

Things begin at Alexia Echevarria's party. Karent has come guns blazing after Joanna slipped and told her Adriana was planning to confront her about famewhoring. Karent is like I'll worry about that after photos! CHEESE. That girl was in her Mecca all over the step n repeat! 

Inside the party the awkwardness is palpable right away and Adriana is following Karent with narrowed eyes just waiting to strike. Karent is also acting like nothing weird has ever happened with Ana Quincoces and Rodolfo as she keeps trying to yank her in for more photos. Girl – how many photos do you need?


Mama Elsa is just like wheeeerrre eeeeese the wine? Right, steer me in that direction too. But maybe she had a little too much wine because she's sitting down with Adriana when Elaine Lancaster strolls up for a friendly chat. Mama Elsa is not impressed and immediately calls Elaine out on talking shit about Marysol Patton.

Elsa basically tells Elaine to go scratch in septuagenarian Cuban style. "I will hit you with my pocketbook," she snaps before putting a curse on him that he can never wear heels again! Then she gets up and walks away. Well, she had some difficultly getting up but she wasn't about to let Elaine Lancaster loan her a hand. Mama Elsa does not play. 

Later all the ladies are hanging out, talking when Lea Black plops down next to Marysol and hands her an "official" Black Gala invite. Marysol is like, ugh. I have way better things to do than socialize with Queen Latifah and Lea's snide remarks, I have a date. Lea sort of kind of apologizes for the last week's green card comment about Philippe, but doesn't really take accountability and then insists it's a well-known Miami joke. 

Marysol is still fuming. And she does not accept Lea's apology. "I got an invite wrapped in an insult," she snaps before moving seats to sit next to Ana. Musical drama chairs! My favorite Housewives game. Lea, completely undeterred, scoots closer to Mama Elsa. Lea is some kinda lady. 

Then things get EVEN weirder. Karent sidles over and plops in between Mama Elsa and Lea. Mama Elsa claims she has neck problems and can't look at Karent. #convenientexcuse. Then Adriana is like we need to talk… NOW. Karent is like Ok, tehehehe, look I'm still smiling. Photo op, anyone? 

So it's the Extra T vs. Dramadriana show down. Adriana is all in the middle of telling Karent she's desperate for attention, and completely embarrassing when Alexia is like what is going on here? Alexia doesn't want drama at her party, yet she causes drama and a big scene. Interestingly she tells us she's known Rodolfo for years and had never heard of Karent being his girlfriend… until RHOM started filming. Interesting indeed. 

Karent, for some odd reason tells Alexia always prayed for Frankie and offered support through her difficult time and Alexia snaps. She tells Karent to get. out. Personally, I don't know why Alexia got involved in the argument. It wasn't really necessary, but she did make some good points about Karent always having a fake smile and being oblivious to others in social situations. And her social climbing. Karent absolutely had no business bringing Frankie into the situation, though. 

The whole time all these arguments were happening  ALL I could focus on was the FABULOUS jewelry these ladies are rocking!

Karent doesn't even seem to get it that Alexia has thrown her out and she goes back to the table, says good-bye to everyone like they actually like her, and then she leaves like oh well, that wasn't very fun. CHEESE. That girl would probably grin through a root canal with no Novocaine. Well, that's that!

So, Marta Krupa is officially moving into Fembot Fakenstein's house. And really, who would complain. It's huge, there's a maid, a wine fridge, a pool, free Botox, and Lisa is fun. Joanna is helping her move, but she isn't really happy about it even though she knows she needs space with Romain Zago. Speaking of which, he has been up to some pretty shady behaviors as of late. 

Fembot suggests Joanna do some domestic stuff, you know like make some food. Maybe a TV Dinner – or better yet, take out! Yeah, that'll prove she's dedicated to the relationship. 

Joanna decides to call Ana for some help in the domestics department. Even though Joanna has a kitchen somewhere in her condo, she's never actually used anything but the fridge which is where she stores wine, tonic, and anti-aging skin creams. 

Before Ana can help with that mess, she pays a visit to Alexia to check in following the blow-up with Karent. Frankie is outside playing basketball and it's very sad. Alexia shares with Ana why it was so inappropriate for Karent to bring up her son and she breaks down sobbing. Alexia admits her "Cuban side" came out, but Karent deserved it with her bizarre fake behavior. 

Later Karent tells her version of events to Fembot and really this couldn't have been the same argument. Both women had completely different accounts, which is often the case with drama! Karent feels the girls ganged up on her and particularly Alexia was completely out of line. Karent claims she brought up Frankie to remind Alexia she was a good friend.  Lisa thinks Karent should tell them to kiss her ass. Like this!

Back at the Krupa condo, Joanna has been wandering around looking for that oven thing in the ummmm… kitchen? Is that what it's called? In the process she stumbles upon Romain's computer, which just so happens to be opened to a whole long email (text?) chain from his possible mistress. Romain is telling her he wants to leave Joanna and take this new girl on romantic vacations. 

Joanna is devastated! How dare Romain want to leave a supermodel for some pathetic go-go dancer! She calls Marta to fill her in on the latest. Marta thinks Romain needs to be dumped. Joanna decides it's time to bust out the mushroom risotto instead. She calls Ana for a little emergency recovery. 

Ana has her own relationship problems. Her not really ex-husband wants to sever their professional ties as well. Ana is worried he'll screw her by starting his own practice and taking on huge, money-making cases. He offers to half everything. Then she wants Robert to sign a pre-prenup if he ever gets remarried to protect their daughter's inheritance. While I think that makes sense, this whole story of their relationship just doesn't ring true. It's very odd… 

Ana says Robert is gullible and gets taken advantage of, which isn't exactly what I want to hear about an attorney. I'll file him in my 'Do Not Hire,' list… just in case! Maybe that's Ana's plan so she can snag all the high profile cases. Clearly, I watch too many soap operas. 

Joanna meets Ana at Whole Foods and she seems confused about what happens there. Um… like food stuff? Has Joanna ever encountered food before? 

Ana helps her shop and gives her some relationship advice about how she has to fight to keep the spark and respect in her relationship. Joanna decides she wants Romain and is ready to fight – and let him know she takes him seriously. 

Marta has a different opinion. She and Fembot order Chinese food and they sit on Lisa's bed consciously ignoring it while Marta fills her in on what's going on with Romain. I was too busy wondering if they were going to eat that to care what they were saying. How could you let all that yummy food just sit there?!

Back at Joanna's she's apparently raided Home Goods and purchased these things called dishes to serve her dinner on. OK – they don't have dishes? What exactly do these people do in their house? Marta comes over to help Joanna cook and organize, which is basically code for Marta came over to help Joanna have a meltdown and be the brunt of her frustration. 

Joanna is screaming at Marta about everything. She wants Marta to do stuff, then stop doing stuff, then quit doing stuff wrong, then shut up or she'll make Marta leave, but Marta has to stay and do stuff to the rice because Joanna can't do it herself. Joanna needs a Xanax and to get a clue. How old is she exactly?

While Joanna goes to change into something that resembles the nightgowns worn by I Dream Of Jeanie, apparently Marta has destroyed the risotto so Ana gets an emergency phone call about salvaging it while Marta is banished to clean up plastic bags strewn across the kitchen. Marta decides she is not going to be there when Romain arrives so she leaves Joanna to continue freaking out and whining while frothing around in her swimsuit cover-up which she has mistakenly assumed is a dress. 

When Romain comes home he is impressed. Joanna dumps some glop on his plate and glares at him. She says they need to work on their relationship – well really he does because she knows all about his little sexting ordeal. Romain, to his credit, fully admits it and explains he was really fed up with her work making her depressed and unhappy at that time. And she left him for several months so she could figure out what was going on. They decide they're going to try and make it work. 

I noticed they too did not eat their food. Dang, people on RHOM let a lot of good looking for go to waste. Clearly that's why they're all so thin… Although in fairness, Joanna's risotto looked a little scary.

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