Real Housewives of Miami Recap: Merkin Me Crazy!

Aaaahhh… Miami a town where boobs come out to support charity. And not just the kind of boobs stuffed in a bra. Some of those boobs go by the name Joe Francis

Last night on Real Housewives of Miami there was a ton of T&A – meaning a lot of trashiness and a lot of asses. Poor Fembot Fakenstein got it into her pretty little head that she could upstage the mighty Lea Black, Miami's resident charity queen (maybe?), by hosting a lingerie party to support Susan G. Komen. I bet Susan is so proud.

So Fembot invited 800 of Lenny's boob goddesses, asked them to wear the stuff they normally wear to the supermarket and show up at her house, checks drawn and appetite for liquor, drama, and camera time at the ready. Actually I feel bad for Lisa, I think she really thought this would be a fun event and didn't get the memo that Bravo ruins everything. Better luck next time, toots!


Lisa decided to schedule her event the day before the Black Gala, which meant this was a legitimate charity rivalry. Oooh… so Housewife-y of them! She calls Lea and pretty much begs her to come and Lea dangles her RSVP it in front of Fembot's face like it's a Botox shot that's just out of reach! Lea knows how to play that game, oh boy does she ever. See her guests to a certain lingerie event! 

Over at Lea's she's putting together last minute details for Queen Latifah's appearance at the Black Gala and organizing table settings. Adriana de Moura and Alexia Echevarria show up under the pretense of helping, but in reality they only have one concern: Karent Sierra. Both of them refuse to sit near her! Oh, high school politics. And Housewives ones. 

Adriana is wearing what is apparently the dress equivalent of a full-length bib and it keeps wobbling as she rants. It's horrible. Apparently Karent did a magazine article in which she described the women of RHOM as "classless famewhores with Botox for brains." So… I don't see the problem with that accurate description, but that opinion is not shared. 

Speaking of which the woman responsible for writing said article, Lesley Abravanel, had this to say about the situation: "It appeared in print in the Miami Herald and on my blog. Karent was not misquoted. They took my words and put them in HER mouth. They can't read! It wasn't an interview either. We met at a party. It was a conversation. She likes to talk. A lot. I like to be sarcastic. A lot." You can read the article here and here

Anyway, Lea is like, 'who cares' but Adriana is still furious about the tweet beat-off and the Venue argument and how Karent like puts Botox in people's faces while they want to get a crown. Including Adriana, who is apparently a patient of Karent's? Adriana's heckles are raised. 

Joanna Krupa is also there and since she happens to be a 'friend' of Karent's, this conversation isn't exactly happening at the right time and place. Also, Joanna sort of doesn't like Adriana after she threw herself at Romain Zago while Joanna was on a vodka bender meltdown at Mynt. Joanna tries to soothe things over by suggesting that maybe Karent was misquoted but Adriana shoots her laser beam death eyes and Joanna retreats. Adrianna is looking very witch-like this season, right? 

Joanna is all sorts of annoyed so she takes Karent to a pageant dress rental shop (a place she dubs her favorite place to shop in Miami?!?) to get gowns for the Black Gala and to let Karent know the ladies are obsessed with her and now fixated on the interview she recently gave. Joanna let's Karent know she believes the press is prone to distorting things. Karent's plastic-crack smile is like 'twhehehehehhehe. ahahahahahahha. OH! You're right – I was misquoted. You're so right, Joanna, I never said any of that.' I swear that woman's eyes never blink they just get wider and wider the crazier the moment becomes. 

Over at Alexia's, Marysol Patton stops by for some sangria and gossip. Immediately the talk is Karent and the article. I am distracted by my love of Marysol's blouse. Marysol likens Karent to a clown she had nightmares about as a child. Karent's smile is not exactly good advertising for her business. Marysol simply can't understand why Karent just doesn't go drill some teeth and stop being a social climbing, celebrity stalker. 

I really need more info about this Karent person? I mean what is going on with her? Is she about to be on My Life Is A Lifetime Movie?

Speaking of fake, Joanna is strapping a huge fake bush on her hoo-ha in support of animal rights for a PETA photoshoot at Fembot's house. Joanna is an avid supporter of animal rights and she just wants people to get their own fur and leave the animals' alone. And what better way to explain that than stuff a Dolly Parton wig in the crotch of her thong, yank off her bra, and let people know that merkins can be sexy. 

Actually I thought it was a really cute, funny ad and good for Joanna for supporting a cause she believes in. Unfortunately Joanna thinks people who wear fur are "disgusting" and "insecure." Later she and Marta Krupa film a staged scene where they pretend attack Kim Kardashian for wearing fur. Ok, then. 

It's the day of Fembot's Lingeriestravaganza and like nothing is going right cause Lisa can't work a pen and the cups may have been forgotten. Fembot admits she wants to impress Lea and prove she too can be a big charity doyenne. Well, perhaps ditching the nipple cover themed party would be a good way to start. Fembot needs help getting last minute details together and her live-in houseloaf Marta is outside sunning herself and gulping back the free champagne. Marta needs to get. a. job. 

Also getting ready for the event are Adriana and Ana Quincoces, who hit up the lingerie store for some appropriate attire. Adriana doesn't want to be upstaged by the younger crowd, i.e.. Joanna. And no offense to Adriana I'm pretty sure everyone at that party will be upstaged by Joanna! Oddly, Ana brought her daughters, which is a little yuck. 

Ana isn't really interested in rocking lingerie in front of the masses or as she put it she's "fully clothed psychologically," as opposed to Adriana who is "psychologically naked" and immediately tosses on a see thru communion gown. 

In the middle of examining crotchless panties, Adriana and Ana talk, what else, Karent! And Adriana has absolutely no intention of leaving things well enough alone at certain upcoming lingerie party. Oh dear. 

On her way to Fembot's party, Marysol stops by Mama Elsa's to do a little check in and apparently Mama Elsa has been doing some partying of her own! Hitting the sauce. Marysol thinks Mama should lie down, but Elsa will iie down when she's dead. Until then it's bottoms up! To prove her point, Mama hops up to do a little dance.

As for what Elsa would wear to a "pajama party," instead of fur it's feathers and a big caftan. Marysol happens to be wearing her grandma's petticoat and an old fur wrap that used to double as a cat bed when Elsa had possession of it. This old rag will unfortunately be the subject of controversy number one at a certain party. Oh Karent… 

Speaking of said party, Lea decided it would be a super great idea to invite the king of skeeve, ex-con Joe Francis and Elaine Lancaster, aka James to really keep things classy! I wonder if Joe will have the Girls Gone Wild van parked outside? Lea happens to be wearing a purple big bird costume as a wrap. Fembot sniffs that Lea has never met a celebrity who hasn't been convicted and sure enough, freshly divorced and newly out of jail, here he rolls – boxers on and attention seeking nonsense poking out like an erection. 

Joanna is there and she is wearing, ummm… macrame. See thru macrame. She has Karent sans Rodolfo in tow. Wait – he missed a camera opportunity? Joanna is immediately grossed out by Joe, but nonetheless she and Karent race up to go say hi. It's all smiles and kisses and remember whens. Initially. 

Then Marysol arrives in her 1920's lingerie, looking classy and elegant. She hugs Fembot and announces that she bounced right on off her fake knockers which feel like a pillow. bwahaha. I know I rag on Lisa, but I actually think she's adorable. 

Upon spotting Marysol, Joanna is immediately annoyed she is wearing fur, claiming Marysol knew she was going to be here. Karent leaps to the conclusion that Marysol apparently decided to intentionally disrespect Joanna's belief so she scurries over to lecture and scold Marysol. I'm surprised Karent didn't start ripping it off Marysol's shoulders or insisting she leave. 

Marysol likens her to a carrier pigeon, zipping around carrying messages no one wants to hear. And this is no exception. Karent thinks Marysol was being defensive. I think Marysol was being like, 'WTF. I just got here, I barely got a drink, get off my case.' Lea wanders over and she admits she's wearing real feathers and I didn't see anyone putting her in timeout! 

Instead Karent turns her attentions to Joe Francis and starts robotsmile loud laughing and over-talking him. Joe Francis wasted no time with the gossip… perfect for Housewives! Joe brings up that he dated both Marta and Joanna. Naturally Karent wants to know if he slept with them. 

Karent's antenna starts whizzing! Wee fun! Party games. So a game of telephone commences when Karent races over to Joanna, pulling Joe along with her, to immediately relay that Joe is telling people he schtupped a couple of Krupas. Joanna goes from functional to Mynt Meltdown in a mater of seconds. 

What was Karent doing?! Why would she intentionally spread all that gossip at Lisa's party. How disrespectful. Joanna denies it adamantly and is initially just like ew, shut up, but then gets furious and starts calling him a liar. He starts accusing her of all sorts of other misdeeds and poor Romain is just standing there sipping his drink. 

Marysol is not surprised Karent and her motor mouth are to blame. Karent is UNBELIEVABLE! Incurable gossip. She needs to wire that jaw shut! She claims she was just doing her duty to spread the truth. Uh huh. #cameratime. 

Lea races over to get in the middle of Joe and Joanna and is waving her hand in front of his face, telling him to shut up. Meanwhile Joanna is screaming about how his jail sentence and that proves he's a liar. Kinda true. I mean wasn't he in there for tax evasion? Lea is waving this big flashy ring in front of people as a distractor. Look at the right, look at the ring… 

Joe refuses to let it go and then tells Lisa that he was merely speaking the truth while Lea is all on TMI patrol. Poor Fembot is doing that polite tense smile while she's shooting Lea a look like bullets are going to come out of her boobs and this Joe guy is a goner.  

Lea keeps trying to keep the situation at a simmer while Joanna and Joe keep escalating it. Lisa just wants to get hammered and shouldn't Joe be more invested in looking at boobs or something – I guess desperate hussies are old news to him. 

Outside, Joanna involves Marta and tells her what Joe is saying. Marta just starts weirdly giggling. Is she high? I mean what the hell. Joanna is outraged and confused. Marta is a hot mess and Joe has the manners of a wild banshee. Who thinks Marta is on a Girls Gone Wild video or ten?

Poor Romain. The moral of the story, Joe explains is: "Don't let Karent near you." I totally agree. And there we have it, Housewives Gone Wild! I'll pass. 

Next week: Adriana shows up and somebody gets slapped! Does anyone else secretly love Joanna?