Real Housewives of Miami Recap: Don’t Talk With Your Mouth Full

I think we all learned a good lesson on Real Housewives of Miami last night. Thomas Kramer's house is no place for Housewives of any strife, location, or wig-wearing persuasion. 

The creepy, weird older guy who hosted the ladies of Atlanta on an unforgettable girls weekend two seasons ago, once again did Housewives no favors by hosting the ladies of Miami for an atrocious dinner party where the lest desirable thing at the table was Thomas himself. Look dude, if you think telling an 80-year-old woman to sit down and shut-up because she's nearing her expiration date is going to get you a reality show, you're mistaken. 

Things begin at Lea Black's house with Mama Elsa and a case of missing mozzarella. Apparently Mama Elsa wants Lea and Marysol Patton to make up, but Lea has a conflict of interest – or two. One of them is 8 foot tall drag queen in a 40" wide wig named Elaine Lancaster. And the other is that essentially that The Patton Group screwed up The Black Gala two years in a row and there was nary an apology in sight. 


Unfortunately for all Elaine's largess, Mama Elsa is confused that she wasn't a real woman. Lea has to patiently break-down for Elsa that Elaine is also James and sometimes dresses as Elaine, but really he's a man. Elsa does not understand this stupid. She understands that wine is good and people are crazy. I mean it's like modern sociology class for the geriatric. Maybe they need to start teaching this at independent living facilities. 

Over at Joanna Krupa's house things have improved with fiance Romain Zago so that means it's the perfect time for serial RHOM couch surfer Marta to move back in! Marta looks thrilled to be uprooting from The Land of Boobs and Booze to some stupid condo with a Wii. You could practically see her deflate as she walked through the door with her rolling suitcase. Why couldn't Joanna marry The Boob God?

Romain says Marta can stay if she cooks. I don't think I want to eat anything Marta would cook. #risottoflashback

Before Marta even has time to hang up her sweatsuit, Joanna is whisking her away to get ready for a delightful afternoon of shoes and booze. While that sounds like a lovely combination, one fails to take into consideration the guests invited to this shindig. Apparently Lisa Pliner, wife of shoe designer Donald J. Pliner has started her own line of footwear and is having a fashion show to introduce the line. Despite the fact that she scarcely knows most of the RHOM cast, who is she to turn her nose up at free publicity?

Marysol is attending with a transgender model and socialite named Lauren and Lauren thinks Elaine is low-rent. Elaine wears like used clothes **shudder** This is apparently the faux pas of faux pas. Lauren is careful to explain that Elaine's clothes aren't like vintage, they're merely second hand. Really, Lauren – seeking screen time much? Also, Lauren insists Elaine is a well-known liar. 

Lea arrives and I love her sunglasses. They were distracting me cause they were so fantastic. Everyone is kind of milling around just waiting for something to happen. And then blazing into the room in a wig that resembles one of Marie Antoinette's topiaries, comes Elaine.

And Elaine has come bearing gifts. No – one cannot pick fruit from her wig. Elaine's gift is the gift of drama. Apparently Elaine was told by hostess Lisa that Marysol tried to convince Lisa not to hire her. Elaine cannot wait to impart this tidbit to Lea. Lea advises Elaine to discuss the situation with Marysol after the party – and be calm about it; no cornering, no behaving like a rabid dog, and no hysterics. 

When Marysol learns Elaine has arrived she sort of cowers. She shirks into the corner. It's odd. Unfortunately Elaine is on a rampage and decides to seek out Marysol right now. It was like a drag Godzilla mission; she's tossing aside socialites and $40,000 sofas and appetizer trays until she finds her prey and roars as perfume clouds and rhinestones are spraying everywhere. It was a mess. 

Pretty, Pretty Princess vs. Evil Queen: Admit it or these earrings will attack you! 

Elaine starts berating her while Marysol tries to retreat. Elaine tells all the ladies that Lisa told her about the Marysol situation and calls Lisa over. And Lisa defends Elaine that Marysol told her not to hire him because she would have to pay him. Ouch! 

Marysol denies she did any such thing and tries to leave, but Elaine – totally out of control by this point – follows her and corners her, citing all these examples of how Marysol has tried to screw him over. Elaine wants Marysol to admit what she did, Marysol just won't say anything. This may be our first case of Drag Queens Gone Wild on Housewives!

Since Elaine has to go host the show, Lea intervenes and ushers her away. Marysol and Ana Quincoces are annoyed that Lea chose to get involved at the tail end, but everyone takes their seats and the show begins. Ana is also frustrated that she defended Marysol, who refused to do anything to stand up for herself. 

OK – so if I were Lisa Pliner I would be furious with Elaine's behavior, simply because this was not the time or place. However if what Elaine says is true, Marysol owes her an explanation and I would be furious. 


Adriana de Moura's fiance is still working to restore the 1920's yacht they're supposed to live in, but unfortunately things are taking much longer than expected. Adriana and Frederic go check out the progress and she's shocked to see there's basically none. Frederic has ideas though and I don't know how he's going to get these ideas into fruition, but if the end result is anything like the photos he showed a disbelieving Adriana it will be amazing.

Adriana is glad progress is delayed, because that means she can also delay marriage. If this is a storyline, it's dumb. We all know next season will be a wedding after she gets over her cold feet suddenly when Bravo agrees to pay for the big nuptials. 

So Karent Sierra and her piranha teeth are hosting a dinner party at Thomas' house. Karent has decided after much agonizing  (yeah right) to invite all the ladies – even the ones who think she's a phony famewhore – because she wants them to know "the real Karent." Last week I didn't mind Karent, and I even felt bad for her, and this week I remembered why I don't like her. 

Karent does the obligatory speakerphone invite while wearing her poetess dress (she drills teeth with those sleeves) and everyone reluctantly agrees to attend because producers demanded it. She's all excited because Thomas is a big deal on the Miami social scene and this means she's moving on up. Not attending is boyfriend Rodolfo

On the day of the dinner party Karent arrives early and has her mom in tow. Thomas' house has creepster vibes and Karent is a little awkward and uncomfortable there. Is it because she doesn't really know Thomas and is only acting like they're friends for the show?

As everyone starts trickle in Karent goes from normal to social piranha. She's aggressively trying to demonstrate how close she is to Thomas and how familiar/integrated she is into his life. Like she know his business dealings, his schedule and needs to be all over him acting like his girlfriend while he compliments the other women and schmoozes. It's faker than her veneers. 

Mama Elsa, who has been "friends" with Thomas for 18-years too long, is watching closely. Mama Elsa lets Lea know that Thomas and Karent are lovers. Lea doesn't believe it and tries to persuade Elsa that times have changed and sometimes a man just needs a lady friend. Doesn't Lea know, Mama Elsa is PSYCHIC – she knows these things. And she sees the writing on the wall. Lea concedes that maybe, just maybe, ol' Rodolfo is getting the shaft. 

Also psychic – or really good at reading people, perhaps – is Ana. She explains that Karent will use anyone to further her standing socially and that is exactly how things add up with Thomas. Karent is "friends" with him because he makes her seem more important. 

Joanna and Romain arrive. I think Joanna is wearing a left over Dancing With The Stars costume. Adrianna jokes that she can't say hello to Romain because everyone will think she's flirting and since Joanna doesn't hear the comment, Karent decides it's her duty as hostess to inform Joanna. Money might buy you fancy veneers, but it doesn't buy you class – right?!

As everyone sits down at the table things start out so nice. Everyone is drinking and toasting and seems to be having fun, but there's tension in the air. So it would appear the ladies of Miami can not avoid tables of danger. I mean they go from Alexia's shrieking dinner party last week, to Thomas' creepy horror house of dictatorship the next. 

Joanna has obviously had a change of heart since she stopped cocktailing it up every spare minute, because she invites all the girls – even Adrianna – on a special girls weekend. She says she wants them to continue to make amends. Joanna also decides to invite Elaine and Marysol so they can try to work things out. Oh this should be good… 

Unfortunately things start to spoil when Romain has to leave for a work meeting. Last minute. He promises to be back in time for dessert. Thomas starts joking to a now-by-her-lonesome Joanna that Romain is probably off hooking up with some hot Mynt waitresses and how he has the easiest job in the world. Joanna just sits there and stews and stews.

She's disappointed that Karent sat there and laughed, failing to defend her when she knew all the drama that happened with Romain. Especially after all the times Joanna defended her!  Poor Joanna – she didn't get the memo that Karent's moving on up. Who needs a lowly model when wealthy businessmen are at stake. 

And that's when things start to really unravel. Adrianna asks Marysol if she's willing to make up with Elaine during the girls weekend and Marysol refuses. Lea wonders why Marysol isn't willing to admit that perhaps there is some truth to what Elaine is saying. Marysol insists Elaine is a "known liar." Lea is like, 'Really, bitch? Cause I been hearing it's YOU that's the known liar!' Ana jumps in to defend her friend. 

Thomas doesn't want the arguing while he's enjoying his crispy noodles and demands Ana be quiet. He changes the subject to talking about Fembot Fakenstein's boobs. Poor Lisa – she and boob dramas are never parted. Ana refuses to be quiet and then decides she'll not be bullied by a misogynist weirdo who seems to enjoy degrading women.

Thomas tells her to leave and Ana is like 'yeah, see ya asshole!' Nothing like a good combination of fondue and fuck you!

Ana collects her purse, tosses down her napkin, and escorts herself to the door. No one says a word in her defense. Are these women petrified of Thomas or just seriously bad friends? The guy collects skeletons and skin, so maybe their fear is warranted. 

 Joanna, realizing this is her chance to escape before Thomas starts ushering them to the dungeon to show off his knife collection, decides she too needs to get out of here. 

She starts melting down and saying she doesn't feel comfortable after the way Thomas spoke about Romain. She wants out. I would totally want to leave too! This really is like the stage for a horror story. Someone talks Joanna down from the ledge and she decides that Romain, who adores Thomas, would be disappointed in her if she caused yet another scene so she returns to the table and sulks on the end, completely mute. 

Meanwhile at the head of the table Thomas is behaving like lord over-seer with Karent gnashing her teeth by his side, starts making more rude and insensitive comments about Joanna. By this time Lea has had it and speaks up, but unfortunately Elsa thinks Lea is mishandling the situation. Mama Elsa instructs Lea to simmer down and be quiet – and not get so angry. Well, Thomas, is apparently very bad at taking his own advice because he starts yelling at Mama Elsa. 

Among the incredibly kind comments he makes to a woman who is like a mother to him, he tells her to sit down and shut up since she is nearing her expiration date. He then tells her to get out. Tomas Kramer needs a TIME. OUT. and Elsa needs to smack him with her pocketbook.

Elsa turns and looks at him and locks him in a stare that would skin a cat. Mama Elsa was cursing that man to be stuck with the likes of Karent for the rest of his life and you just know it. 

Elsa turns on sparkle-jumpsuited heel and walks out. Again, no one defends her. I was very disappointed in Lea and her husband for not saying something. Outside Marysol is counseling a very upset Ana about the situation when Elsa strolls out escorted by two of Thomas' slave hussies. 

Mama Elsa is unperturbed about being kicked out of the party of a "stupid man," who invited them all to sit at a table filled with french fries she didn't want to eat. And the nerve of that loser not even putting down a table cloth. That's Martha Stewart 101. Elsa departs to her waiting limo and Marysol offers to wait with Ana until her boyfriend arrives to pick her up. 

Ana has learned one good lesson tonight after all the drama – that it's time for Marysol to stand up for herself. A little tough love never hurt anyone. And as for the Thomas Kramer style of love – well maybe he wanted to eat all the french fries for himself?

Back inside he's returned to his soup, and Karent is smiling, smiling, smiling by his side; imaging a world where she's established peace for all Housewives. And all that's left at the table, among the dregs, is a stripper pole, some half-empty pots of melted cheese, and the desperate energy of the want to be importants – Thomas included.

Fembot decides the perfect way to diffuse the situation is by hopping on the table to ring around the pole. No one is amused, although they all pretend to be. Let's just say Romain missed dessert.