Real Housewives of Miami Recap: Blurry Edges


So last night was really something! Was this DYNASTY or Real Housewives of Miami? I mean a pool fight between queens? Angry ladies in negligees screaming? Champagne glasses being flung? Bitchslapping and accusations flying? Booze and bitching galore? I love it

And in the center of it all stood a series of blurred out nipples over surgically altered boobs. Just the casualties of a lingerie party, I suppose. 

Joanna Krupa is a curious case, isn't she? She's pretty as an angel but she's like a Transformer. She appears like an apparition all soft blonde light and sparkling blue eyes, sweet pink pout and then BOOM! Her hair turns to razor blades that will slice you, her mouth is filled with fire, bullets flying from her nipples (all three of them!), and her eyes become like shards of glass. Joanna will cut a bitch. She will stalk her prey and maul them like a wild beast hungry for dinner. Maybe that's the problem – none of these ladies eat enough and the hunger drives them crazy. 


Last night we spent the entire evening in a cesspool of hedonism. I mean what does one expect with free drinks, cheap lingerie, and desperate camera whores – a classy party? Apparently that confused Fembot Fakenstein. See, she expected people to behave because it was her house and her big party, but then she didn't realize people don't care about her – they care about themselves and their own drama and these ladies came with an agenda. 

Team Drama! 

So things begin with Joanna lecturing her sister Marta Krupa about Joe Francis. Yes – JOE FRANCIS is still in the picture! Marta starts giggling maniacally and then admits to sleeping with Joe "a long time ago." Joanna is furious. Apparently she not only has executive control over Marta's living situation and her income – but also her vaginal extracurriculars. Although to be fair, if Marta did in fact sleep with Skeeve Francis, Joanna might have reason for concern. Is anyone surprised Marta put out for Francis? #GetTested

Because Joe is not hot like George Clooney is the reason Joanna is pissed he's telling people he slept with her. Maybe she did like 10 years ago. Who cares. This is what I don't get about Housewives. They take some stupid thing that happened in their past, that everyone would forget if they just let it go and they blow it out of proportion and obsessively focus on it. 

Anyway Joanna doesn't want people thinking she slept with an ugly loser, so she's pissed. She's also pissed that Marysol Patton is wearing ancient fur. Doesn't Marysol know her grandmother (now deceased) skinned an animal alive for that cat bed she's now wearing?! This makes Marysol – and Mama Elsa – the devil. Joanna is ranting and raving about Marysol and the fur and it's just tiresome and boring. Is Joanna mad at all the women wearing LEATHER shoes?

Marta rolls her eyes and suggests Joanna let it go and remember this is Lisa's party so she shouldn't ruin it with her nonsense. Even drunk (and after admitting to doing it with Joe Francis) Marta is the voice of reason. Joanna needs to put. down. the. vodka. and GO HOME. Either that or Romain Zago needs to get out the straight jacket. 

In the middle of all of this Adriana de Moura comes storming in, blurry nipples blazing, fascinator fascinatingly attached, and agenda at the ready. Girl can stuff a full sheet of newspaper down her bustier top and she's ready to confront Karent "Swooping Bad News" Sierra. That extra t really causes a lot of trauma. 

Almost immediately Adriana accosts Marysol to complain that she's not dressed slutty enough. Apparently unless you remain on permanent nipple watch you need to go home, change, and come back dressed as one of the Hookers of Eastwick. Marysol changes Adriana's focus by filling her in on Karent's latest dirty work. That's enough to send Adriana's dress into dangerous droop category as she became furious about Karent's upstart meddling once again.

Sensing drama like a vulture seeking his prey, Joe zooms in to share his own unsavory experiences with the devil that is Dr. Karent Sierra. These people are turning Karent's misdeeds into a plot from American Horror Story, which kinda they all need the insane asylum. Joe doesn't hesitate to volunteer that he did both Krupas which gets Adriana's drama meter (the fascinator?) whizzing. Girl knows ammunition when she hears it!

I can't believe Joe is talking about this AGAIN! Can we say desperate for camera time. Joes gone wild, unfortunately. Call in the national guard and start sanitizing. 

Lea Black, who is henceforth over the drama, sort of swoops in with her faux for the night feathers hovering, reminding Joe to keep his lips zipped. 

While all this is happening – at the bar no less – Joanna is sitting across the party sneering at Marysol and Adriana. She thinks Adriana's hat looks like someone took a dump on her head. Romain looks like he wants to dump a certain fiance of his. He tells her to stop it and quit drinking. Karent just keeps on grinning. CHEEESE. Her eyes were permanently trained on finding a camera. Any camera, anywhere. 

Not to be outdone by camera questing Joe, Karent has brought a friend to the party. Instead of the ever desperate Rodolfo, she has a buddy named Bo tagging along. And he too just really, really wants to be a boy on film. And he goes big or goes home. Bo waltzes up to Lea – of all people – and basically calls her rude, insinuating she snubbed him and acts like she's too good for him. Lea, pricelessly looks down on him, feathers warbling, does her braying laugh and practically says, 'Don't be silly. Waiter – a drink. And cart this little man away. He's ruining my view of the pool.' 

Karent is still grinning, grinning away! Oh, a fight. CHEEESE! Lea decides whomever is calling her is more important than hearing Bo ramble about his feelings for a woman he doesn't know, but desperately wishes he were acquainted with. I agree. This incites Bo and he starts freaking out. This guy is an idiot. 

Elaine, dressed as James for the evening, steps in to defend Lea. Glasses are flung, whining reaches a fever pitch, and one bathrobe sporting, bow-tie wearing Bo is tossed into the pool! Fembot comes rushing over in full-on tantrum mode screaming, 'THERE'S NO FIGHTING IN THIS HOUSE OF CLASS AND ELEGANCE! STOPPIT BEFORE I TATTLE. LEA FIX IT THESE PEOPLE ARE RUINING MY PARTY.' It's Lisa's party after all and she'll cry if she wants to. And this party – all boobiliciious trashiness of it – cost $20,000! That's like 15 more boobs. 

Bo emerges from the pool like a phoenix and flings his champagne glass at James and in the ensuing scuffle Lisa's phone falls in the water. Lisa is enraged. Adding to all the chaos the music has mysteriously stopped. Apparently the big splash that was Bo got water on the DJ booth and now no more music will play. Lisa is ranting and raving and railing about how now no one can listen to music while they expose themselves on national TV. 

 'I showed my nipples on TV and you people are more embarrassing than I am!!!'

Fembot freaks out and starts screaming at Lea for ruining the most classy party that like ever happened, like ever. And I feel her. I would be pissed as hell too – especially after all of this. Especially if I had to pay for the DJ equipment. I mean sure, it wasn't a classy idea to have a lingerie party and you could tell her husband agreed, but Lisa was trying to have a good time and raise money for a good cause, but no one could keep it in their pants. I personally would have asked Bo, James, and Lea to leave. I guess the producers convinced her to do otherwise – or she wanted to impress Lea. 

Everyone is all in the mix about the Ja​mes/Bo drama with Adriana zeroing in on yet another problem caused by Karent. I'm confused – who is the devil here. Is it Marysol or Karent? I guess it depends on who you ask. 

A desperate to appease and impress, Karent (grinning, grinning, grinning) has miraculously found a bag of rice and a Ziploc for Lisa's phone and is chasing Fembot around insisting she's not really friends with Bo – they only KNOW each other – and that she didn't bring him. He just showed up. Lisa is like 'shut up and get away from me with that rice.' Apparently Karent doesn't know that pigeons – carrier pigeons, that is – can't eat uncooked rice or their stomachs will explode. 

Lisa ushers all the Housewives into the kitchen and issues a new rule. NO DRAMA or you're out. To enact her proclamation into law, it's shots for all. Oh yeah – did I mention that somewhere in the middle of all of this Ana Quincoces arrived wearing a jumpsuit – nipples firmly covered. 

Almost as soon as Lisa's back is turned, Adriana summons Karent for a little chat. Now is obviously the perfect time to confront Karent about the article where she called them Botox brained famewhores. Adriana yanks the newspaper out of nowhere and is like, 'THISSSS is what you did, bitch. Oh and you're a famewhore who doesn't know your place.' 

'Bitch I will rip that poop hat right off your head if you call me a wannabe! You wanna be ME!' 

Apparently Joanna thought Adriana was talking about her because she leaps into the conversation and starts screaming. Adriana keeps instructing her to "butt off!" These two are the worst – they're both always ranting about how everyone should behave when they are the worst behaved of them all! Perhaps next time they look in a mirror to do their make-up, they need to truly reflect. 

Adriana and Joanna are screaming and yelling. Romain and some guy wearing a bathrobe and holding a broom (?!) is leaping in the middle of them. Adriana starts ignoring a totally out of control Joanna complaining about how she's nothing but a Polish immigrant looking for a plate of food. OK – really? 

This sets Joanna off – and Adriana realizes this might be her cue to leave Hurricane Crazy. As Joanna starts pointing and waving her machete fingers in Adriana's poop-headed face, Adriana storms away with Joanna hot on her tail. This gives a new meaning to stalking her prey, except Adriana is anything but prey as she quickly turns around and SLAPS Joanna in the face. Word to the wise: If you don't butt-off you're gonna get bitchslapped. 

Joanna starts slapping Adriana's arms and they are wailing on each other like true soap opera fight. It was recalling some of the greatest Dynasty moments. Strangely in the middle of it all was the guy with the broom, wielding it like a karate bo. He's in between the two of them pushing them away from each other and Adriana keeps unsuccessfully (thank god) trying to grab it from him. After all that nobody lost any clothes – or hair accessories. 

Lisa manages to break them apart and 15 minutes later everyone is convalescing on the sofa like oh that was a doozy. Can we order pizza?

Well, everyone except Marta and Joanna. Marta must be totally effed up. The girl could barely string two words together, but she managed to tell Joanna she was acting out of control. Joanna – still acting out of control – starts screaming at Marta that if she doesn't shut up she'll lose a sister. Marta is probably hoping Fembot and Dr. Fakenstein will adopt her anyway. Joanna needs to get anger management immediately. 

Luckily Marta gets a little counseling in Spanish from Daysy while she drunkenly stares off into space trying not to hurl. 

Upon learning what happened, Ana is shocked and comments that this sounds like a seedy porno. Models fighting, drunk women in lingerie brawling – where are Joe Francis' cameras when he needs them. 'Housewives Gone Wild: A boozy lingerie party turns into a brawl when these Housewives go wild over gossip and tabloids.' I bet Bravo will get a cut of the profits. 

Oh, haha – I can't believe we just all acted that way. Who wants a snack?

And then seriously they were all just hanging out like oh dear what a mess. Joanna is upset because Romain stormed out after she attacked Adriana and Ana basically tells her being immature and out of control really did fuck things up. I appreciate Ana, she's sort of the sane voice of reason and it's necessary with this lot. 

Fembot realizes it's all a lost cause, well except that she is raising money for her cause so she might as well focus on the positive. Marysol sums up the theme of the party as "Raise money and raise hell!" 

Fembot has also had another important realization – she better align herself with Lea because otherwise she'll go down in flames and not only that but Lea is a classy(ish) broad with some serious connections while Joanna and Karent are messy famewhores who only care about themselves. They make peace and Fembot admits what we've all know: she wants to be Lea Black when she grows up. 

Once Joanna leaves to track down Romain, a furious Adriana starts complaining. Lea gives her some advice that would serve all women of reality TV well: "Take the high road and zip it." Adriana would rather take the Joe Francis road which means acting like a victim, letting him lick her wounds and then begging him to reassure her that she's classy and a good mother. The day you take advice from Joe Francis is the day you should also get your head examined. Or get a tetanus shot. 

And speaking of Joe Francis, Lea decides to compensate for his bad behavior she'll donate double to Fembot's cause. I wonder how much Joe is donating for his bad behavior? Apparently he's donating to the further embarrassment of Marta by practically molesting her in Fembot's kitchen and telling her how much he loves and adores her. Lea looked like she was trying not to vomit. Joe sure is a master of manipulating drunk women. 

And that was that, as the nip slips fade and the check Lea wrote Fembot flutters to the ground like a marabou feather and she stoops to pick it up, everyone realizes this party was a big, ol, booby mess of fake, more fake, and horrible. I'm sure Lea laughed all the way home as she thought, 'No body's getting bitch slapped at the Black Gala – unless I'm the one doing it!' 

I wonder if Susan G. Komen was impressed?

BTW: Last night on WWHL, Karent announced that she and Rodolfo have broken up… once filming stopped. Surprised?

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